The Saturday Boy, Two Years On
It Takes Two to Tango
Having just woken up my mind turned immediately to the night before. I had been down in the club with Olly having a drink when it all kicked off with Joey and Dean. To be honest, I could see it happening the minute Dean arrived as he looked in a bad mood. I had gone over to see what the issue was and quickly found out Joey had given Dean the riot act over the phone about his brother, mainly the fact he had not said anything to his parents about it yet. I'm actually surprised Dean even turned up, but as Dean told me later on in the night, he hadn't seen Joey for so long it was either come down to the club or miss another opportunity. Dean said he felt like an afterthought anyway, as when he got there Joey spent most of the time making eyes at Jack in between serving.
I also had an issue I was dealing with that night, and that was trying very hard not to make eyes at Jack myself. I was so angry at myself because I had a wonderful boyfriend in Olly, plus Joey and Jack were finally starting to put their relationship back together. I felt terrible for the thoughts that were entering my mind, the main one being about casting all that aside and revealing to Jack I couldn't get that fucking kiss we shared out of my head. I was also having a debate with myself as to whether the kiss was making me genuinely feel something for him or whether it was just because I felt sorry for him. The latter would be easier to digest.
Olly had caught me two or three times just staring into space and had asked me what was going on in my head. I made up some bullshit story to him about being tired. I don't know if he bought it.
Just as I was feeling the guilt starting to fade about Jack, he walks into my room.
"Hey Roman," he said, before smiling at me.
"Morning Jack, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Morning? Roman, its midday," he said before laughing. "I was wondering if I could borrow your car today, Jack is going to the movies with Olly and I need to get to a job interview."
"Sure, but why is Olly off work?"
"He's taking two vacation days, didn't you know?"
"Roman, is everything ok between you two?"
"Yeah fine, why?"
"It's just Olly said you had been a little distant the last couple of days."
I sighed. "He probably told me about the vacation days and it's likely I just wasn't listening," I said to myself rather than Jack.
"You wanna talk about it? I have an hour before I have to go."
"A hour? How many problems do you think I have?" I said, a sarcastic tone I'm my voice.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"I know, I'm just pulling your leg. Hey, it's good Joey and Olly have gone out together though, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I think they organized it last night. Joey has a lot to make up for, I think the movie was a good way to break the ice and apparently they do plan to have a talk about recent events."
"You didn't know I'm guessing?"
"Again, he probably told me and I wasn't listening." I said, shaking my head.
"Roman, is everything ok… I mean really?"
"I think I have feelings for a guy that it would be impossible to be with."
"Fuck, really? But what about Olly?"
"Nothing has changed there, he makes me really happy, it's just my mind has been elsewhere."
"Can I know who this guy_"
"It's you, Jack, it's you!"
"Don't act surprised, I saw you looking at me last night, and I know you know I was looking at you."
"This cannot happen, you know that right?"
"Yeah, I know, it doesn't make it any easier though."
Jack buried his head in his hands before running them down his face. "Man, this is heavy shit."
"Look, I'll deal with it Jack, I have to, there is no other option."
"But… but how long have you felt like this?"
"Since you kissed me… I felt something! Not sexually, no, it was something more than that, and I've been thinking about it ever since."
"Does anyone else know about this?"
"What? No, of course not. You think I am going to ruin two relationships by being that selfish?"
I got up from my bed and started to pace the room, I knew Jack eyes were following, probably thinking I was acting like some love sick school boy. Perhaps I was making a big deal out of this when there wasn't one to make, or maybe it was because Jack was in the room with me… alone, and it seemed to amplify the feelings I had. One thing I did know was that revealing this secret I had, well, it didn't seem such a good idea now.
"I, uh, I think I better go Roman, I don't want this to become_"
I don't know what compelled me, but whatever it was, it was too late to do anything about. I grabbed Jack by the collar of his shirt and threw him up against my bedroom wall before burying my tongue in his mouth, running my fingers though his blond locks. As soon as it happened, I tried to pull away, wracked with regret and guilt, but something was stopping me from breaking our embrace… it was Jack.
"I've fucking wanted you since I first laid eyes on you," he whimpered, muffled through our kisses.
"We shouldn't do this," I said, finally pulling away from him.
"You started it Roman, fuck man!"
"I know, it was a mistake I'm sorry."
