Lost and Found

by Jack Kendle

Part 1

Chapter 18

After dinner was over, I thanked Rosie for her help as we prepared to leave. She took me aside as the kids donned their shoes and coats. "Jack, if there's anything I can do to help - if Hannah's going to be very busy, then you know I can take the children whenever you need me to. I know you have enough to do as well. Aren't you getting ready to take your orchestra on a foreign trip? Don't think twice about asking me. I can always say no if I'm too busy, which I'm sure I won't be, not for Tommy and Emma, anyway." She paused. "And, Jack," her tone was different, more concerned, "if there's something bothering you, something which maybe I can help with, then I hope you won't think of me being prying or nosey, but please, Jack, please let me know. I'm very fond of you, you know, and I know how much the kids mean to you. If I can offer any advice, anything at all, then I hope you will come to me. I would hate to think of you suffering in silence."

I could say nothing. I just stared at my mother-in-law for a moment or two. What a curious little speech! How much did Rosie know, or guess? She still had the worried look in her eyes.

"Don't worry, Rosie, I will. Thanks." That was all I could say. She gave me another of her hugs, followed by special gran'ma kisses for the kids and we left for home. Tommy and Emma, in the back of the car were chattering about the day; Honey, Grandma, her wonderful pasta and all sorts of things that gradually became a background drone to my thoughts as I drove along. What a weekend it had been! I was suffering from sensory overload. So much had happened, I had found out so much. I had met JJ, had come out to him, who said he loved me and whom I said I loved, I had heard about Daniel's troubles, I had had sex with Leo... all this in forty-eight hours! I really needed some time to myself to think this all over. Thank God Hannah was working late. I was grateful. It meant I had some time for reflection. I seriously needed to talk to Jacob.

Arriving home, I began the chore of getting the kids' stuff ready for school the next day. The house was spotless when we got in. I imagined Hannah, scrubbing and polishing through gritted teeth, blaming me for not being there to help but deciding to make me feel guilty by doing the chores on her own. Little petty battles, minor victories, sniping at one another: this was what our marriage had come down to. The kids' clothes for school were washed and pressed, a note on the table about what to make for their packed lunches, which was unnecessary, because I made their lunches as often, if not more often, than Hannah did: another small token of her wanting to rule the roost. Eventually, the kids were washed and finished their homework, school bags were packed and they had half an hour for TV before bedtime. I went into my office with a drink. I would check my e-mails and do some admin. work for the next days' teaching before I got Tommy and Emma to bed. The usual spam waited for me in my in-box as well as four messages: one each from Leo, JJ, Daniel and Jacob. I felt a tremor of anticipation as I saw whom they were from. I was almost too nervous to open them. I decided to start with Jacob's mail:

I closed the message and as my hand hovered over the mouse, debating which e-mail to open, I found myself trembling slightly. I clicked on JJ's message:

I took a sip of my drink. I really was shaking all over. This was the real thing! Another man was in love with me! And what a man! I saw him again, in my mind's eye and in my imagination, I began making love to him, slowly removing his clothes, taking in his well-built physique, covering his tanned body with my tongue... I felt my cock straining against the material of my trousers. No! Not now! I would have to wait until my children were safely in bed and asleep before indulging myself in anything like that. But, I promised myself, I would indulge myself!

There were just Leo and Daniel's messages left. I chose Daniel's first:

This was the longest speech I had had from Daniel. I guessed it must have been hard for him to write. After having met him at his home and what his mother and JJ had told me, I was ready to make all sorts of concessions to help this hurt and confused lad. I felt angry with the men who had hurt him so badly, rape is never something one can or should forgive.

