The Boy from Castlebay Down
The day had come where I was unable to avoid certain members of my family anymore. Leah had been the most pressing after texting me several times to meet her somewhere to talk. My sister mind you had been much easier, choosing not to speak to me at all. My mother? Well she just kept asking Troy's dad questions which he then told me about when the chance permitted. I even think they had exchanged e-mail addresses!
In the end I had finally agreed after 2 days to meet up with Leah to take part in her favourite pastime called… talking. I shouldn't mock that actually, after all, I did have some explaining to do after pretty much wiping out our relationship in one single evening. But it all felt very messy as we hadn't actually broken up. The part that was irritating was I really wanted her to end with me! Instead, it was like she was hanging on to something that was way past being fixed. I mean, fuck, how broken can a relationship get, when one half comes out as gay?
Troy had been very patient with me as well which really helped. Plus he'd been very clear about taking things slower, something which confused me a little. As much as I wanted to have sex with him he decided that until I could sort my head out I should sleep in the spare room. At the time it bothered me he'd suggested it, but now, meh, maybe he was right. I guess he was right that things were tending to be going too fast for me to handle at times. Sex is great obviously, but sex is the easy part. I guess I really wanted to test myself with the question of, was I really ready to go straight into another relationship?
With a guy!
The noise of cutlery clanging on plates and a gentle hum of people talking were the only things to keep me from disappearing totally within my mind. I was sitting in a café window booth watching as the rain poured down outside. Leah and I had agreed to meet in this little place after I searched for it on Google maps. The café which I found sat at the peak of the Castlebay Down hill. I chose it because… well it was the only one I could find to have a conversation with Leah in. As I had walked up I realised that I hadn't yet taken the time to explore any of the local area apart from the main road that ran parallel to the sea wall. It was actually a very picturesque village when you paid attention. Trouble was, pretty much since I arrived other more pressing issues had been taking my attention.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure approaching stooped underneath an umbrella. It was Leah. Hearing the door open I looked down at my cup of tepid tea and heaved a sigh. She walked over to me looking quite depressed. Her face was wet and I was trying to decide whether she had been crying or had been affected by the heavy rain outside.
I really wanted it to be the latter, I was done with dramas!
"Hey!" I said as she slid in opposite me, putting her clutch bag on the table next to the condiments.
"Hey, thanks for meeting with me," she said, pulling a tissue from her pocket and wiping her face. "It's awful out there."
"Yeah, it is. Uh, do you want something, a coffee perhaps?"
"That would be nice."
"Cool, wait a sec, I'll get someone over."
I caught the attention of the young waitress girl who acknowledged me with a smile before walking over.
"Yeah, can I get a coffee please?"
"Sure thing, I'll bring it over."
"Thanks," I replied, smiling.
"Leah listen… oh, sorry you first."
"Erm, I've decided to head back to my mum's"
"No, I'm gonna go on Saturday, it will be cheaper. I've told your mum and Zoe."
"Cool, ok, and when will you be back?"
Her face screwed up ay my question. "What?"
"How long are you going for?"
"Corbin, I… for good."
"Oh? You mean that's a surprise to you?"
"Well, I guess I… well no I suppose not. So what does this mean?"
"Yeah, as in me and you?"
"Corbin, am I talking to your twin or something? You have been sane these last few days right? I mean you do know what you've done don't you?"
"Yes of course, I'm just a little shocked that's all."
Leah was just about to say something back when the young girl returned holding a large cup of steaming coffee.
"Here you go, can I get you anything else?"
The girl walked away with a smile leaving Leah to return her focus to me.
"Shocked? That I'm going?"
"Do you want me to stay then?"
I went to open my mouth but paused for a moment. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Her pitch increased. "Well let me make it easy for you Corbin. I am leaving Saturday and I will not be coming back."
"And how do you feel about that?"
"How do I feel? What, that my boyfriend is gay?" I winced hearing her say that. "How do you think I feel? I feel gutted, alone, scared and angry."
"So we are finished then, as a couple?"
