I Want to Know What Love Is

by James Matthews


My name is Jensen "Puppy" Stibbings. And this has been my story. I've learned so much being me and also lost so much being me. You've seen my life in High Definition. The highs, the lows and the clear middle path I always tried to take.

For me as I conclude my story I wonder if I should have done anything differently? If I had, would the end result have been the same? We all have choices to make in life. Some choices are forced upon us, some we desire, some we choose and others we unconsciously make day in day out without even thinking.

Life is full of surprises, and each year we hope it's better than the last. I have learned that perhaps life is indeed a deck of cards, with each card representing a part of life. You can mix the deck as much as you like but the whole deck is still your life, just in a different order. The parts of your life will always happen, but the way the cards fall may determine who you meet and when, what life you have and where the good cards in the deck are. Everything is set out and determined by the choices we make. My Dad will tell you that.

As a race I have learned, we always yearn for more, for better and for extra. My life in Greenstone to the life I have now I would say is better, more and extra. But the question is, as you've followed my story, is the overall deck of cards positive. I said I was happy at Greenstone. I said I was happy to have found Max and gone live with him. Both these statements are true. But although I had better, more and extra with my new parents and brother. Was I happier? Or was I happier with less? Was I happier with no worries and just me and my best friend to worry about?

On my journey you've watched as I have faced the loss of my parents, the loss of my childhood, my battles with depression and anxiety, my suicide attempt, my attempt at finding love and my heartache of losing love. Forced into choices I did not choose, regretting the ones I did, and enjoying the ones I desired.

You've experienced the excitement as new and attractive people have come into my life, my first crush, discovering my sexuality. That feeling inside when you are with a new person you are infatuated with. You've seen the fading of that feeling that Mum said is natural, but leaves you yearning for that feeling back again. For things to be new and renewed. The first kiss, the first sexual experience, the first boy… or girl.

The first love!

We explore the oceans and the vastness of space and manage to answer some of the most complicated and difficult questions of our being. The most complicated being - What is Love? Where do we fit in? Where do I fit in? Where do you fit in? We may never know, but we live on a blanket of emotions. Some are raw like grief, jealousy, hate and lust. Some tender like Love. Though we may never understand why we like certain people and not others it's our emotions that really seem to be in control.

There is never a repeat of your first love, and I do think we spend our life grieving for it to return. It never will, because you can never repeat your first time with anything. Whatever our pleasures in life we continue to chase that first time feeling again and again in vain. The first hit, will always eternally be better than all the others that come after.

So with that and those of my thoughts and feelings I hope whoever you are, whether male, female, gay or straight, black or white, young or old, good looking, or not so… you will have at some point felt what I felt, experienced what I have. Felt the love I have, at least once. And lastly, In reading my story my hope is that you have felt connected to my experiences, maybe some, maybe all. But above all, I hope that you have hope!

Because there is life after your own Greenstone, and it may begin when you least expect it!


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