The Nonconformist
by Ken Cohen
Chapter 25
Jet Plane
Vancouver, May, 1971
It was final exam time—for the last time. Fourth year was drawing to a close.
One afternoon, Kenny Dressen walked to his friend Naomi's home in West Vancouver to study. Both were in the last stages of finishing their undergraduate degrees. That day his own home was busy with trades people and he couldn't concentrate.
Ken's family had three years earlier bought a large new home in the direction of Horseshoe Bay northwest of Vancouver, the same neighbourhood where Naomi's family had moved several months earlier. It had views of the sea to the west. With mountains to the north and east. Theirs were two of the first Jewish families to live there, after registered covenants that prohibited sales to people of Chinese and Jewish origin were declared invalid by the courts.
He and Naomi spent the afternoon studying. By about 4:30, both were tired. It was a sunny, warm spring day for a change. They went for a walk.
"Naomi, you know, we've been together a long time, it almost feels like a lifetime. I sometimes feel I've known you forever. But I've never thanked you.
"You rescued me when I needed it. When I came to Vancouver, I was hurting. I was torn from someone back in Toronto I was really close to, as well as everyone else I knew. I didn't know a soul here, but you came to me one day, introduced yourself, and we went from there. I just want to be sure you know how grateful I am. That single gesture changed my life."
"Yeah, I remember. But you'd have survived without me, I think I just made it bearable.
"Since you're raising the subject, I need to talk to you." Her voice sounded shaky. "I'll be honest and come right out with it. Do you have any feelings for me? Because I have feelings for you. I've been waiting and wondering. Like today. We've been together all afternoon, one of many over the last four plus years. And you've never laid a finger on me, or said anything remotely loving, or…"
She felt lost for words. He'd never heard her like this before. He was silent for a few moments before he coaxed himself to say it.
"Uh, honestly, I guess I wondered too. About you. I think this is the first time you've said something like that to me. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to tag you along. I thought and felt we were best friends, that we understood that without saying it, because it never came up. I never brought it up, I guess maybe I should have. I've told myself many times how lucky I was that you found me the way you did."
"Kenny, you're not answering my question."
He took a deep breath. "Not that way. I'm sorry. I don't have feelings like that. I'm sorry. You're a beautiful woman, Naomi. It's just… sorry."
"You know, you haven't gone out with any girl I've known about for any period of time since you came here. You went with Ronnie to the prom, I think, but that was it. She told me it was just friends going together and I guess that was right because I never saw anything else between you two."
"Yeah, I know."
"It's scary for you, isn't it? Being gay. Otherwise I think you would have said something to me a long time ago."
They were silent for a few seconds.
"Yeah. It is. I keep it to myself, I think you understand why. Yeah, I'm afraid what you said is true. I should have told you long ago. But with some of the things I've seen and heard in this city, I just don't know who might be infected with this hate some people feel. I couldn't take the tiny chance you might be.
"This kind of hate's a funny thing, irrational and I think contagious. My best friend in Toronto was torn up by bullies when he was 14, he told me about it. He may never completely get over it.
"I suppose the smarter you are, the more able to think for yourself, the less susceptible you are to being like that. But there are no guarantees. I've seen it at the university. So I have to practise something like what an old friend used to describe as a version of defensive driving."
"It's okay, I don't care. You're different. We're all different in one way or another. I don't subscribe to the crap some people carry on about. At least I understand now. It's not your fault, Kenny. I should've said something a long time ago. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I learned growing up that girls shouldn't be pushy, shouldn't ask questions like that. It might create the wrong impression. You know what I mean?"
"Yeah. More nonsense some parents teach us. I wish you'd asked me a long time ago, because I wouldn't lie to you. Were you looking at anyone else? You've dated a bit."
"I thought I was, but I think I was comparing every guy to you. I'm still a virgin, believe it or not. It's starting to feel like a weight I carry around with me."
"Oh no. It's easy for me to say, but you shouldn't feel that way. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn't a friend, they're someone to avoid."
"You and that guy, that friend of yours back in Toronto, what was his name? Geez, I forget his name."