Leah just looked at me and I watched as a tear fell over the top of her eye lid before running down her cheek. She then just nodded her affirmation.
"You know, now I've accepted it, it's almost like a relief," she said, sniffing.
"Well, we haven't been getting on for a while have we, and… and I always wondered why. I used to lay there at night wondering if it was me… if I could have said something differently or if I had become boring to you. But I feel pretty vindicated actually, knowing that this was your problem."
"I wish I had known sooner, but honest to God I didn't. To me it was a mystery too, Leah."
"D… do you love him?" She asked, looking away from me as if not wanting the answer, whatever it was.
"Leah, is that important?"
"Well, do you?"
I bit my bottom lip briefly pausing. "Yeah… yeah I think I do."
Leah heaved a sob and fresh tears ran down her face. "But why?"
"I don't know, Leah. Why is the sky blue? It's something that just happened and it came out of nowhere. If you want me to tell you how and why I'm sorry I can't because I don't know."
"I wish I'd never laid eyes on this fucking village! I was so looking forward to it do you know that? I was hoping this was going to be our fresh start… a new beginning for us. Instead I'm sitting in a café hearing that you're in love with someone else."
"We don't know what would have happened if we'd just carried on back in the old town. I was miserable Leah if I'm honest."
"I'm sorry but I was, and yeah, as you said, we now know it was not because of you, it was because of me. I was missing something in my life Leah. It's hard for you to understand I know."
"So why him?"
I shook my head and looked out of the window. "I don't know, I ask myself that question every day… every hour. He just… I dunno, he just makes things ok again."
"Have you both…"
"I wanna know!"
"So you have?"
"No, not properly, I… I don't wanna talk about that anyway."
"You know that's what hurts the most, it's not so much finding out you're gay, it's the thought of him touching you, stroking you, seeing parts of you that only I've seen."
"Then don't think about it!"
"I can't help it, it's another boy Corbin, have you any idea how twisted that is for a girl to digest?"
"So you'd be happier if it was another girl in the village?"
"Maybe, I dunno!" Leah lowered her head and looked up at me continuing in a low growl. "I just think of all the times we've had sex and now all I see is him, naked, with his dick inside you!"
"LEAH!" I hissed, blushing like a traffic light of the red kind. "I haven't done anything like that!"
"Well it's only a matter of time, it's what gay people do right? If this Troy is gay then mark my words he's gonna be asking for that soon and what are you gonna say?"
"Leah, I'm gay, and seriously, it's not an issue or something I have suddenly started thinking about and I'm sure Troy feels the same. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he wants or needs anal sex."
"Well what else is there?"
I rolled my eyes. "Are we really having this conversation?"
"Sorry, I'm just… I don't know!"
"Look, I get how this had made you feel. I didn't set out to hurt anyone not least of all you or my family. But Leah, I can't fight who I am. I can't pretend that my life before was fun or exciting because It wasn't. I was suffering mentally so much and each day was a struggle. I don't wanna live like that anymore. I don't wanna lie to you or anyone and… and if that means I have to watch you walk away from me then those are the consequences I face for happiness."
"Did I really make you that miserable?"
"No! I made myself that miserable, you were just the… the prism I concentrated it through to satisfy myself with an excuse. I was fighting something invisible Leah. Can you imagine that? It's like you have this… this thing that wants to consume you. You think you're ready for it, but you can't see it, you can't smell it, and you can't taste it. You don't know why it's coming for you or why it has the power to make you feel the way you do. It's like you're standing in a pitch black room trying to figure out just what the hell it is that's making you so utterly empty inside."
"And Troy fixes that?"
"In every way! I'm sorry, I know you don't wanna hear that."
"No, I don't, but part of the reason I wanted to talk to you is so I could understand a little better. I really want to hate you Corbin. Hating you would make this easier, but I can't. I can't because I know how unhappy you've been and I care for you that much I want that to end. If it's Troy that can make you happy then that's what I have to accept."
"You really mean that?"
"My heart is broken, of that I'm certain because I love you so much, but my heart breaks seeing you sad just as much. I guess it's one of those things where I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea."
