A Train in the Distance
by Junco
From The Previous Chapter
"If you guys can just get me upstairs, I won't have any problem staying with Shawn."
"We can do that," Phillip said. Hunter could move with his crutches, and easily made it to the door leading to my apartment. From there, Phillip and Trent carried him up the stairs. He had to keep his foot up, and I suggested that they lay him down on the bed. Both of us were tired, after not sleeping much the night before, and the bed seemed to be the place we were heading to. Ethan took Teddy for a walk, and after he returned, left the three of us alone. Teddy curled up on his pillow, while I curled up next to Hunter. He held me tight at first but then relaxed his grip, and gently held me till I fell asleep in his arms.
I stirred slightly, opened my eyes to see the last rays of sun, then closed them back as I felt his hand glide across my chest. I turned to him and opened my eyes again to see him smiling down at me.
"How long have I been asleep?" I asked.
"Couple hours."
"Did you sleep?"
"Yeah. I woke up right before you," he said. "I watched you fall asleep first. You looked so peaceful." I had nothing to say, and just hummed to myself for a second. It felt so good, laying there in my bed with him, and the thought of someone watching over me while I slept. Yes I felt that peace too.
"I'm a little hungry."
"Me too," he said.
"I'll see if I can find us something in a minute. Right now I just want to lay here with you." I couldn't see his face, but I could feel him smiling at me. We lay there together, as I watched the sky grow darker. I could hear the chirps of Cardinals making their last rounds before night settled in.
"I need to get up," he said.
"Let me help you."
I was prepared to help him walk, and got up first, but he moaned when he started to move.
"What's the matter baby?"
"I'm really sore."
"What hurts?"
"Everything," he said. "I didn't know I would be so sore."
"That car must have hit you hard."
"It really did. I saw it coming, but there was nothing I could do."
At that moment I realized how terrifying it must have been for him. I sat back down on the bed next to him and held his hand. I had no idea what to say, till I looked into his eyes.
"Were you scared?"
"Not sure I had time to be scared. It all happened so fast. I remember seeing headlights coming straight for me, and laying over toward the passenger seat. The impact scared me, but when I realized I was alright, I was actually kind of happy." I squeezed his hand, and at the same time squeezed his leg with my other hand. He looked at me, and it seemed as though he understood my concern. He knew I cared for him. I didn't have to say it. The moment passed, and I saw him smiling at me.
"Are you going to help me up or not?"
"Sorry. Got carried away again. You're so beautiful." I got up and came around to his side of the bed.
"I have to go pee," he said. Hunter was lighter than I anticipated, and I got his arm around my neck as we moved to the bathroom. It was different holding him steady while he peed. I had never been that close to a boy doing that, but instead of becoming sexually aroused, my obligation to help him overruled that sense of my being, and I did what was required of me without being selfish about it. I did look though, and he looked really nice. I helped him out to the couch where I got him some fresh ice for his ankle, then went to the kitchen to find something to eat.
While standing in the kitchen alone, I was remembering back to the previous night. I replayed the moment in my head, and could hear myself screaming while I lay trapped on the floor. If I could have gotten away from him, he would have never caught me. I always had speed on my side, but never strength. I didn't want to be a muscle head, but I was done with being an easy target. I wanted to work out more so I could at least defend myself, and hopefully feel better about what happened.
My eyes stared blankly at the sink, while I contemplated how stupid I was. It was Teddy walking across the floor that brought me back to reality. He was wagging his tail, looking happy to see me. I was truly happy to see him too. I hugged him first, then got him something to eat. I was watching Teddy eat, admiring his thick warm coat, and thankful he was around. I had never seen him do anything but play, and watching him now, he looked calm and peaceful. It was hard to believe he could be so protective. Before I got back to working on dinner, Ethan came to the door, and I promptly let him in.
"Hey Shawn."
"Ethan. Good to see you."
"Tell me. How are you all doing?"
