Finding Tim
A Fourth Alternate Reality
by Charlie
With editorial assistance from Dix and John
Virus
We didn't know it at the time, but the flood of 1981 was not the low point of the year. Our awareness began slowly. As we in North Dakota were cleaning up from the flood, readers of the New York Times, in New York and across the country, read an article by Dr. Lawrence Altman titled, "Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals." Doctors, mostly in New York and San Francisco, were seeing numbers of homosexual patients with Kaposi's Sarcoma, a rare skin cancer. The rate was vastly higher among homosexual men than could be accounted for by random probability. But Kaposi's Sarcoma wasn't contagious, and no one knew why homosexual men seemed to get it at a rate vastly higher than normal.
Looking back it's amazing how prescient that article was. It said, "Cancer is not believed to be contagious, but conditions that might precipitate it, such as particular viruses or environmental factors, might account for an outbreak among a single group." It noted that one researcher "had tested nine of the victims and found severe defects in their immunological systems. The patients had serious malfunctions of two types of cells called T and B cell lymphocytes, which have important roles in fighting infections and cancer."
We were so busy that summer recovering from the flood that we weren't aware of Altman's article, nor of the notices coming from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC, an acronym we were to become all too familiar with) in Atlanta, which told pretty much the same story. Sometime that fall, however, Dick and Jeff mailed us a photocopy of the New York Times article. They were not much a part of the "gay scene" in Detroit, but they had a few friends who were. That fall gay men in many of the urban centers of the country began to be aware of "the gay disease." At this point, it was a New York and California phenomenon, but that would soon change. The wiser heads in gay centers everywhere began to take notice.
Tim and I, especially Tim, were among the "wiser heads." We recognized that this was an issue that might very well affect the Gang as a group and each of the couples in it individually. All of us were gay or bisexual in our relationships, and could possibly be at risk. Who knew? In 1981 the answer to that question was very simple, no one knew.
As fall turned to winter Tim and I chatted about this new disease, now being called The Gay Disease and decided that it was time to gather the Gang together and talk. We debated just collecting the folks in Grand Forks, but decided that we should go wider and invite all of the Gang except Tina and Merle who hadn't been sexually involved with us; well, Merle hadn't and Tina was a long time ago.
Talk of The Gay Disease had touched everyone except Paul and Amanda, who were way up north in an area in which gay concerns simply never reached the surface. But, upon being called by us on the phone, they decided that they should be part of the discussion. They had, indeed, been sexually involved with the Detroiters. We gathered in Grand Forks right after Christmas in 1981. It was a delight to gather everybody together, even if the reason was somber. Unlike other gay groups, however, the disease, and the death it often entailed, hadn't penetrated our group. We did feel that we were outside the danger zone; but who knew? Again, that awful answer, no one knew.
We gathered at Dakota House. Tim decided that we should invite the Circle as well. We knew they were gay and sexually active, though we weren't sure just who was active with whom. It didn't matter, we knew they were responsible adults, and had the right to know as much as possible about a health issue that might very well affect them. Furthermore, two of them, Toppy and Murray, had been sexually involved with some members of the Gang. That was a point we didn't want to miss.
After a lot of talking and sharing of the little that we knew-the little that anyone knew-Ronnie rose to speak. Ronnie, Sharon and Kyle were the scientists among us, and I think that Ronnie elected himself as the science spokesperson because he was the member of the original Gang and therefore better known and perhaps better respected. His remarks, in substantially abbreviated form were:
"OK, let's talk about what we know and what the reasonable conclusions are:
"First, an unexplainable number of gay men are sick and dying.
"Second, while up to now it's mostly affected gay men, others are reported to be involved.
"Third, the disease seems to affect the immune system, particularly B- and T-cells.
"Fourth, it's been suggested that the disease is contagious; not that the presenting cancers are contagious, but that some underlying factor, such as a virus, is contagious.
"Finally, and this is simply my personal conclusion, we should probably consider this a sexually transmitted disease.
"I'm not willing to buy into the idea that it is somehow caused by homosexuality, and certainly not into the idea that it is some kind of punishment being meted out to homosexuals. However, clearly it is loose in the homosexual community, and it may, in fact, turn out that some form or forms of homosexual sex are more conducive to transmitting the disease than typical heterosexual sex. In other words what gay people do that heterosexuals generally don't do may be involved in spreading the disease. That points to both oral and anal sex."
