As They Say

by D K Daniels

Entry 17

This story takes place in Ireland, my homeland. Some words and uses of words may be unfamiliar. I'll list them below and explain them as best as I can.

Shift - Shift is another word for to kiss someone.

31st May 1991

You know I wonder what that book was Ross held writing in yesterday. Does he keep a diary too? That would be universally weird right; the boy next door that I adore keeps a journal just like me. Though I have no prior knowledge of such a notebook or if it is, in fact, a diary. Speaking of journals, I'm about halfway through this. I should ask mam to pick me up another one. But don't think for one minute that I'm abandoning you; you have been here at the most awkward juncture of my entire life. All previous journals have never come close to the contents which are stored in this diary. I think you're my most important one; so when I finished all your pages I won't to seal you up in a box in the attic, I promise.

And it's official I couldn't help but poke and prod at my dad. The shelves he put up in the shed fell down. I found it ironic; It's funny, I remember the time he put up the shelf in the sitting room above the sofa. I never felt safe afterwards sitting on the sofa after they were mounted. Instead I always just went over to the other armchair in the corner of the room. Though the shelf is still clinging to the wall, it didn't fall, but I'd say it's in its last days. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do today, I mean I didn't want to go next door to Ross because I felt weird about yesterday. I didn't exactly know what to say to him even if I did go next-door. I felt comfortable about the whole plausible conversation that was presumably going to take place. I mean, I tried to talk about it last night, and it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped; that silence killed me. The anticipation was there in my chest; I was assuming he was going to say we can be friends anymore. Thank God he didn't; he just remained unusually quiet and seemed to be accepting about the moment.

So, I helped mam around for a little bit just cleaning up mostly. I guess you could say I was using it as an excuse to escape Ross. I was content cleaning the house, I mean I've no idea what is wrong with me, but that seemed like the most reasonable decision my brain made at the time. After lunch, though Ross knocked, he was all happy and shy and bashful. I was unaware of this little visitation; as naïve as I was I just ran to the door figuring it was possibly a news salesman or some religious freak babbling on about why you need Jesus in your life. Though for some weird reason, I think I would've preferred one of those guys, of course, they are extraordinarily annoying, but I felt excruciatingly nervous. I should've just kept my clothes on or just sat on the beach and protested to the guys that that is not cool. Though my perverted adolescent brain knew no order of balance; all I could think of was how all of us were going to be in the water naked together.

But anyway he just stood there at the door and smiled bashfully. I must've looked like a fool from his angle. I stood there plain as day unmoving, and a series of butterflies swarmed around my stomach. It was my mam that had come to the door and said, "are you going to invite him in." I glanced back at her, and I became sheepish. Now don't get me wrong, I love having Ross around; he's adorable- he's cute, and in every sense of the word perfect. So today it felt different, I felt like I couldn't exactly handle him. I know this sounds horrible to write here, but I tried ever so hard to come off as happy when I wasn't exactly happy to see him. Right well, that sounds worse than it actually seemed. I've written this entire entry in pencil, and I can't rub it out. Though I don't want to scribble it out either because that makes everything look messy, and on top of that I don't think I want to scribble it out. This book is the only place I can be honest, and well that's how I felt, why should I filter how I'm feeling. Nevermind anyway I smiled, and I was overzealous for the most part. I invited him in, offered him a drink and tried to make awkward gossip.

The worst part is, I think that he could sense it. Well... I believe he did. He was happy, that's the sensation I got from them anyway. Though when he saw that I was trying maybe a little too hard, his confidence dwindled. The happiness that he was displaying turned to a trickle. Now that I write this, I feel even worse because I'm not sure if I put them in a bad mood or anything.

The little scratching sound in the back of my head keeps on saying he saw me naked. I taught I would've been more embarrassed, but I'm not. It's not the shy awkwardness of what happened yesterday that's bothering me. It's the elephant in the room scenario type deal; we know something needs to be discussed, but neither one of us is willing to start the topic on hand. Ross stayed for about 20 minutes and left. Sure I felt sad watching go, but deep down a part of me felt relief that he was going. I knew it wouldn't be forever, and I don't understand why am feeling like this now, but I taught it would give me some more time to think of what to say to him. Maybe by tomorrow, I'll think of something because I still haven't figured out what to say to him; and I don't like dragging things out because it doesn't get anybody anywhere. All it does is make people miserable, leaves them sitting at the edge of their seat, and a sickening feeling is brought on by panic and worry which is a stress nobody wants to have.

