The Nonconformist

by Ken Cohen

Chapter 19

Attraction

There was a letter from Marvin Kingman. The initial stages of the lawsuit were complete. They would soon be scheduling examinations for discovery, which are the pre-trial procedures by which the parties disclose all of their evidence and documents to the others. More legal bills. No sign that things were getting any closer to being resolved. How long would this go on? He, Barbara and Mary were all very worried about it but they tried not to think about it too often.

It was Friday evening. He felt restless. He walked out to the living room where his mother was watching TV. It was a show called Reach for the Top, a game show. High school students try to answer questions about all kinds of things. The host was some guy named Alex Trebek. Barbara loved to watch that show. They were in the middle of a game.

He stood behind her, watching. He couldn't believe what he heard: a question asking for the author of the novel A Separate Peace. Danny immediately said "John Knowles." His mother hadn't realized he was there until he spoke. She was surprised when one of the students gave the same answer and it was confirmed by the host. Her son was actually smart! She asked, "How did you know that?"

"I read the novel in grade 10."

She seemed a little stunned that her 19-year-old son, whom she'd always denigrated in her own mind, knew something she didn't.

A commercial came on.

"Did you want something, Danny?" his mother asked.

"Um, no, nothing special. I was going to ask about something but I forget what it was, so if I remember, I'll let you know." He left the room.

He'd been about to tell her he wanted to call Kenny. Why he needed her permission to spend a few dollars on a phone call he couldn't explain. But now he stopped to think. When was his last letter? He looked in the desk drawer where he kept the letters. It was the awful one in September, a year and a half ago, The one that followed the even worse one at the end of June. Before his last phone call. No, there were the Christmas cards, two of them, with a couple lines in them. But he'd written back a few days after he got Ken's last letter, and sent him Christmas cards and a couple more letters. Nothing from Ken for 18 months except the cards.

Eighteen months. It felt like a shock, like he'd been punched. A hard naked reality he hadn't fully grasped until now.

He sat on the bed. He felt forgotten. Like an old toy carelessly cast aside for something better. It's hopeless, he thought. But I'll send him one last letter and that's it.

March 12, 1969. Dear Kenny, I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. The last letter I got from you was a long time ago. I wrote you back a couple times since then but maybe you didn't get them, or maybe you did.

I know you're still angry at me. That hurts me deeply, I worry about it a lot. I think about you a lot.

If it's going to be like that, then things have to change. I can't keep going the way we are.

So I would really like to know what's in your heart. Not knowing is very painful.

I still love you and I expect I always will. Even if we're through, I can't stop loving you. Danny.

How else can I say it? he thought. As if there's any real chance left for us. It's over two years since he left. I'm still alone after all this time. I don't think he expects me to be faithful forever. I think he'll understand. It wouldn't be reasonable after all this time for him to make a big deal of this. We never agreed on being faithful to each other, it was just an understanding, maybe just on my part, I don't even know for sure, we didn't talk about it.

I better go to sleep. I wonder where Ken is right at this moment? He has a new life. I hope at least that he's happy. If he's happy, then I feel happy for him, I'll have to find love somewhere else. I'll mail the letter tomorrow. That will mark the end of my first love. Maybe it will be Alan now. I need someone, a good guy like Alan, real bad.

Saturday. Fortunately his mother was out so he'd have some privacy when Alan called.

He saw the letter waiting to be posted. He changed his mind, and shoved it away in a drawer. He'd think about it.

What should he wear? That's what Danny asked when Alan called around 11:00 that morning. Alan described the restaurant and suggested what to wear. Smart casual, thought Danny, okay, I can manage that.

"Okay. I can't wait to see you, Alan, we'll talk more when I get to your place. What time are we supposed to be there?"

"I made a reservation for 7. Is that okay for you? You should be at my place by 6:30."

"Would it be okay if I get to your place by 6? I'd like to talk to you for a little while before we leave, if that's okay with you."

"Right, let's make it 6 and we'll talk. We need to leave around 6:30 though, it will take half an hour to walk there. I'm pretty obsessive about being on time as you'll find out. It's just one of those odd things about me, I hate being late, I've always been like that."

"That's fine with me because I'm the same way. So I'll see you tonight, bye."

