Singer Without a Song
By Chris James
Chapter Fourteen
The end of the school year was in sight. With only a few days remaining before finals both boys were looking forward to graduation. Alan and John had chosen to attend the University of Maryland together so they could remain close to their families. So far a Liberal Arts curriculum seemed to be a good choice. What other major did guys choose when they had no clue what to study?
They both knew that Alan would succeed if he chose to be a brain surgeon or a professional poker player. It was an unfair advantage that the Inner Eye's power granted him. He could memorize almost anything he saw and call it back up in a moments notice.
But that had worried them both. To give Alan a lower profile they carefully chose which assignments he wouldn't complete just to keep his grades reasonably normal looking. Alan was maintaining a low A average this way, good enough for a more prestigious college if he wanted.
John on the other hand was an above average student. But because his father was still unable to come to grips with having a gay son, John seemed distracted. The Liberal Arts thing was a dodge, a draft dodge to be exact. They would both have to choose a real major within the first year of study.
But there was at least joy in their lives. John's mother had followed through on her commitment by becoming involved in the outreach program for gay youth. In fact, John was very proud of the way she had accepted his new friends. Alan described her as an angel of mercy.
Introducing her to the flamboyant Miss Ta Ta, aka. William Devine, and his sister, had worried them a bit but Connie seemed to love meeting them both. John was sure that Mitch Devine was the first lesbian his mom had ever met. But they had a common cause in advancing the youth program.
It was Bill who introduced Connie to the Reverend Melvin Baker, pastor of the District Community Church. The DCC was the only Christian organization in the area with a gay youth program and they could afford to have it because of Bill's generosity.
The fact that six of the eight kids in the program were black did nothing to divert her feelings. The Army life had taught her to be color blind. And besides, she knew these were kids in conflict just like her son.
So while most mothers were involved in PTA, holding bake sales for the Little League or chaperoning school dances, Connie found herself side by side with drag queens working on raising funds for a gay community center. John worried that it might widen the gulf in her relationship with his father.
If anything, it gave Connie the ammunition she needed to put her husband in his place. She confided that the Sergeant was aware of her community work and had initially been upset. But then she told John that she had caught his father reading some of the literature the good Reverend Baker had been printing about the lives of his kids.
"Give him some more time, John. I know he misses you," Connie said.
"I'm not asking him to accept me. That would be asking too much. I just want him to understand that I have my own life to lead. If he wants to be a part of it then he'll forget the past, learn to care about bringing our family back together and realize that I have brought Alan into the family. At least our part of it."
"He will, let me work on him. I think you're being very mature and reasonable. He's the one being childish. Maybe I should paddle him," Connie laughed.
John smiled at the thought. "Only if all of us get to watch, especially Frank."
High school graduation was a big event in the Sommers house, less so for the Bateman family. But Connie came to the ceremony accompanied by Brandon and that gave John great joy. He had wondered when his brothers would realize something was wrong at home. One look told him that Brandon was very aware and not at all pleased.
Over a glass of punch in the school cafeteria Brandon put it to his little brother.
"I just had no idea, John. All those years we did those crazy things in the closet and you were gay?"
"It's not like I understood it back then. I wasn't lusting after you, Brand."
"You didn't know, Mom told me that much. When did you find out?"
"I had weird feelings when I was young. I couldn't talk about it, especially not with you or Frank. Maybe because Dad was such a straight arrow I felt guilty about it. But then I met Alan."
"I just don't know what to say," Brand replied.
"How about you still love your little brother? Can you still say that?"
"No, I'll go that one step further. I'm proud of my little brother," Brand said. "You stood up to the Old Man when I never could. You followed your heart and fell in love. At least Mom says he's a wonderful guy and that's good enough for me. Nothing has changed between us. I still love you as much as I always have, John. Well, except maybe now we don't have any secrets between us."
"Would you like to meet him?"
"Yes... yes I would," Brand said. "But first, congratulations on graduating today. I imagine the Old Man is sitting at home in that rocking chair feeling closer to death because of this. Not that I wish him any ill will, mind you, it's just so damn funny to think about."
"Thank you, Brand. You made my day."
Their hug was interrupted by the approach of a long haired blonde boy. Brand looked up and Alan caught his eye.
"You must be Brandon," Alan said.
"Yes, and congratulations to you too," Brandon said.
"Brand, this is Alan," John said as the two shook hands.
Brandon smiled. "I just want you both to know that I support what you have together. I have a few, ah, gay friends at the University. I can't say I ever understood anything about this until my little brother here came out, did I say that right?" John nodded. "But Mom has explained it to me and I want you to know I'm comfortable with it. If John is happy then I'm happy."
"So if John is unhappy then I get my ass kicked?" Alan laughed.
"And don't you forget it," Brand said, they all laughed at the joke.
Connie found the three of them laughing together and that made her day complete. If John had felt on the outs with his family Brandon had assured him that he was back in, at least with the ones that shared his love.
In the following days Alan and John began to spend time out at the monastery preparing for the Buddhist march on Washington, which was now only two weeks away. The SDS had scheduled their rally for September, after the Democratic Party Convention in August. John was trying to prepare himself to accept Alan's desire to participate in that event.
The SDS had become way too radical for him to accept them anymore as a legitimate protest group. Their confrontations were continually taking on a violent tone that he found abhorrent. Why didn't Alan with all his gifts see the potential for danger?
Then as if there wasn't enough going on, Terry Brown called and left a message on the answering machine.
"I was just wondering if you and John had some free time tomorrow. Just thought we could go out to Great Falls and climb the rocks. Call me back tonight if you want to go," Terry said. "I think Brad wants to come along too, he asks about you all the time. Well, talk to you later... bye."
Alan wasn't sure what they were getting into. "It might be fun to do something different, John. Do you think it's all right? I want you and Terry to know each other better."