Someone pointed out that straights engaged in oral sex as well as gays.
"True, but I think to a lesser extent. But I guess that might point more strongly to anal sex than oral sex as a means of transmission."
He sat down, and we all sat silently contemplated what he had said. Years later, public health experts, if they could've heard his presentation, would've been amazed. He was almost exactly on the mark. And this was 1981. Of course, we had no idea at the time just how accurate he was, but we had a tendency to trust Ronnie's analysis.
Tim said, "OK, Ronnie, what does this mean, no sex until we know more?"
Ronnie said, "I'm not ready for that, are you?"
I said, "I don't want Kaposi's Sarcoma or any other part of The Gay Disease either."
"If we're right...."
"If YOU are right," Sharon said, "but I think you're pretty close to the truth."
"If I'm right, and this is a sexually transmitted disease, we're only in danger if our sexual partners have the disease or carry the underlying factor that causes the disease. Considering the level of sexual activity in the Gang, it would seem to me that if one of us was infected, we all would be by now. And somebody would be showing symptoms. It think it's reasonable to assume that whatever it is is not loose in the Gang."
Tim said, "Or in the Circle, the same facts apply to them."
Ronnie said, "Absolutely correct. Now, we ought to think about sex partners we may have had outside the Gang, say over the past three or four years."
Franklin said, "OK, folks. No secrets here. We need to go around the room and each of us talk about sex outside the Gang. Think carefully, and don't be shy. This might be a life and death matter."
I said, "I'm trying to think of dates. We've recently had sex with Lenny and Sal; I don't know if they've had any other partners. I guess I ought to talk to them and ask. It could be a little embarrassing."
Franklin said, "They have a right to know everything that was said here, and to know the extent of the Gang's activity. They need to make reasonable decisions about their own sexual activity."
Tim said, "You're right Franklin."
I said, "Tim and I've had sex with Tor and Vlad, but not since Montreal, and that's way longer ago than the time frame we're talking about. We've had other partners, but even longer ago than Tor and Vlad."
Tim said, "Don't forget Chrissy and Orville, in about the same timeframe."
Billy spoke up next. He fooled us with, "Well, there's a couple in Bloomington; they're both on the faculty. We've played Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice with them. Fairly often, in fact. I'm not sure how it got started. I think it actually grew out of a conversation about the movie. In any case, they made it very clear that they had never played around before, and I believe them. We did tell them all about the Gang, leaving out names, and especially yours Tim. I didn't think they needed that information."
The older generation all maintained that their sexual exploits outside of their own marriages were limited to the Gang, except for the summer of Toppy and Murray. Sam sort of summed it up, "I don't know where I'd start to look for other partners. I'd be too embarrassed to talk about it outside of the Gang."
Franklin and Phil admitted to a couple of incidents of very anonymous sex in Fargo. It was a couple of years ago, and we had no choice but to assume that no disease had passed. There was no way, at this point, to check.
We went around the room and it turned out that none of the other Gang members had ventured outside the Gang for sexual gratification in the last few years. We turned to the Circle. All said either, "No," or "Not since high school," and we decided that there were no issues there.
Phil took the floor and said, "It seems to me that we simply agree to limit sex to the Gang, and probably Lenny and Sal, and Billy and Sara's friends in Indiana. Chrissy and Orville can be inside the loop provided they've been, er, chaste. If not, they better be off limits for a while."
"It doesn't look like this is going to be a problem for many of us. What about you and Franklin?"
"We weren't particularly happy with our flings in Fargo. That's why they didn't continue. We'll have no trouble limiting ourselves to the Gang."
Tim turned to the Circle members, "I don't think this is the time to talk about taking down the barriers between the Circle and the Gang. We appreciate your honesty tonight, and will appreciate your discretion about what you've heard tonight. But there's a faculty-student boundary between our groups, and I wouldn't want today's conversation to be the basis for ignoring it."
Toppy replied, "I think I'm speaking for all nine of us. We appreciate your including us in all of this. Clearly any sexually active gay man is at risk today. We learned a lot that's very important. We'll talk, but I'm sure that we're going to decide that there's no sex outside the Circle."