Just minutes later Gray called. "Hey man, how they hangin'? Are you busy tonight? I want to go downtown to the record stores."

"Um, sorry, I can't. I have a date."

"A date? You have a date? You continue to surprise me. Who with?"

"Someone you don't know, someone I met."

"Where are you going?"

"Out for dinner."

"I'm jealous. I wish there were some gal I liked enough to ask out. Like, a girl who isn't a bitch. So I don't have to worry about making nice to her every minute I'm with her. Some girl who knows her shit smells as bad as everyone else's. And who knows more about what's going on in the world than the three lines she heard on her favourite radio station today."

"Yeah, well, good luck with that, they're hard to find. But then, for girls on the hunt, decent guys like that aren't exactly commonplace either."

"True enough. Okay, well, I'll leave you to it, man. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear all the gory details."

"Gray, my man, I doubt there will be any but you never know. Oh, hey, before you go, did you once to tell me that someone in your family is an insurance broker?

"Yeah, my uncle Joseph. Why?

"Could you ask him for me if he knows anything about Violet Insurance Company? What kind of reputation it has? It's nothing urgent, there's no hurry.

"Sure, I'll probably see him in the next couple of months when Passover comes. Anything specific?"

"No, not really."

"Why you asking? Something's wrong?"

"It's about my dad's estate. There's a problem, so, is there anything I should know about these people?"

"Okay, I'll ask him. I'll call you after I speak to him but I don't think it'll be right away."

"Thanks, appreciate it. Talk to you later."

"Bye."

Gray, he thought. Every girl a bitch by default. Wants girls to be like the guys he hangs around with, except with different genitals.

Danny found a parking space a few doors down from Alan's.

When Alan opened the door, he looked at Danny, his mouth kind of opened a little, he was wordless.

So Danny said to him, "Is it that bad?"

And he said, "Bad? You look fantastic. You look stunning, in fact. You have this glow, you're practically shining. I don't know if I told you this last time, but you're beautiful. You are without doubt the most beautiful boy I've ever known, and I'm not saying that to flatter you, it's true."

Danny thought that was about the nicest thing anyone ever said to him. He didn't actually believe it. His mother never said things like that. No one did. Maybe because people didn't typically compliment each other? Or talk about their feelings?

He walked in. They hugged. It was really nice, Alan saying that, it made him feel welcome. Got him smiling. Alan asked if he would like a glass of wine.

"As long as you don't mind that I'm not 21 yet, sure, I'd love one."

Alan produced two wine glasses and a bottle of chilled Chardonnay which he opened with a corkscrew. Danny watched the ritual with interest.

"It's okay for you to drink here in my home. As far as I'm concerned I can do anything I want to, short of hurting someone of course, when I'm here in my home." He poured two glasses of the pale cold wine.

"The government doesn't agree. It's a crime for me to give my friend a glass of wine, to smoke a joint which I don't generally do by the way, read or possess certain books. To love another man. And on and on. What business is it of theirs what I choose to do in my home? What gives anyone the right to dictate standards of morality? To call me a criminal because of who I love? Government telling me what I can and can't do in my private life? I get angry about that. I don't pay attention to their stupid rules. Sorry I got onto this, I shouldn't have."

Danny picked up the glass, raised it to Alan, and said "Cheers." He took a sip. It tasted sour.

They sat. He felt a little nervous but remembered what Dr. Margol said and resolved to be honest, put his cards on the table so to speak.

"Okay, so, um, I want to talk about a few things. I want to be honest. I was excited about the going on a date with you when I left Sunday night. But I had this feeling, like apprehension. I've never been on a real date, the idea of it is kind of, um, what's the word? anathema! that's it, the idea of dating has been foreign to me, I guess because I always felt like an outsider. As though people like me shouldn't do what you might call heterosexual mating rituals like that. I've been thinking about it for years, that's why it sounds like it does. Guys like us, Alan, you and me, we're rejected by so-called normal people because, it's just like you said the other night, we're different.

"So, I talked to my shrink about it. He made some suggestions. You're three years older than me, finished university, work full-time and make lots of money. I work summers, don't get paid much, save every nickel to pay for school. My parents, um, I mean my mom doesn't have a lot of money and besides, I don't like to ask her for anything. So I feel like I have nothing to offer you. I'm afraid that, um, in return for taking me out to dinner, you expect me to have sex with you at the end of the evening, to do whatever you want me to do, even if I don't feel like the time has come for that yet.

