JKLM
by J J Janicki
Chapter 4 - LM
Warning: The following disclaimer has been partially recycled. Although at least I haven't borrowed it from a story written by another person.
No, it was my disclaimer, so if I want to use it again, then I will. I might as well, because it seems I'm suffering from a case of disclaimer block. And I'd really like to get on with the actual story.
So anyway, the following chapter contains sex play involving minor teenage boys, which I'm sure comes a surprise to almost everyone. Except for those who aren't reading this story because I've already told them not to if for any reason they weren't supposed to. So I can only assume that they are in fact not reading this and I am very glad that they aren't.
In case anyone has forgotten, though, if reading such materials is illegal due to place of residence or age or if you are offended by such material, then exit.
And I thank you.
Chapter three ended with Jedidiah (JK) meeting Lucas (LM) for the first time. But before trying to figure out exactly who is chasing who, let's get caught up with Lucas.
Starting with that stupid purity pledge.
Lucas wasn't one to give up easily. "Well, there's nothing wrong with it, you know."
Steve sighed. "It's committing adultery. You're lusting in your mind."
"Lusting after who? A girl? I wasn't either! I never once-"
Steve cut him off. "Well, if you're doing it for your own personal pleasure, then it's even worse."
"Huh? So... if you enjoy doing something, it's wrong? What, am I supposed to stop playing the violin? I enjoy it, don't I? And you enjoy cheating at basketball. So why don't you stop playing?"
"You know what I'm talking about. And I'm not cheating, either. You're just not any good, that's all."
"You're fouling."
"I am not. I'm just hand checking."
"Let's just play something else. But what I want to know is, why is wanking wrong? I'm not hurting anybody, am I?"
"It's just wrong, that's all. So let's talk about something else, okay? You want to go inside and watch TV for awhile?"
"Yeah, I guess. Long as you promise not to enjoy doing it."
"Oh, shut up. Come on, it's almost time for Rockford."
He was still trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind... and all that other stuff. He still told corny jokes. He still wasn't shy when it came to changing his clothes, and they were still best friends.
So it could have been worse, but he'd wanted so much to show him about wanking, he'd looked forward to that ever since Tal first showed him how, and now... well, it just sucked, that's all. It really sucked. It was okay doing it by himself, but it was so much more fun doing it with someone else. That past summer, when he did it at night, lots of times he'd be picturing Tal. Knowing they'd be at it again the very next day made it special.
He didn't put all the pieces together at once, at first it was just wondering about that curious concept of "committing adultery in his mind". There was no danger of him doing it with a girl, so he seemed safe enough in that regard. He'd never felt any guilt about what went on over at Tal's, but it did occur to him that a large part of what made it so special was the fact that it had to be kept secret. It was something no one else could know about. Same thing with Steve, when they played strip poker and slept naked, that was something that had to be between the two of them.
He'd never thought about being gay, he hardly knew anything about it, but even so, it seemed like he'd known all along that he couldn't come right out and say he liked seeing Steve or Tal naked, he couldn't say anything about liking the feeling when him and Tal were on top of each other, when they were touching each other in their private places - places you would never let a stranger touch, because he'd been warned about that...
Oh boy.
No, wait. Those strangers, the ones who molested boys, well, they were gay. Definitely. You could be using the bathroom at Wal-Mart - just about anywhere, really - and if you were by yourself, well, they'd come in and want to touch your peter or something. But he knew he wasn't like that - shit, there was a bigger chance of him breaking into somebody's house, and he'd never thought about doing anything even close to that, so okay, there was nothing to worry about.
Except you would never come right out and say you liked seeing any boy naked. Best friend or not. You couldn't say anything about wanting to touch or wanting to be touched, you just didn't do that. So maybe in a way...
Well, he didn't care. Because it didn't feel wrong. Deep down inside, it didn't. So he just didn't care.
At least not very much.
About a week after finding out about Steve's purity pledge, Lucas caught leukemia. It just came to him one night. He wasn't sure how much longer he had, maybe he could look it up, but he probably wouldn't know for sure until after he went to see the doctor the following week for his annual check-up. That's when it would be confirmed. But he was almost positive he had it.
When he was eight, he was in bed with the flu, but for a while he was thinking what he really had was tuberculosis. Either that, or triple pneumonia, but either way, his mom would have to come back so she could be with him. Then when he was ten, he thought he'd come down with typhoid fever. He was way behind on his science fair project at the time. These episodes didn't occur often, but whenever they did he was always brave about it. And he was certainly going to be brave about his leukemia. Steve would come in to see him, and he'd smile weakly and tell him not to worry - he'd be all right - probably - well, at least there was a chance, but, "You know what I'd really like to do? Just once more? I'd sort of like to cuddle, that's all. I don't know - it just makes me feel a little better."
And he guessed if he had leukemia - and it sure looked that way - maybe not long afterwards he could mention something else. Because he'd already tried it, and it seemed to work pretty good. He'd start wanking and for awhile, he'd forget about how sick he was.