Jerry asked, "For how long to these limits apply? Forever?"
Ronnie said, "We don't know. I have to believe that this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better; that's pretty true of epidemics. As it gets worse there's going to be a lot of research. They're going to learn a lot. They may learn how to cure it, or prevent it. Who knows? I think we follow the rules we've agreed to here until the scientific community is in agreement and we conclude that a different set of rules is called for: those could be either more or less restrictive. No one knows the timeframe."
By springtime, GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) was in the news. It was hard to sort out the sense from the nonsense, but everyone could tell that Ronnie was right, it was going to get a lot worse before it got better. Back then, spring of 1982, we had no idea just how much worse!
Sometime that spring Tim and I were engaged in pillow talk as we drifted off to sleep. I said, "Tim, since all this business about GRID, there seems to have been a lot less sex within the Gang."
"Well, as least as far as you and I are concerned. We really don't know about the others, except that they haven't involved us."
I thought for a minute and responded, "If much is going on, it's likely in Gangland. I wonder how much use it's getting these days."
Tim smiled and said, "Let's spend the next couple of nights there and find out."
We did. The next night we slept at Gangland, and weren't disturbed. As we climbed into bed Tim looked around the room at all of the interesting portraits and said, "What an inspiration. I think I'd like to fuck you tonight."
"Great. Do you want me on my back or front?"
"What's your preference?"
"I like kissing you, so on my back."
I was standing by the bed as I said that and I found myself being jerked into the bed, flipped over on my back, and my legs shoved up over my head. Tim didn't look all that strong, especially considering how little he was, but he was in terrific shape and was, in reality, as strong as an ox. He had moved me to where I was with so little effort it was like he was flipping a pancake.
The next thing I knew his mouth and tongue were all over me and soon driving into my ass. This was soon replaced by fingers and then his dick. Slam, bam, thank you ma'am; he was deep inside and grabbing me for a kiss that penetrated almost as deeply. He held me there a while, and then started pumping in and out. It didn't take either of us long, and before we knew it we had drifted into a contented sleep.
We weren't bothered by visitors that evening, but decided to come back the next evening and reverse roles.
You guessed it! I had just entered Tim and was prepared to bang away at him pretty hard when the buzzer in Gangland sounded. Tim grinned and said, "Stay inside me. When you come to Gangland you take your chances; let's see who it is."
It was Ronnie and Sharon. Ronnie surveyed the room, and our rather interesting position, and said, "We're in luck. We get to see a show before we put one on. Go for it, Charlie."
Tim mimicked, "Go for it Charlie."
I did go for it. With that invitation I went for it hard, banging into him as hard as I think I ever had. Tim and I had learned that while we didn't ordinarily get too rough with our sex, we liked it when we did it. So I had no hesitation treating him pretty roughly, and he did, in fact, like it. He came first, squirting his cum out between us. I followed soon after. He pushed me out and grabbed my head, forcing it down onto his belly and into all of his cum. He was as rough as I had been, and I'll have to admit it was fun. When we were finally exhausted and lying on the bed Sharon said, "That's a tough act to follow, and I'm not sure I really want to be banged up that much. Did you guys really enjoy that?"
Tim grinned, "Well, it's not our norm, but, yes, we really did enjoy that."
Sharon said, "Kyle's at home with Kevin and Kay. We're meeting two or three from the foursome here. They'll leave someone at home to babysit as well. We meet here about once a week. With the kids it seems to work better to meet here. We trade off the babysitting."
Sure enough, in about five minutes the buzzer went off and thirty seconds later Andy, Jim and Kara walked in. Amy was home with their kids. We learned that she was selected because they had just learned that she was pregnant and she had decided to limit sex to their little family till the baby came. I think that all of them might have stayed home, except that they already had the date with Ronnie and Sharon.
Tim and I were still naked on the bed, and Ronnie and Sharon were in the process of shedding their clothes. The newcomers joined that process right away. Andy said, "Is that shower big enough for seven of us?"
I said, "There's one way to find out. Tim and I certainly need a shower."
Ronnie said, "Wait a minute. Sex first. The smell coming off you two is enticing. Give us all a big hug, and then join in as you feel like it. We'll all shower afterwards."