"Sure, I'll go," John said. "But who is Brad?"
"Terry's little brother. Interestingly enough, he may turn out to be part of our gay community."
"Uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this," John said.
"Hell's bells, John, I'm not going to let a thirteen year old kid into my life. If he does swing that way we'll hand him off to Connie. Is that ok with you?"
"Saved by my mother," John laughed.
Alan wasn't sure he wanted to go, but he'd been dying to have a chat with Terry for a while now, maybe it was time to let that happen. They agreed to meet in Lot Four by the lock on the canal. Terry offered to bring lunch and Alan was to bring the drinks.
The drive down Falls Road gave Alan a chance to explain Terry's little brother and what he suspected about the relationship between the two Brown boys. John wasn't shocked, after all he and Brandon had explored sex together when they were growing up.
"I'm almost afraid it's more than that," Alan said. "Terry was always pretty weird about his sexual feelings and I suspect that he and Brad did an awful lot more than you did with Brandon. I think it's sad actually, Terry should have known better then to exploit his little brother."
"Well from what you've said, Brad seems like a naughty little boy anyway," John said.
"I never said he was naughty, it's just that he seems so out of control with his feelings. Maybe it doesn't matter what they did together, but it still makes me uncomfortable," Alan replied.
"It's about Tommy, isn't it?" John said. "When are you going to stop feeling guilty about that relationship? I don't think you manipulated that boy. He honestly loved you, maybe even as much as I do. Besides, you were both brand new to some pretty strong feelings, it was all about discovery."
"When did you become so wise?" Alan laughed.
"Probably from hanging around with you, lover boy," John replied.
Alan pulled into the parking lot and they found Terry and Brad waiting. John shook hands with Terry and realized the emotions they each carried were pretty strong. They hiked out along the canal towards the walk-bridge that would lead them towards the Potomac and a view of the falls.
Alan never tired of seeing the incredible rush of water through the narrow gorge. It was always such an awesome display of nature's power. But too many people were fooled into thinking they could brave the rapids. Every summer there were stories of bodies washing up on the shore downstream, he decided to keep an eye on Brad.
After several hours spent climbing in the rocks above the cascading waters they found a quiet spot to sit and have lunch. They could see across the river to the Virginia side where a group of college girls were also having a picnic. The girls waved and they waved back. Brad took it up a notch and dropped his pants to moon them. One of the girls pulled up her shirt and gave him a view of her breasts in reply.
Brad suggested he might go over there and meet the girls. The poor kid was crushed when told that there was no bridge to the other side. That exchange with the girls seemed to set the tone and they laughed about it for the rest of the afternoon. But Alan and Terry had come here to talk and so they took a hike along the canal while John and Brad climbed up in the rocks.
As they sat on the highest point above the falls Brad produced a joint and lit it up.
"You party with Terry too?" John asked.
"Shit, I have better sources for weed than he does," Brad laughed. "I know you don't approve, do you?"
"I don't need it anymore, there are better highs. What are you going into, eighth grade? If you keep smoking you'll be just another burnout before you get to high school. Why doesn't Terry try and stop you, is he afraid to?"
"Yeah, I guess so," Brad said. John was surprised when the boy stubbed out the joint and threw it off the cliff into the swirling waters below. "I know all about you and Alan so you don't have to treat me like a little kid, ok? Terry and I have had sex too. It's just that I have needs and so does he. I don't know, we both loved it."
"But he got you into something you can't fully understand. At your age you've already experienced more than you should have, how are you going to fulfill all the desires you have now?" John asked.
"Hey, we're up here all alone... do you wanna?" Brad said suggestively.
"Cut me some slack, Brad. You're not gay, just oversexed. Maybe I can teach you a few things to control that emotion. Have you ever heard of yoga?"
It was almost an hour later when they heard Alan and Terry climbing up the rocks to meet them. John laughed inwardly, maybe Alan had become worried about leaving him and the little sex machine alone together.
John looked across at Brad, who was sitting in the lotus position, his bare shoulders reddened by their day in the sun. The boy was still mumbling the chant he had been taught, his eyes closed and a look of contentment on his face.
"Hey guys," Terry called as he pulled himself up on the boulder, "What's that you're doing?"
"Meditation, it's awesome," Brad ventured, "It's like mind control."
Alan gave John a smile. He was amused at this approach to the kid's problems.
"Terry tells me he's already joined the SDS. He's going to help plan the rally this fall," Alan said, "So we've decided to go together."
"Isn't that great?" Terry said, oblivious to look of distaste on John's face. "I sure want to be there, I got hooked last year. Alan was there too but we didn't see each other in that crowd. I wish we could really give the movement a push, we need something dramatic to grab a few headlines."
"I'm sure you'll think of something," John said. "How about we head home, we've all been out in the sun too much already."
"Yeah, sure," Alan said. He knew John wasn't happy, but couldn't blame Terry's enthusiasm.
"This has been great fun, how about we do it again next weekend?" Terry suggested.
"Sorry, we'll have to wait. Next week is the Buddhist rally on the Mall, do you want to come?" Alan asked.
"Uh, I don't think that would be my kind of event," Terry said. "But we'll do something on the Fourth, right?"
"Oh, yeah, I don't want to miss that party," Alan said.
"I'll go if my Mom lets me," Brad chimed in. "Can I go, will you let me?"
John smiled, "Ask your mom first, then you can go."
"Cool beans," Brad laughed.
Terry shook his head. He didn't understand his little brother's enthusiasm, he never would.
The Buddhist delegation from the New York monastery arrived the following Thursday. Alan and John drove down to the bus station to meet them. How impressive they looked to the small crowd that had arrived to welcome them. Eleven monks in orange robes and half as many novices filed off the bus at the station on New York Avenue.