He almost told Steve the next day: He was too tired to play basketball any more, it seemed like he was tired all the time, he wasn't sure what was wrong, but it looked like it might be leukemia, but... well, maybe he'd wait until after they finished playing. Right after Steve got out of the shower, about the time he was finished drying off and just before he could get some clothes on, that's when he'd tell him. Purity pledge or no purity pledge, he wasn't one bit shy. And it looked like he was getting a little bigger down there too. Wrestling would be fun. Except for having leukemia.
So he was still trying to figure all that out when Steve came bouncing back into his room. In more than ways than one, he was bouncing. Cheerfully he went, "Getting bigger, ain't it?"
"It don't look any bigger to me," said Lucas hopefully. At that moment he could think of at least two possibilities. One was that Steve would jump on him and start wrestling. It had happened the year before, only nothing came of it then. Or maybe he would say, "Oh yeah? You want me to measure it for you?" And then of course that could lead to, "You're measuring it from the wrong place, doofus. Shoot,I'll measure it myself, 'cause I don't think it is."
As it turned out though, all Steve said was, "Well, it is. It's definitely on its way," and then he started putting some clean socks on. "See?" and then he jumped. Really nice bounce, even if there wasn't the slightest hint of an impending boner. Then he put on a tee shirt, so whether he meant to or not, he was sending out some mixed signals. Especially when he did his version of a pirouette and wondered if he should just stay like that for a little while.
Tee shirt, socks and that's all. "I dare ya," said Lucas.
"I better not." Shit!
But walking home that afternoon, Lucas had to think maybe there was hope. So number one, he guessed he didn't have leukemia after all. It was another false alarm, just like the time he thought he had typhoid. He got over that right after it dawned on him that he was actually going to finish his project on time. Mostly because his dad ending up helping him out on it, but still, when that last planet went into place, all at once he didn't feel sick at all. He'd been healed!
But he really did think he had it. Leukemia, I mean. He was almost sure of it.
Lucas remained hopeful and continued to plot for the next two weeks. And on more than one occasion, it seemed as though Steve might be reconsidering, but then came another youth revival. Lucas had a bad feeling about that almost from the start. The evangelist was cool. Or at least he tried to act that way, and honestly, at times he was funny. The props he used as illustrations grabbed the audience's attention. When he ripped a phone directory in half with his bare hands, that was interesting. Even if he was wondering what the point was supposed to be.
The point was: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Lucas leaned over and whispered to Steve, "Yeah, well, I betcha you could do it on steroids, too" but instead of giggling quietly, Steve shushed him. Lucas was getting worried, it seemed as though Steve was under conviction again. Over somebody ripping a phone book in half? Alexander Kurlovitch could probably rip three or four Manhattan phone books in half at the same time, only he's a Communist!
(The Seoul Olympics were underway at that time, and in fact, out of the ten weight classes in weight lifting, nine of the gold medalists were from Iron Curtain countries. And the featherweight was from Turkey, so Lucas figured the odds on him being a Southern Baptist were pretty slim as well.)
For the first time in his life, even if he mostly kept it to himself, he was questioning things. Although admittedly, his search for truth wasn't all that rigorous at first. The only reason he was bothering at all was simply that he wanted to wank off with his best friend, which is a good reason, but...
Well, you have to start someplace, even if it proves to be a false start.
It was, because sure enough, Steve went up front and rededicated his life again that night. Again! And then the next night, he talked Lucas into going up front as well.
He went because he loved Steve. And because Steve loved him. He said so. But it was never going to work. Well, a blinding flash of light might've been helpful, and it's not that he didn't try that night, but the problem was there was one part of himself that he couldn't surrender. The subject of wanking was never brought up, but even so, he guessed he could give that up. So that's certainly giving up a lot, but what he couldn't give up was loving Steve. He had the impression that he might have to, that the only love possible from then on would be a spiritual one, and it wasn't possible. He didn't see how he could ever stop hoping for something else.
But for more than two months after that he was almost saintly. He tried. And he also tried very hard not to think about certain things, but then one afternoon at the library, Dr. Jack Verboten launched a sneak attack. I'm sure he didn't mean to cast any seeds of doubt in his book on growing up, because after all, he was battling to preserve the traditional American family, so he certainly had no sympathy for the gay agenda, but... when Lucas reached the chapter dealing with masturbation, he discovered Dr. Jack thought it was normal for all adolescent boys to do it and not only that, he didn't think it was a big issue with God at all.
Yes!!
Well, okay. He reached that chapter first because he looked it up in the index, and undoubtedly he read a great deal out of context. But he didn't read any further that afternoon, because after all, he hadn't given in for quite some time. Two months! Wasted!
Even if it didn't take long, it might have been his best solitary wank ever, right there in the public library. Well, in the men's room, with the stall door latched. But the whole time he was thinking about Steve. "Hey, Steve. Have I ever got news for you! It's okay to do it. Dr. Verboten said it was! He said God didn't care if we did or not! So let's do it, okay? Right now! Okay?"
