Nevermore!
by and © Henry Higgins
Chapter 13 - Rusty Freaks Out
"You're smiling," Rog said as I entered the kitchen. "Does that signal success?"
"In a way," I replied.
"What does that mean?"
I related the substance of my conversation with Betty Simpson. When I was through, Roger sat there looking somewhat stunned. I began to get nervous and said, "Oh, no. Don't tell me I fucked up!"
"Hardly," he said. "You handled yourself admirably. More over, she sounds like an exceptional woman, Jim. I can't think of many mothers that could have someone tell them that they're sexually interested in their son, but they won't act on it, and then believe the person and support the relationship."
"I think she knows that something isn't quite right with Rusty," I said.
"You mean that he likes to be hurt or something?"
"That, but more. I think she may suspect that Rusty is gay. She said that Rusty's dad molested him when he was three. She worries that the experience will make him gay. I told her about my experience with my uncle and that I knew that hadn't made me gay. Also, I suspect that she knows what Rusty does with men."
Rog processed this for a moment. "And so, you think it might be all right with her that her son is gay?"
"I don't know for sure, but that's the feeling I got."
"Well, that would explain why she didn't get too bent at your coming out to her. Wow, Jim! Just imagine! A parent who senses a child's homosexuality and then approves his relating to a loving gay man as a role model."
"It kinda boggles my mind," I mused.
Rog continued. "Of course, we're presuming to know some things about Betty that we really don't know as fact. Still, it's fascinating to think about."
"Think about what?" asked Kenny as he came into the kitchen to join us. "I got Rusty into bed and he's asleep now."
"I was just telling Rog about my visit with Rusty's mom," I replied. "She seems to sense that Rusty may be gay and she seems okay with it. Not only that, but she's definitely okay with me, a gay man, spending time with the two of you."
Kenny's eyes grew wide as he exclaimed, "Holy shit, Jim! You told her you're gay and she's okay with it?"
"She asked me straight out - said that Rusty has had a string of men-friends who all kind of fade away when she asks them if they're sexually interested in him. She figures their fading away means they only want sex, not to nurture Rusty, who needs a role model. I had to be straight with her. I told her that I'm gay and that, although I find you guys sexually attractive, I'm getting more out of being a mentor for you two than being a lover. She appreciated my honesty. We talked about some more things about you and Rusty before she said she had to get back to work."
"Holy shit!" was all Kenny could say.
Roger spoke up. "Kenny, I think most parents have a hunch about whether their child is straight or gay. After all, since the child's birth, they have been closer to them than just about anyone else. They've cleaned their dirty butts, potty trained them, and gotten them started in school. They've supervised their kids playing with other kids in the neighborhood and seen the way they interact. I also think that many parents try to ignore these hunches as just so much worry about the kids, or perhaps as a homophobic reaction. Deep down, though, I think they know."
Kenny was thinking intensely as he listened to Roger. "So, maybe that's why my bastard father started hitting on me when Mom died. He knew somehow!"
Roger and I exchanged a glance that went back to our understanding of Kenny as an exceptionally insightful kid. Roger continued, "Of course, there's no scientific evidence to support these ideas; but I think someday it could be proven. It's just so consistent with what I've seen in the people I've dealt with - both as a doctor and as friends."
Kenny was quiet for a bit, and then his eyebrows came together again. "Jim, you didn't tell Rusty's mom about what we do with men, did you?"
"No, I didn't," I replied. "I couldn't see how that would help things at all - for you guys or for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she suspects it, though. Try to look at it from her point of view. She's gone all the time working just to make ends meet. Her son keeps bringing nice men around for her to meet - or talks about them. How does he meet them? Could there be that many nice guys in this little corner of the world? Where does he meet them? At the movies? The mall? The diner? And then, he always seems to have money, even though she can't give him any and as far as she knows, he has no job. How does he get it? She's heard tales and read stories about men who search for boys to pay so they can have sex with them. Rusty's mom may not know for a fact that he's selling himself, but she probably wouldn't be too surprised to learn that he is."