"Let's not talk about it." I said, heading back to sit on my bed. I suddenly realised I was almost naked, apart from the boxer briefs that were doing a useless job of hiding my now solid erection.
"Jesus, Roman, you admit you have feelings for me, you snog my face off and then you say, oh let's not talk about it? Talk about a monumental head fuck."
"I don't know what to say to you Jack, it was never supposed to become this complicated. Look I think we should forget this happened. We can never be anything more than friends, you are my brother's boyfriend and you are with a beautiful guy who worships the ground you walk on."
"I know, so_"
"So, we don't talk about it, we forget it happened and move on right?
"Roman, we need to talk about this!"
"And where will talking about it get us?"
"Fuck man, I don't know, but you are aware of what just happened, right?"
"Only too clearly, which is why we must not let it go any further."
Jack went over to my window and stood staring at what I guessed was nothing in particular. While he was turned away from me I decided it was probably a good idea to put some clothes on, so I pulled on what was at the side of my bed and brushed myself down.
"Your right Roman, I'm sorry, you are totally right, we need to deal with this right now. We need to concentrate on our own relationships, or in my case fixing it and forget this ever happened. Perhaps next time you have these feelings for me, you keep them to yourself."
"Jack, look I get that I have pissed you off, but I felt like I had to tell you, you understand that right?"
"I'm glad you did, and you were right by the way."
"Looking at you last night, I was… I don't know why, it was wrong on so many levels, and I apologize if you felt in any way that I was leading you on."
"I don't think that Jack. I know what you have been through and I know how the grass looks greener on the other side right now. If you had been looking at anyone else I would have slapped you, so I can't really say it was acceptable just because it was me, but at the same time I can't chastise you because I was looking at you too."
"You are really making this sound complicated Roman."
"I know, fuck it, we just need to forget it before we talk ourselves into a hole that isn't there… yet."
Catching up with Olly was a really good thing to do; he was such an understanding guy when it came to putting the past behind us. I though, was not satisfied with how things were being left. I felt I owed him a more thorough explanation, but each time I started to explain myself he would come back with… hey, it's cool, I'm just glad we're ok again. But I guess trying to talk to him when we were sitting through a movie may have not been the best idea, so I planned to take him to dinner.
"Jesus its cold Joey, great movie though eh?"
"Yeah, I really enjoyed it, come on, let's get back to the car, I'm gonna treat you to a burger"
We began our journey out of the shopping mall that contained the cinema and headed towards the parking lot where I was about to play that game where you try and remember where you parked.
"Lot C, wasn't it?"
"Sorry?" I asked, looking at Olly, confused.
"I remember… that's where you parked, it was lot C."
"Well I'm glad you had a keen eye there, I didn't even look. Well lot C is over there," I replied, pointing.
We quickened our pace as the cold December winds bit into our faces, making our eyes water and our cheeks red. As we neared the correct parking zone I pulled out my key fob and pressed the button, hearing my car sound it's alarm bleep. Yellow lights flashed in the dull light confirming we were close to shelter.
"C'mon, let's get in; I'll put the heater on as soon as the engine warms up." I said opening the door for him. Olly quickly got in the passenger side and closed the door. I scooted round to the other side and fell into the seat, immediately switching the engine on.
"Joey, are you really hungry or do you just want somewhere to talk?"
"Hmm, just somewhere to talk really, why do you ask?"
"It's just I have stuffed my face with popcorn and if you just wanna talk then we can just sit here if you like?"
I chuckled. "I must admit, if I had have eaten it would just have been to please you, you're right, I'm not really hungry at all, and yeah I did wanna talk."
"Well I'm glad I brought it up then, no point wasting money on food if you don't really feel like eating it." Olly remarked, a somewhat jokey tone in his voice.
"I just… I just feel I haven't really been able to express how sorry I am Olly, I need to tell you what was going through my mind at the time." I said passionately.
"Joey, it's in the past, as far as I'm concerned you were in a bad place and that affected your judgement, it really is ok you know."
"You're right, I was in a bad place Olly, in some ways I still am. I need help, I accept that now. I know that if I don't get help I am on a path to self-destruction."
"Will it make you feel better if I just listened?"
I smiled at him, and he smiled back. "Yeah Olly, yeah it would."
"Cool, I'll shut up and listen to you then," he said, getting comfortable.