My thoughts began to turn on Leo and myself. Was that, in the eyes of the law, rape? Was I as guilty as the men who had forced themselves on to Daniel, when I had sucked Leo off? I knew that what I had done with Leo was wrong, but I hoped and believed that the circumstances weren't the same as Daniel's trauma. Leo had both asked me to make love with him, and often told me he 'loved' me, even though I tried to say that 'love' was a big word. I had, all the same, betrayed his parents' trust and also abused my position of authority. What if Leo, after a few weeks or months or even years had a change of heart? What if he decided that what we had done last evening was against his will? Then I would be guilty of rape or at the very least forcing him against his will. It would be my word against his, but even if I was believed and not Leo, the slur would always be on my character. That alone would be enough for my employers to demand my resignation, my wife to divorce me and me to lose everything I had. It was a chilling, sobering thought. I was suddenly very scared. I recalled recent newspaper stories about men coming forward in later life, levelling accusations against their parish priests. Even though the deed might have been done years and years ago, when the boys were teens, or younger, it could still come back to haunt one. Just then, a scene replayed itself in my brain. It was from a long, long time ago. I had been approached by a stranger - a man - when I was a boy, playing alone in the park. Nothing 'happened,' but now, I remembered, suddenly, the feel of the man's large, clammy hands on my flesh. I shuddered involuntarily. I had completely forgotten the encounter until this moment. I saw now, that what had happened with Leo and me was a very stupid thing for me to do. I don't know what I had been thinking. I had allowed myself to be ensnared by a very beautiful boy, without exercising the strength of character to say no. My cock had done the thinking, not my brain. Leo's only sixteen! He can't be mature enough to know exactly how serious it was, what I had done. On the other hand, I thought, if I had said 'no' to him, he might have exacted revenge by reporting me for something that never even happened. Although I couldn't ever believe that Leo would do such a thing, it was something I had to take into consideration. I had been unbelievably stupid. I only hoped and prayed that my 'worst case scenario' wouldn't come true. My future life and happiness was literally in Leo's hands.

I sat at my desk, as these thoughts tumbled through my brain. I almost wish nothing at all had happened, even though it was the most wonderful thing for me, a fantasy come true. That's exactly it, I thought, grimly. It should have stayed as a fantasy. As soon as it became fact, I was in real danger.

My eyes refocused on Daniel's e-mail. I didn't know how to reply to it, I even debated whether I should just not answer and back off totally. But then I had JJ and his mother to consider. They both thought that I could be of help to him. And JJ knew all about me and if he still thought that I could be of help, then perhaps I could be. However, I would have to be less personal with Daniel than I had been with Leo. Anyway, Daniel was recovering from a trauma, so it would be very unwise of me, damaging even, to come on too strong. I began to type:

I hit 'send' and leaned back in my chair. I didn't want to say too much about Leo to Daniel, they would have to find things out about each other themselves. If they clicked and became friends, then perhaps they might take their friendship to the next stage. But it was not for me to meddle too much. I couldn't dictate how they should feel.

Leo's unopened message was still waiting. What might it contain? Was it an angry reaction to last night? Was my worst nightmare about to come true? Was my world about to come crashing down about my head? I couldn't open it, not yet anyway. I got up and in an effort to calm my thoughts, I set about the process of getting Tommy and Emma to bed. I needed a bit of time before I faced what was in that message. Leo wouldn't do that to me, would he? Last night he was so happy. I took some comfort in the fact that the message was from him, and not from Elsa or Felix. It had to be okay, I reasoned. It just had to be.

Half an hour later, the kids were in bed, and, thinking 'to hell with it', I took the bottle with me into the den. I was very nervous. My one and only sideways step in my marriage. Would I be unlucky enough to have it all blow up in my face? I poured myself a very large scotch and opened Leo's message:

I immediately relaxed a little. Thank God, this didn't look like the opening of hate mail. I read on:

I was smiling as I read Leo's mail. I felt a huge surge of relief that what I had been fearing appeared to be groundless. However, I knew that I would have to be more careful and that Leo and I needed a real grown-up chat about the implications of what we had done. Ideally, it would be brilliant if he and Daniel did become boyfriends. At least they were the same age. I wondered what they would be like together. Food for another fantasy, which I would save for later! I pushed the thought to one side. Right now, I had Leo's mail to reply to:

