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You are here: Home > Story Shelf > All Authors > Hans Schreiber > Val 'n Tyne | Chapter 9 | Hans Schreiber and Flip McHooter

Val 'n Tyne

by Hans Schreiber and Flip McHooter

Chapter 9

They gathered up the fishing gear and Tyne asked what he should do about the fish. Val pulled out a large plastic bag and a knife. "Gotta clean them and then put them in here so we can get them on ice in the cooler." It struck Tyne odd that you needed to clean fish that lived in water.

Tyne pulled the chain from the lake and brought his three fish up. He took them off the clips and laid them on the grass. Tyne picked up the small trout, opened the knife Val had given him and started scraping the blade over the skin.

"What are you doing?" Val asked.

"Umm, cleaning the fish?" That made Val laugh out loud.

"When I said clean the fish, I meant you need to gut them. I'll show you how on the first one and then you'll have to do the other two. Here, hand it over." Tyne held the fish and the knife up to Val.

Val gripped the fish along its back, holding it belly side up. He poked the point of the blade into a small opening near the tail. "This is either its egg hole or its sperm hole. You can't really tell on fish until you cut them open. If they have eggs inside, their girls. The boys don't have penises. Fish don't fuck; the girls just lay their eggs on the bottom and then the boys come along behind and squirt their sperm over the eggs to fertilize them. It's like jacking off without a dick. I've always wondered if they get the good feeling when they squirt the sperm since they don't have anything to stimulate." Tyne already knew that fact about fish but he didn't let on and just acted fascinated by the information so he wouldn't look like a know-it-all.

"Wow, sucks to be a fish," Tyne mused. "I like my penis. I wouldn't wanna trade it for a sperm hole."

Val cracked up. "Yeah, I like mine too. I've always been glad I was born a guy."

"That's right; you were supposed to be Valerie, weren't you? You shocked everyone when you popped out with that big dick between your legs. It's still a shocking experience when you first see it," Tyne teased. "It was for me, at least."

"Shut up, you dork. I didn't have a big one when I was born."

"I bet you did. I bet the doctor had a hard time figuring out which one was the umbilical cord and which one was your dick. Lucky for you he guessed right or you might have been like this poor fish with just a sperm hole." Tyne started to laugh and Val tried not to but couldn't hold out.

"Dude, you better watch it, I got the knife and I might just turn YOU into an F'n fish."

"That's not possible."

"What's not possible?"

"To turn me into an F'n fish. You already told me that fish don't fuck, so I couldn't be a fucking fish, just a dickless fish with a sperm hole."

"Oh my God, now that was seriously lame. You wanna learn how to do this or you just wanna stand there and keep shooting off that sperm hole in your face?"

"Ewww. Way bad image. Okay. I'm watching."

"First, you stick the point of the blade into the little hole back here near the tail. Then you just gently slice the skin open along the belly." Val slid the sharp knife up along the belly parting the flesh. "Next, you stick the knife through this gill, across the throat and back out the gill on the other side and cut the connective tissue between them." Val set the knife down and then continued. "Now all you have to do is stick your pointer finger down the throat." Val sunk his finger into the slit gills down to the second knuckle and paused. "I can never do this part without wondering if this is what it feels like inside a vagina." Then, Val pinched down with his thumb and middle finger and pulled downward in a swift, firm motion tearing the internals from the flesh of the fish. The guts dangled from his fingers. "See, it comes out nice and clean. Now I just rinse it out in the lake a bit and put it in the bag.

"GROSS! I thought sticking the worm on the hook was gross, but this is totally disgusting."

Val chuckled. "You'll get used to it. Now remember, the tradition is that you have to eat the guts from your first fish, so open up." Val dangled them toward Tyne's face.

Tyne backed up and gagged. "No way. Get that disgusting shit away from me."

"You have to, it's the rule. Val started chasing Tyne and caught him easily since Tyne had no shoes on. Val tackled him down and sat on him. He dangled the guts over him and managed to press Tyne's cheeks between his knees. "Rules are rules." Val lowered the guts toward Tyne's mouth. Tyne shifted into defensive mode and his karate training took over. In a stunning move, Tyne wrapped his arms over Val's large thighs and pushed back on Val's stomach. At the same time, he whipped his legs up off the grass and wrapped his bare feet around Val's neck, locked his heels and jerked Val backwards off of him. Tyne rolled and squirmed away from Val, who recovered from the shock of getting thrown and started to laugh. "Nice move," Val complimented. Val let out one last yelp of laughter and tossed the guts away into the brush. "I was just messing with you bro."

Val got up and Tyne slugged him in the gut once he crawled back over to him. Val laughed and said he deserved the hit, and he had to admit, Tyne threw a pretty good punch. "I'm so getting even for that one. Just wait," Tyne said. "And after what we did to Lizzy, you know I'm capable of anything."

"Okay, now you're scaring me. I mean that. I definitely don't want YOU pissed at me. You could be that mayhem guy in those insurance commercials."

Tyne grinned and picked up his damp socks off the rock and pulled them on. Then he forced his feet into his damp shoes. "I hate cold wet things against my skin," Tyne complained.

"I know the feeling after dating Lizzy."

Tyne chuckled. "What did you see in her anyway? She was such a nasty bitch and you're so nice. At least you are when you don't have disgusting fish guts hanging from your fingers." Tyne grabbed the big trout and the knife and with a disgusted facial expression, began slicing along the belly.

"Honestly," Val answered, "Lizzy had a cute face and big tits. That was about it. But she was also easy. Not easy like slutty, but easy in that she made the moves on me and that made it easy for me. Except for all the drama, that part wasn't easy. I'm really awkward around girls for some reason."

"Why? You don't need to be. You got the whole package, looks, character, personality, wit. Well, wit might be pushing it, but at least you think you're funny." Tyne slit open the gills. "So what is it?"

"Dude, if I knew, I'd fix it. Some guys can just flirt so easy, but it's like my brain freezes up when I try and I just say stupid shit. It's the same feeling I have when I'm staring at an algebra test. It's like I don't even know where to start."