"You can see Teddy is happy as ever. Now Hunter is hurting, but I'm doing okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," I said flatly, but he squinted slightly as he looked at me, then put his arm around me. I never could lie very well, and with Ethan it was nearly impossible. After last night, our bond was so tight, and being truthful was the only thing I felt comfortable with.
"Um...I was a little scared being in here just now."
"I understand," he said, and gave me a big hug. I knew he cared for me, not like a lover, but the feeling was true, and I felt it deep within me. "It's going to take you some time, but I'm sure you'll sort things out."
"I think you're right."
"Is Hunter still laying on the bed?"
"No. I got him on the couch right now."
"You're being awful quiet in here," Ethan said to Hunter, as he entered the living room.
"Just thinking," he said.
"Two young boys like you, you're bound to be hungry by now."
"That's what I was suppose to be doing," I said.
"I'll get you something to eat," Ethan said.
"You don't have to do that."
"Not a problem. I still have food I brought from my moms. You go keep your boy company, and I'll be back in a few minutes."
"That sounds good." For the moment, I didn't want to be in the kitchen alone, and Hunter was my biggest concern. I went and joined him in the living room while we waited. He moved forward a little, leaving his feet up on the couch and put his back to my side. I put one arm around his front, and felt his chest muscles with my hand. I kissed the side of his neck, but I didn't feel the sexual energy as I had before. Instead I felt sweet love in it's purest of forms. I felt it in every part of me, as if my whole being wanted to love him.
"I'm still falling for you," I said
"I know. Every day I love you more than the last."
"I love you so much." I looked into his eyes for a moment before we kissed. It was always fun kissing him, but once again, we were in an awkward position, as I was sitting behind him, sideways to his back. Kissing the back of his neck was a lot easier, and almost as much fun. I was eating him up, enjoying the taste of his skin on my lips. The more I kissed him, the more I felt love for him, as if it were coming straight from my heart. My feelings for him continued to intensify but I lacked the energy to make love to him.
I hoped he could still love me after what happened. He never gave me any indication, that he wouldn't, but I was concerned. I was thinking about talking to him about it, but Ethan was due back with our food, and I was sure we could talk later if I wanted to.
I got a call from Ethan, and went to go help him bring up our food. Ethan's mom was a great cook, and the three of us chowed down. He informed us that Mark Sanchez had called earlier, and he would be stopping by latter, and sure enough, he did right after supper.
Mark came into the room and said he was getting ready to start his shift, and wanted to stop by first and see how I was doing. He looked smartly dressed in his uniform, but what really took me was how good he smelled. At first the conversation was directed toward me, and how I was doing. Then he gave me some pepper spray and showed me how to use it properly. He said that Ethan had asked where he could get some, which answered my question of how he knew.
Then Mark took an interest to Hunter and talked with him for a while. It was like he was feeling Hunter out. I guess he wanted to be sure I was in good company.
I noticed Mark, how much his eyes lighted up when he started a conversation with Ethan. It was Ethan who initiated their chitchat with a question about the investigation, but it drifted off that topic to other things, and their conversation became more friendly. I also watched as Ethan seemed to take great interest in Mark.
Mark had an adventurous look to him, young, yet seasoned with confidence that only experience could bring. Physically he looked strong, even with the uniform, but I was certain his clothes were hiding a magnificent body. As tough as he looked on the outside there was a softness in his personality, something that led me to believe he was family. He told us all goodbye, as Ethan showed him to the door.
Hunter and I were eyeing each other as we heard them talking quietly in the other room. I heard them discuss things they did in their spare time, but then the two of them stepped outside the door, and continued to talk.
"What do you think that's all about?"
"Looks to me like there's something going on with those two," I replied.
"I thought so too," Hunter said, but then kissed me, and I got lost in his soft lips. I moved, and was now sitting in front of Hunter, with his legs overtop my lap, and I could lean into him, and easily kiss him. We didn't stop, not until we heard the door open back up, and Ethan returned to the room, with a blank stare.
