Nevermore!
by and © Henry Higgins
Chapter 20 - Hatching a Plan for Rusty
I slept wrapped in Roger's warm embrace, cuddled in his hairy nest. A boy spooned into each of our backsides - Rusty behind Roger and Kenny behind me. Could it have been any other way? My sleep was total until sometime around 3:00 a.m. when I heard Rusty begin to mumble in his sleep. Both Rog and I had been concerned about his emotional state, so I was alert for any signs of distress.
"I'm sorry, Daddy. I won't do it again. Please... no... don't, Daddy, please don't!" Rusty whimpered a little but didn't wake up. Rog stirred but didn't wake. I, however, was wide-awake and into Rusty's dream experience. I couldn't see what was happening in the boy's dream, but I felt his feelings - of guilt, shame, and stain. He felt responsible for something terribly wrong and now feared punishment for it.
I reached over Rog to caress Rusty's shoulder and help him ease back into sleep as I tried to send him comforting thoughts of compassion and forgiveness. I had no idea what I was doing or whether I was doing it right. However, it must have worked because the boy seemed to sink back into deep slumber. I thought to myself that Rog and I would have to discuss this tomorrow and make some sort of plan to help Rusty.
Meanwhile, I noticed the window brighten as a full moon came out from behind the clouds and a nearby owl started hooting. We were bathed in the silvery light spilling into the room. Kenny snored lightly as he clung to me and pressed his pelvis into my butt every now and then. Rog and I rumbled in counterpoint. And once again, Rusty slept peacefully.
The next morning the sun was full upon us as we awoke to unaccustomed brightness. Apparently, a front had come through and we would face a chill, windy day, but with abundant sunshine. I opened my eyes and focused to see Roger peering intently at me with so much love I felt naked in his sight. Well, I guess I was! So was he. He grinned and all I could do was return it in my own sloppy way.
"I've dreamed about this for so long," I whispered. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
In answer, he leaned forward to kiss me, deeply, as he had done two nights before, and I reveled in that warm, whiskery nuzzle. Not since I had loved David had I felt so completely loved and accepted for who and what I was. And the miracle was that I didn't have to feel guilty about damaging his relationship with Peter. They had already provided for that and made space for me.
We didn't stay that way for long. Soon, two teenage boys with full bladders were beginning to stir and wake. And suddenly, it was a race to see who could get into the bathroom first. Giggling, we all tried to push through the door at once and of course, got stuck. Rusty got us unstuck as he worked his way free and ran to the front of the toilet.
"Now, now, guys. There's room for all of us. We just have to adjust a little," I admonished. So Kenny scooted Rusty around so that the boys were on one side of the toilet and Rog and I on the other, and then we let our four streams descend at once into the bowl.
"Ah, now... that's much better," sighed Rog as he finished and shook. I noticed that two sets of younger eyes were riveted to his penis, but I felt curiosity more than envy in those stares. I wrapped my approval around them. I think Roger did, too.
I finished and shook off the last drops, as did Kenny. Only Rusty didn't shake. Rather, he reached for a piece of toilet paper and peeled back his foreskin to wipe away the residue of his urination. Now, three sets of eyes were focused on him.
"What?" he asked. "What'd I do?"
I smiled. "You didn't do a thing, Rusty. I think that all of us circumcised guys are just curious about how you uncut guys handle peeing."
"Oh. Well, it's not that big a deal," he said, showing his impish little grin.
"Not for you, bud; but it is for us, 'cause we don't got any foreskins left," said his bro'.
"Yeah, foreskins have always fascinated me," said Rog. "You've got a beaut there, Rusty."
For the first time that day, Rusty beamed in Roger's golden approval and acceptance. He stepped over to hug Rog and as he did so, brushed against Roger's penis.
"Keep that up, and we'll have to postpone breakfast," said Rog.
"That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" asked Rusty.
"Well, I don't know about you, bro', but I'm starving," said Kenny.