I sent the message. I thought about the lovely blond boy at his computer, sitting in the same chair in which I had sucked him off last evening. I recalled the taste of his cum. I thought of him jacking off, thinking about me and us, together! That was the greatest compliment he could ever pay me, he probably didn't even realise. It would be nice to chat with him and he had a webcam... more fantasy material! I sat in my chair, my fingers rubbing my hardening cock. Images of Leo, Daniel, JJ, went through my mind as I kneaded my tool through the material of my trousers. I wanted to make this session last a good long time. I didn't want to just whip out my cock and frantically jack off. I wanted a long, slow session. Apart from that, I knew that Jacob, on the other side of the world, almost, was probably waiting for me to go online. And I did need to chat to him. So, still horny as hell, my hard cock gently leaking precum into my boxers, I went online. Sure enough, there was an invitation from 'lioncub'. I accepted and noticed he wasn't online. Probably 'practising' I thought with a lewd grin. Jacob, however, was online. I signed in.

As I was about to sign out, the icon flashed. 'lioncub' had just signed in. My heart almost missed a beat.

I opened Skype and saw that Leo had sent me his contact details. I initiated contact. Meanwhile, his image appeared at the top of my screen. I saw my blonde bombshell sitting at his computer. He was smiling. I enlarged the image as much as I could. It was somewhat grainy and the movements were jerky, but it was my lovely sexy Leo right in front of my eyes. He leaned in closer to the webcam. I could see his amazing cornflower-coloured eyes sparkling.

"Can you see me Jack?" he asked. I replied that I could.

"Wish I could see you too," he said, "but at least I have your voice."

"Did you get my mail?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yes. I suppose you're going to tell me that we can't do any more 'stuff' together." His brow creased.

"If by 'stuff' you mean what we did together last night, then I think it might not be wise," I replied very reluctantly.

"Didn't you enjoy it?" Again, the worried look.

"O Leo, my beautiful, beautiful Leo, it was the most amazing thing I have done for a very, very long time," I replied

"But why...?" he started. I interrupted him.

"Listen, Leo. What I did was wrong. If I ever got found out, the consequences for me would be dire."

"But, Jack... I've told a hundred times. I won't tell a single soul. I wanted you to do it. I begged you, remember?"

"How could I forget?" I replied.

"So, it's alright then," said the teen.

"Leo, you said you talked to Jacob?"

"Yes, I did. I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me to find someone my own age, aren't you? I would if I could, Jack, but I'm scared."

"Leo," I replied, "there's nothing I want more than to make love to you, to have your wonderful naked sexy body next to mine. But for your own good, I really think you should find a boy of your own age. Maybe you'll find out that it's not what you want after all and that girls will turn you on."

"No way... NEVER" said Leo, hotly. "I know what I want, Jack. I want to sleep with a man ... well... if it was someone my own age, maybe it would be easier. But YOU are the one I think about, Jack. I've jacked off four times today thinking about you. And I'm getting horny again!"

Oh, the wonders of being a teen! If I were able to jerk off as often as this boy! I remembered Pete and me together, all those years ago. We were constantly with our hands in either our own, or each other's underwear! I smiled to myself.

"You still there, Jack?"

"Yes, Leo, I'm still here. I was just thinking..."

"I bet I know what about," smiled the angelic face. He began to stand up. He was shirtless, and as his lean defined chest passed in front of the webcam, I was almost drooling. He stood to reveal himself in his red speedos. The snug garment hugged him tightly, riding very low down on his slim hips. I saw a faint fuzz of his pubic thatch disappear into the material. His teencock was outlined, clearly defined behind the taut material. I watched his cock expand, lengthen before my very eyes. This was too much! My own tool hardened instantly, causing me great discomfort, within the confines of my clothing. I saw Leo's long slim fingers as they traced lightly over his member. The trunks held his balls close in. His cock lengthened and with a slight adjustment, Leo pushed it so that his cockhead peeped over the top of the red speedos.

