The Nonconformist
by Ken Cohen
Chapter 27
Wedding
Kenny stayed with his grandparents in Toronto for five weeks until the end of July. He and Danny were together every day, even days Danny worked they were together outside working hours.
On August 1, he flew back to Vancouver for a week to say his good-byes and pack his belongings for shipment to Toronto. His goodbye to Chris was quick and without sentiment. Chris wished him well.
Two days after he flew to Vancouver, an article appeared in the latest weekly issue of Toronto New Times, a local tabloid.
Danny found out the following day from a friend who heard about it from someone else who heard from someone else. He phoned Marvin Kingman.
Kingman's office promised to investigate, and scheduled an appointment with Danny in two weeks.
Ken's departure from Vancouver was an emotional time for him and his family. The good-bye at the airport a week later was, you could say, bittersweet. They were a close-knit family, and would miss each other.
The night before he left, he talked with his parents about Danny.
"I haven't said much about Danny. You know, Danny and I, we're back to being friends right now. But not lovers. Danny's angry. He's been seeing his shrink twice a week since I came back. He does a lot of crying there. That's what he told me. Then he starts crying with me, too, and then I start. We hold each other.
"But other than that he won't let me touch him in a loving way. It's painful. He hurts so deep. And I'm hurting. I was so effing blind, so blind, I could only see it through my own eyes.
"When I went to Toronto, I was scared he'd just tell me to go back to Vancouver, leave him and go. I thought he'd throw me out. When that didn't happen, I thought we'd be making love and back to normal before that day was out. But I didn't understand the depth of his pain or his feelings for me.
"Instead, he starts telling me how he feels and why. I began to see through his eyes what I'd done. I only thought of myself after we left Toronto. I only barely knew what he went through, how he saw it. By the time I came back, he had written me off. The last letter he sent me at the end of June, it was the first I had from him in a year. I didn't see it until I came home last week. That letter was just a "friendly" kind of letter, I could tell. Worse, it was a 'nice knowing ya' letter. For the first time he wasn't speaking to me from his heart. That's what we had become, friends at best, and only out of the goodness of his heart.
"Some guys would have just turned their backs, said 'go to hell.' But he still has love for me deep in his heart. He won't show me even that. Not until I prove he can trust me. So I have to show him I'm serious, that I still really love him.
"I'm trying to do that, but I don't know how. We spent most of our time together in July. We saw each other constantly, every day. On the days he was working, I'd drive him down and pick him up after work. I even went downtown to have lunch with him a few times. We did all the social stuff, movies, restaurants. Went to the Y a lot. We got together with Gray Samuelson a few times, Mike, Johnny, some of the other guys we knew from high school.
"And I went to his shrink with him one day. That was really hard. There was a lot of crying, some anger, a lot of emotion.
"I'm going with him to Mike's wedding when I get back. It's that Sunday, two days after I'm back. He's gonna be best man to Mike.
"Either way, I'm staying in Toronto for the next three years. I've committed myself, even if it doesn't work out with him. At worst I'll end up living alone. But I'm doing it. I have to take the chance he's given me.
"I'm doing everything I can to prove myself to him. It's like we're back together every way except one. In a way, we're 16 again and he's just coming home from the hospital. All I can do is hope, and show him I love him."
Ken flew back to Toronto on August 6. On the morning of August 8, Ken and Danny drove in their Sunday best to St. Michaels Catholic church in downtown Toronto for the wedding.
It was a small gathering, about fifty guests. Immediate family and close friends. Given the choice of a large wedding or a large cheque for a down payment on a future home, Mike and Sally chose the money. They felt like they were already married, in any case, except for the official part.
The ceremony was performed. Mike and Sally listened as the priest spoke, and then took their vows and exchanged rings. Danny stood by Mike throughout. It felt intimate, meaningful, a passage from the past into the future.
After the ceremony, the guests gathered around the excited couple and talked. Danny hugged and kissed Mike and Sally, then stepped down to where Ken was waiting on the edge of the group. Ken took Danny's hand. They walked together that way, down to one of the side chapels, while gazing up at the simple but beautiful architecture of the century old cathedral.
Danny took Ken by the elbow and led him to the side chapel and up against one wall where they could not be seen. He gazed into Ken's face a few inches away and spoke softly.
"You know how it will be, with me, Kenny. It's a long haul ahead with me. We have to learn how to love again. How to trust each other. How to live together, make a home together, make a life together. We've never done those things. Three years of school ahead, and then more, before we can even start to call ourselves professionals. They'll whisper about us in the law school and the offices and the courtrooms. We might not be able to find work, or share a hotel room or travel together. There's a libel suit coming, the media will bother us. And who knows what else, things we can't even foresee.
"You sure you want to go through all that stuff with me?"
"More than anything in the world. I love you. I always have and always will. I want to live with you and care for you and spend the rest of my life with you."
Danny moved forward, they touched lips, they kissed. They parted their lips and kissed again.
"Yes," Danny whispered to him. "I love you, too. Yes."
Credits and notes
Novels referred to in this story:
James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
John Howard Griffin, Black Like Me
Paul Brickhill, The Dam Busters
Harold Robins, A Stone for Danny Fisher
John Cleland, Fanny Hill, Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure
Miller, Henry, Tropic of Cancer
James Joyce, Ulysses
D. H. Laurence, Lady Chatterley's Lover
John Knowles, A Separate Peace
Stephen Spender, The Truly Great
James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room
Jerome D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
William Shirer, The Collapse of the Third Republic
Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
Anton Chekhov, About Love
Thomas Mann, Death in Venice
Charles Dickens, Bleak House
Other recommended novels, including gay-themed and coming of age:
Marion Zimmer Bradley, The Catch Trap
Mary Renault, The Charioteer
Gore Vidal, The City and the Pillar
Music referred to in this story:
Strange Fruit, written by Abel Meeropol, performed by Billie Holiday
Yesterday, written and performed by Paul McCartney
So In Love, written by Cole Porter
White Christmas, written by Irving Berlin
Where is Love, from the Broadway musical Oliver written by Lionel Bart
Films referred to in this story:
Dr. No, 1962, directed by Terence Young
From Russia With Love, 1963, directed by Terence Young
Goldfinger, 1965, directed by Guy Hamilton
Vertigo, 1958, directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Death in Venice, 1971, directed by Luchino Visconti
The Best Years of Our Lives, 1946, directed by William Wyler provided the idea for the ending.
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