I stretched my hand out and placed it on hers. "I dunno if this means anything, but I will miss you. I really wish things were different. In fact I really wish we'd not got together, then I wouldn't have to put you through this."
"No Corbin, I'm glad we had what we did," she replied pulling her hand out from under mine. "I'm going now, I think we're both clear on everything. Speak to your mum and sister Corbin. Stop avoiding people, it's just going to make things worse."
Her mood seemed to turn cold right at the last minute and I wondered why. I watched her get up and walk out of the café without even stopping to look back. I was now alone again, alone watching the rain fall, alone with the fact I was now technically single. That fact bothered me. Why? I didn't know. Sure, there was some relief a few loose ends had been tied up, but single? Me? How did that happen?
The rain had eased up by the time I got back to Troy's place. I text him and told him I was there and he'd agreed to meet me back at his house. Jerry had kindly offered me a key after giving me a stern lecture about not giving him a reason to regret that decision. I wondered why he had. Did he think I was gonna steal things, or make a mess? Either way it was nice he trusted me and maybe Troy had suggested he could.
Picking up my wet sneakers I used some toilet paper to dry the soles before plodding upstairs to the spare room I'd been staying in. I felt good, free, relieved of the burden I'd had carried for so long. Yes, it was over between Leah and I, yes it was official and yes I was happy… happy for her and myself. She was now just as free as I was and I knew she would be happy once more someday.
Sitting down on the soft bed I rested my elbows on my knees and ran my hands down my face, sighing. I was tired now, more mentally than physically but either way I took the opportunity to lie down and close my eyes.
No sooner had I done so I heard footsteps walking across the wood flooring downstairs before the stairs started creaking as whoever it was came up. I opened my eyes again and waited. Moments later Troy appeared in the doorway soaking wet.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, frowning.
"I live here!"
"Yeah I know, I meant I didn't expect you to get back here so quickly."
"Hmm, suspicious, hiding a cute boy under that bed?"
I grinned. "Might be… anyway seriously, I hope you didn't just drop everything just to come back here and see me?"
"Dad said it was ok, I'm going out on a catch later with 2 of the guys that will be working your mum's boat. So anyway, how did it go?"
I blew air through my lips. "It went ok I guess. We both remained calm, but she did tell me she was leaving."
"Really? And how do you feel about that?"
"Sad I guess, we were together a long time."
"Were? You mean…"
"Yep, we're officially finished. That part was actually hard to accept if I'm honest Troy. Not because I still have feelings for her that way, but because since the age of 15 it's just been me and her and I've never thought about being single before."
"Hey I get it, but really Corbin, I have no right to have an opinion do I."
"Whatever, it's done now and I feel better. So uh… now that I'm officially a single boy, how would you feel if I uh… asked you out?"
Troy shook his head. "Nope."
"Why would you want to Corbin?"
"Because I like you and I wanna-"
"Then like me, we don't have to announce our undying love for each other and I certainly don't need a marriage proposal."
I tilted my head, eyes wide open. "Hey, what's got into you."
He turned away. "Nothing, it just don't feel right you ending it with her and then asking me straight out. It feels… it feels cheap Corbin, like I don't matter… like I'm just a replacement!"
"Whoa! You know damn well that's not true."
"Yes, and that really hurts to hear you say that."
"I'll go out with you when things are calmer… Jesus, the girl ain't even left town yet, you wanna rub her face in it even more?"
I huffed like a spoilt brat. "Fine!"
"And you can cut that out, I ain't going out with a baby when the time comes."
I started to grin before we both burst out laughing and Troy jumped on the bed with me. We embraced in a long deep kiss putting to rest our little spat.
"Ewwww, you're all wet and it's making me damp!" I said, pulling away.
"I don't think that's me Corbin," Troy replied, squeezing my crotch. Yeah, what can I say, I was hard… he always made me hard!
Silence had taken over as we lay on the bed floating within our own thoughts while holding hands. It was then something came into my mind I had an urge to discuss.
"Hey, can I ask you something?"
Troy dropped his head to the side and looked at me. "Sure."