Only, darn it all, Steve wasn't impressed with Dr. Jack's seal of approval, because he wasn't even a Baptist.
"Well, yeah, but you've heard of him, right? I mean, he's got his own TV program and he's memorized the entire Bible and... well, come on! I mean, you don't think just Baptists are right, do you? I mean, you got some good Methodists and Lutherans and... well, who knows what all, but really, it's normal, okay?"
"Well, maybe it is for you, but I don't think it is for me. Honest, Lucas, I just don't. I want you to be my friend almost more than anything in the world, but... well, I don't know... I just don't feel right about it, okay?"
Lucas sighed. "Darn it... Well, okay. 'Cause you're my friend. Best friend. And I want it to stay that way. More than anything."
But he hadn't given up. In fact, he was standing there trying to think of something else to say when Steve went, "So you're still spending the night, right? 'Cause we gotta pull the Heels through, remember? Like you could really forget. But I'm not kidding you, tonight is huge! I'm already getting nervous. Are you?"
Carolina did win that night. It was tight for awhile, but in the end they were high-fiving each other, sure that without them yelling at the TV, UNC might have lost. Probably not, but you never can be sure about it. When he first moved to Charlotte, he hardly followed sports at all. But Steve was into it big time, and he lived and breathed Carolina basketball. So from then on, Lucas bled Carolina blue as well, there was never any question.
He couldn't not love Steve. But you know what they say, if you love someone, then you have to let that person live his life the way he wants to. If he thinks it's wrong to step on cracks in the sidewalk, then you avoid doing it as well, just out of respect for his beliefs, no matter how illogical they might seem.
Although you might at least cast a few seeds of doubt whenever you see a good opportunity. As long as you're subtle about it, that's okay.
So Lucas tried to be subtle for close to nine months. He simply waited, taking what pleasure he could out of them being best friends, out of Steve still not being all that modest when changing clothes, he just waited. Patiently. And sometimes not so patiently, but he still tried to be subtle.
But then, puberty often isn't the least bit subtle.
Lucas wasn't to experience most of the physical changes of puberty until he was past fifteen. In the most important area, it seemed like he wasn't making much progress at all. Well, maybe it isn't the most important thing, but it's at least close, and until fifteen it had only grown a little. It definitely wasn't from lack of exercising it, though.
And aside from that, he remained fairly small. At fourteen he was 4'-11'' and weighed 85 pounds. By fifteen, 5'-1'' and 96, then at sixteen, 5'- 4'' and all the way up to 100 pounds. So that might explain why he often thought it was best not to be overly confrontational when it came to differences of opinion: no, he needed to be subtle. It was just his nature, so it carried over to his relationship with Steve, even if he was never worried about him getting mad and beating him up.
But if the physical changes were slow, the emotional changes came very fast. And of course for adolescents those changes often come in the form of outright rebellion. Even if at first you keep your thoughts mostly to yourself, they're still rebellious, and eventually you're going to start acting on them.
Eventually he even accepted that he was gay. He'd already started wondering a little, that much has already been mentioned. It was more than knowing he liked seeing Steve and Tal naked, in wanting the physical contact. He'd been reading up on it, and he wasn't limiting himself to the works of Dr. Verboten. So he knew about the curiosity kids at his age felt, and he'd read that a certain amount of experimentation wasn't unusual. Tal was a perfect example. But the thing was, he was almost certain there was never going to be a time when he'd be interested in the opposite sex. He could be friends with them, but it would never go any further than that.
Thing was, though, Dr. Verboten solidified things for him. Partly it came from a spirit of rebellion, but at first he was still trying to come up with some good arguments to throw at Steve. A good Scriptural reference proving that God didn't care if you wanked or not. Only once he started reading further it became apparent that Dr. Jack wasn't going to be much help, not if he was adamantly opposed to all instances of mutual masturbation. Whether with the opposite sex or not, that was out. And so it wasn't much longer until he was wondering if he even meant what he said about doing it by yourself, because he mentioned how you weren't supposed to fantasize while you were at it. That sort of defeats the purpose of doing it in the first place.
But, oh well, he guessed he might see what else he had to say about growing up, and that's when he got to the part about how all boys at that age were going to be curious. They were at a very impressionable age. They often would be tempted to enter into sexual experimentation with other boys. Yes! This might be just what I'm looking for! Let's get some Scripture on this!
Only, Dr. Verboten did nothing of the sort. Nope, sexual experimentation was to be nipped in the bud. Darn. It could lead to homosexuality. Well, like I care.
That was it. The first time he'd even thought it. He didn't care if he was a homosexual or not. If the doctor was against it, then he was for it. So there.
