by Nick Brady
It wasn't dark when I got home but the sun was dropping behind the hills beyond the river and I was late for supper. Mother had already put food on the table and she and Dad and Kevin were eating.
"Well hello", mother said with some concern in her voice.
It smelled good in the house and I suddenly realized I was very hungry and glad to be home. "It smells good in here, what's for supper?"
"Baked chicken and rice", Mom said, "What's left of it".
Dad looked up at me without smiling and glanced at his watch and then out the window. "It's getting dark earlier now. You need to watch the time." Kevin as usual said nothing, but took it all in.
"Sorry", I said, "I lost track of time."
"Where were you?" Mom asked.
"Oh, just riding my bike with a friend. A kid named Tony that I met at the YMCA. You don't know him. His family is from Mexico I think."
"Does he go to your school?"
"Uh, no, he is a little younger than me. He probably goes to Cleveland Middle School."
I attacked what was left of supper and it grew silent around the table. Mom began to clear off the dishes and she and Dad went in the kitchen where the clatter of dish washing began. Kevin stayed at the table and silently watched me eat.
"I think I know Tony," Kevin said quietly.
"Yeah?" I replied without looking up.
"Yeah. I was on Rivertrail today and I saw you guys riding your bikes."
I didn't respond but continued to eat. I felt a cold knot form in my stomach and wondered where we were when he saw us. I hoped it wasn't when we were going in or out of the brush at the river's edge.
"He goes to my school, to Cleveland," Kevin said.
I didn't respond and after another few minutes of watching me eat with my eyes focused on my plate, Kevin quietly left the table. I exhaled and realized that I was scared. What had Kevin seen? What did he know? He hadn't said much but something felt wrong.
I watched a little TV and then took out the trash as the sanitation truck would come in the morning and that was one of my chores. Mom and Dad were in their bedroom and Kevin was in ours. It was like being alone in the house. I went into our bedroom where Kevin was laid back on the his bed reading a science fiction paperback. I undressed to my briefs then grabbed some clean ones and started for the bathroom. Kevin didn't look up.
I turned on the shower and brushed my teeth while the water warmed up. I turned the hot down low and turned up the cold water. I wanted it to be nice and cool. I stepped in and let the water play over my body. It had been a very long day and I was tired and a little queasy. After a few minutes I turned the warm water off completely and let the cold water fall on me. It felt good. I put my hands on the wall on each side of the shower nozzle and let the cold water rain down on my head and tried to move so that it flowed evenly over both my front and back. I spread my legs and lifted my balls and pulled back my foreskin to let the cool water rinse those sheltered places. I turned my back to the spigot and spread my ass cheeks to cool off my hot asshole. I felt dirty for some reason. After 5 minutes or so I took the bar of Lifebuoy and began to wash myself all over. The soap smelled clean and reassuring. By the time I rinsed off I felt better, dried off, put on my clean underwear and went back to the bedroom.
Kevin had already turned off his bed light and was lying on his side turned away from me with his knees curled up towards his chest. It was hot and he had on only his briefs. I sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at his back. He was very slender but beginning to fill out a little, his shoulders were rounder than they used to be, and his back had some muscle in it rather than skin over backbone and rib. The last time I had seen him naked his hairless dick was that of a little boy. He was the same age as Tony with whom I had had both oral and anal sex only a few hours before. Now I wasn't sure Who Kevin was. It was amazing that we could share a room and not be more intimate than we were.
I turned out my light and the room grew very dim, illuminated only by the light from the street which came in through the window. I thought back over the day, a day filled with sexual excitement and new experiences. When I closed my eyes I could see images of Tony's naked body which continued to excite me. But I also felt a sense of disquiet. I was on unfamiliar territory. I thought about Jack and wished he was with me so we could talk. And then I fell asleep.
The final weeks of summer went by quickly and without much incident. I saw Tony at the Y only a couple of times and wanted to have some fun with him but there were too many people around, or he had to go, or something else interfered. Despite my concerns about our last time together at the park, the sight of his naked body always made me horny and I wanted to be with him.
