Finding Nico
by c m
Chapter 6
And new guests do, indeed, arrive. Most are of little interest, but amongst them are a couple of boys my age, one of whom is rather good looking. And I meet him in much the same way as Josh met me, when I literally bump into him as he emerges from the swimming-pool changing room.
'Oh, sorry,' he says.
'No problem.'
He's undeniably cute. Very cute. A tumble of blond hair, and sapphire-coloured eyes. I can see him taking me in as well.
'I'm Nick,' I say, holding out a hand.
'Pleased to meet you, Nick. I'm Piers. We've just arrived.'
'OK. I've been here a week. And I seem to recall the first thing I did on arrival was what you're doing now – going for a swim.'
He laughs.
'Yeah…long journey, hot day…seems like a good idea.'
'The pool's lovely.'
'I know – we've stayed here before.'
'Well lucky you.'
'I know – it's great, isn't it?'
'Indeed. Well, I'll let you get on with it – maybe see you in there in a few?'
'Cool.'
And he brushes past me. I turn to watch him, and see him execute a perfect dive into the water. His swimming trunks are the same colour as his eyes. It's almost like seeing the blue flash of a kingfisher as he surfaces. I feel myself stirring. And then I bring myself back to reality. What on earth am I thinking? I've found the love of my life, who's been gone for all of a few hours, and I'm feeling stirrings over the first good-looking boy I've seen since he left? Get a grip, Nico.
But I can't help myself. I join him in the pool, and we exchange a few words as we pass each other, and when he gets out, I can't stop myself from following. He looks back over his shoulder and smiles. In the changing room, he strips right in front of me and gives me a long, close-up view. He's shaved, with a long, slim, circumcised cock that hangs down over his balls.
'It's OK,' he says with a smile, 'I don't mind you looking. You're gay, aren't you – like me?'
'How did…?'
'Oh, I can tell. And to avoid wasting time, I think you're kind of sexy. And if you're interested, then I would be too. You know... a bit of a holiday fling – no strings. Now, do I get to see what you've got?'
Well, no-one can say he doesn't come straight to the point. I strip off my swimmers. I can hardly refuse, can I?
'Very nice,' he says, 'maybe we can get together later?'
'I've got a boyfriend, Piers.'
'So have I. But he's not here. He'll never know. Or do you mean your boyfriend's with you?'
'No…he went home today.'
'Then perfect.'
'No, Piers, not perfect. I couldn't do that to him…'
'But you want to…I can tell…come on, Nick…'
And he takes my hand and goes to put it on his rapidly-swelling cock. I pull it away.
'No, Piers…'
'Yes, Nick…look at you.'
But I don't need to look. I cover myself with my towel.
'Come on Nick…we both want to. No-one will know, no-one will get hurt. Just two gay boys having a bit of fun. If you don't want to fuck, I understand that, but where's the harm in jacking off together…we both do that anyway, don't we?...and it's more fun with someone else…'
I'm trying hard to fight it, but my hormones seem to have a will of their own.
'…and maybe a little oral too?'
I think of Josh and just about regain control.
'No Piers…I'm sorry, but no…'
'Shame. I think we'd both enjoy it. Well look, if you change your mind, just let me know, OK?'
I get dressed as fast as I can and hurry out, a sense of shame at my arousal burning inside me. I can't face Jules, so I hurry upstairs to my room where I lie on the bed in a torment of feelings. I focus on Josh, and my feelings for him slowly blot out any desire I might have felt for Piers. I am about to go back downstairs when my phone beeps. Josh is calling me on WhatsApp. All the feelings of guilt return, but the prospect of seeing and talking to my wonderful Josh pushes them out of the way.
'Josh!'
'Hi sexy…just to say we got home safely. That and the fact that I'm already missing you like hell.'
'You too, Josh, you too.'
'Look, I'll sort some date options out for you to visit and send them over later…but I just had to see your face. You all OK?'
'Yes…yes…all OK…missing you like hell too.'
'OK. Great to see you. Speak later, OK, when I've got some dates?'
'Can't wait.'
'Love you, Nico.'
'Love you too Josh.'
I kiss my fingers and hold them up to the screen
'Awww…kisses from me too. Bye for now.'
'Bye for now.'