And it just kept getting better. (Or from the doctor's viewpoint, worse.) In his book, he reprinted part of a letter sent to him by a rebellious thirteen-year-old boy. Kid said he liked to wiggle in front of a mirror so his genitals would bounce up and down. Sounded like Steve. And Lucas had jumped up and down in front of his mirror a few times himself. It was cool, 'cause pretty soon he'd start getting stiff. He liked thinking about Steve bouncing his around until it got hard. He'd never managed to get himself off doing that - jumping up and down - but once it started getting bigger, maybe it would work.
Oh, and the rebellious child also mentioned in his letter that he'd tried more than once to suck his own penis.
So that's when Lucas decided he wanted to be a gymnast.
Nothing came of it, though, because he didn't have enough time left over after school and his music and hanging out with Steve to do much with it. And besides, he never quite figured out how he was going to ask about how long it took to become a good contortionist.
Yoga seemed like another possibility for awhile, but then he read the part about emptying all the thoughts from his head, and he knew it wasn't possible. He had no inner-stillness whatsover. Not even a smidgen.
So he just thought about it. Fantasized about it. Even after he gave up on ever being able to do himself, he kept wondering what it would be like to do someone else. The idea of having it done to him was still of some interest, but most of his fantasies seemed to involve his doing it to Steve. Or maybe he'd do it to Tal. If he was still available. He wouldn't come right out with it at first, obviously he'd have to sort of feel him out - no pun really intended - and when he got right down to it, he couldn't imagine how he'd ever bring the subject up, but still, he just wondered what it would be like.
He wasn't about to come out, though. He couldn't see himself ever doing that. Michael was the only person he knew who had and he didn't until after he'd already been outed. Michael Rose, the weird eight-grader who'd told him his performance in last year's talent show had almost been almost orgasmic. That one.
Lucas still thought he was a nice guy: in fact, he considered him a friend. Strange at times, but cool. So in late March when Michael first brought up the possibility of their playing together in that year's talent show, Lucas thought it was a great idea. Shit, they'd kill everybody. They were going to cover Pink Floyd's "On The Turning Away". Lucas would start out on keyboard for the first 3 ½ minutes with Michael on violin (they'd use a recorded drum track throughout), then they'd both finish on violin. Michael had an electric, and within a few weeks, after agreeing to have his allowance cut in half until it was paid for, Lucas had managed to talk his father into buying him one, too. Practicing a couple of times a week, by May they were sounding great. In fact, because they were sure they'd be called on for an encore, they had that down as well. Al Stewart's "Palace of Versailles." Only now they weren't decided on which would be the encore. They'd gone through many different possibilities, some classical, and some not, but those two seemed to be the best.
In spite of his purity pledge, he liked Steve as much as ever. There were several boys in his class he was tight with. But he liked Michael a lot. He liked talking to him. He could talk about things he couldn't discuss with Steve. Like religion, for instance. Religion was the opiate of the masses. Right. By then Lucas' rebellious thoughts had progressed to the point of rejecting religion entirely. He might not've rejected it if not for their stance on wanking, but he was reading all sorts of books. He was an atheist for about a month, then he settled on just agnostic. Michael said that was a cop-out, so they argued about it. They argued about lots of things, even it all they ever amounted to were glorified bull sessions. But it was really cool.
Only, then the rumors started. It had nothing to do with Lucas, he couldn't recall sex ever being mentioned, but it turned out Michael had the hots for a jock named Trevor Davis. But the feeling didn't turn out to be mutual and in no time flat it was all over the school. And once a rumor like that starts, there's not much you can do about it.
So Michael just confirmed it. Two days later, he came to school wearing a tee shirt that said, "To Thine Own Self Be True" and underneath he'd printed out, "I am."
Enigmatic can be cool sometimes, even in junior high, but when Amber Brugar (rhymes with booger) asked him what that was supposed to mean, he told her. So shit, he might as well have announced it over the P.A. system.
"I'm gay," he said. "Some of you might be having a little difficulty with that concept, so I'll spell it out. G-a-y. Okay?"
That got around pretty fast. Michael Rose's famous last words.
Lucas almost said the hell with it, he wasn't going to get involved. How could he? If he had anything to do with Michael after that, then everybody was going to think he was gay, too. And there was no way - I mean, he just couldn't...
But then he started wondering how it would be if he were ever in that situation. Not that he thought he was ever going to out himself, but still...
Now that's just fantastic. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Right after school let out, he finally caught up with Michael walking home. He was walking pretty fast. He took a deep breath and yelled, "Hey Michael! Wait up, okay?"
It was awkward. Lucas wasn't sure what to say, he wasn't even sure where he was supposed to start. But he was still catching his breath anyway. So he just looked at him and shrugged. Tried a tentative smile. "Well, um... well, I just wanted to-"
"I'm sorry I messed things up for you, Lucas. I'm really sorry, okay?"
"You didn't mess anything up. At least not for me... I mean... Shit. I don't know what I mean... I don't guess... but, well, we're still friends, aren't we? So I just want to make sure you're okay, that's all."