I took a deep breath and started to talk. "You know Olly, I've always been a confident person, confident with my looks, confident with the way I carry myself. When I met Jack I thought I was straight, just like all the other people I hung around with. But then something happened and without going into all the stuff that happened, I found myself in love with him… I was in love with a guy, and I never dreamed that would happen."
"Ok, I follow, so what happened?"
"I don't know exactly. The best way I can explain it is that I thought as time went on, showing my love to Jack was making me weak and unconfident. I began to think he was out of my league."
"But why, it's clear that he loves you."
"Yeah but in my mind I felt like I was not good enough for him, and that was attacking me for two reasons. Firstly because of the feeling itself, and secondly because being the confident person I was, I could not believe I was thinking like that. Does that make sense?"
"I think so."
"Right, so when we moved to the club and he was starting to chat to other guys… other gay guys, I started to feel threatened. Yes I know it may have been nothing, but like I said, having always been this confident person, I couldn't get my head round the fact that I might lose him to someone else."
"But Joey, if you look at Jack, you must know he would never leave you for someone else, he loves you too much."
"As I've grown… as we have all grown since school, I have quickly learned that some emotions blind you from reality Olly."
"Exactly!" I said, tapping the steering wheel. "Just seeing Jack talking to another guy made me feel insanely jealous, and with that came the bad thoughts."
"Yeah, in my mind he was already sleeping with this guy, or at least arranging to. It was getting that bad, to the point where, to get back some confidence I began to be controlling, I wanted to control him to assert my authority. Trouble is, with someone like Jack, you can't do that, and that made me worse. Not only did I think he was cheating on me, I felt like I wasn't in control."
"Wow, I think I really get you now."
"Yeah, so when it all came to a head, and I heard you two in the bedroom together whispering, that was a long build-up of how he had made me feel coming to its peak. I was on the edge, paranoid, jealous, scared and almost crazy I'd say."
"Joey, can I ask you something?"
"Sure Olly, anything."
"Did you really think I would fuck around with your boyfriend, knowing we were good friends?"
I sighed. "I hate to admit it Olly, but the way I felt at the time, yes I did. I don't want to excuse the fact that is really bad, but things were really fucked up at the time and you have to understand I didn't know the light from the dark then."
"It's ok, I'm not mad or anything. I just wondered. But I guess it's a silly question really. Like you said, the way you felt then was probably leading you to manifest scenarios in your head."
"You're totally right. If you asked me that same question now, I would confidently say that I don't think, and I certainly hope you would not do that to me. After all, you and Roman seem pretty loved up and I should have taken that into consideration at the time as well, but like I said_"
"Yeah, things were not so clear then, I get it."
"I'm glad, because It's important to me that you know I trust you with my life Olly and I know you would never do anything to hurt me intentionally."
"He is a fucking fit puppy though," Olly muttered.
"Don't I know it!"
"But, he's yours, and Roman is mine and I have always respected that, and I would never want to lose your brother Joey."
I grinned. "Hey, it's ok to window shop Olly, as long as you don't buy, right?"
"Yeah, that's very true. So what's the deal with you and Jack now, is everything sorted?"
"God no, I've done a lot of damage Olly. The selfish part of me wants to tell Jack to shut up and just forgive me, just like you have. But deep down I know I hurt him really badly and it's taking him a while to get through that, and you know what? I don't blame him for not trusting me right now. I have behaved so badly towards him, said some really awful things too, it's bound to take time."
"My mum says that life has a way of working itself out, and you know, I think she is right Joey. No matter what life throws at your relationship, if its strong enough, and you really love each other, things will repair themselves eventually."
"I hope you are right Olly, and thanks for listening to me. In fact more than that… thanks for understanding."
"So with that sorted, shall we get back to your place?"
"Yeah, you got it, let's get the fuck out of here!"
Driving back the conversation turned to more normal stuff and I really felt like me and Olly had turned a corner in our friendship. It felt like the old days before our lives had become bogged down with the issues of love, Jealousy and all the shit that goes with it. To me Olly was what everyone would want in a perfect friend… understanding, forgiving, selfless and loving. My mind wandered back to how similar things used to be with Shaun before a shiver ran down my spine as to how things… how people can change. Something told me though, that Olly didn't have that streak in him, and I hoped to God that he never developed it.
With Olly and I pretty much sorted, I was now free to put all my energy into Jack, and fixing things with him. I was planning to get help, real help, and with my boyfriend's support, I think things were going to be ok.
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