"You see, my friendship with Kenny started when we were 15, we were walking home from school one day and he told me about himself. All he knew was that he saw me looking at other guys a few times. I swore to him I would keep his secret and I have. We were good friends for a year, that's all. Then I was stabbed and in the hospital. Kenny came to see me there and promised the same thing to me, whatever I told him would be just between us. So I told him about what happened in Greece. I was ashamed of that and still am but at least I've talked about it with a few people now.

"So I'll tell you. My parents sent me to a camp there for the summer. I was bullied pretty bad for two months. Most of the kids stood by and did nothing. My doctor said I came home traumatized. Then that guy stabbed me at school a year later. He was paid to do it by one of the bullies.

"Kenny and I, after a year of just being friends, we fell in love and that lasted over a year. Then his family moved to Vancouver. I haven't seen him since. We wrote each other for a while, but it's ended. The way it ended really hurts me.

"But Alan, I hope you understand why I'm fearful inside when I meet new people. I don't want misunderstandings. I don't know if you care. I'll understand if you don't. So if you want to cancel this evening, I can accept it. As another good friend of mine kiddingly said to me, I'm 'damaged merchandise.' Between my mom's moralizing when I was young, and the bullying on the so-called trip of my life, and what's happened since, I'm supposedly damaged. I've been to a psychiatrist quite a few times since I came home five years ago.

"My doctor says my fears are imaginary. They just come into my head. And he points out you may have similar feelings.

"So I understand new relationships involve risk. That's why I'm talking to you now, so we go into this knowing the other guy at least a little bit. But either of us could get hurt. It's part of life for everyone.

"I'm starting to feel the effects of this wine. I kind of like it, but I shouldn't drink too much. And it's almost 6:30, so maybe we should start walking? Or, uh, have I changed your mind?"

Alan grinned at him. "You're really something, Danny. Let's get going, we'll be late. We can talk on the way."

Alan locked up, then they were out the door and walking. "You said a lot just now. Told me things I definitely need to know. So let me tell you more about me.

"I don't expect anything from you. I just want you to come to dinner with me. I've had worries too, but I've also been looking forward to it. Let's spend the evening talking, getting to know each other, and see how things go.

"I told you Sunday I've had sex with a few guys but with one exception it never went beyond that. That wasn't just my doing, it was always kind of like, I'm horny, you're horny, we're not interested in talking. So sex took place, exchanges of blow jobs or just by hand, basically. That's it. I always hoped there'd be more with the next guy. But I didn't know how to get it started.

"I never met a guy who didn't feel right having sex with someone he had no feelings for. It never entered my mind. I never had feelings like affection for another guy, except crushes for boys I couldn't have. Now I kind of understand it's what I've been looking for. I've been worried too, you know, that I'm not good enough for you.

"But I liked you when we met on Sunday. When you left, I felt like we'd known each other a while. Like we were friends already. And maybe we could learn to trust each other more. That's something I guess I've always wanted but didn't realize it, didn't know how to find it. Like you kind of said, there's no mating ritual for gay guys. There's not much so-called social framework for us the way there is for straight people. So I never dreamed it might appear in front of me one day walking through a park.

"Here, we cross the street here, Charles is the next street north, where the restaurant is.

"And what you said about being damaged? Most of us are damaged by our late teens, hurt in some way at least by our parents whether they intended it or not. It's part of life. But of course, some damage is way worse, some stuff I've heard about is criminal. Including what's happened to you."

"Um, what will they think at the restaurant, two guys like us without women? Won't they …"

"I don't think so. I've been here I think three times. As long as we're dressed presentably and behave, they don't care. This area is near the centre of the city's gay community. No one ever calls it that, you know how people in this city and country are, they're afraid even to talk about us, they pretend we don't exist, but it's true. Walk along Church Street between Bloor and Carlton some time, especially at night, and see for yourself. Amazingly the politicians haven't yet tried to tear it all down, and the cops haven't arrested everyone they find on the sidewalk. Not yet anyway."

They arrived at the restaurant. Alan held opened the door, Danny walked in ahead of him.