"I'm okay."
"Well, you sure don't look it."
"Okay, I'm not. You sure you want to take a chance on being seen with me? I'm not very popular right now. I don't know if you've heard about it or not, but-"
"I'm sorry things didn't work out for you... well, you know, with Trevor." It was probably best not to add that he thought Trevor was an ass hole. "But anyway, I just wanted you to know that..."
Deep breath. "Well, I'm still your friend, okay? I mean, if you want me to be."
"Yeah, Lucas. I want you to. And thanks. You're pretty neat."
"I think I prefer cool just a little better."
"You sure? Amber Brugar's cool. Trevor's cool. You don't want to be like them, do you?"
Put that way, the choice was easy.
Michael's parents pulled him out of school the next day. It was probably for the best, because sooner or later some skinhead probably would have tried to kick his head in. He could have been hurt bad.
But of course that meant there would be no talent show for them. Only that was almost certainly for the best as well, because there was no way Lucas could have handled the probable repercussions. He wanted to do the right thing, and he tried, but he didn't know much about reality.
In some cases, reality isn't all that awful. It wasn't for Michael, because his parents accepted him for who he was. And besides, said Michael, he'd probably be a lot happier at a private school anyway. So for him, in the end it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.
Lucas learned a little more about reality himself, though. Word got around. As far as school was concerned, he handled it okay. When the subject came up, he just shrugged and said, "Well, shit, he never acted gay around me, so I didn't know anything about it in the first place. Not until it came out. But I mean, he was always cool around me, so I don't know, I guess it's his life, you know?" He was being evasive, of course, but there was nothing to be gained otherwise. So after a day or so, nothing more was ever said about it.
But word also got back to his father, and that's when he got his first inkling of what things could be like if ever decided to go Michael's route.
First off, his father wanted to know if Michael had ever "tried anything" with him. So he gave his father pretty much the same explanation he'd given at school, which seemed to satisfy him. But then he said, "Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, and we'll let it go at that. But Lucas, you know that you're not to see that boy again. Not ever. You can be nice to him, but that's all. Now, do we understand each other?"
"But-"
"No buts, Lucas. We're to love them as people, just as God does, but in no way am I ever going to love or accept their life style. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir. But, see, it's about the talent show. I was just thinking maybe I could go solo. Well, what I mean is, I could play with Michael's part on tape behind me, and-"
"I have to say no to that as well, son. I think it would be sending the wrong message."
Lucas would hear that term a few more times. "Sending the wrong message." It almost made his skin crawl.
That summer wasn't his most memorable, in fact, the highlight was probably going back home at the end of it. His mom hadn't remarried, but she was still living with that Roger guy. Lucas ended up staying with them for most of the summer, though, and he tried to be at least civil. But when at home, he mostly stayed in his room and either practiced or read.
Tal wasn't around that summer and he didn't meet anyone else of interest.
So there really wasn't much to say about it except that it finally ended.
Again, sometimes, puberty isn't subtle.
The first time he saw Steve after getting back he could tell something was different. Aside from the obvious, I mean. His growth spurt had started: by then he was up to 5'- 8''. This could have easily bothered Lucas, feeling left behind, but Steve was having none of it. He was like a half-grown puppy, so there was no way to feel bothered by anything for long, he simply wasn't going to allow it to happen. But there also seemed to be something else, it was like he was almost bashful at times. Then he'd catch himself and be all bravado, then he would be back to bashful. That went on the whole time Lucas was over at his house that evening. Then just as he was leaving, Steve said, "So you wanna come over tomorrow morning? Dad's got a long run, so he'll be gone before daylight, so you want to come over then? Early as you can."
Some people have well-developed gaydars, but Lucas' was never in that category. More often than not he was almost clueless, but right at that moment, he started getting stiff. Something was in the air, he was almost sure of it! So from then until the next morning he went through quite a few mood changes. Like for example, "What is going on? " to, "Oh, shit. He's probably going to tell me he's got a girlfriend now." That sort of thing. All night long.
And it was still going on the next morning while he was walking over. He'd go from "What in the shit..." to "You know what? This might be interesting," all in about ten seconds. He'd gone back to dread when he knocked on Steve's back door. Then he could hear him thundering down the stairs, and seconds later he threw the door open and said, "Well, it's about time! What kept you?"
"Nothing, I just got up, that's all. So what's the big deal, anyway?"
"Nothing much. No big deal. I haven't really been up that long myself." He was almost acting mysterious again.
And he also seemed to be stalling. So okay, dread, hope, dread, hope, dread...
"We ain't played dares in a long time, have we?" ...Hope.
"No. Why? That what you want to do now?"
"Guess so. Yeah. So who goes first, then?"
Hope hope hope... Lucas shrugged nonchalantly. Or at least, he tried. "I guess we could draw cards. Low card gets the first dare. Oh, and I know how they rank now, okay?"
Giggle. "Yeah, okay."