"You should just talk to them like you talk to me or to Nick. Just be yourself. You're actually a pretty awesome guy when you're being yourself." Tyne held the fish away at arm's length, stuck his tongue out as he shoved a finger down the slimy throat of the big fish and yanked the guts out then placed the big fish in the plastic bag next to his brother. "Looks like another boy. No eggs in this one either."

"No wonder," Val said with a grin.

"I hate to ask, but no wonder what?"

"No wonder you were the only one getting any bites on your worm and I didn't get any. This must be a gay lake. Like a gay bar for fish only full of guys with sperm holes and no lady fish, you know? So no wonder they only went after your worm and ignored mine."

"Oh my God, that is not even funny. A little bit clever, but definitely not funny," Tyne said. Val laughed, immensely pleased with his little joke. Tyne set the poles and bait box in the back of Val's truck and helped pull the aluminum ramps out to unload the quad. Val pushed the quad back over the end of the tailgate onto the ramps and steered the Banshee down onto the ground. "Grab the helmets, please." Val unlocked the doors using his key fob.

Tyne dropped the knife next to the sucker fish, still lying on the grass beside the chain at his feet, and walked over to Val's truck. Tyne put his two trout on ice and pulled the helmets out of the back seat and carried them over by Val. Val was looking over the quad and checking the gas level. "I'm so excited to ride this," Tyne said. "I gotta go pee first, though. Where can I set my helmet?"

"Just on the grass by the tire is fine. What about cleaning your other fish?"

"I decided not to keep the sucker fish after all. If it's really not good to eat and since I caught two others, I think I'll just toss it. Honestly, I don't want to clean it if it isn't worth it. That's so freaking disgusting." Tyne walked back over to the edge of the lake and unzipped his pants.

"Hey," Val called out, "you can't piss in the lake. That's disgusting and it's against the Leave No Trace principles."

"The what?"

"Leave No Trace. It's seven principles to govern good outdoor behavior. One of them is to dispose of your waste properly, so you should do your business at least 200 feet from lakes or streams and away from trails."

"Oh. Sorry." Tyne zipped up and walked to a stand of trees counting out his steps to estimate 200 feet. He'd just unzipped and pulled his penis free of the fly when he heard sticks snap behind him. He jerked his head around to see Val stepping up next to him.

"I gotta go too, so I thought I'd join you at the urinal." Val reached in and uncoiled his snake. He let it hang loosely over his fingers and shot a nice wide stream. Tyne twisted slightly away and switched hands to shield Val's view of his smallish dick. "You gonna piss or just stand there flashing the wildlife?"

"I can't go when someone's watching. I need privacy." Tyne shot glances at Val's large tube and checked whether Val was trying to peek at his. He couldn't tell if he was peeking or not. He also couldn't decide if he wanted him to be peeking or not.

"Ahh, nervous bladder, eh? That sucks." Val finished up and flipped his dick around a bit then milked it twice to get the last drops out, all to Tyne's fascination. Then, Val stuffed himself back into his fly, zipped and spun away.

Once he was headed off, Tyne relaxed and his stream started. It bothered him that he couldn't go with someone standing next to him, but it had always been like that even when he really needed to go badly.

Tyne was finishing up when he heard the roar of the Banshee. He twisted to see Val take off and blast down the road with a trail of dust flying up behind him. Suddenly, Val whipped the machine around and headed cross country right at Tyne. Tyne panicked slightly and tried to rush the last bit of piss to no avail. In a flash, Val was up to him and wasn't slowing down. Tyne put a hand over his dick, which was still dribbling, and turned to run. His little pecker bobbed up and down hanging out of the fly and the zipper was very uncomfortable rubbing against the sides of it. The Banshee roared behind him and he glanced over his shoulder to see a delighted Val bearing down on him. Tyne darted between two trees and Val couldn't react fast enough and had to go straight, then he circled the tree to the right in order to come after Tyne again. That gave Tyne just enough time to get his dick put away and zipped up. Then he darted left behind another tree and Val pulled up next to him and stopped.

"What the hell was that about, you freak?"

"Just messing with you. So, you ready for the second most exciting experience you can possibly have between your legs?"

"Sure, but no more messing with me, okay? That hurt my dick running from you with it rubbing on my zipper. If you were that desperate to get a look at it, you just should have asked."

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't think that would happen. Do you need me to kiss it better?" Val made a couple of exaggerated smooching sounds. "It was pretty funny watching you running around with it hanging out and trying to hide it with one hand while you ran like a scared little rabbit. Why're you so shy about your dick getting looked at?"

"No reason. I'm not shy. You're just a freak. That's all there is to it. Now I got two things to get even for. I hope you live through whatever I come up with."

"Eww, I'm scared. I don't think I'll sleep at night. Hop on and I'll take you over to your helmet and teach you how to drive this beast."

"Don't I need a helmet to ride behind you?"

"Nah, I'll go slow."

"Sure you will, like I believe that."

"No, really, I will. Get on." Tyne climbed on behind Val and Val took his hands and pulled them around his waist. "Hold on to me." Tyne felt nervous and uncomfortable having his hands wrapped around Val. The weirdness of what had just happened followed up with being wrapped around Val's hunky torso started a stirring in his loins that he really didn't want to have happen. He desperately wanted to start roaming his hands over Val's hard body, but he controlled himself. Val took off as smoothly as possible, but Tyne still tightened his grip when he did to avoid falling backwards.

Back by the truck, Tyne dismounted and put his helmet on. Val had to strap it through the metal rings for him since Tyne had never done that before. Once it was tight, Val slapped him across the top of the helmet and smiled. "Okay, straddle my wild beast for the ride of your life."

"Oh God, I wish that meant what it sounds like." Tyne knew Val was being funny in his own way, but it planted an additional image in his head, right next to the one of Val kissing his dick better, and his dick bulged beneath his jeans once more. Tyne climbed on the Banshee and gripped the bars. "So what do I do?"

"Pull in the clutch with this lever right here, and then push the shift lever by your left toe all the way down to get into first gear." Tyne complied. "Perfect, that's it. Now pull the shift lever ½ click up to get to neutral." Tyne achieved that. "Great! Now turn the kick starter out and kick down on it with all your weight like you've seen me do to start this beast."

