The Nonconformist
by Ken Cohen
Chapter 15
Death and Disillusion
In the late summer of 1967, eleven days before grade 13 was to begin, Danny had an appointment with Dr. Margol. He usually took the bus to these appointments; however, he forgot to set his alarm, and that morning he overslept. Alex said he would drop Danny at Dr. Margol's office on his way to work.
They were late leaving. Alex was late for his first meeting of the day. As he and Danny walked out the front door, they encountered Annie Crofter from across the street.
"Oh Alex, good morning. Sorry to trouble you so early in the day but I wanted to get you before you left for work. We have the petition about the sewer situation and—"
"Annie, I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk, I'm in a terrible hurry, already late for work and I have to get Danny to a doctor appointment. Call me tonight, I'll come over and have a look at it. I promise, sweetheart. I'll see you later."
Without waiting for an answer, he walked quickly to his car parked in the driveway, and Danny followed him. As they got in, Annie called behind them, "Have a good day, fellows, I'll see you later."
They took the old Chev because the newer car, a small 1965 Plymouth they had bought from a neighbour, was in for service. Alex drove fast despite the usual heavy rush-hour traffic, while listening to a news report on the radio, adjusting the volume control and talking to Danny. In a moment of inattention, he failed to notice until too late that the car ahead had stopped at a pedestrian crossing. Alex braked at the very last second, much too late to avoid a collision.
Still moving at almost 30 mph, the Chev slammed hard into the rear of the stopped car, in turn launching that vehicle forward through the crossing where it narrowly missed hitting the last of several children as they crossed the road on their way to their day camp. The force of the collision thrust Alex, who was unbelted, forward forcefully into his car's steering wheel, fracturing two of his ribs. An autopsy three days later confirmed that one rib pierced his left lung and punctured a major blood vessel. The punctured vessel bled profusely into the lung. He was soon unconscious from the loss of blood.
Danny's seatbelt saved him. He screamed and screamed. At onlookers for help. At his father to wake up. He screamed. He ran from the car and back into it and back out to the centre of the road where he folded up, lay down and cried, staring up at the benign gray clouds that hid the morning sky. He returned to the car and held his gasping dad in his arms until eventually the police and an ambulance arrived.
They took Alex and Danny to the hospital. Alex was dead before they arrived. They released Danny that afternoon into the arms of Uncle Lewis. The driver of the car struck from behind was taken to the hospital in a state of emotional shock as a precaution but suffered no long term effects.
The funeral at Barbara's request would be held quickly and kept small and private. Of all his friends, Danny called only Gray and Mike. He asked them not to spread the word. His mom didn't want a lot of people at the funeral.
Danny wouldn't call Kenny.
A rift had opened with Ken's last letter. Ken no longer wanted to be with him. So Danny decided to be the magnanimous one. Ken shouldn't feel obliged to miss the first week at university, so don't trouble him about Alex's death until after the funeral.
His subconscious was telling him, don't expect Ken to do you the favour of coming to Toronto either before or after the funeral. He wouldn't return to Toronto for university, he didn't even condescend to offer an explanation, so why should Danny expect him to return for nothing but a funeral?
Behind this lay anger, and behind the anger a lot of hurt, and a fear of more to come.
His rationalization was a way to protect himself from further pain. If he called Ken before the funeral only to be told he couldn't come, that might have been the final straw, a stake through the heart of their relationship.
And even if Ken had come for the funeral, the possibility of conflict while he was here could have caused further pain.
Gray and Mike were at the church service and burial. Danny spoke to both of them at the cemetery, and found himself crying on Mike's shoulder. He felt he could not do that with Gray.
After the funeral, within the next few days, Barbara's brothers, nieces and nephews all went back to Montreal and Ottawa where they lived. Only Alex's sister Molly and her husband Uncle Lewis remained to help them.
The Sunday after the funeral, Danny, Barbara, Mary, Molly, Lewis and their two adult children Spiros and Pat, went to church together and then returned to Danny's house. Barbara, Mary and Molly prepared lunch. Everyone sat around the dining room table eating and talking quietly. The question of money was raised.
