Singer Without a Song
By Chris James
Chapter Eleven
The hike down off the mountain the following day was like re-entering a familiar world but with a new vision of life. Amazingly they had discovered it together during that one wonderful night.
The mind game they had played, and all its ramifications, had kept them up half the night examining and attempting to fathom the meaning in that wonderful act. In the end they both realized it was only a glimpse of greater things to come.
"To study the way of the Buddha is to study oneself. To study oneself is to forget oneself. To forget oneself is to be enlightened by everything." John had recited last night and Alan felt a door open in his mind, one that would never ever close again.
"Meditation is the key to realization," John had said. "Your powers could extend to the limits of the universe if you understand that self is only an illusion. Our feet are made to move ourselves forward one step at a time, but there is no self to the believer who experiences freedom from a self-centered existence. Does this mean he cannot walk? This person will stride the world with his heart and mind liberated from suffering. The Buddha asks us to be a lamp unto ourselves. This means we must test the teachings we are given for ourselves."
"But Namkhai is the source of all this great knowledge," Alan protested, "I should really be able to learn the Way only from a wise teacher."
"To become what?" John challenged, "Another teacher? If all were teachers who would be students? If every man became a monk and every woman a nun, who would populate the world? Mankind would perish if we were not reborn for lack of a vehicle. No, Alan, knowledge is only part of the universe we all share. It gives us purpose. Namkhai seeks to impart the training that allows you to control the Inner Eye of the Mind. He won't tell you how to use it. You'll have to accept that this training is only a beginning, but I'll be there to help you."
"So, just as there are teachers there must be students, and students can learn from each other. I can't imagine becoming a monk. I think it requires a totality of commitment I just don't have in me," Alan said.
"Agreed, right now I don't think I could make that commitment either, does that make you happy?"
"Yes, it does...and I'm thankful," Alan said. "We both have so much going on in our lives, aren't we better off being out there in the midst of the battle instead of being in a monastery praying all the time? I can accept Buddhism and still spend the rest of my life coming to terms with the teachings, that's gonna be hard. You've already begun and sometimes I don't know how you do it?"
"Because I want to cast off the chains, I want to be free of the self image and fakery that we both see every day at school. Those people haven't a clue what path they're on. I already have a destination in mind. I may be years ahead in practice, Alan, but you have a gift many would give a life or two to obtain. It must be wonderful to know how much you could benefit others."
"But I couldn't do it without you, John. I don't think I would want to. This gift has allowed me to reach out to you. What we just experienced I could never share with another creature. It might harm them whereas it gives meaning to us."
"I'm sure love has never been so well defined," John laughed. "I must remember to thank all the powers that be you're so devoted to me."
That one special night left them wrapped in each others arms for warmth and devotion. Alan had transcended his protestant feelings and became Buddhist in heart and mind. Namkhai could not have inspired a better transformation. But even so, Alan had this nagging feeling that the monk was sitting somewhere in the back of his mind and guiding the way of things.
He would accept Namkhai as mentor. That would be possible because he knew John would never be far away. But now there was work to do and Alan was most anxious to begin the journey back to the monastery.
For his part, John had surrendered completely to the need for physical love. The very act left him trembling in awe and confounded that he had not given in before to these glorious feelings. Maybe it was because he had resisted the idea of actually being gay for such an extended period of his life.
But he also knew it was because of Alan's comfort with himself as a gay person that things had changed. He knew love because they found it within the community of men. Genuine people like Louie had slowly broken down all resistance to the truth. There was no kidding himself anymore, he was gay and the boy walking beside him was the future of his life. Now if he could only get his parents to understand. He would have to approach that barrier carefully.
And so they stumbled down the trail, physically tired but spiritually refreshed and ready to face the next challenge, which at the moment seemed to be Namkhai. Of course the monk would probably already know what had happened on the mountain. Alan's mind had expanded once again and Namkhai was tuned to seek out such changes in the boy.
Alan didn't feel either defiant or contrite about the way he and John had shared that vision. But now he felt capable of accepting the wisdom of the Nine and hoped that Namkhai was up to the challenge of teaching him.
Alan's legs trembled with the effort of resisting the slippery slide down hill, but except for that, what John had done between them all night still brought a smile to his face.
Wow, the boy was a hot lover. Louie would say he had scored big time, but then he'd already known it would be wonderful. Of course John had a slightly different angle; he loved the idea that someone loved him. He accepted simple whereas Alan was always after some complex answer.
They stumbled past the barn and down the path to the rear gate. It was time for a meal and then a bath before settling in for prayer and meeting. But first Alan had to find Namkhai, to end the suspense for them both. The monk was in the office talking with the secretary so Alan waited patiently in the hallway.