Tyne rose up onto the kick starter and pushed down. The engine sputtered but did not start. Again, Tyne tried with no success. "It's not starting."

"Good observation, genius," Val joked. "Kick it harder, like you mean it. Pretend it's Lukas, who just gave you a bunch of crap about being gay right in the middle of the lunchroom."

"So do like a karate kick?"

"Yeah, exactly."

Tyne rose up again and cried out, "Aye-yah!" as he kicked forcefully down on the lever. The Banshee roared to life and Tyne felt the powerful vibration between his legs. He grinned from ear to ear.

"Perfect. Now slide up a bit so I can get on behind you." Tyne did so and Val pressed against Tyne's back. Val reached around Tyne's body and showed him how to pull the clutch in and where the thumb lever was for the throttle on the right side handle bar. "With the clutch in, give it just a little gas and release the clutch slowly like this." Val inched the clutch lever out slowly and the engine revved. "Now, we'll try it in gear. Pull in the clutch again and push down on the shift lever to put it into first."

Tyne took a deep breath. The closeness of Val against him and the excitement of riding the vibrating beast caused another bulging boner in Tyne's jeans. He drew in a sharp breath and shifted into first gear. With Val's help, he eased the clutch out and pressed his thumb to the throttle and the engine revved up. As the clutch engaged, the beast took off and Tyne felt a rush of exhilaration. Once the clutch was all the way out and they were rolling down the dirt road, Val pulled the clutch back in and yelled through his helmet for Tyne to put on the brake. He overdid the brake and they stopped hard and sudden. "SORRY," Tyne hollered through the full face helmet.

"No worries. You'll get the feel of it. Now try starting out again and then stopping on your own without my help."

Val dropped his hands onto Tyne's thighs. Tyne took in a deep, nervous breath and eased out the clutch lever without Val's guiding hand over his this time. At the same time, Tyne pressed the throttle with his thumb and tried to find the proper rev level to match what Val had just shown him. It was tricky to find the right level, even though Val had made it seem so easy. When the beast started to creep forward, Tyne reacted instinctively and released the clutch lever completely and pressed too hard on the throttle so that the powerful machine roared and lurched forward. The beast shot forward so quickly that it propelled Val backward causing him to clutch onto Tyne to avoid falling off. His hands slid up along Tyne's thighs where they had been resting and gripped in the crotch. His left hand pressed firmly against Tyne's erection.

Tyne, having scared himself, had the sense to release the throttle and grasp at the brake. He slammed the brake hard and it tossed both riders forward, pinching Tyne's balls against the seat and Val's added force from behind squished them even harder. Tyne cried out as the Banshee jerked to a stop and died. Tyne started groaning and Val started laughing. "Let me up! Let me up!" Tyne hollered. "My balls!"

Val climbed off and Tyne practically rolled off, clutching his package. "I think I need two helmets. One for my head and one for my balls," Tyne said as he dropped to his knees and doubled over. Val tried to console him, but couldn't help from laughing as well.

When Tyne recovered enough, he climbed back on to try again. Val had turned the beast around on the road to head back toward the lake and the truck. "This time, when the quad starts to roll, don't just dump the clutch all the way out. Just hold it in that spot for a bit until you get the throttle speed right and ease the clutch out s-l-o-w-l-y all the way.

Tyne started the beast back up and Val climbed on behind again. Tyne was really nervous now. He pulled in the clutch and put it back into gear. He eased the clutch out painfully slow and barely edged the gas on. "More gas," Val yelled. "But just a little." Tyne pressed a little harder and Val said, "Yeah, that's it!" Tyne smiled wide as he managed to get the beast going. The start was a little jerky, but not bad. Soon the engine was screaming and Val yelled, "You have to shift."

"How?"

"Let off the gas and pull up on the shifter with your toe. Then give it the gas again."

Tyne did as instructed and he felt the machine lurch a bit as he shifted and then he gassed it a little too hard after the shift so Val squeezed his middle tightly to hang on. Then he slowed back down and tried to shift down into first again. They made several passes and practiced shifting up and down and finally Tyne was doing pretty good at both.

"I think you're ready to go solo, dude. You learn quick."

"Thanks. But are you sure? What if I wreck your quad?"

"Well, you know I told you I'd have to tie you to a tree and cover you in honey if you wrecked my truck? Well, if you wreck my quad, I'll hang you from the tree by your balls. But don't worry, you won't wreck it. You're doing good."

Tyne came up with an idea to get a little bit even with Val from the fish guts incident. "How about just one more practice with you on behind me. Just to be sure I got it."

"All right, if it'll make you feel better, but I really don't think you need it." Val strapped his helmet back on and climbed on behind Tyne. Val set his hands loosely on Tyne's sides since Tyne had mastered how to take off nice and smoothly.

Tyne smiled, revved the engine slightly and started to ease out the clutch. Then, Tyne suddenly punched the gas, dumped the clutch and the Banshee rocketed forward. Val flew backward off the machine with his legs flying upward while he did a full back somersault off the beast and landed flat on his face in the dirt. Tyne, meantime, headed directly toward the driver side of Val's nice truck and gave the impression he was going to ram it. He turned toward Val pretending to be panicked, and Val, who had raised up on his elbows, screamed "LOOK OUT! STOP! OH GOD, MY TRUCK! TURN!"

Tyne smiled, let off the gas and turned away at a safe distance from the truck and then headed straight toward Val. Tyne shifted up and sped toward Val on the ground. Val jumped up and started to run to evade Tyne's charge. He managed to jump off the dirt road and over a rock. Tyne stopped the big beast and carefully turned around to pull up next to Val. He was laughing. "There, now we're almost even."

"Almost, my ass. You scared the living shit out of me. What were you thinking? You're not that good of a rider yet. What if you would have hit my truck, or worse, me?"

Tyne laughed. "I never really got that close to either. You just panicked."