The conversation is all I need to get Piers firmly out of my head. At least for now. I head out into the corridor. And see Piers. He's just entering his room. And by a cruel twist of fate, it's the room that was Josh and Alex's until earlier today.
I decide to ignore him, but he stops me.
'Look, Nick, I just want to apologise, OK? I shouldn't have…propositioned you like that. And don't think badly of me; my boyfriend and I are realistic about us…doing stuff…with other people, but I realise not everyone is. I should have respected that.'
'Thanks, Piers. I mean…it's not that…it's not that I don't think you're cute or anything…and if I wasn't with…it's just…'
'It's OK. I get it. So…no hard feelings…if you'll forgive the expression?'
I can't help but smile.
'No hard feelings.'
'Hug permitted?'
I'm a bit wary, but…well, his apology seems genuine enough.
'Hug permitted.'
We embrace briefly.
'Cool. I hope we can at least be friends.'
'Why not.'
'See you later?'
'Sure.'
And with that, he goes into his room. And I breathe a sigh of relief that I can put the events of the changing room behind me.
Over the next few days, Piers and I do, indeed, become friends. He's amusing company and there's no doubt that both of us being gay builds a bond between us. We both swim out to the diving platform one day and he teaches me how to dive in the graceful way that he does. As we lie on the platform afterwards, he asks me about Josh, and I tell him the story.
'So you've not gone all the way together then?'
'No. I don't think either of us is in any hurry…and I mean we've only known each other a week. How long did you and your boyfriend know each other before you did it?'
He laughs.
'My current boyfriend is a few years older than me. And neither of us were virgins when we met. He fucked me the night of our first date.'
I try to take in the variety of information I've just received.
'So how old were you when you lost your virginity?'
'Fourteen. And yes, I know. It just…happened. Only once – or only once with him. I don't seem to have much luck with…relationships.'
'Have you been in many…relationships, then?'
He gives me a crooked smile.
'A few, yes.'
'And is it OK to ask if…that first time…when you lost your virginity…did you both…you know…do it to each other, or was it just one way?'
'Sure it's OK to ask. It was just one way. But then I seem to be a bottom boy.'
'And did it hurt?'
'Ah yes, the question we all worry about. Yes it did. Although not so much I didn't want to do it again. Although f you'll let me give you some advice, you need to ask Josh to spend time opening you up with his fingers when you decide you're ready. Or you need to do it for him if that's the way round it is.'
'I hope we'll both want to do it both ways – when we get there.'
'Of course, and if that's how it turns out that's great – but don't feel obliged to have to do both, and certainly don't feel you've somehow failed if you turn out to be just a top or just a bottom – although it might be awkward if it turns out you both only want it the same way.'
He smiles.
'And you obviously have a current boyfriend,' I say.
'Yes. I met Jarrod a while ago. It's the longest relationship I've had. He's twenty-five and very much a top – which is just fine.'
'And you say that you're both OK with you…doing stuff…with other boys?'
'Yes. Look, I'm not ready to settle down with someone yet. I mean, we don't exactly screw around, but if we're away from each other – like this, for example, on holiday – and we meet someone who's up for a bit of fun, then Jarrod said…that is, we agreed…that it's OK to go for it.'
'But doesn't that mean you, you know, put yourself at risk of catching something?'
'We're both on Prep. And it's not as though we're doing it all the time. I've been with precisely two other boys since I've known Jarrod, and only had full sex with one of them. Well, that doesn't include a couple of boys I've had a mutual wank with, but that doesn't count…that's just two boys helping each other out…it's like having a hug or a kiss.'
'I see.'
'Though were it to come to having a bit more than a wank with someone, I know exactly who I'd like to become my number three…'
He grins at me
'OH! Right…umm…'
'It's all right. I'm ribbing you. I know you don't feel the same way. Though I haven't given up ALL hope…'
'Piers, a week ago I wouldn't have been able to believe my luck if I'd been having this conversation with you. I'd probably have gone to bed with you like a shot. You're a nice guy and, it must be said, kinda sexy…'
'You too, Nick…but I understand.' He sighs. 'Umm…I don't suppose there's any chance of a kiss maybe. A consolation prize?'