"Master Alan, you have returned to us so soon, we did not expect you back until tonight," He said.
"My body went there to find an answer and instead my mind found a purpose. I came to tell you it would be great honor if you would teach me the path."
Namkhai smiled and nodded his head as Alan bowed to show respect for the lama chosen to guide his life.
"So we shall begin," The monk said. "To the uninitiated it will seem like a ponderous task but I have no doubt you will succeed. Perhaps the boy I once knew has become enlightened by putting aside himself and instead choosing to accept everything."
"Yes, teacher," Alan said.
"Then tomorrow we will light the lamp together and turn the page. There will be little time and only a basic understanding will follow. But you shall carry the lamp with you when you go and we will meet again sooner than you might expect. Go wash and feed your body so the mind may take its nourishment, you will need great strength."
Joy suffused his tired limbs as Alan trudged down the hall to the bath. John was already in the wash room and the sight of their naked bodies made them both smile as they washed. Alan felt he could probably stare at John's body for hours. Damn, the boy had a cute ass.
Alan poured a bucket of hot water over himself and felt the luxury of it strip away the deep ache in his muscles. Now if only he could get these monks to make a decent soap, something that would produce a little lather, this might become a fun experience.
At the table John shared their experience with the Buddhist brothers, at least the part about the natural beauty of the mountains. Josh's face held a secret smile. He would only be guessing at the truth, no one would ever know about what had really transpired.
Josh always seemed so taken in by the beauty of the natural wonders around him up here in the forest. It had to be quite a change for a city boy and Alan was glad he had finally been accepted here. He cared for the herd of goats, cows and chickens as he might have cared for his family, if they had only bothered to return his affection.
Alan attended the afternoon prayers and thanked the Buddha for his life with John. He thought about Tommy as well. If only it had been within his powers to heal the child. But then even now he didn't know if that was possible. He prayed that Tommy might be reborn into the world and soon.
Alan's body was tired but his mind was defiantly active. He was sure that some change within had finally given him control over the visions. Maybe it was because there was safety with Namkhai guarding him so closely. He prayed for the enlightenment of his teacher.
The Buddhist protest movement this spring was going to be quite public and Alan began to see a purpose in all of this. He would be there with Namkhai and surely the two of them would be able to influence some of the minds they encountered. He knew it was not Namkhai's way to enter minds unbidden and therefore it should not be his either. Persuasion was one thing. A frontal assault would not be possible without abusing the power.
He prayed for guidance to use the gift to the best of his abilities to end the war. The radioman was never far from his thoughts. He mourned for the man's loss of love and hoped he would survive. He prayed for the poor soldier in whose body he had experienced that moment of pure agony. May his transgressions against his fellow man be forgiven. Since he had paid the ultimate price for his error, Alan thought he deserved another chance.
Alan would never know what had brought all those men together in that jungle clearing, except that they all were suffering. He looked up at the Buddha and saw that tonight he seemed to be smiling benevolently. The Buddha knew all about him. He had walked only a short while on the path to enlightenment but already Alan knew there was a place for him here.
The rest of his day was performed in a fog. Namkhai was kind and allowed the boy to leave his studies early. John didn't look much better when they sat down for supper a short time later.
It would have to be an early night, Alan realized after nodding off during the evening prayers. The hard straw covered pallet seemed like a soft mattress as he lay his head down and mumbled a good night to John who was already fast asleep.
Alan's mind snapped awake about thirty seconds before the temple bell sounded. He turned on the light as the echo of the bell's tone faded away in the cold morning air. John groaned but they were both up and heading for the washroom five minutes later.
The morning prayers were followed by a decent breakfast of oatmeal and tea. After the prayers, Alan went and sat in the small library until Namkhai came for him, he didn't have long to wait.
"Good Morning, my student," Namkhai said.
"Good Morning, my teacher," Alan replied.
"Please go to the kitchen and fetch me three oranges and a knife," the monk asked.
"Yes sir," Alan replied.
The cook smiled and gave him a plate and knife, pointing to the pantry door where the fruit was kept. He picked three good looking oranges from the crate and took them back to the library.
"Good," Namkhai said as he returned, "Now let us go see our Master."
Alan was puzzled, he thought of Namkhai as the master. Who else here had knowledge beyond that of his teacher? They crossed the dark courtyard and went through the doors into the hallway behind the temple. When he reached the stairs to the aviary Namkhai stopped and Alan was shocked, was it Deeban? Could he be a Master of the Inner Eye? He almost dropped the plate and Namkhai steadied his hand.