With that Ronnie gave me a full body hug and kiss, and then moved down my chest licking Tim's cum. It was soon a free-for-all, ending with Ronnie, Andy and Jim on the bed together. Jim said, "I guess this is gay night."
Sharon said, "Suits Kara and me, and the two girls began hugging and soon were wrestling on the floor. Tim and I just sat and watched. The girls got into a sixty-nine position on the rug, while the three boys squirmed around until each was sucking a dick. You might call it a 696 or a 969 position. It seemed clear that this wasn't the first time they had organized themselves like that.
Then Sharon stood up and said, "Wait, I want to see the five of you do that, say 69696. You'll have to get on the floor. Kara and I would rather have the bed anyway." The boys moved to the floor, brought us into the circle, and we wiggled around, twisting our torsos as needed, until everyone was sucking the next person around the circle.
Kara said, "Go for it boys." And we did. Ronnie, Andy and Jim were plenty horny and came well ahead of Tim and me. Andy had me in his mouth and Ronnie had Tim. Both were patient and gave us the extra time needed for the second orgasm of the evening.
Ronnie summed up the experience with, "It's fun sucking Tim. I can get the whole thing in without it jamming down my throat."
I said, "You need to try Lennie."
"Lennie? Why Lennie?"
"Smallest dick around."
"Does it bother him?"
"I think it used to, but he's come to terms with it. It doesn't bother Sal. I think he'd love to get a call from someone who was attracted to a small dick. Call him up."
"I think I will. Where does he stand on GRID?"
"They've been exclusive, except within the Gang-and I think pretty much only Tim and me. They are as safe as we are, and you didn't seem very worried tonight."
"It's worrying, but I think the conclusion we reached is correct: either we're safe, or it's too late. In either case, I don't see how locking the door to Gangland would improve anyone's chances. Besides, it's a good way to go."
As the full force of The Gay Disease, or GIRD, hit the society, that kind of gallows humor would become inappropriate. At this point in time, none of us knew anyone who had been infected by the disease, nor did we yet know anyone who knew anyone who had been infected. That would change!
The shower in Gangland is more of a room than a stall. There was plenty of room for the seven of us, though there were only four shower heads. We kept moving, touching, soaping, soaking, and playing. We were soon clean and rinsed. Tim and I headed for the bed; the other five needed to get back to their homes and their partners for the night. We all kissed goodbye and soon Tim and I were alone.
But not for long. At 12:30 the buzzer sounded and we looked up to see who would be coming in. The thirty seconds passed and Jerry and Sid wandered in. They were totally surprised to find anyone at Gangland, and most especially us. Sid said, "Oops."
Jerry said, "A big oops, I think."
I looked at the two from under my sheet where Tim and I had been in our usual spoon position; they looked a little sheepish. I said, "Why, 'Oops'? Are you planning on doing something that you shouldn't be doing?"
"Not really," said Sid. "Our wives know we're here."
"But you're feeling a little guilty about being caught here, obviously planning a sexual encounter, without your wives-who are obviously at home doing the babysitter gig."
Jerry said, "Yeah, that's about right."
Tim said, "Charlie, why don't you be the Daddy here?"
"Is that because you think I'm better at playing that role, or because you don't have a clue what to say?"
"A little of both."
"What makes you think I know what to say?"
"Oh, most wise one. You always know what to say. Remember, it was something like that back at Camp White Elk that made me fall in love with you."
"You claim you fell in love with me before I opened my mouth."
"Maybe I lied."
"I always thought so!" I turned to Sid and Jerry. "You know, there's nothing to feel guilty about-unless you are actually feeling guilty. If you are, maybe you ought to think why, and maybe that'll change your mind about being here."
Jerry spoke up, "Rationally, I don't feel guilty. But when we walked in and found you two, it made me realize that we were doing something that a lot of people wouldn't approve of. And here we were, caught."
"Tim and I aren't a lot of people. I think we have most of the same sexual values as you two do."
"Yeah, but you aren't married and having sex without your partner."
"No, but we have sex without our partners."
"I guess we were being silly."
"So tell us why you are here, silly or not."
Sid spoke up. "OK, two things fit together to bring us here. First, we both find we like sex more often than our wives do. Second, we like gay sex more than our wives do. When our wives compared notes, they decided they could get us off their backs if they sent us over here to satisfy our urges. It seems to work for all parties."