"I guess that does it, then," said Rog. "We can't have anybody on the team starving to death!"
"Yeah," said the little redhead, "I think I'm starving, too."
"What about breakfast au naturel?" I suggested.
"Great idea," they all said at once.
So we all padded naked into the kitchen to prepare our breakfast. I turned up the thermostat a few degrees on the way. Kenny and Rusty went about setting the table and pouring some juice as Roger and I set about making coffee and then preparing eggs and bacon. Kenny put some bagels into the toaster, Rusty got jam from the refrigerator, and soon we were sitting down to a royal breakfast.
"Betcha never thought you'd be sittin' around all nakey and eating breakfast with a couple of hot guys, didja, bro'?" said Kenny, as he nudged his younger companion.
Rusty was strangely subdued. "Naw, I guess not," he answered.
I glanced a Rog and immediately felt a level of concern for Rusty that had ratcheted up a notch or two from yesterday. And then I realized... Rog had our "empathic thing," too. About that time I felt Kenny tune in to us with his own concerns for Rusty.
"Look," Rusty said, "You guys don't have to worry about me like that. I mean, I'm just not worth all that worry." He looked around at us and looked like he would burst into tears at any moment.
Kenny reached over to hug the boy, but Rusty shrugged him off. "Look," he said, "I know I'm just a drag on you guys. I don't really know why you put up with me. I ruined your day yesterday... made you spend most of it in the hospital. And then... and then... Oh Lord Jesus! It was me! I killed that guy. I know he wasn't any good and he hurt me; but I killed him! Me! I'm a murderer! Why do you even want me around? I'm just a piece of shit!"
The tears rolled fast as Kenny grabbed Rusty and held him tightly. Rusty tried to shrug him off again, but Kenny wouldn't let him. I started to move around to try to add comfort to our little redhead and support to Kenny, but Rog held me back with a slight wag of his head. I could feel his restraint and figured out that it would be better to let Kenny be Rusty's main comfort right now.
Kenny held Rusty tightly against his chest and was cooing to him the way he had when Rusty had the nightmare the day before. "It's gonna be all right, bro'; it'll be all right. You're okay. I've gotcha and I'm not gonna let anything happen to ya. It's all right. Even so, Rusty's wails only grew louder and longer.
Rog got up and stepped out of the room, returning in a minute with a packet of powder. He got a glass and filled it with water, then stirred in the powder before setting it down in front of Kenny.
Kenny nodded in acknowledgement as he continued to comfort Rusty, who seemed to be crying himself out. He was at the sniffle and hiccup stage so that when Kenny offered him the water, he gladly drank it. In a few minutes, the sedative began to take effect.
"I just need some sleep," Rusty said. "I'm so tired!"
"Come on, bro'," said Kenny. "Let's get you back to bed for a while." Together, the two boys headed back to Kenny's room as I studied Roger.
"You, my friend, are just unbelievable. You always seem to have the right answer for things," I said.
"I guess it's just that empathic thing," said Roger. "When I'm alert, I'm pretty good at sensing people's needs and then confirming it with them before I act. I'm often right. Of course, I didn't need any confirmation just now about Rusty. I've been worried about him since yesterday. I could feel him taking the brunt of the blame for this whole tragic series of events."
"What can we do?" I asked. "I'm at a loss when he gets so down on himself."
"He's spent a good part of his life learning to take the blame in his family," said Roger. "I wouldn't be surprised if he blames himself for his father's imprisonment. Kids tend to be very self-centered, especially at the age when his dad raped him. So, all of a sudden, Daddy leaves home, Mom's unhappy, and he feels he's to blame. I doubt that his mother has ever been aware of that thought pattern."
"Yeah, but her bitterness at what happened is pretty obvious," I said.
"Exactly my point," said Roger. "All he has to hear is his mom being unhappy, and he's right in there blaming himself - even if he's not totally aware of it."
"How do you know all this psychological stuff - do they teach that in medical school?" I asked.