"I will tell you something before we go up. Deeban is my great-uncle and quite an educated man. His elderly status allows him the freedom to tend the birds and do small chores around the monastery. But do not be fooled by his age, he is Master and we are both his servants. I can tell you only this much now but you will understand soon enough."
"Thank you for the knowledge," Alan offered and they began to climb the stairs.
The birds greeted them with morning songs and Alan felt relieved that this was the place chosen to begin his training. To him it would always be a special place and he felt John's spirit close beside him in support. Namkhai gestured to the cushions facing the windows and they sat, waiting for the Master to appear and occupy the third cushion.
Alan could not have been more surprised when Deeban finally walked in wearing a tall quilted cap and purple robes trimmed in gold. Namkhai bowed to the floor in greeting and Alan followed suit.
"Ahh, you have finally come, Master Alan," Deeban said, "Welcome."
"I am your humble servant," Alan replied.
"The many lessons in training are written in a language you will not yet understand," Namkhai began, "I will be the translator for now. Please place the offering plate before you."
Alan moved the dish, centering it before him and Namkhai removed all but one orange from the plate. "Please cut the orange in half if you would, placing the knife so that you cut across the segments of the fruit."
Alan cut through the soft skin of the orange and the two halves sat rocking back and forth on the plate. He saw nothing unusual about them. Deeban asked a question in Tibetan, Namkhai translated the words to him.
"How many segments are in this fruit?" The question was asked.
Alan counted. "There are nine, sir," He replied. Deeban spoke again through Namkhai.
"Nine segments make up the whole orange. What if I told you that every orange you cut open will have the same number of segments inside. Please go ahead, choose another orange and test my statement."
"I don't need to, Master," Alan replied, "You have already told me what I will find and it would waste good fruit to cut them open."
Namkhai nodded and Alan knew he had passed some sort of test, the smile that came to Deeban's lips confirmed it. The old man picked up a piece of the fruit and sucked greedily of the juice inside. Namkhai placed the other oranges to one side.
"We have tested several persons in the past three years, you are the only one to give the expected answer," Namkhai said. "A student may doubt the wisdom of a teacher, but the word of a Master is beyond such questioning. If I had offered you the test it would have been wise to cut open all of them.
"The Master has six students at this time. You will become the seventh and the only American. Three are Tibetan, including myself, two are Japanese and one is French. Five are monks and now two are not. The Master will only accept nine students and then he will step down so one of us will take his place. I tell you all of this so you may know the order in which our path follows."
Deeban spoke again and Namkhai listened intently before turning back to Alan.
"The Master admonishes you to seek the Way to Enlightenment by following the Eightfold Path. There will be time for you to study the wisdom of the Buddha and he suggests you work diligently with your friend in seeking that knowledge. He is aware of your relationship with Master John. Having seen with his own eyes the love and commitment you both share he will not speak against it. It is a good thing that you have such strength to stand beside you, Master Alan. I am surprised, he does not usually comment on these things."
"I am grateful for his wisdom and acceptance," Alan said, "Without John I would have faltered and my commitment would be meaningless."
Deeban nodded and Namkhai said, "Then let us begin."
His expectations about learning to control the Inner Eye were certainly nothing like what actually happened. Alan was familiar with the concept of rituals but there were none, at least not something to be seen. Here it was all mental, just as it should be amongst men who seek power from another plane of reality.
They composed themselves and the two men began a strange chant, a totally unfamiliar mantra. The words were not Tibetan, or if they were it was some ancient tongue Alan had never heard. He picked out parts of the chant and began to join in where he could. Soon it began to make sense and he found himself repeating the whole thing. Everything seemed still except for the drone of the chant. Even the birds in their cages had become silent.
A sparkling glow of flowing light emerged in Alan's mind, seeming to glitter right behind his eyelids. He felt almost weightless and a bit nauseated so he opened his eyes for a second. They were still in the room but now all three were floating about twelve inches off the floor. It was an incredible feeling and Alan looked up to see Deeban staring at him, testing his reaction. The air around them shimmered with the sparkle, dazzling his sight and forcing him to close his eyes again. Then he felt another presence in his mind and knew the monks had joined with him.
The image of Deeban held a large book in his hands and they sat down in the emptiness of his mind to have a conversation.
"The wisdom of the Nine is thousands of years old," Namkhai said. "This book in the Master's hands contains the writings of how we use the Inner Eye for the benefit of mankind. You may only know that it is one book of many, for the Inner Eye is only one power of many given to the Nine."
Alan didn't know what to say or think about this statement, he wasn't in control here. The only thoughts that became apparent were the ones Deeban now directed towards him, it took a moment but he began to understand the words even though they were not in English.
