Just Hit 'Send' - The Interim Years
by Grasshopper
Ch. 6
Arms around each other, Danny looked at the doctor. "I can tell you what you need to know now."
Dr. Meadows watched the close interaction between the two young men. There was no shyness, no embarrassment; just the overwhelming feeling that Dan could express himself now that Jordan held him.
"Can you tell me about the day of the accident, Dan?"
He watched Jordan begin to rub the back of Danny's neck gently and murmur in his ear, "Go ahead, Baby. Tell him like you told me. It'll be fine. I've got you."
Danny stared at his hands, his fingers interlaced with Jordan's. He had never told Jordan the real truth back when they were 16. He'd tried but he wanted Jordy to love him so much and he wouldn't if he knew. Now, he had to say it. He felt his heart start to collapse inside his chest.
"I need to tell Jordy something first, Dr. Meadows. Is that okay?"
"Of course, Dan. Would you like me to step out of the room?"
"Would you? Just for a minute?" The doctor walked quickly across the room and opened the door.
"What, baby?"
"Jordy? You remember when I told you about Michael?"
"Of course I do. And I told you that it wasn't your fault and it didn't matter."
"And you told me that maybe it was God's way of letting me find you?"
"I remember, Danny." Jordan moved the back of his hand in gentle circles on Danny's flushed cheek.
"Remember I told you that Michael didn't do anything?" Danny's voice drifted low.
Jordan cocked his head. Oh God.
Danny spoke in whispered pieces. "I....I lied to you.........He did............I couldn't............"
Jordan gathered him up in his arms and held him, his hands flat on Danny's back.
"Why couldn't you tell me? I would have understood. Nothing can make me stop loving you." Jordan really didn't understand.
"I was so afraid you would. I just said enough so you knew. I thought that would be enough." Danny's forehead pressed against Jordan's chest, his words coming in gasps.
"But it wasn't?"
"No."
"Then, tell me now. Tell the doctor now. I want you to know how much this doesn't matter to me. How much you mean to me. I only want you to be happy, baby.....safe and happy."
"But I........,"
Jordan kissed him gently then looked into those wet blue eyes. "You didn't do anything, angel. You aren't to blame at all. Let the doctor explain and then let me love you until there aren't any memories left except you and me."
Danny sat still, his mind chewing on the black memories. So many nights of closing his eyes and seeing it, reliving it, feeling it. So many nights of Percodan and Xanax and staring at his dad's gun. He so wanted it all to be gone. He wanted to believe that he didn't cause it, didn't ask for it but that's all he ever felt. He'd felt it so long he would miss it if it ever left. How do you fill a nasty dark hole in your mind?
"K, Jordy. I'll try."
Jordan opened the door, threw Easy a look, eyebrows creased and nodded to Dr. Meadows.
"Dr. Meadows," Danny sighed, "I have something to tell you." Jordan sat back down close, holding Danny's hand with both of his. "Jordy says maybe you can help me."
"I can try to help you help yourself."
"K."
"Can you tell me about what happened before the accident, Dan?"
Danny turned his head and looked into Jordan's eyes searching for strength. Finding what he needed, he lowered his eyes to the floor and answered, "I was raped."
Jordan had known it was coming but the words ripped his heart. Silently, he squeezed Danny's hand.
"Would you like to tell me about it?"
"No."
"Will you try?"
Danny felt Jordan's warmth, could hear him breathing. For Jordy. "Yes."
"His name was .........was Michael. His mother was my mom's best friend. He babysat me lots of times."
"Did you like Michael?"
"Oh yes," Danny said bitterly. "I thought he hung the moon. All I wanted was to be just like him one day."
"How old was Michael?"
"23."
"How old were you?"
"9." He felt Jordy stiffen and heard him exhale, "fuck."
"Tell me about Michael."
Danny panicked. Here was where he knew he was to blame. Right here in the telling. This was the rotten crap. This was the part he could never say outloud; the thinking hurt too much.
"Michael was like this god to me," he whispered. "He would pick me up and swing me around and sit me on his shoulders. He took me places with him and made me feel important like I was grownup. We'd go to Pizza Hut and to the beach and he called me Cutie and Hot Stuff and I liked it." His voice trailed off.........."I liked it."