The crowd of commuters stopped to gawk at the sight as the men began piling into rented vans for the trip out to the Potomac temple. Louie had volunteered some space in his home if several of them needed a bed, but they had chosen to sleep together at the temple. Even though that meant they would sleep on the floor in the community room, they were a tight knit group.
Alan was happy to see the Rinpoche who looked tired after the long journey. Namkhai greeted them with joy and apologized for Deeban who had not made the trip.
"He is too old for such excitement and is sad to miss his star pupils," Namkhai said, "But he will be here with us in spirit."
"I shall miss seeing his face... " Alan began when a hand touch his shoulder.
He turned to find Joshua's smiling face staring down at him. John had been watching the boy stand patiently, waiting his turn for Alan's attention. Alan's face pressed gently against Josh's shoulder as they hugged.
"I have missed you," Josh said, his eyes sparkling. "I have missed you both," He said, placing a hand on John's shoulder.
Letters had passed between them on a regular basis these past several months and the news of the Josh's reunion with his brother had gladdened Alan's heart.
"I brought a surprise," Josh said, and he stood aside to reveal Paul standing behind him. Alan was amazed when the man hugged him as well.
"I have so much to thank you for," Paul said as he hugged John.
"You see, Master Alan, the Path has been found by another traveler," Namkhai said.
They made the drive north to the temple for the big dinner that Dulan had planned. John sat in the back and talked with Paul while Josh rode shotgun. There was much news to be shared and everyone was excited about the rally.
Two hundred and thirty-five people gathered on the lawn before the temple and prayed before sharing a meal. This was only a portion of the monks and nuns who had traveled to Washington for the big rally on Saturday. There were thousands scattered across the Metropolitan area, staying in temples and private homes as they arrived from across the country.
The energy of the event was building and John could see Alan was gaining strength in preparation. It was as if the mere presence of so many like minded people allowed him to draw on their energy. They sat with Namkhai and Dulan while the Rinpoche spoke with them in Tibetan. John was lost but knew Alan was focusing his powers and understood every word they said. It was just another amazing accomplishment that he had come to understand.
"It is best that the Master not be present for this event," Namkhai began, "He has not been feeling well."
"Do you think there might be any difficulty with the authorities?" Dulan asked.
"No, we have the proper permits and they view this as a religious gathering, there will be no trouble," The Rinpoche said. "But I suggest that if there is any display of force that we greet it with kindness, we shall simply sit down in the street."
Namkhai looked over at him and Alan realized that he was expected to contribute to the discussion. He knew that if he opened his mouth that the words would not come out in the Tibetan language so he cast his response into the minds of the others.
"I was hoping that we might give a display of power through our prayers," His mind spoke.
"I understand what you are asking," Namkhai's mind told him directly, "But it would certainly reveal our presence, don't you think?"
"Not if it affects the entire group," Alan thought with a smile.
"There will be cameras," Dulan said.
"They are only things and sometimes they fail to operate properly," Alan suggested with a thought.
Namkhai raised an eyebrow, "Have you learned this is possible?"
"You have seen the effects of the aura, I don't believe that cameras will be able to penetrate the wall I might build," Alan suggested.
"Then we must try what you suggest, it will focus our efforts greatly." The Rinpoche spoke aloud. Namkhai and Alan bowed to his wishes.
John asked what had been said, "Strategy, that's all," Alan replied. "They're worried the authorities might present problems with what we've planned."
"What plans?" John asked.
"It's nothing I can describe since it's never happened before. But it will be special, wait and you'll see. I will need every bit of your ability and focus to make it happen."
It was the first time Alan had shut him out and at first John felt angry. After all, he had brought Alan here to these people, why couldn't he know what was going on? But if Alan had been told not to say anything then he was only being the obedient student before his teacher. Who was he to question that loyalty?
On Saturday morning, at the auspicious hour of nine o'clock, the National Mall began to fill with the holy men and women from across the nation. Thousands came to pray that the government would stop the war. Alan and John had been up since dawn, too excited to sleep any longer.
Brad was asleep in the back seat as they drove down Sixteenth Street towards the White House. John was a bit embarrassed that the boy had latched on to him so strongly. Alan had even teased him about his new playmate but then they both looked upon it as a means of saving the boy from himself.
Their little Buddhist groupie had become serious about understanding the philosophy so quickly that John was reminded of himself at that age. It would do no harm to allow the boy to fill a void in his life and Alan had agreed.
They had to park several blocks away from the Mall and walk further downtown. The sidewalks around them were filled with supporters of the anti-war cause. The local media attention to the rally had begun to swell their ranks. Crossing over to Fourteenth Street, they came in sight of the Mall but instead of green grass all they saw were the masses of orange robes and thousands of well wishers.
"Oh wow," Brad squealed with delight, "This is awesome."
"All these people are here for the rally," John said, "It couldn't have turned out better."
"Yes," Alan said, "This will be our greatest triumph."
John didn't understand what he meant but was distracted when Brad yelled, "This is so cool, thanks for bringing me."
There were protest signs against the war scattered throughout the crowd and surrounding the small stage set up across from the Natural History Museum. No one had thought it would get this big, Alan hoped that the sound system was adequate. It was like wading through people, everyone smiling at each other with the joyful feeling of the common cause that had brought them to this place. They found the New York delegation standing beside the stage.
"Ah, the young masters have arrived, this is most exciting," The Rinpoche said. "It speaks well for the hard work we have all put forth these past several months."
"It feels great," John said, "Don't you love it when a plan comes together like this? Brad, this is the abbot of the monastery I told you about. You may call him Rinpoche. Master, may I introduce you to Brad Brown? He is just beginning to seek the wisdom of the Buddha."
