Backdoor Slider - A Love Story
by Joe L
"I'm going to fucking kill him," I growl as I try to throw on some clothes without ripping them.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck," Luke has pulled the covers over his head and keeps repeating himself.
I look back over at my brother, who is goading me to continue having sex with Luke so he can take more pictures. I give him my most hateful look, but he seems unfazed. He just shrugs his shoulders and looks back at his phone. He starts pressing buttons. He's sending the pictures to someone. He's sending the pictures to our parents.
I bolt for the front door, but it's hopeless. By the time I run down the stairs and around the building, my brother will have sent as many pictures as he wants with time to spare. Still, I feel like I'm running in slow motion. How did it come to this? We figured that David knew about us, but what could we do? He lulled us into a false sense of security. We never worried about someone seeing in Luke's bedroom window. There's no way anyone could see in unless they actually stood on a ladder right outside of the window... like what just happened. The window overlooks the parking lot and the street, and there's no building across the way, just open space. Luke likes the sunlight, so we never closed the curtains after the first couple of times we had sex in his room. So we were careless. But how did he get a ladder? How did he even get here? I'm going to kill him.
As I run around the corner, I see Katelyn standing near the ladder, just as David takes the last step down onto the ground. Her sister must've brought them here after school, and just this morning I had asked Alaina about this. She never said that she took them to Luke's apartment.
"I just think you're making a big mistake!" she says, turning around as she hears me coming.
"Because they're in love."
"Like I give a flying FUCK!" Just as he screams the word "fuck" at his so-called girlfriend, I reach him and violently snatch the phone out of his hand.
"I'm outta here," she says and turns to me. "I'm sorry."
"Go on, then... you... stupid bitch!" David calls after her.
I start deleting picture after picture; there are so many... pictures of me riding Luke... pictures of Luke jerking me off... pictures of me kissing Luke... pictures of Luke holding me while I sleep. Tears start to well up in my eyes as the realization hits me. Nothing is ever going to be the same again, but I concentrate on my rage. I'm not crying in front of David.
"You're too late," he says as I continue to see more and more snapshots. I hear Luke coming around the corner on his crutches. "I sent my favorites to mom and dad. I was starting to think I wouldn't get any good action shots... I mean, taking a nap together? Jesus! But then, you certainly didn't disappoint me at the end. I think I got some great shots that especially Dad will LOVE."
I make sure I've deleted every picture, and his last sentence pushes my fury over the edge. I throw his phone at him as hard as I can, but my frenzied state causes my aim to be poor. The phone shatters against the wall behind him, and he looks scared for the first time. I rush over and pin him to the wall by a forearm to the neck. It will take everything inside of me not to kill him.
"Don't, G," Luke says softly, and I turn around to look at him for the first time since he came around the corner of the building. He looks so sickly, almost green. It's probably a combination of the shock of the moment, combined with the pain of coming down the stairs on his crutches. I loosen my grip on my brother, slightly.
"Why did you do this?" I don't know what to say, so I start with the question I already know the answer to.
"It's time you know how it feels to be the bad son... the fuck-up... the big disappointment."
"So how long have you been spying on us?" I try to control my anger.
"Actually, today was the first day!" he says with pride. "It went pretty well. I have to thank the maintenance man for leaving the ladder unattended."
"You're such a liar. You were spying on us on the camping trip." I spray him with spit as I talk.
"Eww, you guys were doing it on the camping trip, too? Gross!"
"Then how did you know?"
"I always thought you were hiding something, and I thought that secret might be that you were a fag.... but I never thought you were being faggy with Luke." The sound of him saying the word "fag" has made my rage boil up to the max again.
"Look, you little piece of shit. I may love to suck dick, and I may love to take it up the ass, but I'll NEVER be as big of a FAGGOT as you!" David looks confused. Why did I just say that?
"I'm not so sure about that. ANYWAY," he continues. "I thought you were off fagging around... sorry FUCKING around with some guy, and Luke was just covering for you. I saw your faggy necklace a few times–" I slap him across the face as hard as I can, and he looks like he's about to cry, but quickly composes himself. "Okay, STUPID necklace… and then, when Luke gave me a piggy-back ride down the hiking trail, I saw he had the same one. That's when I knew."