Then one morning just before my school started I saw Tony at the pool. We swam around and played grab ass like we did when we first met. We felt each other under the water and both got hard. We wrestled around and slid our hard dicks against each other's naked bodies. It make me horny and I really wanted to get off with him but he said he had to go. I got out of the pool and went to the dressing room with him, not wanting him to leave before we had had some sex play. In the dressing room he dried off and I took his semi-erect cock in my hand and slid the foreskin back and started to stroke him with one hand while I rubbed his ass with the other. I was still naked and almost hard.
Tony had such a nice ass, brown and smooth, and his ass cheeks cupped in at the sides when he tightened his butt. He was solid and muscular with rounded pecs and shoulders and a firm flat belly ripped with rows of nice little abs. I ran my fingers up under his balls and pinched the skin at the inside of his thighs. It was just smooth skin over hard muscle, no trace of fat anywhere. He was beginning to sprout some straight black hairs around the base of his dick now and his dick seemed thicker than at the first of the summer.
"You are growing some hair on your dick", I laughed.
"You got more on yours too" Tony replied. Tony glanced around to see if any one else was in the dressing room and flashed his white teeth at me. "Wow man, you really horny."
"Hey, its been a month since we've done anything. Are you really in that big a hurry?" I asked.
"Yeah, I really got to go." Then Tony grinned, "Come on man, I can help you out."
He took me by the hand and led me behind the last row of lockers. Crouching down he put his hands on my hips and pulled me towards his face, sticking out his tongue and lifting my dick into his mouth. He immediately took me all the way into his warm mouth and sucked hard while he pulled my skin back and rolled his tongue around my dickhead. I took his head between my hands and let my fingers stroke through his soft shiny black hair. With one hand he pulled and squeezed my balls and with the other he slid his fingers between my ass cheeks. I pushed my hips forward and fucked his face, feeling the head of my dick pop down the back of his throat. He pressed his lips together so they stroked my cock as it pumped in and out of his mouth, all the time flicking his tongue from side to side over the bottom of my dick. It felt fantastic and in just a few minutes he brought me to a screaming climax that buckled my knees.
Swallowing every drop of my cum, he milked out a last lick and then kissed my dick goodbye.
Jumping up he tweaked my nipples and kissed me quickly on the lips. "I gotta go man," and Tony pulled on his clothes and blasted out of the dressing room leaving me with a dick that was still partly hard and twitching. It surprised me that he was able to bring me off so quickly -- like a pro, I thought.
I dressed and walked the few blocks from the YMCA back to our apartment building. Dad was at work of course, and Mom was out somewhere. Kevin was in the living room on the sofa. The TV was on but he was reading a book and oblivious to the tube. It occurred to me that I had not really talked to Kevin for a long time. Just the necessary exchanges that were part of living in the same apartment, sleeping in the same room.
I sat down in the soft chair that went with the sofa and looked at him. Kevin was 11 going on 12 and beginning to grow noticeably taller. Not as tall as me yet but Dad predicted that eventually he would be. Where I had red orange hair and very pale skin, Kevin's hair was a light brown and his skin was a little darker. He had been a towhead when he was little and to be honest, was a nice looking guy.
Kevin was lean, more so even than I was, and had a quiet grace about him. Like a cat, I thought. He was almost always quiet -- moved quietly. Where I would set a glass down on the dinner table with a bang, he would set it down noiselessly. Where I tended to talk loud enough to be heard in the next room, Kevin only spoke loud enough to be heard by the person he was speaking to. There was something very focused and deliberate about Kevin and I admired that, even envied it a little as I was more impulsive and as a result tended to screw up more often.
I had just had sex with a boy no older than my little brother and it caused me to look at Kevin in a different way. Not with a sexual desire, but with the realization that I probably didn't know Kevin as well as I thought I did. He had a life apart from me and from Mom and Dad just as I did. We had never had secrets from each other because it simply wasn't necessary, but now there was a part of my life that I did not want him to know about. It flashed me with cold dread to think that my parents would be aware of my secret activities. I did have secrets now, and they were heavier than I imagined.