"Danny."
"Yeah, Danny. Were you lovers? I think that's who you were just referring to? That you left behind in Toronto?"
Kenny stopped walking. Silence. There were tears on his face. He covered his face and wept. He managed to eke out in a quivery voice, "Yes we were. For a year, more. He was the love of my life, Naomi. I love my parents and I always will, but I hate them for tearing us apart. And then I made things worse. I mean, I hoped we'd survive it, Danny and I. But I fucked up and more or less destroyed his trust in me. And believe me, it had taken a long time in the first place, over a year, before he could completely trust me."
"You told me about that. When his father died?"
"Yeah."
"I remember you were upset. He called you after the funeral. You felt he didn't want you any more. Like he didn't need you? Something like that? You thought he was trying to end it for some reason. And you kind of shit on him over it."
"Yeah, I mean, I would've gone to the funeral. I would've dropped everything and gone to Toronto just to be with him for a day, to comfort him. To comfort him and love him. What happened to him was horrible. His father died in his arms, people gawking, Danny crying to them to get help. His father choking on his own blood.
"I wrote him a terrible letter after we talked on the phone. I was angry, told him how hurt I felt. And I had felt hurt, but what I didn't understand then, was that there might be a reason other than what I believed. He had to be so messed up emotionally, he couldn't think straight. I didn't see that for months, a year maybe. I made it sound about me, but it wasn't, I was selfish and I fucked things up. I should've waited, held onto my feelings until I was sure. There was no rush, lots of time to tell him how I felt if it turned out I was right. I would have understood after I calmed down.
"But since then it's just been a couple letters between us, not much at all. It's three years since I talked to him. He sent me one letter a few months ago about how depressed he was, he found a new boyfriend and screwed it up and he was really down. I was so sad for him.
"I still don't understand what happened to us. We get split up, his dad dies, we have a bad long distance fight that never gets resolved, I never quite understood but there had to be more than I saw. So I haven't stopped wondering but I've been afraid to bring it up with him. The last time we spoke, after his dad died, it was really bad, he was very upset. I haven't talked to him since. He's phoned me a few times, I never even called him back. I'm afraid to call, afraid to write, I just don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he'll even talk to me now. It's beyond hope. I've lost him.
"But I miss him like crazy. I think he's had it with me. I hope he finds someone. I worry about him. He's the kind of guy that's susceptible to bad influences. He wasn't raised well. His dad was uninvolved and his mom moralized at him when he was a young kid. So he lacks confidence."
"You should go back and see him. You should've gone to see him back then instead of phoning or writing. You could have boarded a plane and been there the next day, even if it was two weeks after the funeral. You could've had it out with him and found out from him. And maybe resolved your differences and made up right then. Instead of leaving a giant question mark between you. Boy, you really made a mess of it, Kenny."
"I know. I know."
"So what's happening now?"
"I can't find anyone to take his place. I'll never find someone to love like I loved him.
"What about Chris? You see a lot of him."
"I like Chris a lot and he likes me maybe too much. He's told me he loves me. I told him I don't feel that way about him. At least not yet. I mean, we have a relationship but it's not going anywhere. It's mostly just sex. That's my doing, not his. He's inexperienced. I don't want to hurt him. I feel like I've kind of put him on hold, like those office phones with a hold button. He's sweet, but I don't have the feelings for him that I had for Danny. Chris wants to move in and live together. I said it was too early, but I'd think on it. He's a patient guy."
"He'd better be. It sounds like you're stuck. You need to go back to Toronto and talk to Danny."
"I don't have the courage. I don't know what I'll find. It could be very painful."
"You're letting your imagination and your fears make the decisions for you. Kenny, stop and think. You haven't thought it out. Because your emotions are all over the place, out of control. I think you've been trying to suppress them the last few years. At least if you go back, you can get some finality one way or the other. There are many possibilities. If worse comes to worst, you'll come back and learn to love Chris."