Déjà vu all over again. Lucas stole a quick glance over at him. Complete with a hard-on. Damn!
At first he was hoping he'd get the low card first, because he didn't know where things were headed. But now he thought differently. He could be clueless at times, but he wasn't that clueless.
And he drew a... king. Yes!
Steve grumbled something about blind luck and drew a... ten. Then he shrugged. "Just remember you're going to have to take a dare too. So what's mine?" Somehow, his threat didn't seem to be all that convincing.
In spite of everything, Lucas never was one for going out on a limb first. But after a pregnant pause he managed, "I dare you to take all your clothes off and then do ten jumping jacks."
"I was afraid of something like that." Theatrical sigh. "Well, all right then. But... Oh, never mind." And he pulled his shirt up over his head. As he was doing so, he added in a muffled tone of voice, "But just remember, you're next."
Then very shortly afterwards, he was naked. And it sure hadn't gone down any. Lucas sucked his breath in. He had hair! A fairly decent amount of it, in fact. A nice little darkish red bush. And it had grown a lot! "You're lucky," he managed.
"Yeah... Well... are you still gonna hold me to doing jumping jacks? 'Cause if you do, you might make me cum."
"Well... I..." There had been a few occasions - oh, in the neighborhood of a thousand or so, give or take - in which he'd imagined a scene sort of like that, and he'd come up with several cool, witty remarks, but when your heart is pitty-patting all over the place, words can be awfully hard to come by. "So..."
"And I've done it plenty of places, but I'm not sure about doing it on the rug."
"You broke the... purity... pledge?"
"Well, I broke mine... so... you still want me to do the jumping jacks? I was thinking about us doing something else, but..."
Lucas managed, "Oh, just jump up and down a couple of times. Do what?"
Steve studiously jumped twice. "One. Two." (Really. Studiously. He was thinking.) "Well, see, I haven't ever done it with anyone else, okay? And the thing is...I sort of got the impression last year that you wanted to do it with me. So, do you?"
"Fuck... um, sorry... Yes!"
"Hey, that's okay, I cuss too. So... want me to undress you?"
Ho-ly shit. Holy mother fucking shit!! "Yeah, I guess. But just so you know, mine ain't started yet, okay? Growing, I mean."
"I sort of guessed. But that's okay, I still like you."
And so he stood up and studiously started on Lucas' clothes. Up and off with his shirt. With a monotone hum, he unfastened Lucas' belt. "Damn!" he commented, "You're shaking like a leaf!"
"Well... I just wasn't expecting anything like this to... happen, is all. You really haven't ever done it with anybody else?"
"Uh uh. I was saving it."
"Gee" said Lucas, "So I guess..."
Then his pants were being pulled down. Then he took a deep breath and calmed down a little. Not a whole lot, but at least a little.
It was never routine. Feeling like you're almost in heaven rules that out of the equation. They were good at thinking up games. For example, one of their favorites had one of them being caught wanking by the other. So Lucas (playing the role of Steve's father) would walk into Steve's room, and there he'd be. Naked as a jay bird and playing with himself!
"What do you think you're doing?" Lucas would thunder. (To truly thunder, a deep baritone voice is needed, high-pitched at best sounds like Barney Fife), but at any rate...
Steve would jump about a foot and say, "Dad!" Or another time it was, "Nothing." Or, "What does it look like?"
But right now, let's go with, "Dad!! It's not what you think!"
"Oh? Well then, would you mind giving me your version?"
"Umm... Well, let me think... um..."
"Young man, you and I are going to pay a visit to the bathroom!" Lucas would say sternly. Well, at least every once in awhile he managed to sound stern - or angry - or something, but often it was hard to keep a straight face. But improvising was fun too.
So he would march Steve to the bathroom, make him get into the tub and then he'd say grimly, "So you think playing with yourself is fun, do you? Well, son, I'm just about to show you what that can lead to." And then he would.
Being made to ride piggy-back to the bathroom was fun. Being chased around the house was okay. Especially when one caught the other and the wrestling started. But not the best idea in the world was the time Steve just grabbed hold of Lucas' dick and yanked him straight up off the bed. GASP - "Steve! Let... go... before you... pull the mother fucking thing loose , damn it!"
But up until right after Christmas, it never went any further than pulling each other off. There certainly was a lot of body-to-body contact under the guise of wrestling - come to think of it, there was body-to-body contact under all sorts of guises. A couple of times, quick shy pecks on the cheeks were exchanged, and once Lucas was lying on top of Steve and they tried rubbing their noses together - which was nice - but they only went so far. Steve sometimes said that if anybody ever saw them, they'd think for sure they were gay boys, but they weren't. They were just playing around.
Most of the time that satisfied Lucas. Most of the time he guessed he couldn't ask for anything more. And he often told himself that he shouldn't. Only, he did want more. So finally he decided he'd take a chance.
But first, he needed to find out how to go about it. Get the technique down. He needed an instructor. Somebody like Michael Rose, for instance.
