Do I Dare Say Anything

by Jonathan Perkins

This is a true story of my high school years and the torment I suffered from not speaking up when I should have. Coming out in a small conservative New England town in the late 60's was not a recommended thing to do. I missed out on something special by not having the courage to say something.

This story is about two teenage boys. There is not really any sex but rather the pains of being a horny teenager in high school. The names and places have been changed to protect the reputation of those involved. I hope your take away from reading this is to not let opportunities get away from you that can never present themselves again.

I was a typical teenager growing up in a conservative New England small town. Like most thirteen-year-olds, I was perpetually horny. One of my friends stole his older brother's porn magazines for us to get together and look at. It didn't take much convincing for me to join them in dropping our pants and jerking off when our cocks had gotten so hard we needed relief. Naturally our eyes drifted from the magazine to each other's cocks. Who was cut, who was bigger, and who had the most pubes and so on. Once we had got our cursory glances, our eyes went back to the magazine until one of us yelled he was cumming. I had seen cum shoot out of my cock often enough but I had never seen another cock send a stream of cum shoot across the floor. I think we all had the most intense orgasms of our young lives. Satisfied but embarrassed, we pulled up our pants and broke up our jerk party. We never did it again but the sight of shooting cum was burned into my memory.

Fast forward to the fall and the start of junior high school, seventh and eighth grade. Everyone was standing on the apron in front of school as the teachers called out the names for their respective homerooms. I had changed schools several times prior to this so I was looking to see how many friends I could find. I was scanning the group when a teacher called out the name Timothy Kenniston. A boy moved through the group and stepped up to the teacher. I stopped looking when I saw him. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen before in my life. I considered myself a normal straight teenager, just always horny and dealing with the runaway hormones surging through my body. Something about this boy sent my body a buzz. Brown wavy hair, over the ears as was the style in the late 60's, a smooth complexion still sporting a deep summer tan and a slim build. His smile created an aura about him that other kids noticed as well. I made up my mind I was going to make friends with this boy. Timothy, or Tim, a name I would remember for years to come.

My name was called and I went in to find my assigned homeroom. As I was walking the hall, I looked in each classroom to see if I could find which room Tim was in. Paydirt! He was in room ten, siting sideways in his chair, chatting with everyone around him. Charisma was added to his other appealing characteristics. Tim in room ten stored in my memory for later.

Our seventh grade class was divided in segments, based on our scholastic ability. Tim was in the top group and I was in the second of seven groups. We wouldn't be in the same classes but at least I would see him in the hall and at lunch.

I would pass him in the hall between classes and we'd give each other the obligatory nod and smile. At lunch he would sit with his new friends from his segment. I would glance at him without trying to be caught but every now and then he would catch me staring. He would smile and nod his head. I had to be careful not to get too excited and bone up. I have no idea why this boy had his effect on me. I'm straight and have no interest in boys. Except him.

At the end of the first month of school, I was called to the principal's office. He told me there had been a mix up in the paperwork and I really belonged in segment one. He handed me a new schedule and sent me to my next class. I walked in and gave the teacher my pass from the office. She introduced me to the class and assigned me a seat. Could this day get any better? My seat was right next to Tim. I sat down and put my books on the desk. Tim turned and reached out his hand.

"Hi. My name is Tim, welcome to segment one."

Like I didn't know his name. I took his hand and felt something deep inside me stir. Well, actually something in my pants stirred.

"Leo. Thanks. I hope I can catch up to you guys."

"We haven't done a whole lot yet, but if you need any help, just let me know. I'd be glad to help."

And that was the beginning of our friendship.

Tim and I hit it off right away. He was easy to talk to; he had a great sense of humor and could listen when someone talked. It didn't seem like he was spending more time with me than any of his other friends so I had to be careful not to be a pain in the ass and monopolize him. Our friendship grew all fall. By winter break, I was building up my courage to try and hit on him to see how he would respond. I was chatting with him at his locker as we discussed plans for the vacation. He told me he had asked one of the girls from our segment to go to the movies with him over break. Not the best time to hit on a guy as he is telling me about his date. A bunch of us got together over break to hang out. Tim confided in me that his date wasn't that great. It was a blow to his ego so he said he was going to wait a while until he dated again.