"The Eye is the messenger of light and the enemy of darkness. Choose wisely the path you walk as the Eye seeks only truth. Keep silent about the lessons you learn with this power lest you find yourself consumed by the passions of ego and stumble on the Path. Learn to recognize the symbols of hatred that mark the enemy of light and avoid the darkness cast by their lies."
Alan found a series of symbols appearing before him, and each one seemed to emboss itself in his gray matter. The symbols were replaced by words and mantras, again in that strange foreign tongue but now it all made sense.
Thoughts and feelings came at him too. Washing across his mind either like flames so hot he could not focus on the heat for fear of being consumed or moments so cold he felt like he was sitting on Arctic tundra. Like a sponge his mind was soaking in all these things at an incredibly fast pace...but could he remember it all? Several times he saw the figure of Namkhai holding forth certain books of knowledge which the Master read aloud, it gave him comfort to know that Namkhai was there.
The voices and symbols finally coalesced into a pure vision. The image was of a vast plane upon which sat nine flowing balls of light. He knew these were the Nine Masters, present here to judge him. Their power made him shudder with anxiety, producing a ripple in the fabric of the plane.
The reaction was immediately halted as a ball of that strange light quickly approached and absorbed him into its core. Alan now knew it as the wisdom of his Master and with a shock he realized that Deeban was actually one of the Nine. From within this light Alan felt great strength and knowledge flowing into his mind, Deeban was teaching him the Path.
Somehow through the wall of brightness that surrounded them Alan began to realize that his mind was producing the force that kept them suspended these few inches off the cushions. Even as the cinema of words and feelings played on in his head, he had focused on the means of this suspension. He found that a mere wisp of thought could move them up and down, left or right. He had been entrusted with the power by these wise men and as he ended that thought they were dumped unceremoniously on their rear ends with a thump.
Deeban looked at Namkhai and they both broke up laughing until tears rolled down their cheeks. Alan had never seen monks express such hilarity before, he was shocked and then pleased to join the laughter.
"Oh, Master Alan," Namkhai said, trying to stifle his laugh, "You bring great joy to an old man and his nephew. You see, I did the same thing to us both when I was first initiated. Unfortunately, I dropped us twenty feet over the side wall to my uncle's house. Only his powers prevented us from great harm that day. I am grateful to see that the temptation to cease levitation was in us both."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that would happen," Alan said, he was totally embarrassed.
"Some lessons are learned by applying the power, or in this case withdrawing it. Each way can have consequences as we both already know," Namkhai said.
Deeban said something in Tibetan and this time both Alan and Namkhai smiled.
"Are you hungry, Master Alan?" The question was asked and Alan realized he now understood the Tibetan language.
"Uh, why yes, I am," Alan replied in the same language. He looked out the windows and saw the sun, but it was setting towards the horizon. Holy Cow, they'd been here all day.
"The supper bell will ring shortly," Namkhai said. "Say your farewells and I will see you at evening prayer. Just remember, a show of your new powers would be inappropriate so concentrate on not floating off the ground when you pray." He chuckled once again.
Alan prostrated himself, forehead on the floor in front of Deeban, the bow meant to convey his everlasting gratitude for the gift of wisdom. The old Master leaned forward and Alan felt a hand touch his shoulder and pull him up.
"You have learned well today," Deeban said. Alan felt the words go right into his mind, the monk's lips never moved.
"I have seen wonders," Alan replied, mind to mind. "I made the right choice in coming here. The Master has honored me."
"It is for us to know who I am," Deeban cautioned. "The power we hold is best kept out of the light whenever possible but never too far into the dark. We will speak again of these matters."
Alan rose and bowed, "My Master and my Teacher." He turned and descended the stairs into the hallway below. Behind him he heard the birds resume their chattering and the voices of the two monks talking affectionately as only close family would.
As he headed for the supper table Alan paused to watch the light fade out beyond the trees to the West. His hands grasped the wooden railing and felt its rough texture resonate under his fingers. His senses were heightened. His mind was receiving tactile signals better and stronger now.
A movement across the snow covered courtyard, a small bird seeking food and yet Alan could see every detail on its feathers as it darted by. This was amazing. His stomach growled as he caught the scent of curried rice coming from the kitchen, but then his nose had always been his strongest sense so he followed it to supper.
John looked relieved to see him and passed a plate heaping with goodies.
"Wow, you've been gone all day," He said.
"Really? It felt like only a few minutes actually," Alan replied, "I'll tell you what I can later, ok?"