"Hell yes, I F'n panicked. If you wrecked both my truck and my quad, I'd have to gut you like a fish, then hang you by the balls from a tree. Holy shit, you scared me."

"Just remember from now on when you go dangling fish guts in my face, I don't get mad, I just get even."

"No shit. You really do. So go get some riding in before I change my mind about letting you." Tyne smiled and took off down the road. After a while, Tyne was venturing off the road onto some trails that took off into the trees and bushes. He was having the time of his life. After a long period of amazing riding, Val waived him in.

"Dude, I'm hungry. Let's eat."

"Okay." Tyne shut the beast off and dismounted, pulled his helmet off and hung it on the handlebar. "That was so awesome. Thanks so much for teaching me to ride. You're right about that being the second most exciting thing you can put between your legs. It was so fun." Tyne was grinning ear to ear and Val was pleased he brought him so much pleasure.

Val and Tyne grabbed the picnic basket and the ice chest out of the back seat of the truck. They found a grassy spot in the shade overlooking the azure lake. The temperature was unseasonably warm for February in the mid-70's. The air was still and the water was glassy calm. The green pine trees on the opposite side of the lake were reflected in the mirror-like surface of the water.

"My feet are still damp. I'm taking my shoes and socks off," Tyne said. He pulled off his shoes and socks and set them in the sun to dry. "The grass feels nice on my feet."

"Really? I guess I'll take mine off too." Val pulled his shoes and socks off his large feet and wiggled his toes in the sunshine.

Tyne retrieved the large blanket he'd brought and spread it on the grass. He pulled the red and white checkerboard cloth from the picnic basket and smiled at Val. "I've got a surprise. Check this out." Tyne pulled the bottle of wine from the basket slowly, the neck of the bottle cradled in the fingers of his left hand and his right hand supporting the base, with a wide grin on his face.

"Nice. How did you score that? I've never drank wine before, only beer a couple of times."

"You're in for a treat then. My mom lets me drink it with her at home sometimes." Tyne pulled out a couple of glasses and set them on the flat lid of the cooler. Then he realized he needed to get into the cooler so he just handed the glasses to Val to hold. Tyne opened up the cooler and pulled out the chicken salad, carrots and celery sticks and all the fruit he'd brought. He also pulled out the stuff Noah had gotten from Whole Foods except for the cream and strawberries. Lastly, he pulled out his bean and rice pilaf. Val studied it warily.

Tyne pulled the croissants out of the basket and was about to start spreading the chicken salad on them for sandwiches, when Val said, "Dude, before you do all that, open the wine and let's sample it."

Tyne smiled. "You lush." Tyne dug in the basket and pulled out the corkscrew. Val watched as Tyne peeled off the protective wrap over the top of the bottle and then screwed the device into the cork. Tyne pulled the levers down and the cork slid out of the bottle. Tyne sniffed the cork, smiled pleasantly, and set it aside. "I think this is a good one."

Val held out the two glasses and Tyne poured the wine into them. Tyne stuffed the cork halfway back into the neck of the bottle and set the bottle back in the ice. "Okay, let's have a toast and then I'll make the sandwiches," Tyne said. He looked up into Val's huge grin. Val held out two empty wine glasses and licked his lips.

"You're right. It is a good one."

"What the … you downed both glasses? Slow down, dude. It's not Gatorade. Wine's meant to accompany the meal and be sipped slowly."

"Oh. Well okay then, fill 'em back up and I'll sip it this time. At least while you're looking, I will." Val grinned even wider and held out the glasses. Tyne mocked disgust and pulled the bottle back out. This time, after Tyne put the bottle back on ice and looked up, both glasses were only half empty. He laughed and took his half empty glass and raised it to Val's.

"Here's to our new found friendship, however unlikely."

"Cheers." They clinked glasses and Tyne took a sip. Val took a gulp. They both set their glasses on the cooler lid and Val helped lay out the food. He opened the smoked salmon and breathed in the aroma. "Actually smells good. He pinched a bit in his fingers and popped it in his mouth. "Mmmm." He chased it with a sip of wine.

"You did better on the wine that time," Tyne said. Val winked.

"Yeah, you were watching."

"Here, take this. Noah says we're supposed to put this roe on top of the salmon and there's this goat cheese to go with it too. Spread the cheese on a cracker, add some salmon, then the roe and pop it in your mouth." Tyne popped one in his mouth and chewed with an evaluative look on his face. He was trying to decide if all the new flavors worked together for him. He swallowed and sipped some wine.

Meanwhile, Val snatched the bottle of orange goop and studied the label. "Hah, I thought so. These are salmon eggs. They look just like the fish eggs I use for bait. Looks like you ate fish guts after all."

"WHAT?" Tyne grabbed the bottle. "Where does it say that?" Val pointed out the small print on the bottle. "Eww. Icky. It's kind of salty tasting. I wasn't sure I liked it but now I'm positive I don't."

Val laughed. "I have to try it now since you did, just so I can keep my man card." Val spread some cheese on the cracker, added a big chunk of the salmon and dabbed a little roe on top. He popped it in his mouth. He frowned, swallowed, and gulped the remainder of the wine in his glass. "Yuck. It is salty. It's probably the salmon sperm on it that makes it taste so salty."

"WHAT?" Tyne shrieked again , snagging back the bottle and scouring the ingredients list. Val started laughing.

"You don't think they'd really print that on the bottle even if it was in there, do you?" Val opened the cooler after handing Tyne his glass and pulled out the bottle. He filled his and Tyne's glasses back up then replaced the bottle. They continued snacking on crackers, cheese and smoked salmon without the eggs. Val made them and fed them to Tyne while Tyne spread the chicken salad on the croissants. Val also ate an apple while he was waiting and they both sipped their wine.

"I'd hate to be a fish," Val mused while he studied a salmon covered cracker.

"I know, you'd miss your big dick."

"No, besides that. They hatch as little squiggly things and if they survive being eaten, they grow up without a mom or dad. I doubt they have any friends, and they never get to sleep. They just swim and eat all day, every day. And they don't even get to jack off. Boring."

"Until they eat something with a hook in it," Tyne said. "Then things get suddenly intense."

