As They Say
by D K Daniels
Entry 15
This story takes place in Ireland, my homeland. Some words and uses of words may be unfamiliar. I'll list them below and explain them as best as I can.
Runners - Sneakers; trainer's footwear.
Welcome To The Family
27th May 1991
Well, today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. After breakfast, I headed over to Carl's; I agreed that I'd help him on the farm. I know it's a weird notion to comprehend, and I wouldn't usually say something like this out loud, though I enjoyed myself- feeding pigs and shovelling horse shit.
Commonly when I see Carl doing something like this I wouldn't be so enthusiastically inclined actually to do it. It felt like I was helpful for the first time in God knows how. I also felt like I had a moment to think about everything that has happened over the last week or two. I know I'm a bit confused and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, all I can do is think about things. And considering I live in the middle of nowhere, all I can do is contemplate. So while I was shovelling horse manure and feeding pigs: there possibly tenth meal that day, I reached a state where I was able to think rationally and with clarity. I think I'm pretty sure now that Ross is trying to flirt with me, I feel like I'm getting a vibe from. Not a bad vibe or a friendly vibe it's like the sort of vibe that, agh… Have no idea how to describe it it's just there. The concept is basically the same as how I feel, it's like he knows who I am and what I'm hiding, yet at the same time, it feels like I know what he is and what he's hiding. Is it possible Ross is gay? I'm not sure if I'm gay- all I know is that I like boys. And that I don't want to bring Ross into the equation he is a different matter entirely; he's just too cute to pass up. I really need to tell him how I feel though, and out of all that time I had to myself this morning, I didn't come up with whatever logical way of telling him how I feel. All I could find was mindful staticness.
Anyway, while we were shovelling; Carl asked while he was wheeling the wheelbarrow in and out to collect the horse shit I was scooping up. "Ross is cool; ain't he." Carl stopped the wheelbarrow short of me and then continued the conversation where we had last stopped everytime he returned. While he rested for a second and let me fill the next batch to the brim he cautiously drove the conversation forward. I said, "yeah he's all right... "
Carl just pivoted his head up and down agreeing with me. Then out of nowhere, he asked, "so what were you guys doing away from the group yesterday?" I began to panic; we weren't doing anything; is all we were doing was chasing each other. As what had started out as me pursuing him so that I could inevitably paintball him out of it; turned into an accident. So I have no idea why I began to panic, but I just did. The way Carl hinted something there... I don't know. Was he trying to pry information out of me? He did catch us in close quarters, but we weren't kissing or touching or anything inappropriate like that. I just froze in the moment, and I guess I couldn't come up with a reasonable excuse; not that we needed one. But I just offered a lame, "paintballing."
Carl chuckled at that, and he just plucked up his next wheelbarrow load and sauntered out the door like it was no big deal. While I stood there apprehensively waiting for his return, I was trying to think up what to say next because I knew that when he came back through the door, he would inevitably repeat it, or drag on about it. I leaned the shovel against the wall, and I started to pace around the room trying to think about what to say. Did Carl know that I was gay; he can't tell right because I don't look at him weird and I hope I'm not looking at him weirdly. Is my glances and admiration for Ross all that noticeable? Does Ross know that I am like him because of the way I'm looking at him? Oh God, what if my mam recognises; what will I do. Why am I said deadset Ross is Gay; he hasn't done anything weird; well there was that statement in the tent and a couple of funny looks but nothing like gay.
When he returned, I felt a lump developing in the back of my throat. It felt like someone had put a rope in their entirely and just began pulling from each end and the tauter it got, the harder it was to breathe. It felt like one of those moments where something was pulsing in my throat even though I wasn't talking or anything. One of those moments when I was home sick from school because of the throat infection. I think Carl could sense the vibe in the room, but as I began to fill the next shipment of horse manure cautiously, he took his break and pressed on. "So, do you hang out with him a lot?" Carl asked. And I guess if I wasn't petrified by then and he did not pick up on it then he must be genuinely blind because I felt like I was going to faint; what was he trying to insinuate.
