Julien
by Engor
Chapter 73
The room in which Aldegard's Inner Council met offered both seclusion and a comfortable environment in which major decisions could be taken. It held a massive low table on which large files could be spread and the sort of comfortable chairs that would have seemed at home in an upmarket club for English Gentlemen.
Julien was there, along with Aldegard, Tahlil, Tannder and Master Subadar. Xarax was there too, clinging to a piece of carving and taking in everything that was said.
"My Lords," began Aldegard, "we have a serious problem: we have to eliminate the threat of the contents of the storehouse found by Nandak, and we have to do it quickly. Burying it would solve nothing, because sooner of later some cretin or other would start digging for it. I think that the only proper solution would be to seek the help of a Neh-kyong. And that, to the best of our knowledge, can only be done by the Emperor."
"The Emperor would like to remind you that he hasn't got the remotest idea as to how to do that," Julien pointed out. "When I met Tchenn Ril, he came to me, not vice versa."
"Naturally. But Master Subadar knows how to do it, and he'll be able to teach you."
"Then wouldn't it be better if Master Subadar simply did it himself?"
"That's not possible, My Lord."
"I knew you were going to say that!"
"Master Subadar certainly has the knowledge. He's got the Gift and the Power, too. What he hasn't got is the Legitimacy."
Julien sighed. "Let me guess," he said. "I'm the one who has the Legitimacy?"
"Yes, My Lord. It entitles you to sign a covenant in the name of the whole of the R'hinz."
"And naturally I can't authorise Master Subadar to act on my behalf."
"No, My Lord! Such an idea..."
"It's all right, Aldegard, I was only joking."
In reality, since he had got back to Aleth two hours earlier Julien felt sure he would never be able to joke about anything again. Everyone around him could see that something was wrong, but nobody knew what. Xarax, of course, had witnessed the whole argument, but he had been unable to intervene, and now it was completely out of the question that he should be so indiscreet as to tell anyone about it. He'd also steered well clear of the subject during the brief time that they were alone in their kang while Julien changed out of his ceremonial hatik and into the ordinary abba he normally wore inside Bakhtar Tower.
"Master Subadar," Julien continued, "I think it would be best to make a start as soon as possible."
"Indeed, My Lord. We can start tomorrow. And while I help you to remember how to summon a Neh-kyong, Lord Tahlil and Master Tannder can make the necessary preparations."
"Preparations?"
"Yes, My Lord," said Tannder. "The storehouse is in an area between Ksantir and Kardenang, and it's virtually inaccessible by land. We'll need a flybubble to get there. And of course we'll need the formal agreement of the local First Lord before a Neh-kyong can annex part of his territory."
"I assume I can count on you to deal with that, Lord Tahlil?" asked Julien.
"Yes, My Lord. Not that I think Lord Niil will have any objections."
"No, I'm sure he won't. But I suggest you leave it until tomorrow. We need to give him time to recover from the shock of the trial and to get used to the thought of his new responsibilities."
The kang seemed strangely empty. Only Dillik was still with Julien, and fortunately he was too engrossed in his strange relationship with Xarax to notice Julien's black mood.
The chime that announced the arrival of a visitor rang out and Karik came in pushing a trolley that held the evening meal. Usually it was the Bakhtar house servants who performed this role, and so Julien looked quizzically at Karik, who smiled apologetically.
"Master Tannder is about to leave for Dvârinn, so he told me that I could come and keep you company for the meal – if that's all right with you, of course."
Julien really wasn't in the mood for company: he'd have been happier staying on his own and wallowing in his misery. But he was well-brought up and had a natural tendency to care about the feelings of other people.
"Thank you," he said. "I'd be happy for you to stay for a bit. I'm more or less on my own – Dillik doesn't count, because he and Xarax are off in their exclusive little world most of the time. I've got no idea what they talk about, but it seems to be absolutely fascinating for both of them."
"Xarax is teaching me to play Territories in my head," called Dillik from the adjoining room. "Well... actually it's in his head... or maybe I should say ours... anyway, it's really interesting. But I don't mind coming to keep you company too if you want."
Julien couldn't help smiling. "No, it's fine," he said. "Karik's here now. But if you want to eat you need to come and help to lay the table."
Dillik came into the room, followed by a brightly-glowing Xarax, who was playfully reproducing the complicated pattern of the carpet on his scales as he made his way across it. Julien thought that the haptir's relationship with Dillik was definitely good for him.
"It seems odd, Niil and Ambar not being here, doesn't it?" commented Dillik.