"Yeah, but if they don't get off the hook, they get clubbed in the head and eaten."

"Right. I guess I'm glad I'm not a fish either. Besides the no dick issue, the things they have to eat - worms, eggs, bugs – are so gross. So I guess I shouldn't feel bad when I catch them anymore. I'm really just putting them out of their misery, right?"

"Exactly." They laughed and dished up the fruit and veggies onto paper plates. Tyne heaped a large serving of pilaf on Val's plate and added a croissant. Val took the plate and picked at the bean and rice pilaf. "What's in this?"

"Don't worry, there's absolutely no reproductive parts of any creatures in it. Just beans, onions, teriyaki sauce and brown rice and some secret spices. It's really good. Try it."

"Did you say secret spices or secret sauces? Cause if you said sauces, I ain't touching it."

"You are such a freak. Spices, all right? Secret spices."

"Did your mom make it?"

"No. I did," Tyne said a bit defensively. "With my mom gone to work a lot, I have to feed myself most nights. I got sick of frozen dinners and fast food so I started messing around with cooking. My mom likes it when I cook because she takes the leftovers to work for lunches. I make some pretty good stuff."

Val took a taste of the rice. "Mmm, not bad." He shoveled a large bite in and followed it with two more large bites. Then he took a bite of the croissant and liked it so much, he finished it off in two more bites. "I think my mom wants your recipe."

"The croissants were done by Noah. Noah's actually a better cook than me, but you never know what kind of weird thing he'll come up with. Some of it's great, and some of it's nasty, like those sperm covered fish eggs. But hey, you said you're good at cooking fish and your burritos this morning were great."

"Fish, burritos, and pancakes, easy shit, that's all I can cook. You talked about me making a nice wife some day, but you and Noah will definitely make some lucky guys great wives."

Tyne looked out at the lake, sipped his wine and said, "I hope so. I honestly hope so. It scares me that I won't be able to find someone special to share my life with. I don't think it's so easy for guys like me and Noah to do that. It's probably especially hard for someone like me who's not willing to settle for anyone just to get sex."

Val got reflective as well. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. It's not all that easy for straight couples to find good matches. It probably is harder for gays. I never thought about it before. Growing up is scary."

"No shit." They both sipped their wine in comfortable silence, staring at the calm lake.

"What kind of person do you want to marry?" Tyne asked.

"Hmm, well, I guess she has to be smart so our kids won't be total idiots."

"Would you stop with that? You are not stupid. You just need the right teaching approach and motivation to learn the subject. I think you're probably pretty good at most things if you'd just start to believe in yourself a little more. You've bought in to the labels stuck on you by lazy teachers who just didn't want to make the effort to teach you in the way you learn. Just my opinion, of course, but I know I'm right."

Val smiled. "Thanks. Anyway, the girl I marry has to love sports and the outdoors. She has to want at least four kids, laugh at my lame jokes and … oh yeah, she has to be a good cook. A nymphomaniac would be another good quality."

"Interesting."

"What is?"

"I think it's interesting that you didn't mention looks."

"Honestly, that's not all that important to me. I've mostly dated fairly hot chicks because that's who mostly talk to me. But to be honest, even though Sylvia isn't that good looking, I already like her a lot. A lot more than Lizzy, that's for sure. If you hadn't dreamed up that do a good deed and dance with the geeks thing, I probably never would have talked to her and I'm pretty sure she never would have dared talk to me. How F'd up is that? She's not ugly, just plain but she has this sparkling personality. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to marry someone who's like butt ugly or anything, but I don't need, or even really want, someone who's smoking hot. Sooner or later, I'm gonna get fat and bald and then I'd have to worry about my hot wife shopping around for a younger stud." Val laughed. "When my dad turned 40 he told my mom he was going to trade her in on two twenty year olds. My mom just scoffed at him and said, 'Dear, you're not wired for 220.'"

"There's an image that's hard to picture, you fat and bald. I think that's why I like you so much. You're not into images. You're real and you're straight up. You had the guts to be seen with me and come here today with me and not care what others thought. Thanks, by the way."

"Nothing to thank me for. I only come because I wanted to."

"You mean, you only came because you wanted to."

"That's what I said."

"No, you said that you only come and you meant you only came."

"What? I came when I wanted to come? I usually do CUM only when I want to and when I've finished cumming, I'm happy that I came. Or should it be, I camed? As in, I camed in my bed this morning when you kissed my dick. English is so confusing." Val busted out laughing in a wine-enhanced giggle but Tyne felt a swelling of panic rise up into his throat. He turned and faced Val but could think of one thing to say. Val stopped giggling and stared back with a serious look when he saw Tyne's reaction.

Finally, Tyne squeaked out, "You were awake?"

"Of course I was awake. Dude, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, but come on." Val grinned a bit.

"I'm sorry. Oh God, I don't know what came over me. I promise I'll never do anything like that ever again. Please don't hate me and please don't hurt me."

Val's grin widened. "Hate you for what? Giving me a sweet 'gasm? If I was pissed about it, I would have stopped you. I was hoping you'd finish what you started. That's why I pretended to stay asleep." Val turned his face away toward the lake and gnawed at his lower lip a while before he added, " Besides, I wanted it … I liked it."

Tyne studied Val's face for a long, silent stretch and saw the obvious turmoil in it. He looked toward the lake himself and responded, "Me too."

They sat in silence for a long time, each lost in their own thoughts, sorting out the implications of what just took place. They sipped the remainder of their wine. After it was gone, Val set his glass on the lid of the cooler and looked over at Tyne once more. Tyne returned his gaze. "I'm not gay, Tyne. It's just you. There's just something special about you. I can't explain it."

Val slid his large foot over and gently rubbed his toes up the bottom of Tyne's soft arch. It sent shivers through Tyne's spine into his skull. Val was pleased with how soft the skin felt against his toes. The connection, though small, was impactful.

Tyne couldn't speak. There were no adequate words for what he was feeling. He wasn't even able to sort out his feelings himself, let alone express them.

"Want dessert, you freak?" Tyne finally asked to break the tension.