I couldn't think of a valid excuse, of all the excuses I could come up with a couldn't think of one. So instead I just scooped faster and flung the crap into the barrow. Under the impression every time the wheelbarrow is full he disappears to empty it. I guess that was my logic reasoning for getting rid of him faster. Then when I filled it to the brim he didn't move he just stood there for a moment and glanced at me. He appeared to be waiting for my response then that's when I remembered that I hadn't given one. Here I was scrounging in agony about how to handle this interaction. I believed I was going to out myself if I said the wrong thing, though Carl accepted this is a reasonable excuse. "Yeah I like having him around; he hasn't got many friends. Besides he lives next door to me, so I guess it's common that we see each other a little bit more."
He pondered for a moment and then picked up the wheelbarrow and then left again. I momentarily was slumping there from relief. I felt like heaven and hell had opened up, and I wasn't too sure which wanted me first. It felt like an interrogation on my behalf, not that I like them, actually scratch that who loves interrogations. Their invasive and never really any good. When Carl returned he let the wheelbarrow go, and it made a large clump sound. The metallic sound ricocheted throughout the room, and I got the impression that he was... I don't know a little bit bothered. But he just carried on with what we set out to do. As another couple of wheelbarrow loads went only a couple of interactions was made between the two of us. And to top it off Carl asked when the very last batch had been piled into the wheelbarrow. At this point, you could practically see the concrete in the stables. "Am I not fun anymore," he asked innocently. He didn't appear to be referencing anything to Ross and me. It was only after he mentioned that- that I finally got clued into the bigger picture. It made sense right. Carl thinks that I'm choosing Ross over him. Though he didn't seem overly mad about the situation, he was just merely asking. I felt bad. I wasn't intentionally trying to ignore him or anything it's just… ugh… Ross is like a once-in-a-lifetime thing. So I just said, "no dude, you're still my best friend. I just feel for him because he has no friends. Plus, please don't tell anyone. But his parents are going through a rough time."
Carl just reflected a moment and then gave me a grateful smile. I haven't seen one of those in so long. It made me feel gooey inside. Like a hot chocolate cookie that has the delicious melted middle. It all made sense now; Carl was just worried about our friendship. Which is kind of cute when you think of it, he's taken our relationship seriously; I admire that about him.
After lunch his dad did what he promised, he took us into town to get a late lunch and then from there we went to Killarney. I didn't know exactly know what me and Carl were going to do for the couple of hours his dad was shopping around town for bits and bobs. He said that he needed to get some parts for a tractor and Carl said he needed to get a new pair of shoes. So I decided I'd follow suit and accompany him getting a new pair of shoes. I couldn't help but feel relaxed; doing nothing other than shopping for glamorous things on a gorgeous day like today. I mean the sun was splitting the trees; I could've been swimming out in the lake or something, but no I felt content spending it with Carl shoe shopping and scooping up shit. We went into shoes galore which is off the main street; the place was swarming with tourists. Nothing unusual there, it just sometimes it feels like it's overbearing considering they are right on your back door. And this is the nearest town for kilometres. So If we wanted to get anything halfway decent, we have to travel there.
While I sat looking at Carl change from one set of shoes to the next, and walk like he was on a runway like a model, I couldn't help but glance around occasionally. I never really noticed this about this town before, but there are people of all different races, nationalities, religions, and ideologies. I felt so grown up for some weird reason; I never noticed it before, but I seem to see it now. When I just think that I'm diverse; I realise that there are millions more than me who are quite more varied. It made me wonder that if I'm like this and possibly Ross, then that means there could be a lot more people like Ross and me.
I can't help but wonder how many people there are; it doesn't matter what colour your skin colour is or whether you're a man or a woman, boy or girl. What happens if you're a girl that likes another girl or you're a boy that wants another boy; does that make you different to the rest of the world. I guess so, that's the only little thing that's different from everybody. Actually, scratch that out Adam; nobody has nothing in common, everybody is different in some way or another. I think many people look at whats on the outside and say that that's a boy that is a girl. But beneath it all, were no more alike than we are apart.