"They should, but they don't. Before I decided to go into general practice, I thought I wanted to specialize in psychiatry. So I got some basic courses in childhood and adolescent development under my belt, along with other courses in clinical psychology. Even though I didn't go the full route into psychiatry, those basic courses have turned out to be highly useful. Most gay guys I encounter are dealing with some kind of emotional baggage that they picked up in childhood or their teens."
"Yeah, I hear that!" I agreed. "So what do you see as our options right now for Rusty - given what's happening with all of us?"
"I'd like to see him get into some regular counseling," said Rog. "But I don't think it would work to get him into a 'straight-oriented' program. He's better off in a gay-oriented program for teens so that he can discover that some of the shit he's been feeling is also felt by just about every other gay kid in our culture. Peter was telling me the other day about a program for teens that the local LGBT Center sponsors that might be just the ticket for him. I think we'd have to set up an intake interview, first. And, I'm sure you're aware that if we do that, we have to involve his mother. She has legal custody of him."
"You know, somehow I think she'd go for it. I sensed a whole lot of care and love and concern for him when I met with her the other day. And like I said, I think she knows something is going on with him - she's just not sure exactly what," I said.
"I agree," said Rog. "We'll have to work on that. But you know that means working on Rusty to open up to his mom about what he's been doing with men."
"That's going to be a tough one," I observed.
"You got that one right, buddy!"
"He's got what right?" asked Kenny as he came back into the kitchen.
Rog hesitated a moment before answering Kenny. "Jim and I think that you guys could use some counseling help."
"You think we're sick?" Kenny asked in alarm.
"Not like mentally ill, Squirt. But, many of us get to points in our lives where somebody else's perspective can fill a big need and help us to make more sensible decisions in our lives. Right now, I see Rusty taking way too much responsibility for what's happened recently. Do you see that?"
"Well, yeah, like that shit he was just talking about killing that creep who attacked him yesterday."
"Exactly," said Roger. "The way I see it, Rusty may have started thinking this way back when his dad raped him when he was three. Kids that age don't have the logical power to separate what happens outside of them from what happens inside. So, Rusty could have thought that he was responsible for making his dad go to prison and his mom so unhappy. That's a big burden to carry when you're growing up."
"Yeah, I see what you mean," said Kenny. "Do you think I have the same problem?"
"No, because when your dad raped you, you were older, like already in your teens. The experience was just as bad, maybe worse, because you were older and could put more meaning to it. But, you knew that your dad raped you because he wanted to and not because of anything that you did."
"You got that right! That scumball bastard took everything he wanted to from me. The only thing I might have done is be in the wrong place at the right time and it didn't take me long to learn how to stay out of his way most of the time."
"You learned how to avoid your father because you were older and you could separate you and him in your mind. At three years old, Rusty didn't have that ability. It's like he and his dad were almost one in his mind. He couldn't separate the two of them. His dad probably reinforced this without knowing what he was doing," Rog finished.
Kenny thought for a minute. "Do you think it ever got to where it felt good to Rusty? With me, it hurt like hell at first, but then after I'd gotten used to it, it gave me the most delightful feeling. 'Course, I didn't let on to him that I liked it. I just stayed pretty silent. But after I started doing things with other men, I found one or two that made it feel so delightful I had a hard time remembering that it had ever hurt."
"From what Rusty's mom told me," I said, "It sounded like his dad split him open the first time he tried it. I imagine that's how she found out about it - the boy would have needed medical care. Moreover, you were lucky to find those guys. So many people think that anal sex is just gross and painful. But when two people have the right feeling for one another, it is just the most beautiful way to be together."
"I think I may have that feeling for Rusty," Kenny said. "But it's not all the time. Sometimes, it's like he's my little brother and I love him like a brother and want to care for him. Other times, he turns me on so bad... It's like I just can't keep my hands off him, even though I manage to because he can be so jumpy about being touched."