I said, "But that was your little private secret, and when you walked in on us you realized that you were now going to have to share it."
"That's about it."
"So, you shared it, and now you no longer have to think, oops."
"Right."
"So now all you have to do is decide what you're going to do now that you found us in the bed you were planning on using."
Jerry said, "That's not a problem for us if it's not a problem for you."
Tim said, "Lots of luck. We've each had two orgasms already this evening."
"Are you saying that you're at your limit? Not up for another?"
I said, "I don't think we're saying anything of the kind."
"Good." Jerry took the lead in getting undressed, followed very rapidly by Sid. Soon Sid was climbing in on Tim's side of the bed and Jerry was climbing in on mine. Their hands and tongues were quickly all over us, and we both tried to reciprocate. However, they didn't let up and kept at us. Tim came first, with me not too far behind. Then Sid got out of the bed, came around and laid down next to Jerry, stuck his legs in the air and said, "Fuck me, baby."
Wow, did he ever. Jerry should give lessons. Tim and I both decided that if he did, we might enroll. Jerry knew how to be rough, forceful, yet make it last. When he came he pulled out quickly and grabbed Sid's dick in his mouth, bringing him almost immediately. A kiss shared his cum, and then they fell back on the bed.
A little later Sid said, "We usually sleep about an hour and then wake up and go home. I suspect you two would rather not be disturbed in a hour, so we ought to head home now."
Tim said, "I hate to see you fuck and run. That was quite a show. And look, you're almost hard again."
"I'll take care of that if it's necessary," I said.
"I think I'd rather sleep. Good night, all," said Tim.
I think he was asleep before Sid and Jerry were out the door. Sid's parting words were, "Cathy and Judy are going to be jealous. You're going to have to meet them here one night while Jerry and I babysit."
We did, but that's another story. I really don't have to draw you a picture for that adventure, do I?
That summer we learned a new acronym, AIDS, for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. We also learned how right Ronnie was: it was going to get a lot worse before it got better. It was also appearing in other population groups, namely Haitians, hemophiliacs, and heroin users in addition to gay males. It was a relief to know that it wasn't exclusively a disease of gay males, but that didn't really reduce the impact on the gay community, and it's tragic that it moved into other communities. On the other hand, it was the movement into other groups, particularly hemophiliacs and soon thereafter other recipients of blood products, that put pressure on the public health community to do the necessary research to find out what was really going on. If it had only affected the other three groups, it would've been hard to get the society to move: gays, Haitians, and drug users did not receive a lot of public sympathy in the 1980's.
We didn't learn anything throughout the year 1982 that suggested that our rule of limiting sex to the Gang should be changed. We all sort of nervously worried about symptoms of the disease, but none appeared within the Gang. Well, that's not completely true: Jim's mother, Trudi, developed some spots on her skin. She was terrified that it was Kaposi's sarcoma and rushed to the doctor. He called them age spots, and that's what they were. I think he may still be scratching his head wondering why Trudi might be worried about Kaposi's sarcoma. As far as I know he never figured it out.
Life went on. Well, we didn't really have any choice. From time to time we worried about our "promiscuity" within the Gang, but never enough to change our behavior. And, as 1982 drew to a close, we were pretty much convinced that the Gang had escaped, and would continue to escape as long as we followed our rule. In fact, we were rigid about following the rule until the blood test for the HIV virus became available in 1985. But I'm ahead of my story.
Speaking of being ahead of my story; now is a good time to confess that I'm also behind in telling my story. Tim warned me that this might happen, as the story has rolled out in episodes that were published before the whole thing was complete. He just pointed out-damn him for not finding it sooner; he reads every episode-that I never told the story of the movie made about Tim. I just left it hanging that AAA were working on a script at the time of the Montreal Olympics.
Well, they joined us at the Olympics and were present at the final press conference when Tim, Billy, and Hal said their Olympic farewells. The three writers stayed very low key, and kept their thoughts to themselves. About four months later they handed Tim a draft script of the documentary movie. Tim had demanded script approval as a condition of the access he and the Gang had granted to the writers. He read it one evening and then handed it to me. "Charlie, this isn't about me; it's about some mutant superhuman who looks like a boy. They need to get some reality into it."