What I'm trying to say is just because you're perceived as being a boy or girl doesn't mean you're naturally expected to be a boy or a girl or whether you're supposed to like what the world tells you you're supposed to like. The way I see it, I think Boys and Girls should like whoever they want. It is like selecting your favourite type of music or your favourite colour. Right… it has to be because it's a lot more complicated than that because no one person likes the same music; the only thing that everybody has in common is our bodies. Well minus the mickey and vagina, other than that everyone is theoretically known as the same. I can't explain it, but I was like in a state of wow for the rest of the day. I couldn't care what shoes Carl got; I was more in-depth about what was going on around me, rather than what's happening with just me. I wonder how awful it would feel, feeling trapped in a body you don't feel like you belong in. Because that's how I feel, I feel like I shouldn't be this way but it just won't leave me alone.
Anyway, I guess the rest of the news is just mediocre; Carl got his cool new runners, and we called it quits after we got back to his house. Come to think of it I haven't done you know what the in a while. Considering I'm going to have an early night tonight, I think it's probably best for everyone. So, with that I'm going to settle down for the night; play with myself and hopefully fall asleep. Then tomorrow I'm going to meet with Ross and tell him how much I adore him – well night Adam.
28th May 1991
Great news to start this diary entry with, but I said what the hell I might as well tell the diary anyway because you're my like best friend I guess. Well; you know, you get to know all my secrets just because I can't tell Carl all these gay things I'm feeling, so I might as well put it here... Great, I'm talking to a book again. Okay anyway, let's just get on with it – my aunt Stephanie had a baby boy at 4:30 in the morning today. So I didn't get to meet with Ross today so to speak; I would've so much more enjoyed being with Ross today, but then again I can't exactly- not show up for the new family member. Couldn't she not just kept her legs closed for an extra day or something, I would've been able to possibly tell Ross how I feel about him but now anything that I've built up feels like it's come tumbling down like a pile of bricks.
So while I was at the hospital because that's where I ended up; and I only got back about an hour ago; mam wanted to stay in the hospital the entire day just to see this baby being born. I mean what's so interesting about it, yeah a new human has been born; what's so wonderful about that. I mean there are thousands of births a day; why should that one be any more exciting. Okay, that sounds a little harsh; I'm not like that, I don't want to be like that. I'm not trying to be mean here or anything It just got so worked up from last night after I went to bed. I felt like I was ready to say something to Ross. Even if it wasn't like hey I love you Ross, or I caved and told him something entirely different which was entirely off the concept of what I wanted to say to him, I guess that would've been great too. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on a baby; that's a new sort of low. He was cute – the baby though not Ross. Though Ross is lovely too but talking about the baby, he was this chubby little wreak of happiness. His skin looked so raw; why was he so red looking. And most of the time he was just sleeping, so I didn't even get to see him awake. On top of that and Stephanie was a little exhausted and a bit grouchy. Yeah, I'd be probably a bit cranky if I pushed that thing out of me too…
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow; like after last night, I started to feel like I could do it like standing in front of my mirror. I was practically telling myself that I could just go down there first thing in the morning; knock on his door, and when he opens the door I'd tell them that I love him. And then he would probably most likely be quiet, and then my heart would be heard in my chest beating like a beat-up clunker of a machine. Even the thought of it right now is making my knees go weak, and I'm sitting down... sigh.
Anyway, so and Stephanie named the boy Brandon. Which is a cool name I guess, maybe next time I go see the little dude he will be awake? I'm gonna try and get some sleep because I was up late last night after I did my thing. I couldn't help myself I had some impure thoughts about Ross. I was doing it, and then he popped into my head and then one thing led to another and then I started using my spit on my hands as a lubricant and then things got a little carried away. I began to slur and whisper his name I guess; like I wished that he was here in the room with me. And when I came, I felt terrible for even using him like that. Anyway, I should go now before my mam says I'm too loud or something. I mean loud- as in making racket not jerking off. Okay good at least I cleared that up, good night - Adam.
The End of Entry 15
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