"Did he touch you during these times?"
"Yes. I didn't know it was wrong then. I swear," he reached for Jordan. "I swear, Jordy. I didn't know."
"Shhh. You were a little kid. Of course you didn't know."
"What would he do?"
"He would..........he would squat down in front of me and run his hands over me like he was checking me out. He'd be laughing and saying 'Hey Lil Guy, you're looking hot today!' and then he'd.....he'd......run his hand between my legs and touch me. It was over in a second and no one ever noticed but I..........."
"What, Dan?"
Ashamed, Danny mumbled, "I wanted him to do that. It felt funny and weird but I wanted him to do it."
"You reacted to his touching you?"
Softly, a muffled, "yes."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Scared."
"Did you touch yourself?"
"I remember I did once but nothing happened. I poked at myself but I figured it was just Michael making it do that."
"Can you tell me about the day of the accident?"
Jordan whispered, "Do you want me to leave, baby?"
"NO!" Danny grabbed his arm.
The doctor was at a loss as to who was hurting more: Danny reliving it or Jordan hearing in for the first time.
Danny seemed to go down deep inside.....where the bogeyman lives. His eyes glazed over and his voice took on an almost childlike singsong.
"I went to his house to see if he was watching cartoons. They lived three houses down. It was Saturday morning. He opened the door like usual, all happy to see me. He told me that his mom and dad were gone off somewhere, I forget where. He was drinking beer from this green glass bottle. It was sweating. He got me a Coke and we sat on the sofa. It was Roadrunner. I liked Ronin Warriors best but they came on later. He patted the sofa and told me to scoot over. I liked that. Just us guys watching 'toons. He took hold of my hand and that was nothin' cause he did it a lot crossing streets and at the mall. We watched that dumb coyote and he played with my fingers and then, all of a sudden, he pressed my hand on his...............his............," Danny faltered. He made a low keening sound in his throat and Jordan rubbed his neck.
"His penis?" Dr. Meadows kept him on track.
"Yes, into his crotch. I was scared to move my fingers."
"Do you remember what you were thinking?"
"Oh yes. I remember everything. I want it to go away but it never does. It never goes away," Danny sobbed. "I remember thinking how big it was and wondering why. Like did he have to pee or something? I had no clue. Jordy, I swear, I had no clue."
"You're doing fine, baby. I know you had no idea." Jordan was fighting indescribable rage. He wanted to rip that fucker's damn dick off but he sat still, just holding on.
"What happened then, Dan?"
"He.......he undid his pants and slipped my hand inside. I wanted to run but I didn't. I didn't. I didn't." His face crumpled and the hot tears flowed down his cheeks.
"Why didn't you run, Dan?"
Jordan shot the doctor an angry glance but he shook his head and prodded on.
"I.......don't.........know," Danny moaned. "I guess I wanted it."
"Wanted what?"
"I don't know."
"Did you want to touch him?"
"I don't know. Yes........No.........I.......don't........know!"
"What were you feeling?"
"It was like.......like when he had touched me before. I guess I wanted to see how that worked or something. His was so big and hard and that was what happened to me except mine was little. I didn't know how that happened."
"Did he make you do anything to him?
"No."
"So, other than touching his penis he wanted nothing from you?"
"I guess."
"What happened then?"
"We sat like that until Scooby Doo came on and then he stood me up between his legs and touched my face and told me I was beautiful."
"Did you like that?"
"Jordy..............."
"I'm here, baby."
"How did you feel about Michael saying you were beautiful?"
"I liked it. It made me feel funny like I was grownup or something."
"And then?"
"This is the bad part." Danny looked into Jordy's eyes searching for disillusionment or anger but all he saw was love and compassion and tears.
"Tell him, Dan. Get it out."
Danny sat up straighter. His voice came out of the whisper where it had been hiding as if he wanted to just spew the words out, flush them and be done with it.
"Forgive me," he sighed and kissed Jordan.
"Always."