"Oh my God!" Kenny said. "He'd die if he thought she knew."
"Your father knew, didn't he? And I'm sure that you didn't tell him!" I observed.
"I see what you mean," Kenny said.
I continued. "Maybe what's more important than whether she knows is that she still loves him even though she may have guessed what he's doing. Rog and I both know about you and we still love you guys. We both hope that you don't have to do it any more because it's so risky; but we'd still love you if you did."
Kenny swiped a tear from his cheek as he came over to sit on my lap and hug me. "Oh, Jim! I just can't believe how lucky I am - Rusty, too! If I hadn't met you yesterday, I could be dead by now. You saved my life! And we both saved Rusty's for sure!"
Rog, who had been listening to us, said, "I agree, Kenny. Both you and Rusty are very lucky kids. I'm glad you recognize this. And, Jim is even luckier to have found you two."
Kenny looked puzzled. "How's that, Rog?"
"Jim told you about what happened that sent him to prison, right?"
"Yeah."
"He came out of prison thinking, even knowing, that he'd done a horrible thing to David - possibly even killed him."
"Yeah," Kenny said, "he told me about it being his fault and that David blamed himself when he shouldn't have."
Roger continued. "Another result of that whole traumatic experience is that until now, Jim has thought that he can't have anything to do with teenage kids any more. Ever. You and Rusty have a chance to show Jim that he can indeed have a positive influence on a teenage boy without the whole thing tumbling into a sexual free-for-all. Don't misunderstand me - it is still totally Jim's responsibility to avoid any sexual contact with you guys, but you and Rusty can help him by not making it harder than it already is - that is, by not inviting him to be sexual with you."
"Oh," said Kenny. "You mean like this morning when I had my hand on his woody?"
"Exactly."
"Well, then," continued Kenny, "If I can't get off with Jim and I can't let other men do me any more, what can I do? I'm a horny kid! I've gotta get off!"
"You're quite right, Kenny. Of course, there's the obvious solution of using your hand. That's what most teenage boys do; but most teenage boys don't have the experience that you and Rusty have. You guys have experienced more than just jacking off in your activities with men. Once you've experienced that, I think it could be hard to go back to just masturbating. And, I think there's a good way to handle that problem. You and Rusty can be as sexual with each other as you want. That's a legal, age-appropriate relationship that won't get any of us in trouble."
Kenny had stayed on my lap with his arms around me and I relished his closeness. And of course, I was responding to his presence by growing hard. I wondered if he could feel it.
"Well, what about showering together, or sleeping together, or being around each other with woodies? Do we hafta stop that?" Kenny asked. He squirmed in my lap a little. He knew - he could feel my hard-on.
"I don't think so." Rog answered. All guys get woodies throughout their lives. If you know the person well, I don't think it would hurt. Hell, you could even jack off together, as long as each one of you keeps his hands to himself. That's just guys being together - very intimately together perhaps, but not as sexual as if one of you were doing something to make the other one come."
Kenny was silent and I could detect the meshing of mental gears again. "Well, what if Rusty and me want to be sexual with each other? You said that's all right."
"Yes, it is," Rog answered.
"You mean, like, we can suck and fuck?" I thought Kenny might be pushing it, but then I thought, perhaps not. Perhaps he was just trying to establish some boundaries.
Rog answered, "If you both agree to it so that one doesn't feel manipulated or cajoled, yes. I do think, however, that you need to wait a couple of weeks until we have the results of your STD tests. I'm sure neither one of you would want to give something to the other one."
"Yeah, you've got that right." Kenny said. "But jacking each other off would be okay?"
"Absolutely," answered the good doctor. "In fact, I know another way of having safe sex with each other that feels quite close to fucking."
Kenny lit up with interest. "What's that?"