His sapphire eyes are boring into mine. A kiss wouldn't hurt, would it? I lean in and kiss him softly on the mouth. His response is immediate, his tongue flicking over my lips. And then we're kissing properly. He pulls me to him and as we hold each other, I can feel his erection straining against his swimmers. And he must be able to feel that I'm now fully-aroused too. I break the kiss.
'Sorry, Piers, I didn't mean for that,' I point at the lump in my groin, 'to happen.'
'It's OK, Nick. Look, we both find each other attractive, we know that. Getting aroused is just a sign that we do – and one that we can't do anything about, even if it isn't going to lead anywhere. There's no need to feel guilty or embarrassed. It's just hormones.'
'Guess not.'
'Sorry, do you mind if I just…straighten things out down there. I'm a bit uncomfortable.'
'Of course.'
I don't know what I was expecting, but what he does is undo the string and pull his swimmers away from his body. His erection pops out in its full glory. It's hard to take my eyes off it.
'Hope you don't mind. I don't feel I have to be embarrassed in front of you. And at home I skinny dip all the time anyway. I don't much like wearing anything when I swim.'
'Umm…fine. And sorry to stare. It's just…the first circumcised stiffy I've seen, actually.'
'Ah yes, a minority look – at least in this part of the world.'
'Do you think it makes any difference?'
'Not really. Though I sometimes like to use some lube when I wank. You like?'
'It's beautiful.'
'Touch it if you want.'
'No…I think that might lead on to other things…'
'OK. Can't blame a boy for trying…'
He says this with a grin, then pushes his still-hard erection sideways and covers it up.
'You said Jarrod was older than you…how old are you?'
'Eighteen tomorrow.'
'Oh, wow…happy birthday for tomorrow.'
'Thanks. Maybe you can help me celebrate.'
'Sounds good to me.'
But I want to know more about his boyfriend. I've picked up a vibe about him that I'm not sure I like.
'Tell me, how did you meet Jarrod?'
'Oh, I had a work-experience placement in a coffee-shop and he was the barista there. He seemed genuinely interested in me, and I thought he was nice. He didn't make any secret of the fact that he clearly fancied me – in fact he just came out and said it - and well…things just happened. Pretty fast. It didn't take me long to realise that he has problems with commitment, but that's OK – he's kind to me, so it's a price I'm prepared to pay.'
'I don't think I could do a relationship like that.'
'We're all different, Nick – and maybe as Josh is your first it's still all lovey-dovey and 'mine forever' and all that. Not that that might not last, but first relationships can be a bit full-on.'
'I guess so. But it doesn't feel like that.'
'I'm sure it doesn't – and I really hope it works out for both of you if that's what you want. Time to head back?'
'Yeah…sure.'
The following morning I walk into town early to get a birthday card for Piers. I find something suitable and sign it. I'll give it to him when I see him. I've been thinking about what he said the previous afternoon on the diving platform, and I've come to the conclusion that we are, as he said, different in the way we see relationships and what we want out of them. I don't like the sound of Jarrod much – but if Piers is happy, then that's his business.
I also get a text from Josh.
Hi Nico
How does coming down to Bristol on the 17 th and staying for five nights sound? We'll pick you up from the station. Hope that works for you – I can't wait to see you again. Love, your Josh. XXX.
I go and find my parents and they say that's fine. I text Josh back,
17 th is perfect. I'll send you the train time as soon as I've booked a ticket. Can't wait to see you too. Love, your Nico. XXX.
And I am suddenly walking on air.
It turns out that Piers and his family have gone out for the day, so I don't catch up with him until the evening. His family are celebrating his birthday with champagne and he asks me to join them. I give him his card.
'I'm sorry I haven't got you a present; if I'd had a bit more notice…'
'Oh, that's fine, don't worry. Just having you here is a present enough,' and he gives me a peck on the cheek. His family treat it as perfectly normal.
I rejoin my family as they go into dinner; Piers's family are about twenty minutes behind us.
'You and Piers seem to be getting on well,' says Jules to me.
'He's nice; he's fun; he's gay – and, no, before you ask, I don't want to sleep with him.'
'Have you told Josh about him?'
'There's nothing to tell.'
'OK.'
She looks at me as if she can see inside me. What I've told her isn't a lie. But if I'd said I didn't still find him kind of sexy, it would have been.