He wasn't being deceitful. After Christmas when Steve got back from his grandparent's up in Ohio, he'd be glad to tell him about it. So he wasn't being... well, unfaithful, because after all, they'd never exchanged vows. Come to think of it, though, something like a vow was what he was after in the first place. But he needed to know what it was like first. Then maybe he'd have some sort of idea about what it would be like for Steve.
If he decided to go through with it, that is. Telling himself that in the end he might not was probably the clincher in that argument he had with himself.
"And of course," he reminded himself as he was walking over, "Michael might not want to have anything to do with it, anyway. But I can at least try. I mean, what do I have to lose?"
Michael was home for the holidays from that prep school he was going to. His parents both worked, and more importantly, his father was at work, so he had all day. And Michael sounded like he was glad to hear from him. He said, "Yeah, sure. Come on over. I'd love to see you." So, no worries.
Except he chickened out on it on day one.
Small wonder. It was difficult to put it into words. "So. Sounds like that school you're going to is pretty cool. But I have to ask you a question, all right? Could I suck your dick? I've never done anything like that before and I'd just like to see what it's like, is all. So if you don't mind..."
That's a difficult question to ask. And so the next day, Lucas decided he'd try to sneak up on it. First he needed to start - from some place - and then he'd circle around until he saw an opening and then...
He cleared his throat. "So, I'm just curious, is all. You still have that shirt you wore last May?"
"I wore several... Oh. You mean my famous 'To Thine Own Self Be True' shirt?"
"Yeah, that one. You still got it?"
"It's probably around somewhere, but I sure didn't take it with me to school. Great words to live by, but a bit lacking in coolness. Totally. But what brought that up?"
"Well, I was just thinking about it and... well, see... the thing is... well, I think I'm gay too, all right?"
"Oh. Damn, Lucas. I'm not sure... Well, I suppose I do know why you're telling me this. At least, I think so. And okay, I know what it was like for me, the first time I admitted it to myself. It's scary. It is, and from what I know about you, I'd say you're more alone than I was. I didn't know how my folks would react, but deep down I knew at least that they weren't going to stop loving me. Your father... he doesn't know, does he?"
"God, no. And I hope he never finds out. But see... well, the thing is, nobody knows. But-"
"Look, Lucas. You can be true to yourself without taking the risk of getting yourself killed, all right?"
"Yeah, I know that, but... well, see, I have this friend... And we mess around some. Well, a lot. But the thing is... well, I was just wondering... um, well, um... well, I... oh, damn! I-"
"Do you use protection?"
"Protection?"
"Rubbers."
"Rubbers?? It's not like we're going to get pregnant!"
So Michael tried again. One more time. Eventually. "So okay, exactly what are we talking about, then?"
"Well... I was just wondering... I just want to know what it's like to suck... somebody off." Then he looked down at the floor and started fidgeting .
After several moments of thunderstruck silence, Michael managed, "And here I was thinking... So... no. There is no way in hell anybody can segue into that, there is no possible way. No way. So... So you're... ah... propositioning me?"
Still looking down at the floor, Lucas mumbled, "Yeah, I guess so."
"Hey, Lucas, look at me, okay? If it's any consolation, when I came on to Trevor, I was just as awkward. It was awful. And I'm not going to saw the limb off out from under you, okay? But when you say you and your friend mess around, well, just how far does that go?"
"We jerk each other off."
"So if you take it beyond that, do you think your friend... You're not sure, are you? You don't know how he's going to react, right?"
"I think he'd like it."
"Oh, I'm sure he would. But you still might want to talk it over with him first, you know? Because sometimes, once it's over... well, you don't know. So just think about it, okay? Promise?"
"Well... yeah, okay." Hopefully.
"So okay. Damn. So you're asking me if... I sure hope you don't make a habit of this, because you'd be surprised how many people might take you up on... Oh fuck. Ah... have you ever been on the receiving end before?"
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"So I guess that answers that. Well, I think you'll like it. So... God. Now I'm getting turned on myself and you're not even close to being a jock. That's my type, Lucas. I go for hunks. But... well, I guess maybe we should go up to my room, okay?"
He was going to tell Michael he really didn't have to, but... well, he could at least see what it felt like. Try to get some idea of what it would feel like to Steve. And when that wet warmth first closed around his penis, he guessed Steve would like it a lot.
Honest. He tried to keep Steve in mind as much as possible. Although for awhile there... oh, boy. It was hard to concentrate.
And Michael told Lucas he didn't really have to, either. At least twice he asked him if he was really sure he wanted to. First when Lucas had it in his hand and was looking a bit doubtful. But as it turned out, that was only because it was big. Right at six inches, with decent circumference. Michael had swallowed every bit of his, even his balls a few times, but Lucas wasn't too sure he could return the favor. He sort of felt like he should, and he wanted to, but...
"You don't have to if you don't want to," said Michael. He was being as sincere about it as he could manage.