"Sure, as long as there's not fish eggs or secret sauce involved."

Tyne drained his wine glass and pulled out the Cornish Clotted Cream and strawberries. Tyne scooped up a dollop of the thick, beige cream onto a plate and then piled strawberries on top of it. He handed it to Val who glared at it. "Looks like bull cum."

Tyne cracked up. "And you would know that, how?"

"I got farmer cousins with dairy cows. They use it to artificially inseminate the cows. It seriously looks like bull cum only a little thicker."

"Artificially inseminate? How does that work?"

"You don't want to know, but it involves a rubber glove the full length of your arm."

"You're right, I don't want to know. But now there's two things I don't want to be, a fish or a cow."

"Or a dairy farmer, trust me on that one." They laughed together. Val scooped a bit of the beige cream onto his finger and licked it off. "Hmm, even tastes like bull cum, sweet and nutty like."

"You've tasted bull cum?"

Val looked at him all serious but he couldn't pull it off. He cracked up. "No, but you should have seen your face."

"Ahhhh, you are such a freak! I should kick your ass for that one."

"Hah, like you could."

"Don't underestimate me. I'm stronger than I look and I've got some kick ass moves. Besides, you're a little drunk."

"Bullshit. Or should I say, bull cum?" Val started giggling and gave Tyne a playful shove on his shoulder. "I've got a question for ya. Have you ever tasted your own clotted cream?"

"Umm, yeah. Have you?"

"Yeah. Sometimes when I'm sucking on my tip, I just leave it in there and shoot in my mouth. I've always wondered if everybody's tastes the same or if we're all different."

"Damn, you can suck on your own dick? Like the guys on the internet? Wow, if I didn't like you so much, I'd have to hate you now. I so wish I could do that. Although, it's probably best that I can't or I'd never leave my room. I'd just lay naked on my bed 24 /7 sucking myself off over and over again."

Val snorted a laugh. "Tyne, dude, pour me another glass of that sweet wine."

"Val, dude, you already drank it all."

"I did? No, WE drank it all."

"Well, okay technically, you drank all but one glassful. Wine is meant for sipping not gulping, remember?"

"Oh. No wonder I'm a little buzzed."

"Yeah, no wonder."

"The sun feels good." Val lay back with his arms raised up with his hands tucked behind his neck. Then he sat up and pulled his shirt off, rolled it up and placed it under his neck for a pillow. He wiggled his head back and forth a bit then stood up and pulled his jeans off and rolled them up with his shirt, lay back down, and smiled, satisfied with his pillow. "I could take a little nap. How about you?"

"I don't know. Maybe." Tyne sat there on the blanket with the sun warming his back, surrounded by the beauty of nature and observing the natural beauty lying before him. Noah's words from giving suggestions on what to do for the date rang in his ears, 'You could steal a bottle of your mom's wine and when you get him good and drunk, you can take advantage of him'. He smiled as he leaned on one elbow, propping his head up and stretched out. He adjusted the growing boner in his jeans with his other hand. "You're a huge fucking tease, you know that?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about the fish guts and chasing you around on the quad when you're dick was hanging out."

"Well, you're a huge tease that way too, but I meant you're a huge cock tease."

Val rolled his head over, looked at Tyne, and squinted, "Huh?"

"That's right. You keep exposing your hot bod to me, just teasing me with it. I think you're doing it on purpose. Are you?"

Val smiled and rolled his head away to look back up at the blue sky. "Not me." After a pause, Val asked, "Do I get you horny?"

"Fuck yes. Imagine if you were me and it was Megan Fox lying there wearing nothing but panties."

"If I were you, I probably wouldn't even notice, cuz if I was you, I'd be gay."

A wooden napkin ring bounced off Val's head. "Who writes your material, Shaq?" Tyne asked. "Seriously though, are you purposely showing off for me?"

"Maybe, a little. It's kind of flattering and I sort of get off on knowing I turn you on. But mostly, I just don't think twice about getting undressed in front of another dude. We have the same equipment after all and I'm pretty used to it from all the locker rooms. Nick likes to show off his bod to me too, so it's just something I've done a lot of."

"I know why Nick likes to get naked with you. He's 'in love' with you. At least, he's 'in lust' with your hot body." Tyne gave his crotch an additional adjustment.

Val looked down at Tyne's crotch and then looked him in the eyes. "Boned up?"

Tyne shrugged, "Can't help it."

"My fault?"

"Duh."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I like it … I want it." Tyne smiled. Val smiled back.

"You know, when Nick was hitting on me, it was revolting. Knowing you're pervin' on me is kind of cool. Weird, huh? Why do you think that is?"

"Excuse me? I am NOT perving on you. I am attracted to you. There's a big difference."

"I guess so. Sorry. I suppose that's why it doesn't creep me out." After a lengthy span of silence, Val said, "If you need me to, I'll help you out with it. You know, if you need it bad." Val made a slight motion toward Tyne's crotch.

Tyne pulled one side of his mouth into a half smile and raised one eyebrow. "What do you have in mind?"

"Just, you know, I'd …" Val made a jackoff motion. "If you need it."

Tyne stared into Val's eyes for a full, contemplative moment. "No. I don't need it that bad. I'd love it but I don't know if it's really a good idea. Thanks though, for offering." Tyne held Val's gaze. As soon as the words left his lips, Tyne regretted them. He worried though, that it was the wine talking and not Val. He didn't want to do something that Val would regret later and could damage the friendship. Their friendship was more important than an orgasm. Even at the hands of Val.

"Umm, okay. That's cool." Val looked back up to the sky feeling awkward and Tyne couldn't read if he saw relief or disappointment in his face. Tyne stood up and pulled his shirt and jeans off. He rolled them up and lay down on his back using his clothes as a pillow in the same way Val had done. His dick clearly tented his white boxers.

Val looked over and asked, "Now who's the tease?"

Tyne looked over smirking, "Just two guys enjoying the sunshine in the woods. It's not like I haven't got the same thing you've got, right?"

"True that. God gave us the same equipment, straight or gay, big or small." Val smiled and winked at him.