'Well, I'm always available' I said in my mind but still didn't have the balls to suggest any such thing. We had such a solid friendship I was afraid of screwing that up. Being gay or even bi in the 60's was not something you wanted anyone to know. Even a hint or a rumor could sentence a boy to being a social pariah for the rest of his high school life.

There was a change in the gym class schedule and I was placed in the same class as Tim. He and I teamed up frequently when partners were required. Whenever there was any physical contact I had to very careful not to chub up. And the showers? I would not look in his direction until I was almost done washing. Any longer and the dreaded 'hard on in the shower' would subject me to ridicule for weeks, if not longer. From the quick glances I did manage to get, his body was toned and muscular for a guy with a slim build. He had an average package with a decent amount of pubic hair. The rest of his beautiful body was naturally smooth.

Spring came around and I invited our close group of friends to my family's summerhouse on the lake for some water skiing. I made sure I had on my bathing suit when they arrived so casually watch Tim as they all changed in my bedroom. None of the other boys held any interest so when Tim had his bathing suit on, I left the room to go get the boat ready for skiing. It was the same scenario when we were done at the end of the day.

Tim's parents had a summerhouse on Cape Cod. He invited some of us down during the summer to ski and swim in the ocean. He even invited me by myself once or twice. Once again I had worked up the nerve to hit on him but there was always some of his friends around. Would he get pissed and tell me to leave? Would his summer friends come to his aide and beat the shit out of me? The more I decided to back off, Tim and his friends would be joking around, making sexual jokes and what I interrupted as sexual innuendo. I was a nervous wreck by the time I left to go home.

Eight grade was more of the same. I would torture myself with my infatuation with Tim, as he and I became tighter friends. He started to date again so I gave it a try. Girls were okay, but my heart wasn't in it.

We graduated to high school and we all looking forward to the new experience. But one thing didn't change; my passion for Tim and my reluctance to come out to him. When I turned sixteen I turned to drinking on weekends with other guys who didn't have a date, sometimes Tim joining us. I was hoping the liquor would loosen my tongue and his pants, but hope was all I had.

Winter break was coming again and I finally told myself it was now or never. Tim and some of his friends had convinced me to take up snow skiing. We planned a three-day ski trip over break. I was going to come out to him and maybe enjoy some private time with him on the trip.

"Hey, Leo," Tim said quietly as I approached his locker. "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"You know Barry in segment three?"

"Yeah. Quiet guy, right?"

"He was. He groped another guy in the showers after gym class. He's fucking gay! Can you believe it?"

I can't. But I can. He must have been tormented until he decided he had enough and made a move. Not the best way to do it but it was done. Now he had to live with the consequences. I was not ready for that. Based on Tim's reaction, I thought better of my plan.

The next three years were highs and lows of maybe I will, maybe I shouldn't, fuck this, I'm going home and jerk off. I tried dating again but my mind was still preoccupied with Tim. He was juggling a couple of girls when the end of the year came around. He didn't want to make a choice of which one to take to senior prom so he decided not to go.

"Who are you taking to the prom?" Tim asked as he got books out of his locker.

"I'm going to skip the dance and just go to the after parties."

"Sound like a good idea. I'm thinking I'll skip the prom and just do the parties. Maybe we should go together?"

"Sure," I answered with a smile.

"You can be my date for the night," he joked.

Losing one's virginity on prom night was a thing back then. You know where my mind was going.

"I've got my parent's car so I can drive," I offered.

"Good. That way I can get good and drunk," he laughed.

Yes! Get drunk and I can take advantage of you. No, it would have to be mutual.

I went to pick him up pat his house the night of the prom. He was headed for the shower and told me to come up stairs and wait in his room. I sat on the edge of his bed waiting for him. He came out of the bathroom wearing his tighty whiteys, popular underwear back then. He flopped on his back next to me on the bed. I looked at him, his naked chest and prominent bulge in his shorts and was ready to make a move. I'd put a hand on his chest and if he didn't take a swing at me, I'd keep going. Just as I was about to make my move, he shot upright and jumped off the bed.