"He told me I was beautiful and that he wanted to see how beautiful I really was. He started to touch me and he pulled my t-shirt over my head. I knew it was wrong....I knew........I knew right from wrong. But right at that moment in time, all I wanted was for Michael to think I was beautiful. I had no idea why. He just stood me there between his knees and undressed me like a doll. I stood still, my eyes wide but....but my body was tingling......Jordy, this is where I couldn't tell you any more. I couldn't."
"It's all right. I understand. I really do. Finish it once and for all, baby."
"Did you want to touch him, Dan?
"No. I was like being at the doctor's or something. I just stood there between his long legs, my head down. 'You're beautiful' he kept saying, over and over."
"What did he do then?"
"He...........he........," Danny started reaching for his braces. "I need.......,"
"What, sweetie? What do you need?"
"My chair. I need to be in my chair."
"Shhh, I'll help you." Jordan spoke softly as he lifted Danny and nestled him in his wheelchair. "Better?"
Jordan could hear Danny's gasps for breath in the still room. "Go slow, baby."
Danny put his hands on the wheels and rolled himself slowly over to the wall where the lady sat in the field of wildflowers. His eyes on the painting, his back to the doctor, his back to Jordy, choking back the tears, he spoke so softly it was almost the sound of the breeze.
"He lifted me up, poured beer on his fingers and stuck them in me."
"Oh God, Danny, I...."
"Let me finish or I never will."
"It hurt. It wasn't beautiful. He wasn't beautiful. It hurt. I was so scared I peed all over him. That made him mad. He yelled at me and then..............." Danny moaned, "He tried to fuck me. I know that now but then I was just scared, trying to get off him. I wanted my mom. He lifted me and shoved me down on him. I screamed No No No and was hitting him and I scratched his face. He let loose and I jerked away. That's how I got hit by the car, Dr. Meadows. Jordy........I just wanted to find my mom."
Daniel Trainor Post Session 4
Dan and Jordan will come in tomorrow to discuss today's session. He was too emotionally drained to continue and it was a good place to stop.
Dan has kept the guilt of what happened inside too long.
He explained before they left that Michael was killed in a DUI car wreck during Dan's stay in the hospital. He told his parents when he was 16 that he had been molested but never who the perpetrator was or the extent to which he was hurt and has lived with the feelings of guilt for 14 years.
Suppositions:
Medical records show no physical reason for inability to walk...Dan subconsciously punishes himself for what he sees as "asking for" the molestation.
Directives:
imperative Dan tell his story to parents
Needs to question his motives and realize that he is blameless; only then can he begin to heal and grow
"Danny?"
Jordan sat in the middle of the bed, repeating Danny's name for what seemed the millionth time. Danny sat in his wheelchair, staring out the window at the fog rolling in off the river. He hadn't spoken 2 words since they left the doctor's office. Easy hadn't questioned after he saw the red puffy eyes and felt the tension in Danny's shoulders.
"Danny? Are you gonna talk to me?"
Danny shook his head.
"Do you want something to eat?"
He shook his head.
"Do you want me to rub your shoulders? You want a massage?"
Nothing.
Jordan walked over and knelt down beside the chair. "Dan, will you just come to bed?" He touched Danny's arm as if to help him.
"Don't touch me!"
Jordan jerked his hand back as if it had hit the open eye on the stove. "What?"
"Don't you see? It's no good. I let him, Jordy. I asked for that. You shouldn't ever.......touch...........me......again!"
"Honey, you've kept that inside you all these years. I wish you hadn't. I love you, Danny. He didn't touch your soul, your heart. He didn't touch you in any way that matters, baby."
"All these years, Jordy, after I met you and we did......the things we did. The way you touched me, loved me. I wanted so much to be worthy of that but I never have been. Don't you see?"
Jordan closed his eyes trying to find the right words. "Dan, I know he hurt you. I'd hunt him down and rip his balls off but he's gone. He'll never hurt anyone again."
"Jordy," he sniffed, trying to stop the tears, "Why didn't God watch out for me that day?"