Kevin finally put his book down across his stomach and looked back at me as if to ask what I wanted. I suppose I thought I was invisible sitting there staring at him but of course he had been aware of my presence.
"Hey," I said quietly, without moving.
"Hey. What's up?" he answered in the same quiet voice.
"Nothing. I guess I'm just sitting here."
"It's not like you to sit and be quiet", Kevin observed, "What's up?"
"You know Tony from your school?" I asked, surprising myself. I hadn't intended to mention him to Kevin but I had to know what Kevin knew about him. Kevin looked at me and bent the corner of his book and closed it, dropping it on the floor. "What about Tony?"
"Nothing, I just wondered. I met him at the YMCA pool, he has a brother my age. You said you knew him from school"
Kevin looked away from me and picked his book up off the floor. held it for a moment then laid it down again. "He keeps to himself at school, real quiet. I have never seen him hanging out with anybody. His brother walks him to school and picks him up, and when they talk to each other it is always in Spanish."
"Well what's wrong with that? They are from Mexico and maybe it's easier for them to speak in Spanish." I felt a little defensive. "His English is fine, he doesn't have any trouble talking to me."
"No, you guys looked like you were really tight."
I waited for Kevin to say something else but he didn't. He just looked back at the foot of the sofa and left that hanging out in the air. One of the maddening things about Kevin was not what he said but what he didn't say. He always seemed to imply more than he actually said and left me to figure out what was left unspoken. I wanted very much to know what he had on his mind but was afraid that maybe I shouldn't ask. What did he know about Tony? I realized that there was probably a lot about Tony that I didn't know and it began to gnaw at me a little.
Maybe Kevin was waiting for me to say something else and when I didn't, he quietly opened up his book and started to read again. I started to ask him what he knew about Tony and his brothers but thought better of it and got up and went into the kitchen to make a sandwich.
I put the sandwich and a handful of chips on a piece of paper towel, poured a glass of milk, and back to the bedroom I shared with Kevin. We had an invisible line down the center of the room we shared. We might have had a little more floor space if we had stacked the beds into bunks but compromised for a small piece of privacy. The beds were on the opposite sides of the room and we had agreed long ago on what was Kevin's and what was mine.
What was Kevin's tended to be orderly and what was mine tended to be messy. Kevin's bed was loosely made, his clean clothes were folded and in his dresser drawers, and his dirty clothes were either in his clothes basket or hanging on the side of it where his aim was off a bit. He had a small bookcase crammed with books, mostly paperback Science Fiction, and the stuff on his desk was stacked into a couple of piles with an open space in the middle where he could write.
My covers were hanging on the floor, my dirty clothes were tossed in a pile at the foot of my bed and my clean ones were in the basket just as I had emptied them from the drier. They rotated from the basket to my body and then to the pile on the floor. My desk was covered with an assortment of "cool stuff" -- some small swimming and baseball trophies, a soccer ball, my baseball glove with a ball tucked inside to hold its shape, a loose stack of comics, and some clean but unsorted socks. I had a wall shelf with some model cars and various important items I wanted to display. My dresser and the floor under my bed contained the bulk of my belongings where they had been shoved quickly when Mom went on the rampage about my mess.. We coexisted by following the principle of don't look, don't comment. It worked for us.
I looked around the room and wondered what clothes I could still wear to school this year and which ones would be offered to Kevin as hand me downs. He hated that but surprised me by wearing some of my outgrown clothes as if he liked them. I started going through the piles of stuff, sorting them into my stuff, stuff to be offered to Kevin, and stuff that neither of us would want, this being the largest pile. I turned on my little jam box and cranked it a little since neither of my parents was home, and started working through the piles.
After about 30 minutes of this Kevin came in the bedroom and sat cross legged on his bed, watching me with a crooked smile on his face..