Brad bowed low like John had taught him and the Rinpoche's eyes sparkled,
"Greetings, Master Brad, all are welcome on the Path to Enlightenment. I would say that you have chosen a wise teacher in Master John."
"Thank you, sir," Brad stammered. It was plain that he was in awe of the elder monk dressed in his voluminous orange robes.
Alan and Namkhai were staring out across the crowd which began to sit down in the grass before the stage. Police on foot and horseback moved up and down along the streets. John stood behind them and looked at the media trucks parked on Seventeenth Street, cameras pointed towards the stage. All the local networks had sent crews to cover the story.
"This is a most impossible task you have set for us," John heard Namkhai say.
"It's just the kind of challenge we need to make it succeed, don't you think?" Alan responded.
"This teacher is being greatly challenged by his student," Namkhai chuckled, "Why do I feel that you are testing me?"
"It is no test, the power is real. It is only a matter of faith. And look at these people. They believe... how can we do less?"
"I have much to learn from you, Master Alan," Namkhai said, "Shall we begin the program?"
They found room in front and the Rinpoche placed Brad between himself and John. The boy looked around in wonder. John smiled, he was in wonder too, wondering what was about to happen. Knowing Alan he assumed it would be big, big enough to cause quite a stir.
The sound of a bell rang out across the crowd who became silent. Several speakers intoned the wisdom of the Buddha and urged the crowd to pray for everlasting peace in our time. The monks began a chant to focus the energy of the assembled and the Mall filled with the words for divine guidance.
John knew something big was going to happen only because Alan took his hand at that point and squeezed him so hard he thought his fingers would be crushed. John in turn held Brad's hand and the Rinpoche followed their lead. Soon there was hand holding throughout the crowd. It seems that this was the moment they had chosen.
Alan, Brad and John sat amidst a sea of orange robes. Through Alan's hand John could feel the energy level rise. And then it began as he knew it would.
Suddenly the air around them became thick and from nowhere a curtain of white mist seemed to grow, surrounding the crowd on all sides. Alan smiled against the strain of maintaining this cloak of secrecy but he pushed himself to keep it in place.
John felt the surges of power pass through his hand, to Brad, the Rinpoche... and throughout the crowd. Then without warning they all began to rise. Thousands upon thousands of the faithful rose off the ground and the sound of the chant became almost deafening.
There were gasps of awe from amidst the crowd but the monks persisted, the chant continued. Namkhai and Alan, servants of the Nine, along with Deeban in far off New York and his circle of powerful Masters around the world maintained the levitation for almost a full minute.
It was a triumph of the spirit and a display of power unequaled in the history of the non-violent movement. Unfortunately, the television screens of those watching live across America went white in a haze of static noise.
Finally, a simple thought shared by the makers of this wondrous display. "It is done." And the Masters of power relaxed the levitation. The mist slowly evaporated and on the fringes of the crowd the police were seen running around, unsure of what had just transpired. Namkhai turned to smile at Alan but he had already collapsed in John's arms.
The chant continued for another fifteen minutes. The crowd was still trying to figure out what had happened. It was long enough for Alan to regain enough strength to stand. Even with John's arms around him he stumbled as he walked slowly behind the stage and sat on a chair.
"That was incredible," John said, kneeling beside him, "Did you feel... " And there he stopped, the realization of what had just transpired coming over him. "Oh, Alan, you did it, didn't you? You and Namkhai... it was unbelievable. Why didn't you tell me?"
Alan looked down at him and smiled, "I didn't know if it would work, I didn't want you to doubt me. If you had then surely it would have failed. We made it happen together."
They held each other for the longest time before going to join the celebration. Their bond had forged what was to become the biggest mystery in Washington that year. Brad was dancing around in circles with dozens of people in the crowd. The Rinpoche and several monks stood clapping along with the beat of a drum.
This was an occasion for great joy. The crowd would finally disperse to their homes, each with a different take on what had happened this day. But the message was clear, the Buddhist movement was strong, the event a great success. Stop the war.
They sat on the couch at Louie's later that evening to catch the news, it didn't matter what channel because the story was everywhere.
"The Buddhist gathering on the Mall in Washington today was marred by a technical glitch in the media coverage. For almost a full minute, a burst of electromagnetic energy caused distortion of the television coverage of this event. Technical experts are helpless to explain the failure of the camera equipment on every major network that was attempting to cover this story.
"Here at WTTG-TV, we would like to apologize to the thousands of you who tuned in to witness the latest protest of the Vietnam conflict here in Washington. At least the thousands of Buddhists and their followers who attended the rally seemed energized by the day's events. We go now to Clarence Walker who interviewed some of today's participants... "
John switched off the television.
"They did it, Louie, they blacked out the television at the moment of our greatest triumph. Alan and Namkhai used their powers to levitate the entire crowd and hid it from the world, it was awesome."
"I've always known you were capable of something special. Am I right Alan?"
They both looked down and saw that Alan was fast asleep. He'd missed the newscast about the event. He didn't need to see it anyway; Alan already knew what they had accomplished.
Louie tucked a blanket around the sleeping boy and turned to find John in tears.
"Oh, baby, what's the matter?" Louie asked.
"I love him so much it scares me," John sobbed.
Louie led him into garden and sat holding John until the tears subsided.
"You're new at this, John, I guess you have to remember that Alan has some experience at love," Louie began. "He's taken you to places in your heart and mind where nothing existed before. When we were children, life was all about ourselves and love was something we felt for our parents. But then you met Alan and he earned your love, something you both gladly gave and received in return. Suddenly everything seems so right, your world revolves around Alan and the love you share.
"But along with that came the fear that you might also lose him. Alan knows what that feels like; it devastated him for a long time. But you became his redemption, his reason to live and look what he's done with that life."
"But, Louie, he has such an awesome strength, he could have anything he wants... "
"And you wonder why he chose you? Is that what this is all about?" Louie asked.