"You like, Jack?" said Leo, his voice thick with sexual desire.

I had no voice by now. I stared at the screen and the vision of loveliness being revealed to me. This boy was so sexy! I saw his thumbs hook themselves around the waistband of the trunks and slowly, oh so slowly, he teased them over his throbbing cock, down out of sight. His boyhood stood to attention, the balls hung free, the left lower than the right. In the dim light of his computer screen, I saw his blond pubic hairs at the base of his hardening member.

His narrow waist and slim hips made his hard, pulsing cock seem even larger; he was well endowed for a boy just turned sixteen - about five inches long, not so very thick, but still a good handful! He pulled back his foreskin and allowed his proud, purple cockhead to flare, free from its confines of skin. He was producing prodigious amounts of precum, as I had savoured myself only yesterday. With his thumb and forefinger, he gently massaged his cock, spreading the slick juices down the shaft. This boy sure knew how to put on a show! The darker skin of his cock glistened, the blue veins pumping the blood keeping his erection firm. Oh to be a teen again!

His other hand came into view, and began to massage his testes. He rolled them between his fingers. His ballsac was hairless and hung low. I was transfixed by the picture on my screen. Leo began to move his hand faster and more purposefully up and down the shaft of his engorged cock. I saw his flat stomach behind, rising and falling as he breathed fast and shallow. I heard his breathing, interspersed with low moans. He switched hands and I saw his free hand move up, over his stomach towards his nipples. He was stroking harder and faster now, enveloping his shaft with his fist. I saw his balls begin to withdraw upwards, he was getting close, so close. His moans increased in intensity and frequency. And then, finally in a glorious eruption, and with a loud exhalation of breath, and a stifled, boyish yell, his juices spurted from the head of his cock. Great gouts of thick, white, creamy cum. Rope after rope shot from his piss-slit, landing God only knew where. Gradually, the spurts subsided. I counted six altogether. Now his cum was gently dribbling over his fingers and down onto his pubes. I saw Leo squeeze and cajole the last drops from his softening cock. He collapsed into the chair behind him and I saw his chest, neck and finally his flushed face come into view. Now I saw where most of his cum had ended up; his neck and chest were liberally splashed in strings of white, opaque boyjuice. He was breathing heavily and smiling into the webcam as he began to spread his jism over himself, licking his fingers clean. He spread some of his cum onto his ruby mouth a contented grin on his face as his pink tongue flicked out over the lips. It was then I noticed I too had cum, violently, into my underwear. I had been gripping the desk tightly and my knuckles were white. I relaxed my hands. I felt my own seed soaking into my boxers, the warm thick juices creating a damp patch on my trousers.

"You didn't make me do that, Jack," gasped the teen. "No one can say you forced me into this. I did it for you. I wanted to do it for you." Looking almost coy now, his boyish face alight, the eyes sparkling. "I only wish it had been your hand on my cock, not mine. Please say you'll do it to me sometime, Jack?"

Somehow, I found my voice. I croaked: "Oh Leo. Yes. Yes."

"Did you cum too, Jack?" the boy's face took on a less than angelic aspect.

"Without even touching myself," I replied. "I'm soaked!"

"Good," grinned the teen. "I want to make you cum myself. I want to see you cum, Jack!"

I couldn't help myself; "I want you to do it to me, as well, Leo," I replied. Fuck the consequences! I really wanted this boy. I was becoming convinced that we would be able to have sex together without any hangups, or complications. He had proved to me that he really was into me and at that moment, with all my fantasies and dreams looking as if they might become reality, I wasn't going to say no!

"I'd better go clean up," he said.

"Me too," I replied. "Thank you Leo, you are sooooooo sexy!"

He smiled. "I hope we can do it soon, Jack," he said. "I can't wait!"

"Me neither," I said.

"Can I see you Tuesday?" he asked. "I'll use our composition lesson as an excuse."

"You are a sly one!" I laughed. "You had all this worked out beforehand, didn't you?" Leo just smiled, "Yep!"