"It's party time, let's get moving."

How many times would I miss my chance? I was a little bummed out but his attitude brought me around and we headed out to the first party.

As the night went on and we headed from party to party, Tim did get very drunk. I paced myself so I was able to drive, long before a designated driver became a thing. We had made arrangements to sleep over with friends at the last party of the night. Tim was getting maudlin, talking about our years in high school. He was talking about missed opportunities, slurring his words and loosing his train of thought often. I mentioned I had regretted some of my decisions but that is what life was all about. Making decisions and living with the consequences. I was dancing around not showing my true feelings for him and finally worked up the nerve to tell him I wished we could have been each other's dates all year long.

There, I said it. Finally! I dared to look over at him to see his reaction. He had fallen asleep on the couch next to me and hadn't heard a word I said. I let out a sigh and put my arm around him. We sat like that until our host said he would show us to the bedroom we could use for the night. I shook him awake and helped him up the stairs, stumbling and weaving all the way. We went in the room and closed the door. Tim had perked up and spun around and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug.

"Leo, you're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I don't know if I ever told you how much you mean to me."

"I know, we're good friends."

"We're more than that."

Damn, is he going to hit on me?

"We're the best fucking friends that ever lived. We're like brothers. We're god damn boyfriends!" Tim declared.

Did he really mean boy friends, as in lets get naked and make love boyfriends?

He leaned back from the hug and kissed me on the lips.

"Let's go to bed," he slurred.

He didn't have to ask me twice. I helped him to the bed and flopped him down. He was fumbling with his buttons on his shirt without much success.

"Need a hand?" I smirked.

"Yeah, I think I do. Would you mind?

My mind was racing, my cock was hard and I was fumbling with buttons almost as much as he had been. I got his short off then undid his pants. I pulled off his shoes then grabbed the cuffs of his pants and gave one strong yank. His pants slid off, pulling his shorts with them. They he lay, naked, drunk and wanting me in bed with him. It had been six years since I first saw his face in front of the junior high school but the wait was over.

I ripped my clothes off as fast as I could, turned off the light and climbed in bed next to him. Once again the alcohol had taken its toll. I rolled over to embrace him and he was snoring, passed out asleep. I was used to disappointment by now so I rolled onto my back and went to sleep myself. If he weren't too hung over we would have the morning.

I woke up before Tim and lay there with nervous anticipation. My cock was hard, partially because of what I was looking forward to and partially because of needing a wake up piss. I couldn't wait any longer and slowly got out of bed to go find the bathroom. When I returned, Tim had woken up and got dressed. FUCK!

"Damn, I did get drunk last night. I hope I wasn't obnoxious."

"No, you were a fun drunk. You weren't the only one either."

"Shit, I don't remember anything after midnight. What time did we go to bed?"

"We turned in around 2:00. I had to help you upstairs. You don't remember anything from last night?" hoping he might recall the kiss.

"Nope. I remember talking to a couple of girls I didn't know but not much after that. Did I miss anything?"

"No, just a bunch of drunks celebrating the end of our senior year."

Nothing more was said about that night. We graduated and went our separate ways to different colleges. We would get together on semester breaks and occasionally during the summer. Those times became more and more infrequent as the years rolled on.

I found out from some friends who went to the same college as Tim that he came out during his sophomore year at college and was quite active in the gay community at school. Two years after he graduated college he succumbed to AIDS and buried in a private ceremony.

If only I had dared to say something or do something, we might have gotten together in high school and been real boyfriends. We might have attended the same college together and if he stayed faithful to me, he might still be alive today.

Several years later I developed another crush on a high school student who worked as an apprentice where I worked. I knew better than to hit on an underage boy but the day he turned eighteen, I offered him a birthday present he gladly accepted. He moved in with me and it lasted for three years until he moved across the country. I tell you that story but I can't do it on this venue.

Iomfats.org

Do I Dare Say Anything

by Jonathan Perkins

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