A man approached them and said "Good evening, gentlemen."

He looked at Alan and asked, "I think I recognize you, you're Alan, aren't you? You have a reservation this evening?"

"Hi, yes we do."

"Welcome back, sir." He looked at Danny. "May I take your wrap?"

Danny looked at Alan. My wrap, he thought, I guess he means my jacket. He handed over the jacket.

The man smiled, took the jacket and said, "My name is Bert. Marie here will show you to your table."

Alan looked at Marie and said, "I made a reservation in the name of Alan London."

Marie checked her book, looked up with a smile and said, "Yes, Mr. London, welcome back. I have your table ready, gentlemen, please follow me."

Danny pretended to be sophisticated but it was special, being spoken to and served this way. Alan took him by the arm and guided him as they followed Marie toward the front to a table for two by the window.

"Have a seat, gentlemen, your waiter will be with you shortly." She pulled one of the chairs back from the table and looked at Danny. He stepped forward, sat, looked up and thanked her. Alan seated himself opposite.

Danny looked around, taking it all in. His parents rarely took the family to restaurants when his dad was alive, and when they did, it was Steak'nBurger, a chain selling uniformly bland but reliable steak dinners for people on low budgets, with a reputation for counting every tomato slice, carrot stick and strawberry. This was a new experience.

"This is really nice, Alan. Thanks for bringing me here."

Alan smiled broadly. Danny thought, he obviously planned this. He wants to impress me. He must like me to go to this much trouble. I think I'm being seduced. And if I am, I could get used to it.

His little fantasy was interrupted as a man approached them and said, "Good evening, gentlemen, I hope you're both well today. I'm Jeffrey, I'll be your waiter this evening. Can I get you anything from the bar?"

Alan said, "I'll have a glass of the house white wine?" Jeffrey looked at Danny expectantly.

"I'll just have water, please."

Jeffrey said, "We have Perrier if you would like that, sir."

Alan saw that Danny wasn't familiar with Perrier so he told the waiter, "Yes, that will be fine, bring Danny a Perrier."

The waiter left. Alan asked, "Do you know what Perrier is?"

"I'm not sure."

"It's bottled sparkling spring water from France, they claim that they get it from a spring they own there.

Alan leaned forward and quietly said, "I think he's gay."

"How do you know that?"

"It's my gaydar."

"Oh yeah, I've heard of that. I think I understand. I must have a little of it too."

Jeffrey returned with their drinks. He poured the cold bottled water into Danny's glass. He said he'd be back in a few minutes with the menus.

And the evening proceeded. They both ordered salads. Alan ordered veal, Danny the dover sole, which the waiter recommended, assuring them it was fresh, just arrived from Europe. Danny noticed the price—it was definitely expensive.

The food arrived and they began to eat. Alan asked about his parents.

"I didn't tell you. My dad died a year and a half ago. In a car accident. My…"

"I remember you saying that. I'm so sorry, Danny, I feel terrible for you."

"Thanks. Anyway, my mother's a little crazy but I think she's started to accept me since my dad died. My dad, he was present but absent, I guess you could say. We didn't have much of a relationship. Were your parents anything like that when you were a teenager?"

They talked about their years growing up.

"Did you know you were a homo, I mean, like, gay, when you were in high school? Did you, um, admit it to yourself, acknowledge it in your own head? When did you start to think about it?"

"Yes, I knew. I think I knew from nine or ten. I knew they wouldn't approve. I didn't care what they thought, actually, but I needed their support so I kept it to myself. They must have said things when I was a kid. It was always there, part of the background in our home and the world I grew up in. If you weren't attracted to girls, you were a pervert. I just figured I'd keep my mouth shut and survive. I'm smart, I'll find a way to live a good life no matter what they think.

"So I decided to wait until I finished university to tell them. By then I wouldn't need their financial help any more. I thought by that time they'd have figured it out because I never had a girlfriend. You know, a couple times over the years, my father asked me if I had found a girlfriend. So I told him, 'No, no girlfriend, I'm just playing the field.'"

Danny laughed. "That's funny. One Saturday a long time ago, my dad asked me what I was doing that evening. I told him I was going to one of my friends to watch the hockey game. So he says to me, 'When I was your age, I played the field.' I've hated that expression ever since."