After dinner, Piers asks me to join him for more drinks with the family. I end up feeling a bit woozy. And we're the last two left in the bar. When we finally decide to call it a night, he puts an arm around my shoulder to help guide me upstairs. He helps me into my room.
'Nice room, Nick.'
Yes…yes, it is.'
He sits beside me on the bed.
'Big bed.'
'Yes.'
'Did you and Josh share it?'
I smile at the memory.
'Yes…yes, we did.'
'Bet you jack off every night thinking about him.'
'I sure do. Bet you do thinking about Jarrod.'
'Guilty as charged…although actually it's not always Jarrod I think about,' he says.
'Really?'
'Yes, really…do you always think about the same boy when you wank?'
'I do now…but I suppose I didn't before I met Josh.'
'There you go.' He pauses. 'Did you really want to get me something for my birthday?'
'Yes...sorry I didn't.'
'There is something you could give me…'
'What's that?'
'Well, if you and I are both about to jack off, how about you do it to me and I do it to you? Just because it will feel nice…and it's just a bit of fun….it wouldn't mean anything, you know….you wouldn't be being disloyal or anything…and because it's my birthday?'
'You want us to have a mutual wank?'
'I'd love it…would be a very special birthday present.'
I look at him. There's no doubt he's sexy. And it's just a wank. And it is his birthday. And what was it he said about a wank being pretty much like a kiss or a hug? And for some reason I'm feeling very relaxed and well-disposed towards the world as a whole right now.
'Oh, OK then.'
'Really? That's wonderful. Why don't you do me first and then I'll do you?'
'OK.'
He stands up and faces me before undoing his trousers and pushing them, along with his briefs, to the floor. His erection is already jutting out from his body.
'Did you say something about needing lube?' I say, his words a foggy memory in my brain.
'Not always. Just go for it, Nick.'
I wrap my hand around it and start to stroke.
And then suddenly my head is full of Josh. And this doesn't feel like 'just a kiss or a hug'. And it does feel disloyal. And the world has snapped back into focus. And I don't know what to do. I feel like an idiot. I stop stroking.
'Don't stop, Nick…it feels so good…' then he notices my expression. 'What's up Nick?'
I look up at him and just slowly shake my head.
'You're thinking of him, aren't you? You're thinking about Josh. You don't want to do this, do you?'
I shake my head slowly from side to side. I can feel tears welling up.
'I'm so sorry Piers. I can't do this.'
I ready myself for the storm. But it doesn't come.
'Oh God, I'm so sorry, Nick. I really thought that once we started you'd feel it was OK…just some fun. But you don't do you?'
I shake my head again.
'Then let's stop. I really like you, Nick. And I'm sorry I tried to get you to…do this.'
He gently removes my hand and pulls up his underwear.
'It's just…this is the first time that this has happened to me…you know…that a boy I've been with hasn't…you know…really got into it once we started.'
'I'm sorry.'
He sits down beside me and takes my face in his hands.
'No, Nick. Don't be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry.'
'Thank you, Piers,' I whisper.
'Please forgive me. And I hope we can still be friends. You're not like anyone I've met before.'
'Nothing to forgive. I thought I was OK with it. I said 'yes'…you didn't force me.'
'But I tried to talk you into it. And I knew you were…are…a bit the worse for wear. And I shouldn't have done that. It was trying to take advantage of you. And it's not as though you hadn't told me how you felt.'
' 'S OK.'
'Really?'
I nod my head. 'Really. And thank you for…understanding and letting us stop when we did.'
'Still friends?'
'Still friends.'
'Then sleep tight and I'll see you in the morning. Umm…will you be OK getting into bed?'
'Yes…thank you. Night Piers.'
'Night Nick.'
I hear my door open and close. I tug off my clothes and leave them lying where they fall. I'm too tired…had too much to drink…I manage to crawl under the covers. The pillow is cool against my face, and I fall asleep.
I wake up with a raging thirst and a full bladder. I deal with both in the bathroom. And then the memory of the previous evening comes flooding back. I feel guilt, shame and embarrassment. And then some small relief that it all stopped when it did. I try to piece together the exact sequence of events. And the memory of stroking Piers' erection suddenly floods my mind and…oh God. I shake my head to try and dismiss the memory – and immediately regret it. It's as if someone has thrown weights around inside my skull. I have another glass of water and go back to bed.