"Yes... " John sighed.
"You just can't see it like I do," Louie smiled. "The way he looks at you when you're together, the things he says that tell me you're always close to his thoughts. I've seen the change in him. He's no longer the boy who couldn't find a reason to live. He's a man in love.
"I worried about him, you know. There was a time when we first met that I thought about calling his parents and having them put a suicide watch on him. It comes down to that for so many kids who don't have a lifeline or the will to find one. It became my fate to be that lifeline for Alan and thank God I took that responsibility seriously. I don't think he'll want to lose what he has with you, it's too precious."
"I sometimes wonder if he still has feelings for Terry, I mean it would be all right if they didn't get too close... "
"Alan can still love others, but he will never feel for them the way he loves you. I think Alan is still trying to re-write his past and that's why this thing with Terry has come back into his life. Ok, I know they are into this radical protest thing together, but that's the main attraction. I also think that Terry is a lost soul and Alan can't resist trying to help the boy."
"It scares me, they could get hurt, Louie."
"Alan doesn't like violence any more than you, kiddo. Political protest is very much an American pastime, like baseball, football and tea parties. He has to believe he can make a difference otherwise he wouldn't be involved. What you did on the Mall today only re-enforces those feelings, it was about sheer power. I think Alan has felt powerless so often that he needs these little displays to validate his life."
"Am I just a part of that display?" John asked.
"No, don't ever think that. He's really doing all this for you, in his own way he's trying to protect what he has with you."
"I feel foolish... "
"Ah, the first sign of unmitigated love, we play the fool. Nothing you ever feel, not one single emotion in your entire miserable life will ever be as strong and enduring as what you feel now. First love is the most joyous time of your life, John... try and enjoy it. And that's an order."
"I love you too, Louie... thanks," John said.
"I never knew I'd be a mother hen before I even hit forty, but you boys have certainly handed me the role on a silver platter. Let's wake sleeping beauty and send him off to bed. He'll get more rest if he doesn't flake out on my lovely couch."
It took Alan several days to recover fully from the effort his mind had used to create what was now being described as a miracle on the National Mall. By then the newspapers were full of stories and interviews about the Buddhist event and what had transpired. Generally, there was great disbelief that anything like levitation had actually occurred. Experts of all kinds were interviewed but not one Buddhist monk would talk to the media. By then they had all returned to the solitude of their monastic lives.
There was a considerable groundswell from the actual event. Some of the anti-war protesters had taken up permanent residence in Lafayette Park across from the White House. Alan felt proud of his efforts and John was hoping he might forget about the SDS rally. But he began to spend increasing amounts of time with Terry and John was left wondering what they were planning.
It was Brad who first gave him a clue that something was brewing. The boy had become more interested in the Buddhist philosophy and John encouraged that desire for knowledge. Louie's house was only three blocks off the nearest bus route and Brad could make it over from his house with little effort.
Alan and John had been up all night over at the vet hospital with Louie while a German Shepard bitch gave birth with great difficulty. Their efforts were rewarded with seven beautiful puppies but the mother had died at dawn. It was a sad occasion but they consoled themselves with cleaning the pups and mixing formula for their first feeding. It was times like this that the three of them felt like a real family, crisis management seemed to be Louie's specialty.
John had gone back to the house to shower while Alan and Louie stayed on to feed the babies. He pulled into the driveway only to find Brad perched on the front stoop.
"Hey, where you been?" The boy asked.
"At the vets," John began and told him of the night's events. "But what are you doing here so early, hell, it's only seven o'clock."
"We were going to look at birds this morning, or have you forgotten?" Brad asked.
"Oh, Brad... I'm sorry. Tell you what, let me get a few hours of sleep and we'll hit the zoo, they have a huge collection of birds in the aviary."
"Cool, you sleep, I'll watch the tube."
John had been asleep only about an hour when he felt the warmth of a body crawl into bed behind him. Arms reached around his waist and hugged him close. John smiled and went back to sleep. It was only moments later that a warm hand enfolded his cock and began to stroke.
The thought occurred to John that something was wrong. The hand was different. He rolled over to find Brad lying naked beside him.
"You woke up... " He stammered.
"What the hell are you doing?" John said. He wanted to yell at the kid but that would have been too strong a response.
"I just wanted to, you know, share something... "
"You didn't ask. Did it ever occur to you that I might not want that?" John asked.
"But Alan... "
"Alan and I are lovers, Brad. I'm committed to him, not you."
"If anything ever happens, would you be my lover? I think... I think... I'm gay," Brad stammered.
John sat up and took the kid in his arms. The boy was genuinely upset.
"Are you sure? How can you know? Have you ever been with another boy other than Terry?"
"No, just him. But I get turned on by you."
Brad couldn't know, so far it had all been mental.
"Brad, I am flattered. But think about it. We've been involved for a while now. You study Buddhism with me and we go places together. You've met Alan's gay friends and they're all nice people. Do you think that you've become gay as a result of all this? Let me tell you, it doesn't work like that."
"But I like you. Seeing you naked turns me on," Brad said.
"At your age the word sex turns you on, it's perfectly normal." John thought for a moment and then decided to dig deeper. "Your brother and I are the same age but you don't see me like that, do you?" Brad shook his head.
"I know you lost your father when you were little. Do you think that maybe I am like an older father figure in your life? Could it be that instead of a sexual interest?"
Again Brad shook his head. "I... I masturbate and think about guys, I think about you." He blushed a deep red at this point.
"Brad, are you willing to talk to someone else about this? I know some people that can help you with your thoughts."
"I don't know... I can't tell anybody but you. You're gay, you understand."
"But they're gay too. They know what it's like. Please, let me make a call, we can go see them right now."
"Ok, will you go with me?" Brad asked. He was trembling now.