"Well, okay then. But don't be disappointed if we can't make mad, passionate love. It would probably be too risky at the school." Leo looked a little disappointed. "But we'll still be together," I added. He brightened again. "Okay, Jack. See you Tuesday."

"Okay, sexy boy. Now go get dressed before someone comes in and discovers you," I said.

"My door's locked," he replied, grinning. "But I had better get going. School tomorrow! 'Night Jack. I love you!"

"G'night, Leo. Sleep well. I love you too."

He leaned in towards the webcam and blew me a kiss. Then he clicked it off. I sat for a while reliving the events of the past few minutes. I was deliriously happy. The most beautiful, sexy boy in the world, the object of my desires and fantasies was mine! I thought of all we could do together, all sorts of scenarios in which he and I could indulge our passions in each other's bodies. Ignoring practical problems, I indulged myself in the pleasurable reverie.

My crotch was still damp and becoming uncomfortable. I needed to shower and change. I remembered JJ's message to call him. I would take a quick shower first. I closed my e-mail and IM just in case Hannah came in while I was in the shower. Even though I might be able to have sex with both Leo and JJ as well, it all had to be very clandestine. I would have to be very careful. I also knew, at the back of my mind that my fling with Leo could not be as full-blown as I would have wished I sighed. In a perfect world, I thought, we could be together in public. No one would frown on our relationship. Men and boys together, with no hint of shame, secrecy or scandal. Public expressions of our love, with no fear of the religious right or the frowning moral majority screaming for our destruction.

But, in the real world, this was of course not a possibility. I often thought that those who governed us, made our laws, decided what was right or wrong, never even considered the fact that it could be the younger boy or teen that desperately sought what was considered taboo, utterly despicable in the eyes of others. It is a fact that it is natural for boys to have homosexual tendencies, which may or may not lead to a gay lifestyle in adulthood. But for those poor, confused boys, the message was always the same: it is wrong. God and society frowns on homosexuality. And the lowest of the low was always the man who harboured sexual feelings and also genuine feelings of love for young boys. The sexual predator, the pederast, pervert, pouf, pansy, the paedophile. If only the letter 'P' didn't exist in the alphabet, these words wouldn't exist! How could it be wrong to be intimate with a younger man/boy, if both of them, at the time, wanted it? It was as if society had decided that at the magic age of eighteen or twenty-one, a youth suddenly became able to make up his own mind? Sometimes, sadly, in some places that age NEVER came; to be gay was wrong, both for dogmatic religious reasons as well as ideological ones. It was absurd! I sighed again. Unfortunately, we lived in this world, with the laws, rules and regulations and censure that accompanied them. It had been some time since I had been forced to examine my situation as closely as this. Leo's arrival in my life had stirred up a great deal within me. That JJ and Daniel should appear almost at the same time, I thought was an extraordinary coincidence of events. Suddenly my life was caught up in the agonising examination of my own feelings, my life and, of course, the future. That all these events and people should burst in on my life at the same time was almost overwhelming. I almost started wondering whether this was no accident but some design!

It put into sharp relief my attitude to Hannah, my marriage and our children. Here I was, aged forty, at what was fast becoming a turning point in my life. If I should let it be so. I could, of course, carry on as before, frustrated, angry, cowardly. But didn't all these events call upon me to act? It was as if I was being challenged to face up to myself and make some tough decisions. I thought again of Leo; he was an infatuation. If I were brutally honest with myself, he was just a sex object for me. I was the first person who had ever done anything like this with him. He had fixated on me. If I was objective, I saw that he needed to find a boy his own age. He needed that kind of relationship; the same as Pete and I had had. If he and Daniel were to get together like that it would be ideal. For my part, if I wanted a real relationship then JJ was for me. With him I felt that my feelings were so right and that he understood. It wasn't just a sexual thing with JJ, though, I must admit, I was very attracted to his incredible body. With JJ, it was a meeting of minds as well, we were on the same intellectual level. Leo was still a teen, with his over-active hormones raging. Our relationship, if there ever was one, would only ever be physical. I saw that JJ and I would have more. I would have to go through some real soul-searching. Did I have the courage to face up to what I really was? Was I brave enough to confront Hannah, bringing her world as well crashing about her ears? I so wanted to be brave. To come out and declare myself. Not to be ashamed. Could it ever happen? I didn't know.