I turn around and look at Luke, who looks totally dumbfounded. He's clutching his head as he leans up against the wall of the apartment building. David uses the momentary loosening of my grip to break away and make a run for it.
"Tell mom and dad I said hi!" he yells with triumph as he runs off. I take off after him, but Luke calls after me.
"Let him go," he says, and I stop. "It won't do any good now."
"Let me help you get back to your room."
"I can do it," he says, getting back on his crutches and heading for the stairs. I make sure I'm right behind him, so he doesn't fall. However, I can tell that he doesn't want help and doesn't want to be touched. After a few minutes, we make it back up the stairs and Luke gets back to his room.
"What should we do?" I ask. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare.
"Is there any way you could get to your parents before they check their phones?" he asks.
"Lemme see if I have any message from them yet." I check my phone, and I have one from my dad. It only says, "Get home right now." I show it to Luke, and we just stare at each other in silence for a moment.
"I guess you should just go and get it over with," he says. I was hoping for something like: "Everything's gonna be all right as long as we have each other." I stare at him with an expression that is begging for support and comfort, but he continues to just stare back at me blankly. I guess I can't expect the world. This is what he's been dreading and terrified of since we've been together, and for a long time before that, I'm sure.
"I probably won't be able to talk to you until we see each other at school tomorrow. The last time my dad got mad at me, he took away my computer and phone, so I think I can expect at least that tonight."
"Uh huh," he says, emotionless.
"Do you need anything before I go?"
"No," he says.
I gather up my things and walk over to Luke's bed.
"We'll get through this," I say with as much confidence as I can muster. I lean over to kiss him good-bye. He turns his head away, clearly not wanting any part of that. "Bye." I say, trying to hold back the tears as I leave his room, and then his apartment. That really hurt.
The next thing I know, I'm sitting in my car in the driveway of my house. I don't even know how I got there. I have no idea what I'm going to say. I see the front door open, and my dad appears in the doorway. He stares at me with contempt and disgust for a couple of seconds, then turns around and closes the door. This is going to be the worst thing I've ever gone through.
I take a deep breath, get out of the car and head inside. I walk into our living room, finding my parents sitting on the couch together. My mom has clearly been crying, and when she sees me, she starts sobbing into my father's chest.
"Garrett, what you've done to us... after all we've done for you... and as much as we've trusted you...." His voice starts to crack, and with tears in his eyes, he turns away from me and continues to console my mom.
"Dad, I didn't do anything TO you. It's just that Luke and I have fallen in love, and–"
"SODOMY!" He yells. Now, my dad is going to show his true colors. "I can't believe that MY SON.... Have you been tested for AIDS?"
"I'll pretend that you didn't say that. My sex life is none of anyone's business, especially David's... and especially yours."
"We are YOUR parents, and it IS our business because you are too young to have a sex life."
"Luke and I are in love, and we're seventeen. The physical side of our relationship was inevitable–"
"First of all, you have NO IDEA what love is. What you are doing is WRONG and PERVERSE. I knew I shouldn't have let you start that… body building stuff. It's just… UNNATURAL and... LOOK at what it led to!"
"I'm not a body builder. I weigh a little over 150 pounds now. I just exercise and eat right because I'm an athlete, and I take it seriously. I'm gay, and I've known that since 6th grade. I didn't tell you because it's really, really hard to talk about, and I didn't think you could handle it. I'm not ashamed of it, but I felt that it was best to stay in the closet at least until I go to college. But then, Luke and I realized that we were in love with each other, and things progressed from there. I actually consider myself very lucky to be gay because I have Luke. We–"
"You're never seeing LUKE again," he says. That threat means absolutely nothing to me.
"I'm sorry, but I am."
"Give me your phone and go to your room so your mother and I can figure out what we're going to do." He extends his arm out to me so I can hand him my phone, but I just slam it down on the table in front of me and run upstairs.