"That's a very good point, Kenny," Rog said. "I think counseling could help Rusty learn to recognize good touch from bad. That's a confusion from his experience with his father that he still carries with him."
"Well, how do you think counseling could help me?" Kenny asked.
"For one thing," Rog answered, "I think both of you boys could benefit by rubbing shoulders with other kids who are gay."
"You mean, it wouldn't be just me or Rusty talking to a shrink?"
"No, although you might have some one-on-one sessions with a counselor. Jim and I have been thinking about getting you guys hooked up with a teen gay group that meets at the LGBT Center. Peter knows of a guy who is a counselor there, so that it could be a little easier than if we just wandered in off the street. And of course, Jim and I would go with you guys for the first time or two just to help you get started."
"Cool," smiled Kenny.
"Another way that it may be able to help both of you is to help you learn the difference between love and sex," said Roger.
"Huh?" said Kenny.
"The short version goes like this: When boys first experience orgasm, most tend to think that's the same as the love that they learn about between their parents, or that they see in the movies and on TV, or what they may hear in sex ed class - if they're lucky. Only as they grow older do some begin to realize that sex is one thing, love another, and sex as an expression of love is the most exquisite thing of all. A lot of people never learn this; or, they never find that special someone to love. They lead their whole lives going from one fuck to the next, always wondering what's missing. Others are fortunate to discover the difference between sex and love. I think some of the things you've said about how you love Rusty suggest that you're beginning to master this concept. But I think this counseling group could also be a big help to both of you - and especially for Rusty."
"And I could, like, sorta help ease Rusty into this group," Kenny grinned.
Rog and I glanced at each other. This kid's depth and his need to nurture Rusty impressed us.
"Yeah," said Rog, "I think you could be a huge help to Rusty, as well as get some good out of it for yourself."
"I'm in," said Kenny. "I'd do anything I could to help Rusty. That's how much I love him."
"We see that, Kenny," I said. "I so hope that all of us can nourish that love."
Kenny looked at me, right through to my core. "But I love you, too, Jim. You've done so much for me in just the few days that I've known you. I don't ever want to let you go."
"And I love you as well, Kenny," I said. "I hope there's enough room in our hearts for both of those loves."
The boy brightened. "Yeah, that's awesome, Jim! Maybe there is - especially after what happened last night!"
Rog beamed as he surveyed the terrain of my body, a study that was not lost on Kenny. The boy joined in and both of them feasted on my nudity as I did on theirs. We all started to grow erect with the visual stimulation. This was the first good, clear look I'd gotten at Roger since we had entered the tub last night. I was amazed at how thick he was, even if his penis didn't look very long; but then I realized it was coming from a huge, coppery bush of pubic hair.
I had the same slight curve to my erection that I'd had in high school when Roger and I had played "hide and peek" in the showers. I wasn't nearly as thick as he was, but mine might have been a bit longer. Kenny was Mr. Straight Arrow, his penis sticking straight out from his sparse patch of light brown springy curls and ending in a most beautiful, conical glans.
"Why don't we move into the living room," I suggested. "It would be more comfortable."
Both my companions agreed and we moved onto the couch where we could all be close. I got an afghan to cover us, as we were being fairly still and might get chilly.
Roger asked, "Kenny, what do you make of what happened in the hot tub last night?"
The boy thought for a minute and then said, "I think we all have this ability to sense each other's feelings, just like Rusty and I do. I think that's why we can tune in to each other so deeply that we could all come together. I don't know about you guys, but that felt way more intense to me than when I just jack off by myself."
Roger and I agreed that it had felt similarly intense to us.
Kenny continued. "I've wondered if that's what being in love is like, where you tune in to your lover so much that you each kind of magnify what the other one feels."
"That could be, Kenny," said Roger. "But, Peter and I love each other very much and it feels great when we have sex together. Still, I don't think I'd say that we magnify each other's feeling the way it happened to the four of us last night. That seems to be something special. I wonder if it's a special gift that you and Rusty share."