Alan smiled and continued. "I never said which field!" They both laughed.

"I'm not going to pretend. It'd be ridiculous, I'd be tormenting myself. It's a sort of misfortune but it's okay, it doesn't seem like the end of the world, I can live with it. I think they've lost a lot more by losing me. I can live without them.

"Now that I think about it, I remember as a kid watching TV with them one Sunday night, Ed Sullivan show. Liberace was a guest that night and my dad called him a flaming fag or something like that. I didn't know what that was, I was very young, probably only maybe 10 or 11 years old but it stayed in my head for some reason.

"I went to a public library in Toronto when I was in, I think, first year at U of T. The big central library downtown, and I found a book that became known as the Kinsey Report, about sexuality."

"Oh yeah, I'm familiar with it. I read about it in high school."

"So you know all about it. How sexuality is like a spectrum. Just think of a rainbow. It's not just red, green and blue, purple and yellow and orange, it's thousands, millions of shades between those as well. The study identified this continuous spectrum aspect of human sexuality, a new way of thinking about it. But it's been largely ignored by people who don't like it, because of the threat it represents."

They finished dinner and were still talking. An assortment of desserts came on a cart. Each pointed to what he wanted and the cart with its samples was removed. The desserts were brought to the table along with coffee.

They had both enjoyed the evening.

They walked back toward Alan's place through the early spring darkness illuminated by street lamps and a few neon signs, retracing in reverse their route to the restaurant. They talked about all kinds of things. There was no hurry. It was a balmy evening for the time of year and the winter snow cover was gone.

The walk home took them through Allan Gardens where they first met some days ago. It was almost 9:30. The sun had set a couple hours earlier. The park was in darkness. Danny glimpsed a vague shape on a wide walkway near the centre of the park. They could occasionally make out a lone man or two in the darkness, standing, sitting, must be here for the same reason we were here last week, Danny thought. He and Alan talked quietly. He felt Alan's arm around his shoulders. That's odd, he thought, why is a car parked in here?

They were walking directly toward it.

Out of the darkness the car's halogen headlights pierced the night at their maximum souped up brilliance, as though the sun had exploded directly in their eyes, flooding them with a fantastically bright eruption of pure white light which for several seconds blinded them both. The light was so intensely bright, its effect was like being struck in the face. Had they committed a crime? An image came to mind, a spotlight on the face of a criminal in a dark room, from an old noir film.

They covered their eyes with their hands. Alan grabbed Danny's right arm and pulled him away toward another path that took them back toward the darkness. Danny opened his eyes and glanced back, making out the bright yellow paint of a stationary city police car, its headlights still piercing the gloom of the park.

They rushed along the new walkway shading their eyes as they went. Soon they were out of the park moving quickly along the sidewalk. There wasn't much traffic. They crossed the street into Alan's neighbourhood.

Alan cursed quietly. "It's a cop. A fucking cop."

Bare silhouetted tree branches loomed beneath the night sky. They walked on, relieved by the anonymity of the dark, feeling fear, anger, the harsh hostility of a city that didn't hide its contempt. The shadowy streets seemed utterly indifferent to them. Then they were home and walked inside.

Alan slammed the door behind them, locked it firmly and turned to Danny. With a deep breath of relief, he smiled. They stood a foot or so apart, he looked into the younger man's eyes, trying to read what was there. Danny shook a little. He wrapped his arms about Alan's middle and pulled him in. They kissed gently.

Alan drew back and softly asked, "Will you come with me?"

Danny nodded.

"Let's go to bed, okay?"

"Yeah."

Alan guided him to the dark bedroom. The room was dim, only slightly illuminated by stray light through the window. It took just a minute for both to strip bare, naked to each other for the first time. Danny wistfully remembered Kenny but Alan pulled him back from his momentary trance by gently nudging him toward the bed, covers pulled down, soft cool pillows.

Alan gazed at the contour of the boy's undulating shape, prominent rounded shoulders and chest, slim waist, buttocks in silhouette. He reached out to stroke gently the soft bare skin. They lay together kissing and caressing, shivering with anticipation. Sighs and moans and squeals of newfound affection and unrelenting pleasure floated with them deep into the night.