"Well I do want to," said Lucas stubbornly, "but... well, I don't think I can get all of it in."
"So don't try to. Just get as much as you can."
"Oh." Well, he still wanted to, but...
"But, honest, if you don't want to, then don't. It's a big step." He really was trying to be sincere.
Lucas thought, "Yeah, it's a big step, all right", then without giving himself anymore time to think, he took a deep fluttery breath, opened his mouth... "Huh. It's not that bad. It doesn't really taste... well, it doesn't hardly taste like anything. Or at least nothing I can think of. A slight salty... Oh boy. But it's not so bad."
At first it was hard to think of much of anything except that he actually had Michael's cock in his mouth. Well, at first it was hard to think of much beyond that he was about to do it. But, deep breath, and... it was in. He was doing it!
But at first it was hard to get much beyond that fact. It was almost like being on auto-pilot. Because at that point he almost had to be, he couldn't process it all at once. The taste, the smell, the softness, the hardness, the warmth, the twitching. Just everything. Having another boy's dick in his hand was one thing, but this was beyond anything he'd ever imagined.
And Michael's heavy breathing added a great deal to the experience as well. Although he did try to warn him. He went, "Lucas... I'm about to..."
Oops, too late.
And even though he'd already decided he was going to take it all the way - he didn't know if it was going to be awful or not, but he was determined, he'd made his mind up - in spite of all that, it came as a shock. But what the heck, he'd already tasted his precum, so him shooting off wouldn't be much different, and besides, Steve sure could shoot off, so...
The average amount of semen on ejaculation is 9 ½ ccs. (That's how the group 10cc came up with their name, by the way. So now you know.) If you think about it, this doesn't seem to be a large amount, but the first time you get that amount in your mouth, it is. Lucas would have put it somewhere in the neighborhood of ten quarts. Gallons. Well, at least a lot. On average, the contractions last seventeen seconds, and this can seem like a long time. To quote Robert Kinsey, an orgasm is: "An explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension". "Explosive". That's the keyword. Although shocking also works fairly well. He did manage to swallow some of it, he didn't have much choice, but by the time it was over - Whew! I survived! - it was clear that he needed more lessons.
Michael said not to worry about it, though, he'd just throw the sheets in the washer.
There really was a lot to learn. Starting with not scraping your partner's dick with your teeth. Just breathing correctly. How to get your stupid tongue to co-operate. All sorts of things.
So they went at it again the next day. And the day after that. And the next day. Steve would be back the day after that, so day four marked his last visit. But Lucas almost managed to go all the way down on Michael that last day. So at that point he was sure he could take all of Steve's 5 ¼ inches.
They were good friends, nothing more, nothing less. Michael wasn't quite the one Lucas was looking for, and Michael preferred hunky jocks. Although Michael did say he hoped one day he'd find one with Lucas' personality, that would be almost perfect.
But even if they were only good friends, he would never forget that week. Because it was the last time there would be no regrets.
He never felt any regret over all the things that happened before Christmas '89. That night at Steve's after the talent show, it was almost perfect. They knew almost nothing about sex, but they really loved each other. He had no regrets about Tal. And when Steve's hormones finally got the best of him, it was incredible. Those were all stories that could be set off by themselves with happy endings.
But say you start a story and for quite awhile you're thinking that this is one you'll want to read over and over, it's just that good. But then it ends badly. So even if the end reflects reality, you don't want to read that part again, and you might even have trouble with the start, because no matter how beautiful it is at first, now you know how it's going to end.
When he took it to another level with Steve, at first it was great, but in the end it turned out he'd pushed it too far.
When he finally couldn't keep it inside and he told his father he was gay, well shit, there was almost no way there was going to be a happy ending on that deal, but he just wanted to get it off his chest. He hoped his father could accept it, could still accept him, but he couldn't. He wasn't exactly kicked out, but he knew it was never going to be the same again, so going to live with his mom was probably best for both of them.
At least it seemed like it would be, but from that point on it was like a slow motion train wreck. Some days he'd figure it was finally starting to straighten out - some days were really good - but then he'd fuck it up again.
Or whoever was living with his mom at that moment would. Roger might've moved on, but his mom still needed someone. But exactly where was she looking for these people?
So of course he could blame his mom, too, but what was the point? It wasn't that she didn't love him, she just had some faults, same as he did. She was only human. His father still loved him - that's what he said - and he guessed maybe he did. Or at least he loved who he used to be.
He never stopped loving Steve, but he had to let go. Steve never really stopped loving him, either. He was pretty sure of it. Just before he left Charlotte for good, he went over to say goodbye. It was painful for both of them, but right at the end, Steve said, "You'll find it, Lucas. You'll find what you're looking for. And it might be sooner than you think. 'Cause you're a really nice guy. So don't ever give up hope, okay? One of these days it's going to happen."
At sixteen he was still hoping. One of these days, it was going to happen.
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