"You get each other oiled up with baby oil or massage oil - something that will stay on your skin and not be absorbed too quickly. Then, you rub off on each other. You can do it with your dicks rubbing together if you're face to face. That way, you may come together or close to one another. And, you can kiss each other, if you're into that. Or, one guy at a time can rub on the other one. Like, you could rub on Rusty's belly until you come, and then you can reverse positions and he can rub on your belly. Another way to do it is for one guy to lie on his stomach. The partner mounts him from behind and rubs his penis between his partner's upper thighs. He can let it slide up into the partner's crotch, or even let it go into the guy's butt crack. Just don't poke it into his anus until you know for sure that you don't have an STD."
Kenny was entranced. "Wow, Rog! I never thought about that. It sounds so great."
"It is," Roger said. "Just be sure that you each have strong feelings for the other one. From what I've seen today, I would say that you and Rusty definitely qualify on that score."
"Oh, yeah," Kenny said. "We do!"
"Not to change the subject, but tell us how Rusty is," I said.
"Oh, yeah! That's what I came in here to tell you," Kenny said. "He's sleeping now. I gave him the two pills, like you said, Jim, and he went to sleep pretty quickly after that. Before that, I put the peroxide stuff on his nipple wounds. It fizzed a little. Then I put the ointment on his nips and his butt - just like you said. I didn't go into his ass, just put it on the outside.
"After I gave him the pills, I got into bed with him and held him close. He cried a little; so did I. I just can't stand to see anybody hurt the way he was, but especially not Rusty. And you know what? Through all of this shit, I think I love him more than as a friend. It's like we're brothers! I was wishing it had been me getting hurt, not him."
Rog and I listened intently as Kenny talked. I'd known him only for a little more than a day; yet I felt as if I'd known him forever.
"Kenny, that's beautiful," I croaked through a tight throat.
"You know, Kenny, that's quite an adult feeling you just described. I suspect Rusty could feel the same way about you. You'll have plenty of opportunity over the next few days to show him that love," Rog said.
"Well," Kenny said, "if I'm that adult, how about, can I have a beer?"
Rog and I looked at one another and dissolved into laughter. Kenny looked surprised, as if he hadn't known that he was cracking a joke. Then he started giggling, too, and we all went into another round of laughter.
When things settled down, Rog said, "Well now, young man, all things in good time! You know, Jim could get into just as much trouble for giving you alcohol as he could for having sex with you. I know - all this legal stuff sucks big time, but it's where we happen to be living right now and we can't do much about it. Just think - in two or three short years, you'll be old enough to buy your own beer. And then if you and Jim decide to have sex, or a have a beer, or both, it'll all be legal. But for now, we're stuck with our priggish culture."
I chimed in, "Of course, by then you and Rusty could be married!"
Kenny looked at me in surprise. "Geez, Jim, I've never thought about that, but you're right. By then, it could happen. Oh, just wait till I tell him this!"
"Kenny," Roger asked with a twinkle in his eye, "have you told Rusty that you love him? You might want to do that before you start discussing marriage."
"Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that, Rog. But, yeah, guys. When Rusty and me were laying in bed close together, I whispered to him that I love him. He didn't answer me, though. I guess he had gone to sleep by then."
"That could be," I said. "You'll have plenty of time to tell him again over the next few days. I suspect that him hearing that could be important to helping him heal, right Rog?"
"Absolutely!" Rog said. "More and more studies are showing the power of a close, nurturing relationship to promote healing. It sure couldn't hurt!"
Kenny grinned, but said nothing more. I figured I might know what was going on in his head just then. He was still sitting on my lap and I was still stiff as a board. I know he must have felt it, but he didn't say the first thing. I just sat there and enjoyed.
"Hey!" Kenny said. "I just realized... It's been a long time since lunch. I'm starving!"
"Yeah," said Rog, "me too!"
"How about pizza, guys? We could order in enough to save some for Rusty if he wakes up later," I said.