I picked up the script and read, Tim'n Charlie, as the movie was to be titled. It takes a little getting used to reading a script. It not only has the words to be spoken but extensive picture or camera instructions, more extensive than stage directions in a play. Tim was right, it was all about this little superkid who couldn't manage to do anything wrong, sailed through school, two sports, a gay romance, graduate school, and returned to the University of North Dakota a celebrated hero, and a vice-president of the university. Where Tim was wrong was that the movie got it absolutely right. Here was my superkid laid out on the wide screen for all to see.
The portrayal of Charlie was a little excessive. I certainly was neither the super archer that I seemed to be portrayed as being, nor was I as great an author, camp counselor, or lawyer as the movie suggested. Hell, it didn't suggest; it said it in so many words. Tim assures me that they got the parts about me perfectly!
The one thing that we both agree they got right was our romance. The movie didn't pull any punches: here were two gay boys, growing into men, flat out in love with each other and unwilling to shove it under the rug or into the closet. It was boy meets boy, boy falls in love with boy, boy waits impatiently for boy, boys become men, men are madly in love, men live happily ever after. The pictures of Tim diving and performing his gymnastic routines are beautiful. The movie folks came to the University and asked him to do both a T and inverted T on the rings. They timed him, and as far as anyone knows his two times,48 seconds for the T, 29 seconds for the inverted T, are world's records-but nobody officially keeps such records. The film does not show the naked Charlie in his, but not the camera's, field of vision. You can guess how much film time was devoted to me shooting a bow and arrow. I timed it, 18.3 seconds, including a shot of the arrow hitting the bull's eye! I certainly didn't pick the right sport. But I picked the right kid!
Author's Note: In the real world the record for the "T" (Iron Cross) is just about what has been attributed to Tim for the inverted "T"-28.9 seconds. I'm not aware of the record for an inverted "T".
The movie was an absolute smash. It ran 38 minutes and was first shown as a "short subject" along with a feature film. It always ran that way in movie theaters, and often outdrew the feature movie. I've always believed that the main reason for its success were the wonderful and sexy pictures of Tim in his Speedo. There are even two shots of him and Billy doing tandem dives. But it's not mainly a sports story. It's written as a love story, and that is, in the final analysis, why it was such a success. Gay communities around the country, indeed around the world, were excited about it, and flocked to see it. Certainly that helped with its financial success.
It was nominated for the Academy Award for the Best Documentary Short Subject. If it won, the award would be accepted by its producer, John Flitkin. He assured everyone that if by chance it won, he would give full credit to AAA for their script-which made the movie-and to Tim and me, without whom there wouldn't have been a movie.
We made a flying trip to Los Angeles in the winter of 1978 to be present at the awards ceremony in the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in the Los Angeles Music Center . My God, we got to walk down the famous red carpet with photographers flashing more flashbulbs that you can ever imagine. My God, the glamour, the glitter, the money, the names, the romance. Tim and I were unique-ours was the only gay romance of the evening! It raised some eyebrows around the country, but not many in Hollywood.
The interesting thing about Tim's presence that evening is that he was an outsider. Most of the people in the theater (it held well over 3,000) were part of the movie scene, or the New York arts scene. Tim was a sports hero and more, but not part of the Hollywood crowd. You can't believe how many programs he was asked to sign. I got to sign a few as well!
The big moment came, and damned if Tim'n Charlie didn't win the Oscar. There was John Flitkin on the stage accepting it, asking AAA to stand up and take bows, and then asking Tim and Charlie to stand and "Give us a kiss." We've given more spectacular kisses in our lives, but never a more public one. But it wasn't carried on national television: men didn't kiss men on national television in the 1970's in America. Our pictures were cut off just as we stood, and before we could kiss. It still left us with an audience of more than 3,000! The talk shows and gossip pages raged on for a week about how terrible it was that the kiss had not been shown. The religious right and the rest of the anti-gay movement in America ranted even harder against the Academy for giving such prominence to a sinful lifestyle.
Tim and I flew home amidst the controversy and were glad to be back in the calmer halls of North Dakota academia. Grand Forks had long since gotten over the question of what to think of its most prominent gay couple. Tim'n Charlie kicked around television for a while, and you can still see in late at night on some odd cable channel every month or so.
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