I propped myself up on my elbows. "How often do you think about anal sex?"
Troy's lips turned up until he was grinning widely. "Why?"
"Hmm, well, not very often at all I guess… where has that question come from?"
I scoffed. "It was Leah actually. She said I should be worried because sooner or later you're gonna ask to fuck me."
Troy's expression changed to one of seriousness. "Well then Leah knows nothing about me. If and when we ever do, it will be when you're ready. And, if that day never comes then it never comes… It's not important Corbin."
I looked at him tilting my head. "Do… do you want to fuck me?"
My question made Troy blush and a chuckle escaped his mouth. "Erm… well I guess it would be the ultimate display of intimacy but really, I'm not fussed."
"You're not fussed because you don't want to scare me off, or because you're really not fussed."
"Wow Corbin, these questions…"
"Sorry, I just wanna know where I stand."
"Jesus, erm, well I'm not fussed because up until this point I never thought about it all that much. I think that allowing me to be inside you would be the ultimate gift, but if you didn't I wouldn't think any less of you… is that good enough?"
"Would you like me to fuck you?"
"Oh my God!"
"Please, just tell me."
"Again, if and when the time is right then yeah I would."
"Cool!" I said, dreamily nodding to myself.
Troy shook his head and laughed. "Any other questions?"
"Yeah, are you still going to boxing tonight?"
"I was planning to, why?"
"Do you wanna come and watch?"
"Something tells me that watching someone hit you would give me the urge to jump in the ring and beat the shit out of them. I think I'll pass."
"Awww, that is so sweet! So what are you gonna do?"
"I thought about going to see my sister and mum."
"I think that's a good idea, but look, just be patient with them yeah? It's great you've sorted things with Leah, but I think she was always going to be the easy one. Your mum and sister might not have the same outlook."
"I know… in fact I already know it's going to be a shit visit, I'd just really like to clear the air, not to mention my conscience."
"I'm with you all the way beautiful, just try and stay calm."
"So uh, when do you have to go back to work?"
"Dad said I could take a couple of hours, why?"
I smirked. "I'm uh… feeling a little, well you know?"
"Ahh, now that I can fix."
Troy got up from the bed and was just about to take his winter coat off when I took hold of his wrist and looked into his eyes wearing a serious expression.
"What is it? What's wrong?" he asked.
"I want to…"
"Want to what?"
"You know, experience it."
Troy frowned at me until suddenly the penny dropped. "Ooohhh, you mean you want me to…"
I nodded. "I mean, is that ok? You can say no if you want to, it's just, I-"
"No, it's fine, I really want to, I mean as long as you're ready and all. But I fear you might not be."
"I am… I want you so bad I ache. What erm… what do I have to do?"
"Well, uh, I remember my first time was easier if we start off with you on your side."
"Ok," I replied, starting to tremble with excitement and a mild fear.
"I'll uh… I'll go get my lube. Corbin, are you sure you wanna do this?"
"I can see you fucking me in my mind and it's making me so horny. Ever since I left the café all I can see is you inside me… I really want you to, please Troy, I need this!"
Troy cleared his throat and nodded. My statement probably alarmed him such as its desperate tone. But that's how it was. The more I looked at him, smelt him, spent time with him, the more I wanted this. I was a virgin and that excited me.
"Does it excite you?"
"The fact I'm a virgin?"
"Sorry, I was just thinking aloud really… but obviously I am you know."
"You excite me full stop!"
With that comment he left the room and returned moments later holding a large bottle of lubrication called Glide. Placing it down we started removing our clothes until we were both standing facing each other naked. I stepped towards him and placed a long lingering kiss upon his lips before pulling away and smiling.
"So, uh… are you ready?" he asked. I could see him shaking as the anticipation started to build. My senses were on overload as I climbed onto the bed and watched him step towards me, my eyes fixed on his beautiful body. I swallowed hard knowing that my journey of sexual discovery had just begun. This time there would be no interruptions, no issues or guilt. No, this time I was going to experience all of him in the most complex way.
And I couldn't wait!
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