"Alex had life insurance through work," said Barbara, "one of his partners there told me there is $100,000 term insurance, he gave me the details after the funeral, before we came home. So there's that at least.
"But I'm sure there's a second policy. Another company cashes a $1,200 cheque every month. Alex said it was life insurance, but it costs almost half of what he makes. I mean, made. It's a policy that he said is for saving combined with the insurance. It was supposed to let him retire when he reached 60 or 65. I have to look for it, he put it away somewhere."
On the first day of the new school year, Danny and Mary returned to school. It felt unreal.
The bell rang for the first class. For Danny, Latin with, again, George Gregg, one of the best teachers he'd ever had. As everyone assembled, Mr. Gregg approached him. "Danny, I've been told you lost your dad two weeks ago. I would like to express to you my deeply felt condolences and those of many of the other teachers who know you. I've known you for quite a while now and watched you grow into a young man these last years. I can only try to imagine what you're feeling. If I can be of any help, you will please let me know."
"Thank you, sir, I appreciate this." Praise from this man he so respected was a boost to his morale.
It was grade 13, a target he'd aimed for across what seemed like his entire life. He felt on shaky ground that first morning, moving from class to class as though grappling in a fog with some indistinct version of reality. Mike took him aside at lunch and talked to him. Later, Gray talked to him at length. Johnny, Barry, Sharon, all his friends there, and other students he'd known for many years going back to primary school, over the next few days all expressed to him their sorrow and offered whatever help they could give. Generally, he had little to say. I guess I know, now, what it means to have a heavy heart, he thought. He felt every day as though his eyes were holding back tears. The days moved on.
Now, two weeks later, his head had cleared and he had to call Kenny.
But he felt guilty. I shouldn't have put off the phone call, he realized. Even if Ken's decision to stay in Vancouver was selfish, it couldn't be seen as aimed at me except by a paranoid mind or a childish viewpoint. Am I one of those things? Or just someone in a lot of pain whose judgment has been impaired by what I've experienced? Or am I in the right?
He remembered Dr. Margol's advice after Kenny moved. I should have listened to him, he thought. He said to stay the course with Kenny, no matter what comes, without wavering, so he'll always know I love him. That will give me the best chance of getting him back.
Nevertheless… I have to call him now. Two weeks later. Will Ken understand what I was trying to say by waiting? Do I even understand? Does it matter any more? Does Ken even care? Or has he written me off? If he hasn't, he probably will after this. Maybe I'll just admit to making a mistake and apologize. But, does he care? Or am I apologizing to a guy who might hate me?
What's done was done. Dad was buried. He had to make the call.
He dialled the 10 digit number and waited. After about 10 seconds he heard the sound of the other line ringing. It was picked up on the third ring.
"Hello?"
"Hi Mrs. Dressen, it's Danny Stavros in Toronto. I wonder if I can speak to Ken."
"Hi Danny, how are you?"
"I'm not good, Mrs. Dressen. My father has died in a car accident."
"Oh my God! I can't believe it. That's terrible. Oh Danny, I feel so badly for you. Oh my God. Can you tell me what happened?"
Danny explained in a few words.
"Oh my. Oh. Just a minute, Danny."
He heard talking at the other end. She was telling someone what happened. Then:
"Danny. My mom just told me. I feel so bad for you. My poor Danny, when did this happen?"
"It was about two weeks ago."
"Two weeks ago?"
"Yeah, two weeks ago. I didn't want to tell you until after the funeral. I knew you couldn't come to the funeral because of school, and didn't want to put you on the spot."
"Oh, okay."
Silence.
"I would've been there, Danny. I wish you had called. I would have thought it would be automatic. You know I would do anything for you. I would've come. I know I just started school. I guess you got my letter. But I would've come if you let me know what was going on. You know how I feel about you."
Danny spoke in a monotone. "Well, look, I just wanted to phone and tell you."
"I feel terrible for your mom. How's she doing?"
"She's been a bit of a mess, it's hard on her. We're taking care of her. She's even being nice to me."
"Okay."
"So I wanted to let you know. Say hi to your dad and your brother and let me know how school goes."
"Sure, of course."