Tyne chuckled a bit and said, "I just wish someone would have told me up in heaven that I could have super-sized my order." Val started chuckling, then laughing, then heaving with laughter. The wine played a big part of it, but Val couldn't stop. He'd start to regain control then burst out again. Tyne started laughing at Val's laughter.

Once there had been a solid five minutes of silence, Tyne asked, "So Val, you evaded my question earlier. How come an awesome, studly jock like you hasn't gotten laid?"

Val looked over at Tyne and looked up and down his youthful, lithe body. Tyne's erection had subsided and his dick lay flat beneath the white boxers. Val completed his scan by resting his eyes on Tyne's cute face and soft, red lips. "It's not what you're thinking."

"I'm sure it isn't because I'm not thinking anything."

"It's not because I'm secretly gay. That's what Nick tried to tell me when he was hitting on me. He said I probably was gay and that's why I was still a virgin. I told you I'm shy around girls and that's part of it. Another part of it is that I was taught to be a gentleman and treat women respectfully. I can't just take advantage of a willing victim if you know what I mean. I want it to be more than that. I want some romance and even some love involved. Maybe that's stupid at my age, but it's how I think. Stupid, huh?"

"No. It's not stupid at all. It's commendable. It's … sweet."

Val laughed a bit. "Great. Put it that way and it makes me think maybe I am gay. Sweet? How about chivalrous or even romantic? Sweet. Wow." Tyne just laughed. After another pause, Val asked, "You think you'll ever try doing it with a girl sometime just to see what it's like? Just to verify it's not your thing?"

"Yeah, I was actually thinking about asking Violet to help me out with that. I'm pretty sure she's willing. What do you think?"

"WHAT THE FU …" Val stopped his furious reaction when he say Tyne's ridiculous grin.

"Gotcha. No. I don't need to verify it. I know for sure. Girls don't jiggle my bobber."

"You smart ass. So are you telling me that if Megan Fox was lying here naked and offering her body up to anything you wanted to do with her, you'd pass?"

"Yup. I'd much rather put your screaming Banshee between my legs." Val cracked up again at Tyne's little joke, giggling excessively.

"Nick told me that I should try it out with a guy sometime, just to make sure I was really straight. He said that even if I found out I wasn't gay for sure, it'd still be a fun experience."

"Really? Well you know what his motive for that suggestion was, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I got pissed at him. I don't need to mess around with a guy to know I'm not gay."

"So are you saying that if Justin Bieber was lying here naked and offering himself up to anything you wanted to do with him, you'd pass?"

Val laughed out loud. "Justin Bieber? Seriously? You might as well have picked Noah."

"Okay, well Blake Griffin then."

"Well that's a little better," Val chuckled.

"Then, what guy would you choose as a temptation?" Tyne asked, curious what kind of guy Val might think was super hot.

Val got serious and looked Tyne in the eye, "You." After a very dramatic pause, Val added, "Seriously, if you had tits and a cunt, I'd be doing you right now."

Tyne was completely speechless and a bit grossed out at the concept of having a slimy cunt in place of his treasured dick. Val continued to stare at Tyne until the searing gaze was too much for Tyne and he broke eye contact and looked heavenward, breathing slightly heavier. Val continued to stare at Tyne's body for a while. He was smaller than average for his age but he wasn't weak looking. Instead, he was toned and fit, just not overly muscular like Val. Val presumed that his fitness came from the Karate workouts. After imagining making love to a female version of Tyne, Val looked away and stared at the sky also breathing a little heavier. Val felt the tip of his erection pushing up the waistband of his boxers covered with the King's logo.

Without looking back towards, Val, Tyne said in a small voice, "I have tits. They're just not as big as Lizzy's or even your sister's." As soon as Tyne said that his face grew hot and he wished he could suck the words back in.

Val snapped his head back toward Tyne and said, "What? Why did you mention my sister? Are you fucking with me again? Because if you are, it's really not funny. You killed it already."

"Oh God. Did I say that out loud?" Tyne sputtered. Val continued to glare. "Okay, the truth is that last night, your sister walked in on me in the bathroom when I was naked. When I was going back down the hall, she called to me and flashed her tits to me saying that we were even. She offered to let me touch them." Tyne had no idea what Val would do because he knew how protective he was of his sister.

Val glared for a minute longer, then seeing the nervous uncertainty in Tyne's expression, he started to laugh. "She's got a huge crush on you, I could tell. It runs in the family, I guess. But, I didn't know she'd do something that forward. I have to talk to her about being a nasty little cock teaser."

"Whew. Thanks for not being pissed at me over it. It was completely innocent on my part. And, don't be too hard on her over the cock teaser thing. I don't think she can help it. I think it just runs in the Hardcastle genes to get horny over me. I just hope to hell your mom doesn't hit on me." Tyne grinned and added, "Like that boner poking its head out of your boxers for instance. I'm guessing that's my fault. If you don't cover that beast up, I'm gonna lose all control and have to come over there and jump your damn bones."

Val peeked down at himself and smiled. "Sorry about that, but it's your fault. I was thinking about you being a chick instead of having a dick and how I'd be ravishing your body right now if you were." Tyne just shook his head. Val sat up and unrolled his pants and pulled them on. Then he pulled his T-shirt on and started to pull on his socks and shoes. "Let's hike upstream a bit and explore, before this gets out of hand … or maybe in hand. Maybe we can even go check out the ghost town up on the hill."

"Sounds good." Tyne sat up and started dressing as well. "It's interesting, how we can talk with each other about sex stuff even though your straight and I'm gay. It's really a weird dynamic," Tyne said.

"What's dynamic mean? I thought that meant like a superhero or something. You know, like 'dynamic duo'."

"It means that too, but I used it more like a weird … umm … situation or aspect to a relationship."

"Oh, okay. Yeah it is a weird dynamic. I never really knew I could like a gay guy, but you're so easy to talk to. Plus, you're so F'n cute. I just wish I could talk to girls as easily as I can talk to you."

"You can if you just try. Forget about thinking about the sexual part with them and become friends first. Maybe if you don't think of every conversation as some kind of mating ritual designed to help you get laid, you can relax and be more of yourself."