It took a long time to return from sexual bliss to real life. They remained tangled, holding on to each other.

"Danny my sweet, hey, it's getting a little sensitive down there!"

They rearranged themselves on the bed. The malice of the world was gone for now. They held each other close, and talked quietly.

Alan asked, "How do you feel?"

"Everything feels right with you."

"Me too. I was nervous when you arrived. You were, too. You know, like we talked about. You're only the second boy I ever kissed. Last Sunday, before you left. The others wouldn't do that. But you took me, you kissed me, in such a natural way. Gentle and sweet, the kiss of my life, the one I'll never forget. You touch my heart. I really want to kiss you. You're so different from anyone I've known before.

"I know we shouldn't jump into this too fast. But can you think about kind of getting together regularly? I don't just mean for sex, I mean let's do lots of things together, spend time together. I want to get to know you more. I know our lives are very different right now but we could see each other on the weekends and maybe one night a week we could at least go to a movie or something like that. You're down at the university every day, the campus is maybe a half hour walk from my office. You could come to my place some evenings, eat, study, spend the night if you like. It doesn't bother me that you're younger, I don't feel like I'm something special just because I've finished university and working. And you're awfully mature for 19."

"I don't think I'm as mature as all that. Let me think about it, okay? It's just, this is all new to me. I can tell you though, everything we've done, even what happened in the park was unforgettable because we were together. I saw men wandering alone there before the cop blasted those lights. It must have been horrible for them, by themselves, assaulted like that. They didn't deserve it, it must have been awful."

"I know, I thought about that, too. Uh, would you like to sleep over tonight?"

"Not tonight, I can't. I'm sorry I'm hesitating. I need to talk to my mom. It's better in person than if I tell her on the phone I'm sleeping over. I don't want to rile her any more than I have to. She's alone now, so I have to try not to hurt her. She's used to me being home by 12 or 12:15 so I have to leave soon. She'll get upset if I sleep over with no warning. It's only fair I talk to her and make sure she knows what's coming. Otherwise it will be on my mind all night, I'll feel guilty, which I hate feeling. Do you understand? I'm not, I'm... I don't want to leave you tonight, but–"

"It's okay. I get it. Change is hard. You're probably too nice to your mom, I think you're past the age most people have to let their parents know what's what. But, it has to be hard for her, being alone and all, so do it the way you feel you should. I just… my head is full of possibilities right now, dreams, wishes. I'll be here, Danny, waiting for you, let's do this together. I want more days and nights like today."

Danny looked at his watch. Almost midnight. Like Cinderella.

"Thanks, Alan. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll talk. Hopefully after I get a chance to talk to my mom."

"I know, it'll be better that way."

They kissed, long intimate kisses.

He left the bed and dressed quickly, it was time to leave. He didn't want to. They embraced at the door.

"I'll call you in the morning."

"Okay, and thanks again for taking me out, it's a night I'll never forget."

One more kiss and Danny left. Driving home, he wondered how wise it was to be expressing feelings like he had that night. But he didn't know what else to do with feelings like that. If he didn't tell him, his lover would never know.

He wanted to come out and say he loved him, but he had to be careful about saying it too soon. How long will feelings like these last? Will they grow, take on a life of their own, become some vast infinite thing we keep for the rest of our lives? Or will they go in cycles, hot, cold, hot, cold? Or will they cool off and go out, vanish like they never existed?

Thinking about it more, he realized, I have an analytical mind. I seem to do this with almost everything. If I analyze each word and filter everything through that analysis, I might never know how I feel. How can we trust each other completely if we do things like that? Just one more thing to talk to doc about.

Tonight—I think I'll always remember tonight. How I felt at the start and now. It all feels new, blazing new, different. A friendship? A relationship? Is it turning into love? You don't make love like we did tonight, he thought, with all that intensity, without it being meaningful, do you? It's the second of my life. The first hurt so bad when it ended. Will this one end? Anyway, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, Alan and I are friends. If someone questions it, I hope I'll be honest. If I get bad feelings back, animosity, hostility, I guess I'll know they're not my friends.

But I shouldn't hide any longer. Easier said than done. Like Dr. Margol says, I need a new way into the future. I hate the old one that men like me had to take in the past. I'm the one that has to decide the future direction of my life.

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