I must have sat for at least an hour as these thoughts went through my mind. I got up, feeling the hardened cum in my boxers tugging at my pubes. I really needed that shower! I shut down the computer, filled my glass again and taking my cell-phone with me, I went upstairs. I would have a hot shower, try and get some order into my muddled thoughts and then get into bed from where I would call JJ. That is, if Hannah was still at work. I looked at my watch. It was ten-thirty. I was debating whether or not to call her office when the house 'phone rang. It was Hannah's mobile.

"Jack, hi. I'm going to be quite a while longer here. I'll probably be very late. Everything all right with the kids?"

"Fine," I replied. "We had your mother's famous spaghetti. The kids are all tucked up, schoolbags packed. I'm just off to bed myself, I'm rather tired."

"Okay then, Jack. I've fixed it so I can take the morning off from work, so don't wake me"

"Alright, I'll get the kids to school."

"Thanks, Jack. Bye."

"Bye." After she had cut the connection, I wondered why she had used her mobile 'phone and not the office one. Out of sheer devilry, I called her office number. No reply. If she wasn't in her office, then where was she? More cause for suspicion. Just to be a real bastard, I left a message on the office's answering machine. I made up some story about having forgotten to ask her something about the kids' timetable the following day. Not that I needed to know, but I wanted to somehow get at Hannah: I was becoming convinced she was having an affair. It would be interesting, at any rate, to hear her explanation tomorrow!

In the bathroom, I peeled off my clothes. My boxers were now stiff with my cum and my pubes a matted mess. It had been worth it though! I couldn't remember the last time I had cum without even touching myself! I thought again about Leo's show he put on for me. The boy was a real tease! He knew exactly where he had me! I only hoped he wouldn't make a habit of it with other men. I wondered if his show had been just for me, or whether he had 'done it' with strangers on the 'Net. I somehow couldn't believe that was the case, he was still so young, still, thank God, naïve in the wicked ways of the world, I thought. But if he did go down that road, it would be real trouble. I was a bit worried. He had all the potential of being a very successful rent-boy. I would have to have a word with him about that. With me, perhaps it was all right, but I didn't want him to get involved with strangers. He was treading a fine line. The world is not a safe place for boys as beautiful as he. It was even more important that he had an outlet for his sexual urges and libido with a boy his own age, in real life, not with strangers either on the Internet or in seedy public lavatories or dark public parks. Not that I seriously thought it would happen, but, in truth, he must be noticed by other men when he walked down the street. His own unsuspecting nature was no protection against the dangers he could face. I called them dangers, but wasn't I exactly like those sad old men in grubby raincoats? Wasn't I like the loiterers in public lavatories? I tried to justify myself as being above them, but really, in the eyes of the world, that's exactly what I was. Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!

I stepped into the shower and let the hot water massage my tense body. I was NOT like those 'dirty old men' young boys were warned about. I had never done anything in my whole career to justify that appellation. I began to rationalise; Leo had instigated everything. I had tried my best to let him know how serious it was, but he persisted, he begged and I had given in. He knew the score. Both Jacob and I had told him, repeatedly I began to relax. I fondled my cock and balls, managing only to achieve 'half-mast' - the penalties of age, I thought. I didn't mind, however; I really only wanted to shower. I had had my sexual release for the evening. I looked forward to snuggling down in bed and chatting with JJ.

I dried myself off, slipped into my shorts and after checking on Tommy & Emma, turned off the lights and went into my bedroom. JJ and I chatted for a very long time, finding out more and more about each other. When I did go to sleep, I felt enveloped in a warm glow that I hadn't felt for a very, very long time; it was love.

END OF PART I

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