"So did Officer Mark arrest you, while you were outside." I asked.
"I wish he'd arrest me," Hunter said to me.
"I know, he's tough," I replied.
Our eyes went back to Ethan, who still hadn't said anything but he was smiling at us.
"So what gives Ethan?"
"Did he kiss you?" Hunter asked.
"No he didn't kiss me." He paused again, "I'm not sure he's gay, but something tells me he is. I just don't know."
"Told you," Hunter said to me.
"That's cool Ethan," I said. "Do you like him?"
"It's the uniform," Hunter said.
"Could be," Ethan said, as he smiled at us. "He did look pretty sharp."
"What did you guys talk about?" I asked.
"He's just a real caring person. Mark said he's concerned about you."
"Me?"
"Yes you. He said it disturbed him seeing you hurt the night he responded. Wait that was last night, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. Seems like ages ago," I said.
"It does. Well anyway, he said it took all of his training not to loose it last night. He's seen his share of violence, but after seeing you, he had to fight off a lot of emotions."
"What kind of emotions?" Hunter asked.
"First he was sad, then later mad. Now he's trying to direct all that energy into finding this guy."
"I didn't know all that," I said.
"It's true. He was quite taken with you."
"Shawn has that affect on me too," Hunter said, then smiled at me. "I'm quite taken with him." I kissed Hunter for his sweet comment, but turned back to Ethan. "But you're the one he likes."
"Not sure," Ethan said. "Could be but I bet he's careful about who he comes out to. Now you two are hitting it off well."
"I think I'm in love," I said, looking toward Hunter. "Even from the first night I saw you."
"I know I am," he replied with a kiss.
"Do you guys talk?"
"All the time. I tell Shawn what's on my mind. I think we're both real honest with each other."
"What about you Shawn?"
"Me? Um...I try to be honest. I mean I have so far, but so much has happened, and...just have a lot on my mind right now."
Ethan's look changed. "Now Hunter, you're going to have to be real understanding with Shawn for a while."
"I know. He's going through some stuff right now. I'm going to give him lots of hugs and kisses."
"Keep talking to him. If you think he's having trouble, call me, or come down and see me."
"That's cool," Hunter said. "We haven't talked about it yet, but I think we need to wait till we have sex."
I looked at Hunter. It was like he was reading my mind. I wasn't proud to say, and didn't want to, but it looked like the topic was about to surface.
"What do you think Shawn?"
"It's bothering me a little," I replied to Ethan's question. "I wish I knew what was going on in my head, cause I've never felt like this before."
"Felt like what?" Hunter asked, as he turned toward me, but I couldn't look at him just yet.
"I'm feeling confused for some reason."
"Confused how?" Ethan asked.
"Um...I never had to question my sex drive before. It's always so strong, but I'm not feeling anything right now."
"Do you still love me?"
"Yes baby," I replied to Hunter. "I still love you," but when I said it, I couldn't feel it, and I'm sure I wasn't very convincing. We had just talked about love a minute ago, and now I felt like I was losing him. My energy was suddenly drained, and my body was shutting down. I lost all expression in my face, as I began to question my love for him. I thought I still loved him, but my emotions were on a roller coaster, and I couldn't feel anything at the moment. Hunter was facing back toward Ethan, and the two of them were talking, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't focus, and their words seemed to jumble up in my mind.
They talked for a while, and then as Ethan stood up to go, and said, "You take care of him."
"I will," Hunter replied, but that was all I heard, till I noticed silence in the room.
"Where did Ethan go?" I asked.
"He's taking Teddy for a walk. You're not doing so good right now."
"I'm sorry. I guess I'm tired, or something."