"Okay, then, well, bye."
"Bye."
Danny hung up. He took a deep breath. That was quick. Maybe he accepts what I said.
He walked back to his bedroom, got ready for bed, closed the door behind him, lay down and cried for a few minutes. He looked at his clock, it was 11:45 p.m. He'd better try to sleep. He felt lost, empty, alone. He'd lost Kenny. Now he'd lost his father. It hurt more than he could describe. Kenny…
It was the end of the following week. They ate dinner quietly. Danny helped his mom wash the dishes after dinner and then told her he was going to get a start on his homework. But he couldn't concentrate and so he eventually joined her in front of the TV.
"Mom, it's Friday night. Can we watch the new Star Trek episode?"
"Is it the new season starting tonight?"
"Yes."
"Definitely. Go ahead, turn it on. I think dad's spirit will join us, he loved watching it last year." She sounded sad. He realized how frail she'd become. He worried she might be going mad.
The first episode of the season was called Amok Time. Spock becomes moody and it is discovered that he must return to Vulcan for a mating ritual, otherwise he will die. During the mating ritual, Spock kills Captain Kirk.
At that point, the phone rang. Danny walked out of the living room to where the phone sat near the front door, settled onto the chair and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hi Danny, it's Ken."
"Where are you calling from?"
"Home, I'm home for the weekend."
"Oh, hi. Why are you calling? Are you okay?"
"Listen, Danny, I'm upset. I mean, I got your letter, I feel terrible for you, like I told you last week. But I still don't understand why you waited so long to tell me your dad died. I would've liked to be at the funeral. It really has me upset. I don't understand why you didn't call me?"
"I told you, I didn't want you to come all that way for it. I knew you might want to come if I had called you right away and I just couldn't do that. I really didn't want to trouble you or drag you all the way to Toronto. You needed to be in school. I know how hard that course is, you would've missed the whole week."
"I wouldn't have missed the whole week, it would have been a couple days. It wouldn't have mattered. You should have let me be the judge of that. I thought we were best friends. I thought we loved each other. I thought you would want me there. It should have been automatic for you to call me. Of course I would've come. I feel like you excluded me and I don't understand why. Now I'm wondering what's going on in your mind. You just don't want me around any more? Is that it?"
"Don't want you? That's completely wrong. I miss you terribly every day. That's the problem. You're not around. You left a long time ago, you're not coming back, do you have any idea how I feel here? How lonely I am? How much I miss you?"
"Look, I didn't call to argue about it. I just want you to know how I feel. This is the first time I've felt like you don't really want me or need me. I'm angry about this. That's all I wanted to tell you. I wish you had called me, I would've come. Anyway, write to me, let me know how you're doing. Good luck in school this year."
"Wait a second! Don't hang up! You're the one who said you'd come back to Toronto for university. Then you didn't. You could have, you know. If you had, you would've been here and would have still been part of my life. You know how I… Don't ever think I don't need you or want you or miss you, Kenny! I love you and I miss you so much it hurts like hell every damned day. So good-bye, Kenny, I have to go."
His last words quivered. He hung up without waiting for a response and began to cry. He couldn't help himself. Shit, he thought, Kenny's angry. I've never heard him like that. He's never been angry at me like that.
He hates you, he's sick of you, he's done with you. Forget about him.
And now, my mom! I forgot about—
"Danny?" It was Barbara. "Is everything okay?"
He stopped crying and returned to the living room. It was obvious to Barbara he'd been crying, she had overheard parts of the conversation including the end. His nose was running and his eyes were red. "Yes, mom, it's okay. Don't worry, it's okay."
"Danny, I'm sorry but I couldn't help overhearing. You're in so much pain. I didn't realize how deeply you loved daddy. I wondered why you didn't call Kenny before. Now you're having problems with him?"
"Mom, it's okay. It'll be okay. Don't worry about it, please."
He began to walk to his bedroom. "Danny? Sweetheart? Don't you want to finish watching Star Trek?"
"Not right now, mom. I'm tired, I'm going to lie down."
He noted in the back of his mind that his mother again seemed to care about him more since the accident. She was talking to him gently. Without the old anger. Was she going mad?