I head for my room. I notice that my bedroom door has been taken off the hinges, and the door knob and lock have been removed. That's a nice touch. I also see that my computer has been taken out. By the looks of it, it's been ripped out. The wire connecting the computer to the phone jack has also been ripped out of the wall. It might all be ruined.
I've seen enough, and decide to kill some time in the shower. I turn on the water as hot as I can stand it and lean my head against the cold tiles. I just stand there, wishing I could go back in time just a few hours. I have to think about what I need to say to them. I need to think of a good answer to anything they might say or ask. I think I've handled it pretty well so far. Whenever they bring up the sex, I'll counter it with the love.
I've been calm and reasonable, and I didn't let their ignorance get me riled up. Maybe I can talk my way out of this, or at least we can come to some sort of understanding.
I get out of the shower and head to my room to get dressed. As I walk down the hall, my dad calls up the stairs to me.
"Garrett, get dressed and come down stairs."
I throw on some clean clothes, take a deep breath and head down to see what they have to say. I look at my mom, who starts wailing as she sees me. She buries her face in her hands. She may not ever be able to look me in the eye again, thanks to my brother.
"Garrett, we've decided to try to get you some help," my dad says slowly.
"What do you mean?" I brace myself. This could be really bad.
"Tomorrow morning, a couple of gentlemen from a treatment center will come pick you up. It's in Utah and it's called 'New Foundations'. It's a place for kids like you that are confused, and they will let you know that you have other options besides the lifestyle that you're currently choosing." My worst fears are confirmed. I lose my ability to speak for a moment as I stare back at my parents in disbelief. "Then it's settled."
"No, it's NOT SETTLED," I erupt. So much for staying calm and reasonable. "First of all, I am GAY. There's no way that anyone can change that. These so-called treatment centers are dangerous places. They rule by intimidation and torture, and the most important thing is that they DON'T WORK."
"Garrett, this place is totally safe, and they do not use those kinds of tactics."
"Do you think they would tell you if they did? The people that run these places... they're all smiles and sunshine on the outside, but they're some of the most dangerous people in the world. They disown and excommunicate members of their own families for much less than being gay. These people are trying to push society backwards. Everyone's attitudes towards gay people aren't going to magically go back to the way they were in the 1950's. The older generation grew up thinking that being gay was a mental disorder. Everyone knows now that's not true. Once that generation dies off and can't vote anymore, we won't have to worry about stupid laws being passed. I really believe, in the near future, being gay won't be a big deal anymore. It just something that happens. I'm gay, and that's just the way it is."
"Garrett, you've been brainwashed by the liberal media. Now, we're your parents, and you're still a minor. We can make decisions that we feel are in your best interest. We feel now that we can't just let this 'gay' thing happen. We have to try to help you or we just couldn't live with ourselves."
"I'll tell you this RIGHT NOW. If you send me to this place, I'll never forgive either of you. It won't help and they may actually hurt me or kill me. If I get out, I'll still be gay... I'll still be with Luke and in love with Luke... AND you'll lose me for the rest of your lives."
"Don't be so melodramatic, Garrett," Dad says as he stands up and starts to leave the room. This has always been his method of winning an argument: to leave the room. "Someday, when you're more mature, you'll realize that we're only doing what's best for you."
"Mom, please look at me!" I sit down next to her and hold her hands in mine. "I'm not done talking about this."
"Garrett, please tell me the truth." She finally looks me in the eye and detaches her hands from mine to wipe away some tears. "Do you have unprotected sex with other men?"
"No mom, I swear. This thing with Luke, it just happened. I didn't plan it, but we've always been very close and loved each other as friends. By some amazing coincidence, we're both gay, and we fell in love. What you saw is... it's not what our relationship is all about. There's so much more. We make each other so happy, just being together."
"I just don't understand–" she says.
"That's fine! I can work with that. I wouldn't expect you to understand, but you need to hear me out. I've always tried to be a good son and a good person. I've always tried to be good in school and I always went to church. I realized I was gay in the 6th grade, and at first, I felt my life was over... that I would always be miserable. I prayed every night... I mean EVERY SINGLE NIGHT that there could be just some small piece of me that could be attracted to girls. Then, I could clutch onto that little piece and try to have some sort of normal life... but it never happened."