I dream about Josh. I tell him all about what happened. He says I disgust him and that he wants nothing to do with me ever again. I wake up in a cold sweat.
I check my phone. There's a message from Josh. I can barely steel myself to open it.
'Hey sexy, hope you're having fun. Just had to let you know how much I love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you on the 17 th . Love to Jules. Your Josh. XXX'
On the one hand, it's a relief that my dream was just that; on the other, I am now feeling guiltier than ever. I know I'm going to have to come clean with Josh. I hope he'll still feel the same way when I do.
And thinking about Josh leads me in turn to thinking about Piers. How do I feel about him in the cold light of day? I'm wondering if all the alcohol was actively intended to make me more compliant, or whether the fact we'd both had a lot to drink simply created a mutual lack of inhibitions in which what happened, happened. And did Piers take advantage of my state, or was it just him being him? And the fact is that when I realised what I was doing, and that I wasn't happy with it, he immediately offered to stop. And he apologised for things getting to that point. And he'd been perfectly open with me about him seeing mutual masturbation as no more than a kiss or a hug. He was the one being consistent, I was the one crossing my boundaries. It makes me feel worse about myself, but I realise that can't blame Piers for what happened. And thinking about it, nothing too bad really happened, did it? I wish I'd caught myself thirty seconds earlier than I did, but…that was probably the alcohol. Would it help matters to tell Josh? Probably not…indeed, do I actually have anything to apologise for - except being stupid enough to have drunk more than I should have done? OK, it would have been better if I hadn't touched Piers…but the moment I thought of Josh, it brought me back to reality. Hmmm. How would I feel if it had been Josh and Piers together and I'd been the one at home? I wouldn't have liked it, would I? But I'd be pleased things had stopped where they did. And I guess I'd realise that that must mean that he and I had something important. Or am I just trying to rationalise and excuse my behaviour? Maybe I should talk to Jules.
I go and shower, and by the time I've had the coffee that's waiting for me in the bedroom when I emerge, I'm feeling a lot more human. It's another lovely day, so I find a clean T-shirt and put that on along with my shorts before heading downstairs. As I pass his door, Piers comes out. I wonder if he's been waiting for me.
'Nick…I just wanted to apologise – again - for last night. Too much to drink – but that doesn't excuse my behaviour.'
'You're not to blame for anything, Piers. I've been thinking about it, and you were just following your own rules. I was the one who was prepared to break mine – albeit briefly. I'm the weak one and I'm to blame.'
'I shouldn't have put you in that position; I know you see things differently from me. I let my desire for you get the better of me. And saying it was my birthday was no better than blackmail, was it?'
'I guess neither of us has much to feel proud about, do we?'
'Except that we did the right thing in the end.'
'Yes…and I've you to thank for that.'
'No…you wanted to stop. Your instincts kicked in. You were true to yourself, Nick.'
'Bit late.'
'Not really. Given the circumstances. Equal blame, equal credit?'
'Maybe. I guess.'
'And we're still…good with each other?'
I think about it. The fact that I hate myself for something that's my fault isn't a good enough reason to hate Piers, is it?
I nod.
'Good enough for a hug?'
I look at him. There's something in his eyes. A kind of…desperation.
'OK…but….'
'But what?'
'Let's be clear, a hug's definitely not the same as mutual masturbation, or not for me.'
He smiles.
'Deal.'
And we hug. And then we go down to breakfast together.
Strangely, the fact that we both so nearly fell off a precipice together cements our friendship. And when Saturday arrives and it's time for me to leave Sunnybanks, we embrace with genuine affection. We agree to stay in touch and maybe meet up later in the year. Piers and his family live in London, so it wouldn't be a difficult journey – only forty minutes by train. If Josh comes to stay with me, I'll maybe take the opportunity to get all three of us together – or all four if Piers wants us to meet Jarrod.
As my father loads up the car, Piers takes me to one side.
'Nick, I just want to say that meeting you has made me think about my attitudes to casual sex and commitment – and the consequences of those attitudes. Like it means I'd never get to have a guy like you for a boyfriend. And I'm sorry, again, for what nearly happened. It's just…Jarrod says it's OK, and I know it's what he does, and so…anyway…just…sorry.'
He sighs, and then smiles at me.