"I'll be right there with you, we'll do this together."
John called his mom, although he didn't tell Brad she was his mother. It made for an awkward conversation but she agreed to see the boy at the community center office. John crawled out of bed and made Brad shower before getting dressed.
Brad giggled and said he had freaked when he first put his hand on John's cock. He was told it was rude to talk to others about the size of their equipment.
John was beginning to wonder if the boy had been bullshitting about his interest in Buddhism only to get in bed with him. Alan would have known in a second. Not that he wanted to tell Alan about this little episode. But Brad surprised him when he came downstairs after taking his shower. The boy was meditating on the porch.
"It helps me relax. And I'm sorry, John... are we still friends?"
"Mistakes teach valuable lessons, just don't repeat that one with me, ok? I'm going to introduce you to a lady who runs a program for gay youth. Maybe you'll meet some kids like yourself and be able to decide where you stand. But remember this, just because someone is gay doesn't mean they want to have sex with you. You're a handsome boy, Brad; you won't have trouble making friends."
It was several hours before Brad felt comfortable enough to open up with his feelings. The fact that three other kids at the Community Center had just told him about their experiences allowed that to happen. John left him in mom's capable hands. She would take him home after they all went to the movies. It was an activity day at the youth group.
John had only been back in bed for a few hours when he felt the covers pull back and a warm body lay down behind him.
"Alan, is that you?"
"And who else would it be?" Came the answer.
"A long story... tell you later," John mumbled, "... sleep well."
They arose at four o'clock and John told Alan what had happened that morning. As expected he didn't seem too surprised.
"It's been there all along," Alan said. "Brad has had the hots for you from the beginning. I turned him down too."
"Damn, I wish I'd known that."
"I didn't think, but yeah I should have told you. It was embarrassing."
"You'd have dozens of groupies if I allowed it," John laughed.
Alan stared at him for a moment and then a sigh escaped his lips.
"I wonder how Terry will take this?"
"Does it matter?" John asked. "Isn't it more important that Brad deserves the chance to become whatever he wants to be? Terry will just have to go punt. I'm sure not going to tell him what happened and I don't think you should either."
"I won't, believe me. I agree, it's Brad's life. He should do the telling if he wants his family to know. Look, John... I know you like the little brat, he's becoming almost a miniature you and I think that's sweet, but Terry will think you turned him gay."
"You know how ridiculous that sounds? I don't give a shit what Terry thinks... he's your friend. I know you guys are up to something with this SDS crap and all I do is worry about you. We're in a relationship here, Alan, it's got to be a two way street or it's nothing... I want to know what you're planning."
"You think I want to do something that will hurt us?" Alan tossed back.
"Everything you do affects us, can't you see that? Didn't the rally on the mall teach you that whatever gifts you have are strongest when you use them to bring people together? You and your teachers started a movement with that power. It's all over the news. This love affair you have with the SDS is counterproductive to the goals of our Buddhist brothers. Even Namkhai will tell you that."
He had said his piece. Maybe it was a bit stronger than what Alan was used to hearing. John had never wanted to run his life or tell him how to use his gifts. Alan had always sought him out when he wanted those answers, but something had changed. Alan's eyes shone with defiance but John wasn't about to get into a pissing match with him.
"Just tell me your plans, that's all I'm asking," John said.
"I'm going to destroy the Silver Spring draft board office," Alan said.
"What?" John gasped.
"Terry and I are going to break into the office and pour blood on the files to destroy them. The symbolism can't be misunderstood. It will be in all the papers. They're killing us in Vietnam."
"Oh, Alan... this is crazy, you'll get caught... they'll send you to jail," John groaned.
"No, I have it all planned out. I wasn't going to tell you until it was over."
"So I don't get a say in this, is that your reasoning? It's wrong, Alan, it's a crime and I won't go along with it. Maybe no one will get caught, but it hurts you... and it hurts us."
"What does that mean... are you calling it quits on me?" Alan said.
"I should be the one asking that question," John said. "I think you're being selfish by planning this behind my back. I love you because of who you are and what we mean to one another, but I can't love the power trip you're on with this SDS business. It looks like you're doing this just get their attention. But you'll do what you want anyway, I can't stop you."
Alan rolled out of bed and began to pull on his jeans.
"This is something I have to do, John. I'm sorry you see it as an obstacle to our relationship. I'm going home now. It will give you time to think about... us."
He pulled on his shirt and picked up his sneakers, John didn't say a word in response. Alan gave him a final glance and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
"Shit," John said to the empty room. How could he turn his back like that? He was shocked that Alan hadn't stayed to fight it out, what did that say? Was he expecting his lover to cave in? That meant he was using the relationship to win his point. That was unforgivable.
Louie came home at five-thirty and found John sitting glumly at the kitchen table.
"Hey, kiddo... why the sad face?"
"Alan and I had a fight... he took a walk," Was all John could bring himself to say.
Louie walked around behind and gave John a hug. "He'll be back," He whispered. "Alan loves you too much to stay away for long."
But Louie was wrong, days passed without a word from Alan. John worked with the animals, came home to meditate and slept. It was like his life was standing still. He knew the day would come when he would pick up the paper and read about what Alan and Terry had done. He dreaded the moment.
Louie did his best to keep John cheered up, aided by his new accomplice Brad. The boy could have been used to spy on Terry. Even used to find out about Alan and how much time the two were spending together. But John didn't ask. It wouldn't have been fair to use the kid.
Connie confirmed what Louie and John had come to accept about Brad, he was indeed a gay little puppy. John found himself watching the boy and realized that he looked on with envy. Why couldn't he have known about being gay at such an early age? How different his life might have been.
The knowledge might have empowered him, but just as likely would have scared him to death. Yes, Brad was lucky, he had a group to support him and help him understand his feelings. John had found Alan... oh, and Louie. Dear Louie, he was a true fairy godmother.