Before going to sleep, he wrote Kenny a quick letter reiterating what he said on the phone while reassuring him that he still loved him. When he mailed it the next day, he wondered whether he would ever hear from Kenny again. Tuesday of the following week, a letter came from Ken, repeating much of what he'd said to Danny on the phone.
In Vancouver, the moment Danny hung up, Ken broke down and cried for several minutes. It took a while for his parents to calm him down.
"What happened, Kenny? What's wrong?"
"Mom, he didn't want me there. I don't think he wants me any more. He sounded so upset. I'm the one who was hurt here. He didn't call me, he could have at least called me. I guess it's over, he's so angry."
"I wonder if you upset him because you decided to stay in school here instead of going back to Toronto?"
"That could be. It's hard to say. But it had to be this way. Otherwise I'd never know, you know, what we talked about? Otherwise I'll never know. And he wouldn't either. What the hell did I do that he'd wait two weeks to call me after his dad died?"
A week later, while searching for the missing insurance policy, they found a sealed envelope addressed to Danny, in Alex's handwriting. Written on the envelope were the words "for Danny Stavros only, private and confidential." Danny opened it.
Along with the letter, they found the second life insurance policy, a "whole life" policy issued 18 months earlier in January, 1966 for $300,000. Uncle Lewis said the insurance company would pay at least $600,000 because the policy was supposed to pay double if the death were an accident. It was an enormous amount of money but Danny didn't want it, he wanted his father back.
Uncle Lewis said the money in the policy was left to Danny, Mary and Barbara equally. Mary and Danny would receive their shares when they turn 21. Uncle Lewis came to the house to pick up the policy and have them sign powers of attorney so that he could act for them and send in the claim. Two days later he delivered the notice of claim to the insurance company.
Gray joined the school's football team in this his senior year. He had been physically active since he was a boy and had natural athletic ability. Now he had the time available and loved to play football. He wanted the split end position but that was already Danny's and so Coach Taylor made him Danny's backup at that position, and gave him the starting free safety spot on defence. That was a good move by the coach. Grey had the right instincts, he could sense where the quarterback was going to throw the ball before he threw it and could run even faster than Danny. After he intercepted five passes in the first three games, opposing quarterbacks began mostly confining themselves to short passes and running plays.
It was early November. School was going pretty well. The York North collegiate championship football game was ten days away, and King High had made the finals for the first time in its short history. First semester exams were two weeks away. Danny felt like he had the world on his shoulders, but also felt for the first time like he could handle it. He could discipline himself to deal with problems as they arose. He still had plenty to learn about money, and love, and many other things. One thing at a time, he told himself, you can do this.
Barbara found a job four days a week doing bookkeeping. The board of education had her information from her original job application and would contact her if a teaching position came up. They offered her a substitute teacher job in the interim, but she didn't want that. She wanted to teach children up to ten years old on a full time basis and was willing to wait for the right position.
Mary and Danny helped with the housework. Barbara did the shopping and cooking, Danny the house cleaning, Mary the laundry.
The school football team had won five of its six games. Last week it beat Forest Hill in the region semi-final. Friday next week would be the all-Toronto championship game. King v. Humber. Danny and Mike had played well all season. The team was practising every day for the championship game.
On Monday at the end of the day, they were in the locker room changing for football practice.
Danny sat on the bench between the rows of lockers, already mostly suited up, gazing at Mike who sat next to him on the bench, naked, getting ready to suit up. Mike's locker was directly opposite Danny's.
Danny had seen Mike naked many times. Mike had a beautifully sculpted athletic frame, firm and tight. Much of his strength and build was in his arms, shoulders and chest. His waist was lean and practically free of fat, you could see some of his stomach muscles rippling, he looked almost like one of those ancient Roman statues Danny had seen when they stopped in Rome on the way home from Greece. Danny himself was not too bad looking, he worked out regularly at the Y and at school, and on top of that had a body sculpted by the factory work he did during the summer. But Mike's body looked so natural and perfect.