"I don't know, baby. We'll never know what his plan was in all this but I do know that you're with me now and always and it's time to put this behind us. I'll never leave you. You need to forgive yourself and walk away from the blame. It was NOT your fault. A grown man is responsible for his actions; not a child. I don't even think it was about sex. I think he was just forcing you to do that. He was sick, baby. He's dead and we need to live now."
"But Jordy...."
"Mmmm?"
"I can never get clean enough to make it go away. I've scrubbed and scrubbed but it never goes away."
Jordan thought of all the loving they had done and all the times he had touched Danny, fingers, tongue, everything. "Has this always been there? Have you always felt like this even when I touched you, made love to you?"
Danny looked at him with tear-filled eyes, "Yes."
"Oh,Dan. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to, so many times. I just couldn't and then it just became this 'thing' I couldn't get past. I love it every time you love me, Jordy, it's just a bad memory that won't go away."
Jordan rocked back on his heels. "I love you, Dan."
"I know."
"Do you believe me?"
"Yes, Jordy."
"Then, if I say there's a way to finish this, will you believe me?"
Danny looked at him, glimmers of hope in his crystal eyes. "If you say so, maybe."
"Dan, if I had told you that I flirted with some man when I was 9, would you think I had wanted to have sex with him?"
"No, not you Jordy. You don't flirt."
"Exactly. Neither do you. And every time your dick gets hard, does that mean you want someone to fuck you?"
"No. I've never ever only wanted you."
"Stay put." Jordan walked into the bathroom and started the water running. "Come on, sweetie." He lifted Danny out of the chair and sat him on the bed tugging at his sneakers.
Clothes in a heap, he carried Danny to the bathtub and lowered him into the warm oil-scented water. "I'm gonna climb in behind you."
Easing himself down behind Danny, Jordan prayed for the right words. It was time for this to stop and he knew he was the only one who could help Danny face it. Not with directions about what he should do or how he should feel but just by loving him and literally washing the bad memories away.
"Dan, he touched your body, not your heart or your soul where your goodness lives. If I wash your body and tell you how much I love you, could you tell me back and let the ugly stuff go down the drain?"
Danny sighed, laying his head back on Jordan's chest. "I want to, Jordy."
"Then do it, Dan. Don't let the old memory of what he did all those years ago take away from what we have now. He isn't worth the pain. I just want to love you, cherish you. I want your body just like it is but if you need it clean, then I'll help you."
Jordan reached for the soap and lathered his hands, rubbing Danny everywhere. He smoothed it on his face and his chest, his arms and his legs, stretching to reach. He poured out a little shampoo and cleaned Danny's black curls. "Hear that, Danny?" he whispered, as he ran his fingers through the wet hair and down the side of his face. "You squeak you're so clean."
Finally, he reached under the water and slid his hands down. He eased and stroked, felt Danny's reaction to his loving hands. He felt Danny tense up.
"No baby. It's me. I would never hurt you."
Danny's body began to relax. His head cuddled to Jordan's chest, he cried quiet tears. "Let it go, baby. I've got you."
Danny felt Jordan's fingers stroking gently, touching him where Michael had ripped and torn him all those years ago.
"You don't mind me touching you, do you?"
"No, not you, Jordy. No one else."
"There is no one else who will. No one now that you're free of this and we've washed it away."
"I love you, Jordy. Will I ever really forget?"
"I think the more you talk about your feelings, the more you'll see that none of it was your fault and he was one sick puppy. If it hadn't been you it probably would have been some other poor kid. Just be glad he's gone."
All the while Jordan was talking, he was massaging Danny's body, rubbing and stroking, touching and caressing. He kissed the side of Danny's neck and whispered, "Will you let me make love to you, Danny? Just the two of us? No ghosts, no bad memories?"
Danny lay quietly in Jordan's arms. "Let me show you how loving you won't hurt you; how my love would never hurt you."
"I already know that, Jordy."
Jordan stood, water running down his body. Toweled off, he reached for Danny. "I've got you. I've always got you," he murmured, as he lifted Danny from the tub and sat him on the counter and toweled him dry.
"God, you're beautiful," he sighed looking at the crystal drops of water that danced on the eyelashes of the crystal blue eyes. "How did I ever get so lucky?"