I looked up at him and offered the obvious explanation. "It's that time of year again."
"Ah yes", Kevin smiled knowingly, "Christmas in August. My new back to school hand me downs."
"Well, don't feel special", I said, "Half of them came from Goodwill in the first place."
Kevin chuckled, "Yeah, I know. It's cool. Our clothes came by their weathered look the honest way."
Kevin looked at me. "About Tony, I don't really know him very well. I may have spoken to him a couple of times but he doesn't know me. Like I said, he is very quiet at school."
"What else do you know about him?"
"Nothing really, but some guys talk about him."
"Talk about him -- what do they say?"
"People say all kinds of things. I don't like to repeat things I don't know are true. It might all be bullshit."
"OK, no problem. I chalk up most of what you say as bullshit anyway", I smiled.
Kevin smiled in return. "OK, fair enough." then he looked very serious. Even though there was no one else in the house, Kevin lowered his voice. "Some guys say he is queer, that he and some of his brothers hang out along Riverpark all the time. A lot of gay guys cruise the park looking for sex so it makes you wonder. I have seen him there myself. "Kevin paused a moment and said even more softly, "I saw him there yesterday with you."
My heart started pounding so loud that I was sure Kevin could hear it, and I could feel the prickle of sweat popping out on my neck and body. "No, that is bullshit. Tony is a really nice guy, he wouldn't do anything like that."
"I didn't say he did anything. You asked me to tell you what I know and I did."
Then as if he had already said more than he intended, Kevin abruptly stood and walked quietly out of the room, leaving me sitting on my bed.
I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I sat stunned, thinking about what Kevin had said -- and what he had not said. He had told me the truth as he knew it and in return I had lied to him. He had not accused Tony of anything, nor had he accused me of anything. He didn't seem angry or disgusted. It occurred to me that he told me to warn me, and that he was concerned for me. I took my little brother for granted and he knew what was going on in my life better than I did, and still cared about me.
I was in this situation a lot deeper than I realized and it really scared me. Tony knew an awful lot about sex for an 11 year old. But then Kevin knew a lot more than I had realized. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a while, I really prayed for help. This was too tough for me to deal with by myself and I wanted a way out -- please, please....
I woke up when I heard Mom call me to supper. It took a minute for everything to come back to me and fill me with that cold feeling again. I went into the kitchen where Dad and Kevin were sitting at the table. I looked at them like I had just come back from a long trip and was glad to see them there. I recognized the remains of the Sunday roast with a new side dish of cheesy potatoes and some green beans -- a store bought cake sat on the counter for desert.
Dad didn't look up from something he was reading but Kevin was looking at me as I sat down in my place, and said "Hey" to acknowledge me. Suddenly I realized how much I loved my little brother -- quiet, serious, faithful Kevin. I felt a lump in my throat when I gave him an answering "Hey". That was all we said or needed to say. Dad commented on the state of the storage shed that Kevin and I were responsible for keeping organized. Mom told Dad about some friend who was having a baby then reminded us that we were starting school on Monday and needed to sort out our clothes.
"Nick went through his stuff and gave me a lot of things", Kevin said. He was kind of defending me, I thought.
"A lot of it is pretty ratty", I said, "We could both use some new stuff".
Mom paused and looked at both of us. "Well, you boys are growing. I guess we need to do some back to school shopping this weekend." Dad looked at us and nodded his approval.
Everything was so -- normal.
As soon as supper was over and the dishes washed and put away, I went back to my bedroom and wrote a note to Jack.
"Jack. I really need to talk to you. Please call me when you get in. Nick"
I took a map pin off the bulletin board and went up to the third floor to pin the note to Jack's door. When I pushed it into the door, it swung opened revealing Jack at his desk..
"Don't you know how to Knock?" Jack said when he saw me in the doorway.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were home. I was sticking a note to your door."
"Yeah? What does it say?" Jack said with a smile.
"It says I really need to talk to you." I said solemnly.
Jack caught my mood and his smile disappeared. "What's up Nicky?"