Mike pivoted looking for something on Danny's side of the bench and in the process caught Danny's stare. Their eyes met for an instant, Danny looked away too late. Caught, blushing, slightly breathless, he was quickly on his feet and walking away holding his helmet, out the locker room door, to the end of the hall and out the back door into the cold open air and the football field behind the school, embarrassed, chastising himself for the umpteenth time.
He joined a few teammates who had assembled and were stretching. Didn't seem to be his day, he thought, hope Mike forgives me. His thoughts randomly returned to his father. Over the next ten minutes, the rest of the team assembled and everyone was stretching.
As usual after the practice Danny was tired and sore. It had been a long day. He showered and dressed quickly, gathered his books and other stuff. When Mike was ready, they headed for the exit.
"I miss your dad," Mike told Danny sadly, just as Mike's father's car appeared, to pick them up.
"Me, too." Danny was quiet as they drove home.
They dropped him off, but before he got out, Mike asked if he might come by in the morning. "I'd like that a lot, Mike. Thanks."
He used to walk to school with Kenny, but that memory seemed distant. His dad's memory was fresh. Both absences hurt. Walking to school alone every morning that fall was feeling awfully lonely. He had done so in younger days, but now, alone again, had a stark sense of what he was missing.
At home, they ate dinner. Danny cleaned the kitchen and washed the dishes. He settled into his homework over the next couple hours. He managed to do further house cleaning for an hour. Then he was asleep, exhausted.
Next morning, Tuesday, Mike rang the doorbell as Danny was finishing breakfast. He let Mike in, went to brush his teeth and find his stuff for school. Mike talked with Barbara for a few minutes.
The two of them set off to school. It was a chilly blue-sky mid-November morning, the sun just starting to warm the air a little. Mike was quiet. Danny sensed something on his mind and waited.
"We made it, Danny, we're finally in grade 13. We go back a long time, don't we. I still vaguely remember you as a little kid."
"And I remember you too Mike."
"Something I want to talk about. Don't be offended. I like you, I think we're good friends, I trust you, I hope you trust me."
"Sure, Mike, I feel the same way about you."
"I don't know how to say this the right way, so I'll just say it. I noticed you watching me yesterday in the dressing room as I was getting ready. I've noticed this before, a few times. And I've noticed other things over the years. I mean, like I said, we've known each other since back in primary school. After Kenny moved away last winter, I remember how dejected you were, for weeks. You spent a lot of time with him in the months before he left, going back to grade 10. And you don't go out with girls, you hardly even talk about them.
"So, Danny, if you, kind of, like boys the way most guys like girls, please don't be offended, I just want you to know, I have no problem with it."
Danny felt his face growing hot.
"It's just, I gotta tell you, if I'm noticing stuff like this, you know, you looking at other guys, then other guys notice too. I don't want you having more problems. Not with Gerald Borstin, or that guy Darrell, or any of their carbon copies, whoever they are. You have to be careful. It's like what my dad says about defensive driving. You have to be defensive when you're out in public, you can't look at other guys the way most guys look at girls. If you don't follow that rule, sooner or later you'll get a bad beating and I don't want to see that happen. That's why I'm telling you this."
Shit. Mike was looking at him as they walked. Danny's face was hot, he knew he must be blushing.
"Fuck. I'm sorry. You're right. I don't know how to talk about this. I shouldn't have been doing what I did."
They walked quietly on as Danny wondered, what else to say? I could so easily fall in love with this guy. I wish I was a girl. I wish I was somewhere else. He took a deep breath. He would have to trust Mike.
"I've only trusted one other person with this, that's Kenny, and he's gone… I may never see him again. I was hurt in the past, bullied by people I didn't even know. That was before high school, it's what led to that Darrell Gruenrath stuff. So I don't talk about it, but keeping it inside hurts too, so… sorry, Mike. Not even sure what I'm blubbering about. Except, I don't like it. I don't wanna be like this. But it's how I am. Inside out. I've always been. My mother hated me because of it, now I think she accepts it as long as it stays hidden. My dad, he knew what the cops said, and was trying to understand and be a good father when he…"
He stopped in the street. "You know, it's—" his voice squeaked a bit "—really hard to be an actor every minute of every day. I can't relax. Mostly I feel, um, like, sad, real sad."