"Great!" said Rog, "I'll spring for it. Kenny, why don't you call in the order?"
"Well... what should I get? I mean, I don't know what you guys like."
"I like just about everything, except for all-veggies and the little fishies," I said.
"Me too," added Rog. "Just get what you and Rusty like. I'm sure that Jim and I will survive nicely."
Kenny rolled his eyes at us and headed for the phone. My lap became painfully aware of the sudden void. Oh well, feelings come and feelings go!
"You okay?" asked Rog.
"Yeah, why?"
"Kenny was sitting on your lap for a long time. If I weren't here, I'd worry about you boning up and then trying to do something about it."
I took a deep breath. "Well, Rog, I can't deny that I was boned to the max. I can't help that. It's the way I am. But, I didn't feel anywhere near losing control. I was just enjoying the nice warm feel-good."
"I'm relieved to hear that, Jim. Maybe I worry too much, but this is the closest you've been to a kid in a long time. And now you have not only one, but two very attractive boys in your care, one of whom seems to have trouble keeping his dick down. I just want to be sure you're up to it."
"Rog, I can only tell you what's in my heart. Not only do I not want to mess up, I so very much want to make a positive difference to these kids. I want to give them what I never had - and, what they've never had. I want that so much more than the sexual release. That's how much control I have. Besides, you just mentioned a way that I might be able to take care of myself sexually, like if we jack together."
Rog studied me for a long moment. "But, are you sure that you can keep it at jacking off yourself and not feel compelled to move into anything else?"
"That's how much I want this to work, Rog. I know I can learn to control both myself and my behavior with them," I said.
"I can feel that, Jim. I want to believe it's true. And, the longer you can go with these kids and no incident, the more faith I will have in you. And, you'll have that faith in yourself, too."
Kenny came bouncing back into the kitchen. "Okay, guys! Get ready for some pizza that's the bomb! We're getting anchovies, black olives, onions, peppers, artichoke hearts, tomatoes, pineapple, and no cheese!"
Rog and I stared at him. Then, he couldn't hold it any more. He cracked up laughing. "Man, you shoulda seen the looks on your faces!" he said. "That was too cool! I can't wait to tell Rusty." Then the boy dissolved into another fit of giggles.
We wound up laughing, too. "Okay, Sport, so what did you order?" I asked.
"I just told you," Kenny said.
"No," I said, "what did you really order?"
"Oh, that? Well it was sausage and pepperoni and mushrooms and onions, if you must know." Kenny pouted a little for effect.
"Very good, kiddo. You kinda had us going there for a minute," I said.
Kenny grinned with satisfaction. "Hey guys, I could make a salad."
I smiled my approval. "Go for it! You'll find the salad makings in the crisper drawer in the fridge."
Kenny began to root through the refrigerator as Rog and I continued sipping our beers. "Hey guys," he said, "if I can't have a beer then can I have a Coke?"
"You don't even have to ask about that," I said. "Anything in this house is available to you - well, almost anything! No alcohol, okay?"
"Yeah, I got that." By now, Kenny was moving lettuce and other veggies to the cutting board by the sink. "Um, Jim, where can I find a big bowl for the salad?"
"Look in the lower cupboard to the left of the sink," I answered.
"Hey, Kenny, where'd you learn to cut up vegetables so nicely?" asked Roger.
"D showed me, mostly. There were some nights last winter when I didn't have anyplace to go. So she'd let me stay in the diner, where it was warm. I'd wash up in the restroom. Then she'd let me help by doing salad preps. That way, it was like I was pulling my own weight. Sometimes I'd run the dishwasher, too."
Rog and I exchanged glances again as my appreciation for D deepened. The doorbell signaled the arrival of our pizza about the same time that we heard a scream from the guest room. We all looked at each other in alarm and then Kenny raced for the bedroom.
Rog said, "I'll take care of the pizza; you go see about the guys."
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