Danny smiled. The first real smile of the day. The first real "I'm SO glad you're here" smile. "I'm so glad you came, Jordy. I needed you and you came."
"I always will. One day, Danny, when we're living in our house by the ocean, we'll remember all this bad stuff cause, dang!, we've had more than our share but we'll remember it all because we want to, not because it won't go away. They will all be shadowed memories of all the reasons that brought us together."
He picked Danny up and carried him to the bed. The sun was long gone and the wind had picked up, soft whistling sounds, murmurs, whispers as the rain beat a rhythm on the French doors.. "See, Dan? More water to wash away the hurt, the guilt. God wants you to let it go too."
"Oh, Jordan, take me out there."
"In the rain?"
"Yes, you washed me, now let God wash me too."
Jordan tried not to cry. He bit his bottom lip but the tears fell anyway. He understood what Danny wanted. So slight, so thin, his Danny. He lifted him in his arms and let Danny open the door to the balcony.
The rain was cold, not warm summer drops but icy winter shards, stinging the skin and drenching in seconds.
Danny raised his face and let the rain wash over him. "Love me now, Jordy."
More towels, swift rubbing to warm their bodies, soft giggles from the lips of a boy who needed to laugh. Then, no more giggles. Time for healing, time to forget one thing and remember so many others.
**Let's get a tattoo, Dan.**
**These are 'always' rings.**
**I don't go up to every boy in a wheelchair and tell him he's beautiful.**
**Come get me, Danny. I'm scared and I want to come home.**
**Jordy, show me that flip trick you do.**
**If you slide off the board, don't panic. I'll always be here to catch you.**
**I love Danny, Daddy.**
**Love me.**
**I love you.**
Soft murmurs, tender hands. "He didn't love me, did he, Jordy?"
"No, baby."
"You love me."
"Damn straight."
Danny struggled to roll onto his tummy. "No, I want to see your eyes," Jordy whispered. "I always want to see your eyes."
Soothing words, sliding hands. Danny reached up and pulled Jordan down to his mouth. The kiss was friendly, gentle, loving. Now was not the time for hot passions but for renewing of faith.
"Danny, if it wasn't for these, we never would have met," he said as he kissed the scars on the slender legs that pressed up against his shoulders. "I know it was horrible. I know you hurt for a long time but maybe this was the fates deciding we belonged together. If it wasn't for these scars," he whispered as he licked one and then the next and the next, "You never would have answered when I begged someone to listen. Remember the two words that changed our lives?"
Danny nodded his head. "I will."
"Will you still?"
"Yes."
Danny watched Jordan click the white tube, closed his eyes to the feelings he knew were ahead and then popped them open as the cold gel touched his hot skin.
"Here's where he touched you. Here's where he hurt you," Jordan said softly. "Feel my fingers, Dan?"
"Oh, yes."
"Do you see what we're doing........the difference?"
"Yes."
"I would never hurt you. I just want to love you."
Bodies glided. Danny felt the sharp pain and the memories jarred. Then, he felt the fullness, then the incredible warmth. This was Jordy.
Jordan slowly pushed all the way in, stretching, filling. "Danny?"
"Ummm?" his breath gasping.
"Do you want this?"
"Oh......................." he answered with a push of his hips. Jordan smiled.
"Did you want that?"
"No."
"Did you ask him to hurt you?"
"I don't think so."
"Have you ever wanted anyone except me inside you?"
"No. Never."
Jordan watched Danny's eyes, as they say, the mirrors to his boy's soul. The mists seem to gather and then break apart. "Love me, Jordy."
"Just me. Always."
This was for Danny. Cleansing him, loving him. Leaning in for kisses, raring back up as waves of want trapped them both. Jordan lifted Danny's legs and pushed a pillow under him and crashed back into his body. Thrusting, gasping, wanting. Strong legs, weak legs............love doesn't care. Both hands steadying Danny's legs, Jordan felt the strain in his thighs. He wanted the weight. He wanted Danny to want this. Sweat, joy, pleasure, freedom.........coming, hard and powerfully, bursting together.