Just as I was getting into the most heart-felt part of my confession, my brother bursts in the front door.
"Hey everyone, what's for dinner?" he says as loudly and sarcastically as he can. I start to yell at my brother, but my mom beats me to the punch.
"YOU! You get out of here RIGHT NOW," she seethes. I have never heard her use that tone of voice before. It sends chills up my spine.
"ME? What did I do?" he says, trying to look innocent.
"YOU tried to DESTROY the family. Now, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" She makes a blood-curdling scream that I'm sure I'll never be able to forget, and he slams the door behind him as hard as his puny arms could manage.
"I'm sorry Garrett, please go on. I really do want to hear what you have to say." She pats me on the knee, and I try to shake myself out of the shock from her scream.
"Uhh yeah, anyway... you said that you didn't understand what I was going through. Do you know how you can't even imagine what it would be like to be sexually attracted to a woman?" She nods. "Well, it's the same for me. I literally can't even IMAGINE what it would be like. I've wanted to be attracted to girls... I've prayed to be attracted to girls, but I just don't even have the slightest idea what it would be like. It just does not exist anywhere inside of me. Do you understand?"
"I think so, but you've been lying to us for so long. How can we trust you now?"
"I wish I didn't have to lie. I wish I could shout about my love for Luke from the rooftops, but I just can't the way society is right now. I only didn't tell you the truth to protect you from... THIS. I thought it would be easier for you to deal with once I was an adult and out on my own."
"It wouldn't have been any easier to hear later, Garrett. Your father and I had such high hopes for you."
"You still can! I'm smart, I'm a good athlete, and I'm very happy. I have very high hopes for myself, too!"
"Can't you just go to this place for a little while? Can't you listen to a different point of view and then make a decision?" she asks. I feel like everything I've just said has fallen on deaf ears.
"I can promise you that it won't help. These places are being shut down and some states are trying to outlaw them completely. They're harmful. If you send me to that place, I'll do whatever it takes to get out as quickly as possible. I'll just do and say exactly what they want me to. If they can see through my act, they might do some terrible things to me. Is that what you want?"
We sit in silence for a minute. She finally shakes her head.
"I'll talk to your father."
I help her with dinner, and the three of us eat in silence. For a minute, I wonder where my brother ran off to, but I really don't care. I wonder if Dad is as furious with him as Mom. I certainly am.
I head upstairs, pinning all of my hopes on Mom. I do my homework, as a distraction, also with hopes that I'll be around tomorrow to turn it in. It's amazing how going to school after being outed is actually the better option at this point.
I finish around 8:30pm. I decide to exercise myself into unconsciousness, beginning with as many push-ups as I can do on my bedroom floor. I obliterate my old record, and I lose count. I guess there's a lot of energy and frustration that I need to get out. After recovering sprawled out and panting for a few minutes, I start doing sit-ups. After my abs are fully on fire, I crawl into bed on the brink of unconsciousness and quickly drift off.
I awaken the next morning to the sound of a noisy vehicle outside of my bedroom window. I peer out my curtains, seeing exactly what I was afraid of… a large, unmarked white van and two large goons walking up to my front door. I quickly head to the bathroom and get in the shower to stall and weigh my options. Should I make a run for it? Even if I get away, they could send the cops after me. They're probably prepared for anything that I could come up with. That's why they sent those two guys. I guess I'll go with them and start my new life without my family. After I get out of the treatment center, maybe Denise will take me in. Luke and Denise are my real family, anyway.
I head downstairs to see my parents standing by the front door.
"Garrett, this is Mr. Hart and Mr. Wilks," Dad says. They are sitting across the room, staring at me. They don't acknowledge me, except for slowly standing up, seeing what my next move is.
"So this is how it's gonna be?" I ask, turning to my mom. She starts sobbing and runs from the room.
"Garrett, I–" Dad starts to reach for me to pat my shoulder, but I turn towards the door.
"All right, let's go."
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