"That's it! I really think you nailed it. That's exactly what I'm subconsciously thinking around girls. I'm always worried I'll come off stupid and it'll hurt my chances of getting anywhere with them and then I really do say something stupid because of it. I'm always trying too hard to be funny or clever so I can impress a girl and have a chance at having sex with her. That's kind of sick when I think about it straight out like that."

Tyne chuckled. "I'll send you my bill in the mail for the therapy session." Tyne pulled on his socks. "Damn things are still damp. Icky."

The two of them picked up the lunch and folded the blankets and put it all back in the truck. Then they walked side by side to the end of the lake where a single file trail started up the hill alongside the creek that fed into the lake. Along the way, Val pointed out several small, still pools where he thought the fishing would be good. He joked that he had to try some place other than the gay fish bar at the lake to catch something later.

"Yeah, you have to be careful. You never know what you might catch in those gay fish bars," Tyne joked. "We better both get tested when we get home."

Val shook his head and kicked backwards toward Tyne's groin area, but Tyne reacted with a blocking kick that toppled Val off balance. He tripped and rolled over the bank and into the creek. He cried out, "Arrgghh! Look what you F'n did! You got me soaked, you dork. You are so going in." Val scrambled and clawed his way up the bank as Tyne's waist-bending laughter turned to a shriek. Tyne took off running up the trail, laughing and shrieking. Val pursued and when he caught him, he was winded. Tyne was slower but he had more endurance than Val expected.

Val wrapped his arms around Tyne's waist and tackled him. They rolled together off the trail, into the grass and over into the creek. Both of them were completely soaked. They came up laughing and splashing each other. After a five minute water fight, Val sat on a rock and said, "Hey, this water isn't even that cold."

"You're right ? ! I wonder why?" Tyne agreed. "Did you piss in it? You know that's against the seven rules."

"Shut up. Maybe it's because it's shallow enough for the sun to warm it."

"I don't think that's it since the water's flowing."

"Let's hike up and see if we can find out why it is then?" Val suggested. Since they were already soaked they just hiked up through the creek and Tyne thought it was kind of fun doing that. He actually saw a couple of trout dart around his feet as he hiked up. They reached a spot where another, smaller creek fed into the larger one they were hiking in.

"This little one's hot," Tyne said as he walked over toward the incoming creek.

"The one we're in is colder up above where the two join. I think this small one must come from a natural hot spring. Let's hike up and see if we can find the spring." Val pulled his hand from the water and stood upright, smashing his head on a low hanging branch. "OW! Dammit!"

"Oh, man, are you okay? How's your head? Has it been hurting you today?"

"Not 'til now. That's gonna give me a headache though." Val rubbed his crown. "Let's go."

Not far up the hillside, they crested a rocky ledge and there was a small oval pool large enough to accommodate maybe four or five people. The water bubbling up from the bottom of it was crystal clear. There was a small rock shelf about twelve to eighteen inches beneath the surface on one side and the bottom of the pool was filled with coarse sand. Val reached down and dabbed his fingers into the water and then submerged his full hand. "It's perfect. Let's get in. Maybe our clothes will dry some if we hang them on the branches in the sun."

"I don't know. Is it safe? What if there are some weird chemicals in the water or something."

"Chill, would you? You worry too much." Val was already pulling off his soggy shoes and socks. He worked his way out of his wet t-shirt and then unzipped his pants. Val pulled his pants and boxers off in one smooth motion and gathered everything to drape over the branches. "Tyne, please help me wring out my shirt and pants."

Tyne was visibly ogling Val's nice package. His long, thick penis was visibly shorter from being cold and damp, but it still hung loosely over his baseball sized pouch. His testicles were drawn up tight into a nice scrunched up handful. "What?"

"My wet clothes. Help me wring the water out and then I'll help you with yours." Tyne accepted the pant legs and gripped them tightly while Val twisted the waist. Once they were all twisted, they each turned their hands in opposite directions to wring as much water as possible from them. They repeated the process on Val's shirt. "You strip now while I hang these up and I'll help you wring yours out."

Tyne was nervous. He watched Val's gorgeous, athletic body as he stepped gingerly amongst the rocks in his bare feet toward the trees. Reluctantly, Tyne peeled off his wet t-shirt and then sat down to remove his shoes and socks. Val returned and Tyne handed Val his shirt. They twisted it and got a lot of water out. "Now let's do your pants."

"I'll just leave them on."

"That's stupid. Why? We should use the sun while we can." Tyne shuffled his feet.

"Why are you so afraid to get undressed in front of me?" Val put his hands on his narrow waist, practically pointing to his dangling goods on full display.

"I'm not. I just want to keep my pants on. Why do you keep trying to get me naked?"

"I'm not." Val knew it wasn't true and he knew he wasn't convincing.

"Yes you are. Don't lie. Why?"

"All right. I told you already there's something about you that I'm attracted to, more than just a normal friend. You've seen me naked. Hell, you've F'n felt me up and kissed my dick. I'm curious, all right. I wanna see what you've got. I want to see the whole package. No other guy has ever interested me like you. I can't deny that you get to me and I can't explain why. So now you tell me the truth. Why are you so afraid of me seeing you naked? It's one of two things. I'm guessing either you're embarrassed because your small down there or because you're boned up."

"Both actually. I am small, certainly compared to you, but smaller than average from what I saw at Dicksneyland. And, there's absolutely no way I can be naked around you and not get boned up. It seems weird to do that since you aren't gay and I really don't want to lose you as a friend. Sex messes up friendships. I've seen it. Look at you and Nick."

"I don't care about any of that. I don't care what size your dick is and I don't care if you get boned in front of me. I want you to, actually. Partly, it's just you trusting me enough to let me see you naked. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but somehow being naked together makes a statement between guys that we completely accept the other one. No barriers."

Tyne sighed and stood there with his guts wrenching. Slowly, he reached down to the snap of his jeans, but then he paused, uncertain if he really should do it.

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We support Ukraine — Мы поддерживаем Украину — Ми підтримуємо Україну
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