'Look…and I hope this never happens, in fact I'm sure it won't, but if things don't work out with Josh, well…I think I could have a committed relationship with you in a way that I can't with Jarrod.'
'Thanks for the compliment, Piers. And if I wasn't with Josh, and if you really were up for a different type of relationship – genuinely - then we'd definitely be having a talk.'
'Great. Hope to see you again – I mean it. Maybe around Christmas?'
'Yes, that would be nice. Let's make it happen. Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your holiday.'
'I will.'
He leans in and we have a final hug. He puts his mouth close to my ear and whispers…
'…I can't promise you won't be on my mind occasionally when I…you know…'
'PIERS! Behave yourself….'
'Always.'
And he's still waving as we pull out of the drive.
As we drive home, I think about what happened that evening of his birthday, and I decide I don't need to talk to Jules or Josh about it. I'll take it as a lesson – a warning even – and it won't happen again. Of that I'm sure. I'm still thinking about it when Jules pokes me.
'Penny for them.'
'Oh, sorry…no…I was miles away. Just thinking about what a totally unexpected holiday that was…you know…meeting Josh and then Piers. I mean…what are the odds against finding a boyfriend and a new friend in two weeks in a small hotel like that? And for you to meet someone like Alex as well, for that matter.'
'I know. Amazing isn't it? Must be something about the place. You and Piers seemed to get quite close.'
'Close? Well, I suppose the fact that we're both gay means we could talk about stuff we maybe wouldn't have done if we weren't…if you see what I mean.'
She looks at me, and I give her our private sign…not in front of the parents.
She smiles.
The journey is uneventful, and although it's been such a wonderful holiday, there's something comforting about getting back to my room and all the familiar things there. I've finished unpacking and I'm lying on the bed thinking about giving Josh a call when Jules taps on my door and comes in.
'So...is there something you want to tell me about you and Piers?'
'Me and Piers? No.'
'Really?'
'Sometimes I wish we weren't twins…'
'So there IS something…'
'Only…the night of his birthday we both had too much to drink and he sort of…propositioned me. Not for sex just…well...what you would probably regard as a fondle.'
'Oh my GOD…you didn't, did you?'
'No…we didn't. But we almost did.'
'But you and Josh…'
'I know. That's what stopped me. Just.'
'And you were still friends with Piers after he…propositioned you?'
'I was as much to blame as he was.'
'How?'
'Look, Jules…I thought he was good-looking and sexy. Having a boyfriend doesn't stop you from having those reactions. I expect you found other boys interesting even when you and Alex were shagging each other boss-eyed.'
She has the good grace to look a little guilty.
'Attraction and alcohol are not happy partners…and he has…different views from me on what's OK and what isn't. We'd hugged and exchanged a friendly kiss – nothing more – but for him…a bit of…fooling around was in the same category. But it isn't for me, it turns out. And to be fair to him, he was the one who stopped anything happening when he saw that I was upset.'
'He initiated it, but he stopped it?'
'Yes…he apologised in fact. And that's why we're still friends. You've got to like someone quite a lot to stop yourself from…doing stuff…with them when they've agreed and then change their minds. I'm happy to have someone like that as a friend, despite the fact we see the nature of relationships differently.'
'I can see that. And thanks for telling me.'
'I wasn't going to but…what's the point, you seem to know everything about me all the time.'
'Nothing you tell me about things like this ever go any further, Nico, you know that.'
'Yeah…yeah I guess I do. Thanks.'
She comes over and gives me a kiss.
'You're a good man, brother of mine. Good values. And we all get tempted…it's how we deal with temptation that sorts out the sheep from the goats.'
'Thanks, sis.'
She smiles.
'Can I ask you something?' I say, 'it's a bit personal.'
'I think you've earned the right…what?'
'Do you still have the hots for Alex…or is he just a nice holiday memory?'
'I think about him every night when I'm masturbating,' she says with a grin, 'and yes, girls do it too. Just a bit more quietly.'
'Too much information…'
'...and we don't make such a mess either. God…Alex was like a bloody fountain…a gooey fountain….'
'AARGH! Enough! God, I wish I'd never asked….'
'I use a vibrator…would you like to see it?'
'NO! Please, no more…'
'See? You can ask me anything anytime…'
And with that she leaves, shutting the door behind her.
And I start to laugh. God, I love my twin sometimes.
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