The use of his pet name for me opened a flood of emotions and I felt my eyes get wet. "I think I have fucked up really bad."
Jack motioned to his old sofa and sat down to be next to me, "Hey, what's wrong?"
I closed the apartment door and sat down on the sofa next to Jack. I hesitated for a minute not knowing how to begin, then I cleared my throat as best as I could and started to tell him everything at once. All about Tony and how I showed him the pool window, about how we jerked off and sucked each other, about riding our bikes to Riverpark and fucking each other in Tony's secret place. I said it all, all run together in a hurry to get it all out, crying a little and stuttering a lot but dumping it all out like puking up something nasty. Lastly I told him about what Kevin told me about Tony and how unworthy I felt to have a brother like him and such a nice normal family when I was such a freak, and....
Jack looked worried. "Whoa Nicky. Take it easy." He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. It felt so good to be in his arms. "What are you most afraid of?" Jack finally asked.
"I think Kevin knows I am gay", I said. "Maybe Mom and Dad will find out. Maybe the kids at school will find out and call me a fag."
"What do you know about Tony?" Jack asked.
"Nothing really except that he can be fun to play with."
"You do realize that some gay men use the park to meet for sex don't you?"
"Not really" I said, recalling that my Dad had been the one to tell me not to hang out at the park. He said it was OK to ride through but not OK to goof around and hang out there, especially by myself. My Dad told me that, not my Mom. That meant it was important.
"What does Tony mean to you? Jack asked. "Do you think you love Tony?"
"Well, I like him. No, I guess I don't really know him well enough to say I love him." I wasn't sure what Jack was getting at.
"Does Tony love you?"
"I don't know. He said I was special."
Jack looked intently at me and said, "I told you before, sex is powerful magic. When you do it with someone it should mean something special. If it doesn't then you are just using each other to masturbate. Tony might be a really fun guy, but you don't know who else Tony is having fun with, you know?"
"Nicky, I am afraid for you. You are so innocent and there are so many who would take advantage of that. You need a really nice friend your own age. Guys like Tony are exciting but Tony is in great danger of getting hurt really bad."
"But Tony is the only other guy I know who likes what I like."
Jack frowned a little and said, "Think about it Nicky, You are doing oral and anal sex with a boy who may be a prostitute, You put yourself in danger with a man who molested you, you are very worried that your brother knows what you are doing, and very afraid that your parents will discover what you are trying to keep secret from them. You are in danger of getting hurt really bad here."
Jack was telling me the unvarnished truth and it hit me like a punch in the gut. I knew he did it because he cared about me and was concerned for me. It made me realize that I had been lying to myself about how dangerous my actions were. Overwhelmed by fear and shame, I began to cry.
Jack put his arm around my shoulder and pulled my to his side. "I'm sorry Nicky. I know it's hard to hear all that but you need to realize that what you are doing is dangerous. I would rather hurt your feelings than see you really get messed up."
"I hate myself." I sobbed. "It's true, I'm really a dirty faggot, and everybody's gonna find out."
"No Nicky, don't say that. You didn't ask to be gay any more than I did. Simply being gay isn't your problem any more than being straight is a problem. If a straight guy tries to screw every girl he thinks will let him get in her pants then that's a problem. You might hear some locker room talk about how macho that is but you know it isn't honorable. That's why I won't do sex with you Nicky. Because it isn't honorable." Jack looked at me very seriously. "Think about it Nick. Who do you want to be?"
Jack turned and looked intently at me. "Being gay doesn't keep you from being an honorable person, a good person. Being gay is an accident of birth. What you do with it is what matters. Basically, the rules are the same whether you are gay or straight."
He took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes. "You are a good person Nicky. I told you that before and it is still true. Don't sell yourself short. You are impetuous and impulsive but that is because you are young and have a lot to learn, but you are a good person. Do you believe me?"
As I thought about what Jack said I decided that I did believe him, I just had to. And I decided that maybe my prayer had been answered.
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