Mike spoke to him softly. "It's easy for me to say, but you don't have to feel that way. You don't have to hide from me. It was easier for you when Ken was around, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, he and I were pretty close. We could talk about anything."
"Look, Danny, I don't care. If that's what you are, I guess you have to live with it. But, some people don't like different. They want everyone to be the same as they are. Life would be boring if everyone you knew was the same and completely predictable, like a million identical mannequins walking around thinking and behaving the same way. That's kind of like how people were created in Brave New World."
"I know. But a big part of the world is hostile. People claim it's immoral because their priest or president or some asshole on a soapbox told them that, or a newspaper editorial called it vile sodomy. Like some men don't do sodomy with women! A pastor gives a sermon he knows his congregants love to hear, and like a bunch of trained monkeys they give him a standing ovation and throw lots of money his way. That's how it is.
"Anyway, I shouldn't have stared. Sorry, Mike. I hope you don't think I'm some kind of pervert. I promise I won't do—." Danny's toe caught the edge of a pothole. He flew forward, face first, crashing to the ground. Sprawled there, he groaned, rolled over and looked up, stunned and embarrassed.
Mike looked down at him with a big grin: "You sure you wanna be my split end? In the championship game? Is that the big move you're gonna win the game with?"
They were laughing, almost delirious with laughter. Mike held out his hand, which Danny gratefully grabbed as he stood back up. They hugged. "You're having a tough day and a tough year, Danny Stavros, and it's not even 9 o'clock in the morning. You're my split end, and the guy I want as my best friend, right to the end."
"How about I try out for substitute benchwarmer? You know what I keep regretting? I can't get it out of my head. I keep wishing my dad were here to watch us play. I think he made it to one game the last two seasons. I always wanted him to be proud of me, I guess I still do. We're having a championship season but he's not here to see it."
They walked on slowly. Mike said, "Just be you. Be the real Danny Stavros. I can kind of feel your pain and I feel for you, I really do. It makes me feel like we're brothers. I've loved the last couple years playing football with you, you take it seriously, I can count on you on the field and off. Now I'm getting to know you better, I see your feelings, I don't know anyone else with the courage to talk about himself like that.
"Anyway, I think I know the answer but, you and Kenny were in love, weren't you."
"Yeah, we were. It's gonna be a year since he left. He's gone and I don't think he's coming back. We, umm, let's just say we had feelings. I haven't gotten over that. It was a hard day, the day he left. Man do I miss him. But I'm afraid he's gone, Mike. I've lost him. Him and my dad both. So close together, too."
"Yeah, well, it's really sad and I feel bad for you."
"You know what I sometimes think? Suppose you were in love with someone and they were in love with you for a while, but then they got tired of you. If they found an excuse to leave you that made it look like it wasn't their doing, they could do that. They could leave without their conscience troubling them, the way it would if they had to break up with you. That's how I feel. It's just a feeling I have. Kenny had enough of me. He's better looking and a hell of a lot smarter. I never understood what he saw in me except that I was the only guy he could find like himself at the time."
"I don't think you're being fair and you're definitely underrating yourself badly. You'd have to ask him the question face to face so you can look him in the eye and see how he reacts. I don't think he's that kind of guy, I don't think he would've led you on for a year only for you to find out he was just using you."
"I didn't mean it that way. It's not that he was using me or leading me on. At least not the whole time. Maybe it started a few months before, and then circumstances changed and he decided to take advantage of that. I don't know. His parents knew about us. They definitely knew about him for a couple years before we met. I don't see why they couldn't have left him with his grandparents. It was just for six months or eight months. He said his dad would make be making much more money and could send him to school almost anywhere. So he could've stayed here and we could've stayed together.
"He wanted to get away from here. I'm sure of it. He wanted to see what it was like with other guys. He wanted to break up with me. I just know it. I haven't said anything to him and I probably never will. I might never see him again anyway. Even if I do, it won't be the same, we'll be living different lives by that time. We'll never be together again. I'm sure of it. It's over."
They arrived at the school and started talking about that day's practice.
Mikey's a God-send, he thought. Like a brother.
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