About an hour later I finished with my mam. I decided to go for a cycle on my own. I didn't go to see Carl, Eli or any of the boys in general. I just needed some time to clear my head. I decided to go to the castle considering it is the most secluded place I know of, and I'll have some privacy or least I taught. There I was sitting on the grass overlooking the lake- enjoying the solitude of the birds cawing and the duck quacking.

It was happiness on earth for the moment nevertheless; the sun was beaming down my face. I could feel like I was being absorbed up into the sky. I wish it could've lasted forever. My eyes were closed, and I was contemplating when I had heard a twig snap. Glancing over my shoulder, I swing my head around to see what the source of the sound was. Someone was on the dirt track at the side of the castle. When I called out, "who's there?" There was this eerie silence for a couple of seconds until a girls voice called out, "it's me, Adam." And then Emma came out from between the bushes. Now here I was- in this secluded spot with a girl who obviously fancies me, and I'd totally- would not shift her if my life depended on it. That's beside the point, but I felt so exposed, it was just sitting out there, and she had followed me. It felt a little creepy; I was a bit shocked or least I taught I was. She came closer to me, and she honestly noticed I was looking a little sad and gloomy even.

The closer she drew the more sceptical and quizzical her face got. Until she got so close that she asked, "are you okay." I just sighed, picked up a couple of blades of grass and let them fumble about my lap. I wasn't in the mood for her or her little flirtatious chases. I so badly wanted to be left alone, but she sat down beside me. While we were sitting there, I kept harbouring on about the idea that suddenly she would just lean across- grapple my shoulders and forced her tongue into my mouth. Though she didn't, and I was grateful for that. I think I'm even a little bit more understanding of her situation. I usually find her annoying, but she was okay today; I opened up to her a bit, and she opened up to me. She said that she was out cycling, ironically. And caught sight of me and decided to follow. I'm not too sure whether to believe her, but oh well whatever. It was good to talk to her; I can't believe I'm saying that, but honestly, it was.

I could feel it in the air; this is nervous anticipation coming from her. I got the impression she wanted me to like her desperately, and I was trying to be friendly to her, and for once I was kind to her. I'm not sure if that has helped my cause anymore, but I hope she understands that she's overbearing sometimes. She kept on track with whatever I was saying. Everything was serious at first; we traded mostly one-worded answers, questions. As time dragged forward, we began to have a full conversation.

She would occasionally giggle and laugh at something I said, and numbingly it made me feel better. On some weird sceptical level, I felt happy that I was making her laugh. I couldn't explain it, but when I looked over at her, I kept thinking she was pretty. The way her hair fell; the way her eyelashes fluttered every time she smiled. Her smile gave me this queasy feeling in my stomach. I know that the both of us have never seen eye to eye as such. And don't judge me when I say that I wouldn't mind sitting down with just her again and talking. She seemed interesting; in a way, I had never perceived her before. Most times I'm just struggling to try and avoid her. Then when I took the time to get to know her, I felt good and a little vulnerable.

There was a moment when she said, "you're not like other boys are you?" I'm not sure what she meant by that, but then again, I don't even know whether I qualify as an ordinary boy. I mean in some weird instincts I feel this gravitational pull guiding me to Ross, yet the same time I felt this warm feeling in my chest, and I was a little nervous. Not in a way that I was with Ross. With Ross, I want to make him like me, but with Emma, it's quite clear she likes me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but my head is spinning right now; just even thinking about it. I felt like I belonged. Is that weird... It felt like a jigsaw know, when you plucked up the missing piece, and it fits snugly into its place without your realising.

Compared to Ross; when I'm with him, the emotion feels like climbing Mount Everest. I'm not even sure what love is anymore; do I like him or do I love them, who knows. Or what about Emma, do I want her or do I love her, who knows.

Love and like are to completely idioms. I'm not sure what to even think anymore. The only thing I know is that Ross feels like I have to be there, and the feeling I got with Emma today was well this is where I belong. I'm confused; I don't know who I'm supposed to like. What am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to like someone for what they looked like on the outside or am I supposed to like someone for what's on the inside? Don't ever tell this to Emma; not that you can because your book, but if I were to rate Emma on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd measure her a seven or eight. Ross is a definite 10; though I feel like Emma has more to offer than what Ross could ever provide. I know I'm stupid; I'm not gay, nor straight - so what the fuck am I. Sigh... I should go to bed now; I'm getting a little tired. Today has depleted my energy reserve levels; I've done a lot of thinking. Despite all the brain-numbing fog that's coating my brain from making an accurate call, I enjoyed my time today with Emma. I have to make things right with Ross. I don't want him to slip away. There's no denying that he is adorable and cute and sexy, I just need to find what I am first. Anyway night – Adam.

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