Brad began to spend considerable time with them at the house. It was occasionally aggravating but he provided a necessary distraction to put the problem with Alan out of John's mind. That was the hardest part of all this, John's love didn't fade just because Alan wasn't there to receive it. Instead he focused attention on the boy's education.
Since his little groping session, Brad had been contrite and almost bashful about sexual issues. He had apologized profusely for his actions and John had forgiven him. Still, the boy was affectionate and without Alan around John accepted his attention.
Connie arranged a meeting with Mrs. Brown one evening and Brad came out to his mother. John thought it was the bravest thing any thirteen-year-old could possibly do. He was past the point of being proud of his mother. Connie had found her true calling with the youth group. Whatever karma she carried in this life was very strong because people seem to listen to her.
After the meeting she phoned John with the news. Brad's mother was at first shocked and then afraid for her son. Connie stepped in and reminded her that the clues to her son's sexual identity had been there all along, hadn't they been noticed before? The two women analyzed Brad's behavior since he was a child and the events and signs had surely been there.
Being a single parent, Mrs. Brown had been so caught up in her role as caregiver that she hadn't done the math. Connie explained the support group, the education a boy like Brad needed and the significant role a mother needed to play. By the time she was done, the youth group had a new volunteer. All right, mom.
John started to worry about Alan and the college days that would be upon them in a few months. What would it be like to sit in class with him now? They had two classes together. At least they did when they registered last spring.
They weren't finished. John was convinced that Alan had just pushed the hold button. The attack on the draft board would happen very soon and then he would come back... if he could.
But what if they got caught? He'd go to jail and John didn't want to think of what might happen to an attractive blonde boy in prison, especially one who was gay. Of course, with the powers of his mind, Alan might do anything to resist and that is where the greatest fear lay.
If Alan lost control he might unleash something that could cause his destruction and that of those around him. John wanted to call Namkhai and tell him of these concerns but Alan would never forgive him, especially if nothing happened. This was the hard part of waiting.
It was the night before Independence Day, July third. John watched the news on television about the events for the holiday and knew that Alan was planning to strike on the Fourth. It had to be then, when all the offices were closed and people were out enjoying the fireworks. Even the police would be looking the other way. Maybe they would get away with it? He couldn't wish them well, it would be wrong to support anything that smacked of SDS tactics... but he hoped.
For Alan the plan was fairly simple. He had visited the draft board office and discovered that it would be possible to slip open the window in the men's room quite easily. He and Terry would climb in this way and have at least ten minutes before the alarm system would bring a response from the local police.
It was time enough to pry open the file cabinets and destroy as many records as possible. They would carry along as much animal blood as they could slowly accumulate from the local butcher shops. He figured that by scattering blood on everything the media would gobble up the story and it would make the national news. The attack on the Selective Service would give a whole new meaning to the words Independence Day.
Alan had brooded about the way things had gone wrong with John. Love was a roller coaster ride and this was just one of the down times. The relationship wasn't over. He knew that much. It was his strength to know how others felt. He just needed elbow room to pull off this raid, not even love was going to get in his way.
Just thinking of how radical this attack would be labeled excited Alan. The SDS would jump for joy. Screw the establishment, all of those bastards who wanted to send him and his friends to fight an immoral war. By then Terry had collected almost four gallons of blood in two gasoline cans. They would make quite a splash in the headlines.
Alan had spent several nights in a row sitting in his car with Terry at the Hot Shoppes drive-in across from Blair Park. They had watched the regular police patrols up and down Georgia Avenue and noted how often the cars circled the parking lot of the draft board office across the street.
Terry had found them a quiet place to stash the car. The back street was across the railroad tracks in Takoma Park. It was ideal for their needs. They could come and go unseen through the trees alongside the tracks.
Alan was aware that Terry was becoming more nervous as they sat and watched the park. It didn't matter that this was going to be easy. He would have done this alone except that he needed Terry to find the blood. And because their time inside the building was short it helped to have a second pair of hands.
The sky had finally darkened at around eight-thirty as they pulled into the deep shadow of the trees on the quiet street near the tracks.
"I'm about to piss in my pants," Terry said, "I just want you to know this scares me."
"It's good to be scared, it'll keep your senses alert," Alan replied. "The patrol will go through the lot in about five minutes. Then we make our move."
He looked over at the terrified boy. Terry gave a sigh and a smile came to his lips.
"This is going to cause some major shit, isn't it?"
"Oh yeah, it'll be all over the papers and on the news tomorrow night."
Terry put his hand on Alan's leg and squeezed.
"It's kinda nice sitting here in the dark with you. We haven't done this since... "
"I know, but try and focus on the plan, we don't have time to get goofy right now," Alan said.
Shit, the boy was getting horny on him. Life would have been so different if he and Terry had... but they hadn't. No, he still loved John. His heart hadn't changed in that regard.
Alan looked at his watch and pulled on the thin cotton gloves he had bought at the dime store.
"It's time to strike a blow for freedom," He said.
"Up the establishment," Terry replied.
The cans grew heavy by the time they reached the back of the building. They could just have easily brought along gasoline. The old wooden building would have been a pyre in short order. But the files were in fireproof cabinets and they were the real target. Alan gave Terry a boost and the window slid open quietly.
Once inside the building, Alan led Terry down the hallway and looked through the glass window into the file room. He tried the handle and found the door locked, time for a little magic. Alan focused on the glass and shattered it with his gasoline can.
They had just reached the rows of file cabinets when they heard a distant bell begin to ring outside the building.
"The alarm," Terry yelled.
"We knew that was going to happen. Get busy on the cabinets over there, I'll start here."
He took the short pry bar out of his jacket and pried on the top of the drawer. A loud snap and the drawer rolled open. He pulled open all the drawers exposing their targets.