Nose to nose, toes to toes, lips touching, words moving from one mouth to the other. "Jordy."
"Mmmm?"
"I think I can get past it now."
"Oh Dan," he sighed.
"Maybe if we do that a few more times, it will go away faster."
Jordan pulled his head back and saw the twinkle of laughter in Danny's eyes. "You dog. You just wanna get fucked." He softened the joke by licking Danny's lips and growling.
"Jordy. Do you believe what the doctors say? That maybe I can walk?"
"I believe you can do what you need to do."
"I'm gonna try, Jordy......for you."
"No, baby. You do it for you. I've been fighting you for a long time but now it's up to you."
"Fighting me? How?"
"I want you with me. I would take care of you all the rest of our lives but you want to be independent and I try too hard. You do what you need to do. I know now that we will be together, if not now, then soon. I can wait. Hell, I've waited for you for 23 years. Another one or two won't kill me."
"And we'll have the house by the ocean? And the big doofy dog? And Josh and Markie and Easy and, and, and........."
"We'll have it all, Dan. We deserve it."
Daniel Trainor Pre Session 5
Hope Dan made it through the night without too much pain
Will prescribe anti depressant if necessary
The outer door opened and Jordan pushed the wheelchair in.
"Morning, Mrs. Busby," Danny smiled. "This is Jordan."
"And how are you both on this beautiful morning?" Mrs. B asked, already knowing the answer by the gleam in the two boy's eyes.
"Fine," Danny answered and Jordan smiled, ruffling Danny's hair.
Dr. Meadows invited them in and watched as Danny used his braces to scoot from his chair to the sofa.
"How are you this morning?"
"Fine," Danny replied, his smile finally reaching his eyes.
"Were you able to relax last night, Dan? You were troubled when you left."
Danny blushed. "Yes, Jordan helped me relax."
Dr. Meadows laughed. "Okay, I can see that."
"I think Danny may have a handle on this now, Dr. Meadows," Jordan said.
"How so?"
Danny spoke up. "Jordy explained to me that I may have been wanting the feelings that 'he' made me feel but I was too young to want or even know what it was he wanted me to do."
"That's right, Dan. Do you still feel dirty about it?"
"A little but every time I say it out loud, every time someone tells me it wasn't me; I didn't do anything wrong, I feel a little cleaner. Jordy's promised to tell me every day and every night until it doesn't matter any more."
"That's right, Dan. Every time you hear yourself say it wasn't your fault; you had no control over what he did, you will begin to forgive yourself. Let me ask you one last time, did you feel anything sexual towards Michael?"
"No."
"Did you in any way invite him to do what he did?"
Danny sat still for a moment. "No, I don't think so."
"Excellent. You're on your way, Dan."
Jordan leaned over and hugged Danny, whispering, "Told ya."
"I have two suggestions for you today.......make it homework, if you will. First, I'd like you to tell your parents about Michael. It will be another chance to let you forgive yourself when they tell you it wasn't your fault."
"I can do that," Danny said quietly. "They always love me. Yes, I can do that. It was Jordy that had me scared."
"But Jordy doesn't blame you."
"No," Danny smiled into those green eyes, "Jordy doesn't blame me at all."
"Second, and this may be difficult, I want you to think hard about walking. There is no medical reason you can't walk. Why do you think you have not walked all these years?"
Jordan rubbed his back softly.
"I think," Danny murmured, "Maybe I wouldn't let myself. If I walked, I would be that little boy again. The one who invited the pain."
"Yes, Dan. Do you want to be that little boy?"
"NO!"
"How can you never be that little boy again?"
"By walking?"
Jordan smiled.
Daniel Trainor Post Session 5
Note*Jordan should be assigned to all my depression cases
Dan seems to be accepting that he was guiltless..that there was no provocation for the attack..he will have to work his way through the residual pain but that will just take time and patience. He promises to call his parents this weekend~that will help
Terry will keep me informed of his therapy progress ~ hopefully it will increase rapidly now that he won't hold back
Final Mystery:
Why is he in Portland and Jordan in NC ~ Jordan is his support system ~ together they are strong ~ Question for next session
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