"Well I'll tell you, I'm finished school in May. Something odd happened a few months ago. I was talking to Professor Weiner in his office one day. He told me about this trial where he was an expert witness about an invention someone patented.
"He described the invention. A new type of advanced photography of some kind used for printing electronic circuit boards. The patent they're arguing over is complex. It's a new approach to a previously patented process that's existed for years. I talked to him about patents, he outlined how the law works. I got interested in the legal stuff and read up on it. I read a book on patent law. It's fascinating. Now I'm seriously thinking of law school. I mean, with my science background, I'd be good at it. I feel something for it, it's genuinely interesting to me. I think I could make a career of it. I'm excited about it. I'm told other guys with science degrees have gone into patent law and been successful.
"I looked into law schools. The best Canadian schools they say are in Toronto and Montreal. So I called one of the Toronto schools to ask whether my qualifications are enough to get in. They said no, I need to take a test, the law school aptitude test or something like that. I can take it here. There's a session in Vancouver next week that I registered for."
"You'd go to law school here in Vancouver?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I was thinking of going back to Toronto. I mean, I like Vancouver but maybe someone's waiting for me in Toronto. I just don't know. I don't know what to do, Naomi. And I'm scared to go back. Like more than I've ever been in my life. I don't want to lose him. I probably already have, but I don't want to find that out so I keep putting things off. Like this decision. At least I don't have to decide until after the aptitude test. In the meantime I sent applications to the two Toronto schools, to McGill in Montreal and to Vancouver as well."
"Here's a tissue, dry your tears, you silly thing. For such a smart guy, sometimes you amaze me. Get on a plane and go to Toronto, silly boy. You're a very silly boy! Your imagination has taken over, you expect and fear the worst. So you're prepared instead to spend the rest of your life in limbo? Just so you don't have to face the truth?
"You have no idea what's going on back there or what you'll find. Shit, you said you hadn't written him in three years. Chris is waiting for you, and he's a really nice kid. If he weren't gay, I'd probably jump on him and grab him for myself! You need to go back there, talk to Danny, then decide where to go to law school. And one way or the other, you can take Chris off of hold and give him some finality too."
Ken Dressen diary - June 20, 1971. I had that dream again. Early this morning, just before I awoke. The one that comes and goes, sometimes night after night it haunts me. When I opened my eyes and remembered, looked at the lover in my bed, I told myself, I need to know for sure. Chris deserves an answer, I need to know if I'm still in my love's heart as he is in mine.
So, out of bed I padded my naked way silently from the room. I phoned and booked a flight to Toronto for next week, after graduation. I'll go there, I'll knock on his door. Danny's door. And we'll see.
I told Chris I'm going to see Danny. I told him I won't keep him waiting, I've held him off too long. But if there's still a chance, I know where I want to be for the rest of my life.
When I first noticed him in junior high, he was a roundish boy whose sober face showed little emotion. He played that Bach piano piece on talent night that spring, I was in awe of what he could do with that instrument. He couldn't keep his eyes off the pretty boys. I suspected, but still.
Then, the Sunday before high school began. It happened we were both at the Y that morning trying the place out. What's that word? Serendipity. He was there, running outside like the wind, he looked lean, stronger, the hurt was upon his face. I kept looking at him and realized, something about this kid attracts me, I didn't see it before. Couldn't take my eyes off him, followed him to the shower and snuck looks, he didn't notice, in a world of his own, but I sure noticed.
I had to know who he was. Andy told me. So I chanced it to see what would be. That first day at my house, this kid was hurting bad, deep, like I'd never seen, how he prevaricated with excuses and changed the subject all nervous and skittish and squinting like he sometimes does. It would take time. But he said he'd keep my secret and he did. I knew he had to be gay, any other kid would have turned away when I told him. We joined the Y, became friends, I could trust him. But he wouldn't trust me, or anyone, he kept his pain inside. But I got smiles out of him to cancel out some of the anger. Until that day in the hospital.
I have to go back for him. He may hate me now. Hope not, I need him. I want a life with him, grow old together like married people do.
As the John Denver song goes, like it or not, I'm leaving on a jet plane.
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