"You start here, I'll open some more cabinets," Alan said.
Terry unscrewed the top of a can and began to pour the smelly red liquid into the top drawer. Blood soaked into the files and dripped down into the drawers below, it was going to create quite a mess. Alan popped several more locks on the row of cabinets before picking up his own can to defile the neat rows of green paper folders.
"Try not to get any on your shoes, it will leave a print," He cautioned.
They were working on the fifth cabinet when Alan heard the siren and Terry absolutely freaked.
"Oh shit, the cops... come on let's go," Terry yelled.
"You got any blood left?" Alan asked.
"A little," Terry replied.
"Let's do the desks on the way out," Alan said.
They splashed the red goo across a few desks and threw the cans in the corner. The cans were clean, no fingerprints. Each one had been purchased at a different hardware store in the next county. The job was done and Alan looked back at the mess they had made, it was so cool.
Back down the short hallway they ran, slamming through the bathroom door and towards the open window. Terry virtually dived through the opening and Alan looked out to see him sprawled in the bushes below. Alan's hands were sweating like crazy in the gloves and he couldn't get a grip on the tile wall. He panicked and removed the gloves, stuffing them in the pockets of his jeans. Now he could grasp the window and heave himself up and through the opening.
The sirens were louder now, coming at them down Georgia Avenue from the police station up Sligo Avenue. Alan shoved off from the window frame and realized as he dropped to the soft ground that he had left his fingerprints on the window. He landed with a roll and the sound of Terry's voice close by.
"Shit, they're almost here... we got to run... now."
The darkness of the trees swallowed up Terry's sprinting form as Alan glanced back up at the window. He focused on the pane of glass, willing it to shatter but nothing happened.
"Shit... shit," He yelled and then hurled himself into the trees after Terry as the police cars pulled into the parking lot out front.
They ran towards the tracks and crossed the silver rails before quickly ducking into the trees on the other side. Alan could hear Terry stop to catch his breath and almost ran into the boy.
"Awesome," Terry panted, "Fucking awesome."
"You did good, Terry," Alan said, and gave the boy a hug.
They stood in the darkness of the trees and Terry began to kiss Alan's neck and face. Alan felt the boy's hands on his body and he didn't resist. The cops were half a mile away and yet he allowed Terry to pull down his shorts and grasp his cock. Terry was on his knees as Alan leaned back against a tree.
All thoughts of his commitment to John were lost in the passion and danger of that moment. Terry groaned and Alan felt a rush as the boy's mouth worshiped him. It wasn't until later when his orgasm swept away the lust that he felt the depth of his betrayal to John. Only then did he focus his mind on the boy before him.
Suddenly he knew that Terry had been waiting for the impact of that sudden high, the rush of explosive adrenaline from their criminal act. And he had used it well. He had planned for this moment from the beginning, rehearsed all the possibilities... Alan was shocked as the thoughts from Terry's mind washed over him. The emotion was triumphant, as if Terry felt like he had made the most important conquest of his life, and worse... Alan could understand why.
Brad was the cause of all this grief. In the deepest recess of his mind, Terry was so much in love with Alan and horrified by the fact that maybe, just maybe Brad had been there too. The love Alan understood, there had been moments between them where a little feeling could have sparked a relationship.
But from Terry's point of view they had been in love and a first love was the hardest to let go. Life had brought Terry other feelings instead. He had known men who would radiate their false warmth into his heart and then use his body for their own gratification. Terry got little from that experience except bad press and the cold shoulder from his friends.
But Bradley? Could Terry really be jealous of the child and brother who had been his own first sexual experience? Alan shuddered. Freud would have had a field day running around in Terry's head.
Terry and Alan piled in the car and drove slowly down Georgia Avenue past the park. Several police cars were in the lot and flashlights could be seen moving around under the trees. It would take a while to get someone from the draft board down to open up the building. Then the damage would become news.
"Awesome," Terry repeated, as Alan drove them back up through Silver Spring.
"You can say that again, we got blood on everything," Alan laughed.
"No, I meant what we did afterwards... I've wanted that for the longest time," Terry said.
"I know, so you got it, now it's over. Just forget it ever happened."
"I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, Alan, but John has a new boyfriend."
Alan pulled over into the first side street and slammed the shift lever into park.
"That's a lie, what made you... " But even as he said it he knew Terry believed what he was saying. "Who?" Alan asked.
"My little brother," Terry said. "He told my mom the other night he's gay and that John was the friend that helped him discover himself."
Alan laid his head down on the steering wheel. How could John betray their love so easily? Had he misjudged the extent of what the separation had meant? He couldn't believe John would be the cheater, not John the Buddhist. But with Brad? How could that little boy take his place?
"If John doesn't love you anymore... maybe there's a chance for us?" Terry said hopefully.
"Trust me, Terry, you're not gay, you just like sex. It wouldn't work for us."
"After what I just did for you? Then fuck me right now and I'll prove it to you."
"Haven't you had enough fun for one night? There is just no way John has been cheating with your little brother. It's almost laughable. You don't know him if you think that. Go find yourself a girlfriend, Terry. Or a boyfriend if you think that's way to go."
Alan dropped Terry off and drove slowly home. His parents were watching television and he kissed his mother before going up to his room. He closed the door and fell on his bed face down. Why weren't there tears, why couldn't he cry about this?
It would be easy to reach out and touch John's mind, he knew the patterns of thought that wove around him so well. But he couldn't, Namkhai would know and John might feel the intrusion.
But Brad wouldn't feel a thing. The forces he was messing with would give him no clue. Terry thought he was telling the truth but maybe he didn't know the whole story. Wouldn't Louie have warned him if John strayed? Yes, Brad, he had to confront the boy and there was time enough for that.
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