"That could be," I said. "I didn't start experiencing this closeness until Rusty came into our little group. Kenny, have you guys shared this feeling since you met?"
"Um, yeah, I think so," said Kenny. "It's hard for me to tell. I don't think we had it when we first met, but then when I started noticing it, it was like it had been there all along."
"Did Rusty know about it? Did you talk about it?" asked Rog.
"I don't remember us talking about it. It was more like an understanding that grew between us," said Kenny. "When I first noticed it for sure was when Rusty was getting hassled by a bunch of dickheads after gym one day. I knew his schedule and where he'd probably be, so I asked for a restroom pass and then went over where he was, near the showers. When I showed up, those guys suddenly lost interest in doing whatever they were going to do to Rusty. I told 'em to leave him alone or they'd have to deal with me and my friends. Hah! As if I had any! But they didn't know that. They've left him alone since then."
"Remarkable," said Rog.
"Yeah," agreed Kenny. "What's more, it seemed like after that, Rusty and me didn't even hafta talk about it. We were just kinda automatically tuned into each other."
"Do you know what changed?" asked Roger.
"Um, lemme think... Oh! After that we started telling each other more secrets and stuff. That was when I told him about what my dad did to me and he told me what he remembered about what his dad did to him. I started spending the night over at his house at times after that."
"So your mutual pain formed the common bond between you," I observed.
"Yeah," Kenny grinned. "Asshole buddies - that's what we were." Rog and I chuckled along with him.
"One time when I stayed overnight, he showed me the scar where his dad tore his hole. It's all ragged and everything. He must have bled all over," the boy continued.
"Yeah, and I noticed that he's got a couple of well-developed hemorrhoids from that episode, too," Roger observed. "That's highly unusual in someone so young."
"Well it's pretty obvious that his dad didn't give a shit about him," added Kenny with a scowl. "...any more than my dad cared about me. Those fuckin scumbags just took whatever they wanted. What bastards!"
"I don't blame you for being bitter about it," said Roger.
"The word 'bitter' doesn't even start to say how much I hate that fucker. I will loathe him till the day I die," Kenny cried.
"And, from what I have heard, you have every right to," I said.
A tear began its run down Kenny's cheek. Roger reached over to wipe it away and the boy went to him and hugged him as the copper bear pulled him up onto his naked lap under the afghan. I sat there and just marveled at the raw beauty of my naked friend and my naked boy communing together so intimately.
"Kenny," said Roger, "I can feel how strong your passion is in your feelings towards your father. Are you aware of how strongly you feel right now?"
"Oh yeah!" said Kenny. "It's like I can feel it in every cell of my body."
"Okay," said Rog, "Imagine with me for a minute that Rusty is feeling that same strength of passion about the things that happened to him, only it's himself that he hates because he thought originally that he was responsible for all of it.
"Oh my god," said Kenny. "Rog, what can we do? I love him too much to have him feeling that way about himself, especially when it's not true!"
"That's exactly why we to get you guys into counseling. You need to be there for him to help him through this," said Rog.
"Well, for sure I can do that," said Kenny. "But what other kinds of problems do you think I have to deal with?"
"For starters," said Rog, "You have the same issues as every other gay kid in this fucked-up culture or ours. You must deal with an immediate sense of being so different that you think everybody would hate you if they knew you're gay."
Kenny nodded vigorously as he perched naked in Rog's lap.
Rog continued. "Then, I suspect that you may have some conflicts around your mother dying and your father continuing to live - as in, why couldn't she have lived and your father died."
Kenny stayed quiet, but I could feel that he was on full "receive" mode.
"Finally, I think it's important for both you boys to get a sense of the other boys who share your feelings and orientation. You guys are all very different individuals, but you have much in common with each other. You need to get more acquainted with that."
Kenny clung to Rog as he said, "I'll do whatever it takes to help Rusty."
"And help yourself, too," Rog added.
"Yeah, that too."
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