Harvey and Leroy
by Patrick Holm
I was lying in my bed, pensive and sad, reflecting on my life. It was around four in the morning, but I showed no signs of falling asleep. I wasn't really the typical teenager; I was quite mature, basically level-headed and I didn't smoke, nor did I care for drugs. I wasn't interested in partying or going to night clubs, which was all very well considering I was only five foot four. When I did go to parties I preferred talking to people rather than dancing and singing. I felt much too embarrassed to do that. I cared about my schoolwork and my grades. Having said all that, don't get the impression that I was uptight and boring; I just preferred smaller groups of friends and a more peaceful atmosphere. All my friends and family meant a lot to me and still do. I was gay and I don't really like labels, because I'm open to loving relationships with both boys and girls. You could say that make would have made me bisexual, but it doesn't really matter either way. To be honest, I did like some girls in the past, very much so, but I've never really formed a relationship. I suppose I was never the kind of boy girls wanted. I think I always ended up in the friend zone. Girls were a bit of a depressing experience for me and they got annoying. I wanted a boyfriend, not someone to wank with, not a 'sexy quickie', not a quick cum or anything like that; I wanted a proper relationship with another boy. It was hard to find a boyfriend in person and naturally I turned to the internet, which had a low success rate. I never met many decent boys in chat rooms; all most wanted was a quick wank on the webcam and I grew out of that fast. I feel ashamed of wanking over webcams now. I longed for something more than that. Do you hear boys complain about girls? And girls complain about boys? I'll let you know now. Both are as bad as each other! When I did come across gay boys I thought were decent, they turned out to be leading me on or they just cut contact with me for no reason at all. It often left me feeling quite hurt because I cared about people, even if I had no reason to.
I was fairly emotional and sensitive below the surface, yet I managed to appear calm and placid despite how sad I might be and this wasn't because I was ashamed or embarrassed of emotions as some people are. I was just a stoical boy. There was one boy from the internet whom I absolutely adored, and I swear blind he felt the same. He claimed he did. He lived nearby, which was good. I saw pictures of him. He was a decent looking lad, but it was only ever me to go on webcam to him. One day for an odd reason he just said bye and deleted me, because I didn't follow his odd requests for once. He wanted me to put a white school shirt on, because it 'turned him on', but I didn't have one. I put my foot down after the numerous times he asked, but it didn't mean I stopped liking him and I tried to make that clear. He was obviously using me, but I just hope it wasn't me who did anything to upset him. I used to rush home every day to talk to him. So I was devastated at losing him. I got better eventually; you couldn't get me down for too long. Looking back, his prime urge was having sex and he wanted to keep me a secret, but he told me that he didn't want us to be seen together in public, even if we acted as friends. I could sort of understand, I guess. He said this in a sweet and flattering way. 'Oh, I want to keep you all to myself. You're my special boy'. I was very charmed by him. He had me well and truly in his trap. I would've been so proud of him myself. I thought about him as I lay there. I felt very depressed. I really thought I had found someone special. It seemed evident that I'd never find my boy. As the sky outside began to lighten, revealing a drizzly, grey July morning, I drifted off in to an uneasy sleep.
I still felt I was a lucky boy considering my situation, although I wasn't out as gay. I knew wholeheartedly that my mum and dad would love me the same as always. I loved them both. You won't believe how fortunate I felt for being their son. I just worried about the abuse from the outsiders. Although not completely effeminate, I did have a slight 'campness' that I used to get teased about in school. Poof, bender, queer are a few of the delightful insults. It didn't get to me too much or happen too often. I had many friends, though, and I wouldn't necessarily hang out with a lot of them, but I'd definitely say I was close to them. People tended to turn to me for advice. I was told that I was kind and a good listener. I could also give good advice. I've always been a loyal person and I never ditch people. It's my natural disposition. I wasn't an arrogant boy, not on the whole. I do value a lot of the qualities I have and did seek them in a potential boyfriend. It seemed very unlikely that I'd meet such a boy, until one midsummer evening, out of the blue I decided to go into a chat room for gay teen boys. I went on and advertised myself, my age, my area, and what I was looking for and someone actually answered, saying 'finally, someone decent! I've been looking for a boyfriend too and we live close by!' I was glad, but at the same time I wasn't expecting much. I had grown a sense of caution after the many failures with boys I had spoken to before. We exchanged MSN addresses and we had a great conversation. We eventually decided to add each other's Facebook profiles and mobile numbers. He had a beautiful and soothing voice. For a couple of weeks we were texting and talking on the phone, only about superficial things, but we were getting close. We didn't waste any time letting each other know we fancied one another. Knowing how much we liked each other, I asked him out on a date and he accepted. It was like a dream come true. Judging by his internet persona he seemed like a great guy. He was handsome with his dark blond hair and greenish pool-like eyes. He also had a nice character to match his appearance. He seemed thoughtful, sweet and true, with a calm and pleasing temperament. We spoke over our phones and we agreed on a date for us to meet, Saturday the 13th August. We decided to go out to the cinema and then a restaurant afterwards, old-fashioned and simple, just how I wanted it. It didn't matter if we went to the cinema or ate at all because I just wanted to be with him. I couldn't contain myself for the next week! My mum noticed, much to her pleasure.
"You seem very happy recently, Harvey," she said in a satisfied voice.
"Oh, I am," I replied. "My mood's picked up so much!"
"What was wrong in the first place?" She expressed this with a look of curiosity.
I blushed. "I've just been in one of those moods. Don't worry about it, Mum. It wasn't really anything serious."
She seemed very happy that I felt better. When I look back she worried a lot when I was sad, sometimes more than she needed to. You won't believe how much of a change it was having someone who liked me too, someone who reciprocated my feelings and desires, someone who seemed different from all the others. At that time I was happy, but partly scared at the prospect that I may have found my first boyfriend… and all I really knew at that moment was that his name was Leroy.
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