"I think it's time we go to bed. You go brush your teeth, and I'll get Ethan to help me when he gets back." I put on a pair of shorts, and put another pair on the bed for Hunter. The bed felt good, and I started drifting off to sleep rather quickly, as I nestled in under the covers. I felt the presence of someone in the room, and realized I had already dozed off. I thought it was Ethan and Hunter, but I was only half awake till Hunter crawled in under the sheets beside me, and I let go of everything and went to sleep.
During the night I woke up several times, and moved closer to Hunter each time, only to fall right back asleep. It didn't seem to matter if I was touching him just a little, or if my whole body was against him. The feeling of his body next to mine, felt like heaven. Morning came, but thick clouds obscured the sun. In my half sleep state, I put my hand on Hunters chest. He felt so good as he lay next to me asleep. The longer I lay there, the more awake I became. I tired to sleep but it was no use.
He looked so beautiful sleeping, and I reached out to feel his arms, and chest. His muscles felt good, but I had no yearning for him. That was strange not to want him right then and there. It should have turned me on, but that intense feeling never came. I wanted to stay next to his warm body, but frustration was taking over, so I got up to take Teddy for a walk.
I looked at his sleeping body one more time before I walked out the door. He was absolutely gorgeous. A boy in my bed, and I was walking away from him. What was wrong with me?
I thought I would be gone for just a few minutes, but once out on the street, I kept walking, turning here and there with no real direction. I didn't have a place to go, nor did I have a sense of where I had been. I just walked, not really thinking about much of anything.
We had walked some distance, till we came up on a bridge. It wasn't my bridge, but another tall bridge that spanned the railroad. I could still see parts of the downtown buildings but I was further away now, and trees blocked part of my view. I looked down at the two sets of tracks, and slowly looked up the rails for some sort of sign, an indication of what to do. For the longest time I stood there, not looking at much of anything. At some point it started sprinkling, but Teddy didn't care, and neither did I. I was wondering if I could be myself again, and live my life like any other gay boy. Would Hunter ever understand me, or would he get tired of me and move on. I didn't want him to go. This was the time that I needed him the most, and I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving.
Hunter seemed further away than ever before, becoming almost fuzzy in my memory. If he wanted to leave, I didn't have the strength to hold onto him. I wanted to keep him, but he was going to have to like me the way I was. Problem being, I didn't like me, and didn't know how or what he saw in me. The thought of him leaving was tearing me up, and living without him was more than I could deal with.
I looked down at the tracks again. It was a long way down, and tears were in my eyes as I contemplated jumping. I probably just would have broken my legs, and not being able to move would just piss me off.
The rain picked up, and it soured my mood even more. I thought about moving on, but I could hear a train in the distance. I waited for it, hearing it get closer, till I could see it far away. Watching it approach, I pondered how long it would take to get to me, counting the minutes like it was some sort of game. The closer it got, the more I anticipated its' arrival, until I started counting the seconds. If I jumped off the bridge, and my timing was just right, I could land right in front of it, and if the fall didn't kill me, for certain the train would. I gripped the railing tighter, as I studied its movement, trying to anticipate its speed. The train drew closer, as the sound of the massive diesel engine echoed off the sides of the embankment on either side of me. If I was going to do something, I needed to be moving now.
Dear Readers
Once again I apologize for the long break in-between chapters. I'm usually much better at finding time and energy to write. There are always events in our lives that interrupt our normal days, and I've had my share of that. The biggest issue that has kept me from writing is my job. I've suspected discrimination for sometime now, but I tend to ignore it. I got confirmation on my suspicions, things that my boss said, and it got back to me that he doesn't like gays. His actions let me know he was looking to get me fired, and just recently that happened. It's a cruel world sometimes, but the only one we got to live in, so I'm not looking back too much, but keeping a positive attitude for a job that's right for me. Things happen for reasons, and a lot happened just prior to this event. Things that let me believe I'm heading in the right direction now.
I've got more time now, so be looking for the next chapter very shortly.
I appreciate your patience, and hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Jimmy
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