"We'll get used to it," said Julien.
"So – they're not coming back?"
"Well, Niil is First Lord of the Ksantiris now. He's got a lot on his plate."
"Yes, but you've got loads of work, too, and you still manage to get back here to sleep most of the time. I'm sure that Aïn could sort something out if you asked him – he and his friends could fix it to bring Niil and Ambar back whenever they want. That'd be really good. And then Ambar would be able to go on studying with us, too – I'm sure he doesn't want to change his tutor. Master Tannder is strict, but we all really like him, don't we, Karik?"
"Yes. I like him very much. But I think you should eat, rather than just sitting there spouting hot air. I'm sure Julien and Niil have already discussed it, and it takes time to sort everything out."
It sounded as if Karik suspected that all was not well – after all, he didn't have a Xarax to distract him. And at the end of the meal he said, "Would you mind if I slept here tonight? I don't want to be a nuisance, but... well, I feel a little lonely."
Julien was surprised, because he'd never heard Karik make that sort of request before. Usually he shared Niil's bed, but he always waited for an invitation before doing so. As for Dillik, he generally started out just sleeping with Xarax, and only came to share the others' bed if he had to get up in the night, or occasionally just for a bit of fun in the morning. Julien had no wish to console himself for Ambar's absence in anyone else's arms, even those of a friend like Karik, and so he was about to refuse. But Karik got in first.
"Please?" he said. "I won't bother you. I just don't want to sleep on my own."
Julien understood that.
"Then of course you can sleep with me," he said. "I'd be glad of the company."
Julien was even more exhausted by the day's events than he had thought, and he fell asleep as soon as he was in bed. But he didn't make it though the night: he woke up from a confused but unpleasant dream quite some time before dawn, and as soon as he was awake he felt a great wave of the blackest despair he had even known sweep over him. The loss of Niil's friendship, the apparently permanent separation from Ambar, the complete shambles of trying to live a life which wasn't his own and his acute awareness that he wasn't what people wanted him to be all combined into a situation of complete, irreparable chaos from which there seemed to be no escape. Never in his short life had he been confronted with such a hopeless situation. And what made it worse was the fact that he had nobody to blame but himself. If Niil had rejected him it was because he had driven him to it. Never before had he had a friend as close as Niil, and what had he done? He'd played the Emperor and landed his friend with a fate that he loathed. And at the same time he'd lost Ambar, who was something even more special, and whose absence left a gaping hole in Julien's heart.
And so here, in the depths of the night when he was at his most defenceless, Julien encountered the black demons that lurk in the recesses of the human mind and which can drive from the soul every vestige of light and hope. Who can withstand their evil black breath?
He got out of bed as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Karik, who was sleeping on his back on top of the sheet in order to offer himself to the caress of the warm summer night air. Without even looking at his friend's sleeping form Julien went out onto the balcony of the kang's main room and leaned over the parapet. The towers of Aleth shone with a soft light, some close at hand, some a long way away, each displaying its own shade of colour which constantly changed subtly in harmony with the colours of its closest neighbours. But although Julien had come to love this beautiful spectacle, tonight it left him cold. Only the dizzying void spoke to him, the void that led down the vast distance to the granite slabs that formed the esplanade at the base of the tower. It spoke silently, without words, promising the blissful oblivion of nothingness. The jump could be achieved easily and painlessly, and it offered the only escape from the suffering of a pointless existence filled only with absence and loneliness, and the only way to evade the shame of having acted on the advice of his Councillors 'For the good of Dvârinn' without questioning whether he had the right to govern the destiny of those he had claimed to love against their will. There was no question that he'd done the wrong thing. He'd pretended to be the Emperor, and as a result he had hurt those closest to him. And if he tried to be the Emperor again he was sure to mess it up again and hurt other people, because he was blind, and he could only...
"Julien?" Karik's arm was locked around his waist. "Come down. It's dangerous there."
Julien realised that he was actually sitting on the parapet, his feet dangling over the abyss, in exactly the position adopted by someone about to slip noiselessly into a swimming pool. His face was drenched with tears.
"Come on," said Karik gently. "I'm too hot, too. Let's go and have a shower and then get back to bed – all right?"
Julien allowed himself to be bathed, rinsed and dried by Karik, who was tactful enough not to ask questions. Then they went back to bed, and Julien raised no objection when Karik snuggled against him so that he could fall asleep knowing that, in Karik's gentle, undemanding arms, he wasn't alone after all.
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