"Yeah, sure," John said. Alan squeezed the hand placed on his thigh under the table and grinned like a fool with his mouth full of rice. He was overwhelmed by what had happened. But this was not the place to share those feelings. John caught the glance and seemed to understand.
Josh had given him a smile as Alan sat down at the table. The boy was beginning to enjoy his place in this monastery. Alan thought there must be something he could do for the boy, some gift that would bring him happiness and contentment in his newly chosen life.
In just a few short days they would be leaving this place. Although they would surely return here again it would never be quite the same. The river will continue to flow, Alan thought, yet we will not see each other in the same way ever again.
He could not be saddened at leaving behind new friends whose lives would be changed when next they met. Josh was probably going to make his commitment or take his vows, whatever Buddhists did, within the next three or four years. But if the Rinpoche was going to be in Washington then Josh would be there too, Alan was sure. There was so much more about the boy he wanted to know and he realized that his gift would not give him peace until those questions were resolved.
Alan sat in his usual place for the evening prayers, with Namkhai on his left and John on his right. Mindful of his teacher's warnings, Alan turned his mind to heavy thoughts, ones that would hold him firmly on the ground.
He wondered what his parents would say if they learned what had manifest itself in their only child. He had been a difficult adolescent and was sure they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. It occurred to him that these new powers of concentration would make schoolwork a breeze and he looked forward to testing the theory. The return to school was only six days away. It should have been a bummer, but now he couldn't wait.
John had been writing up an article for the school newspaper, a declaration of their peaceful intent to start the anti-war group. He knew the editor of the paper and she had promised to publish it, but only if Principal Rouse would allow it.
John had taken the lead in writing the manifesto for action but he hadn't shown it to anyone including Alan. Rouse would probably be a tough nut to crack. He was an establishment type. But Alan thought that maybe he would listen to reason now, especially when he was up against their new powers of persuasion.
Sharing today's experience with John would be tricky. He couldn't really describe everything that had happened. For his part, John was smart enough not to push, knowing Alan could deny him nothing if he did.
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." John had written the quote from Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream on the cover of Alan's English notebook. Now that his mind was expanded, love for John would certainly take on a whole new dimension.
"I just wish I could tell you more," He told John as they sat on the sleeping pallet later that evening. "So much happened today. Once I sort it out it will be easier to describe."
"Am I supposed to know these things?" John asked.
"Namkhai said I could tell you a lot. And to tell the truth, I was kind of hoping you might help me understand it all," Alan smiled.
What he managed to convey was a true sense of wonder at discovering the immense power the Inner Eye gave him. He couldn't reveal Deeban's identity so he told John a truth, Namkhai had produced a vision of learning today and his head was so filled with things it was still confused.
"Does this mean you were initiated into some kind of secret society?" John asked.
"I don't know really and I mean that. I saw images and symbols in my mind like nothing I've ever experienced. Namkhai and those like him have great powers. The Inner Eye is only a small part of the whole. I do know he is aware of the experience we had up on the mountain, it was a little embarrassing."
"I guess I understand, there have been times when the things I've read made no sense until I got more pieces of the puzzle," John said. "Don't worry about it, as you learn more it should start to have a clearer meaning."
"I do feel safer now," Alan said. "If I have any more of those traveling visions I'll be able to control myself better."
"Just don't forget how to do what we did up on the mountain," John laughed, "That was awesome."
"Oh, I'll never forget how to do that. Maybe there will be other things we can share too," Alan suggested.
"Oh, that one's enough for right now, please. I'm not sure how many of those I could handle either."
They bedded down for the night but Alan's brain was still turning over the lessons they had covered today, keeping him up until he heard John's soft snores. Alan snuggled in close and began to project a slight aura around them both as he drifted off to sleep.
He and John were lying on a beach in warm sand with miles of clear blue water stretching away to the horizon before them. They took a stroll along the waterline, holding hands and sharing the beauty under the warm rays of the sun. All thoughts of a cold monastery tucked away in the hills were banished from Alan's mind, life was sweet and John was the sweetest part of it.
They awoke to the bell and Alan snapped on the light. Two more days, he thought to himself.
"I had the most wonderful dream last night," John said. "We were lying on a magnificent beach, somewhere in the Caribbean I guess. Man, but it wasn't here, it was warm."
"Maybe we should take a trip down there," Alan suggested.
"Yeah. Wouldn't that be sweet?"
Alan pulled on jeans and two shirts, smiling the whole time. He hadn't entered John's mind since that would have been wrong. Instead he had just cast an aura around them both so that John was capable of receiving his thoughts. They were so in tune with one another John had jumped right into the dream. Oh, Alan thought, life is going to be so different from now on.
Alan spent their last two days in bliss, sitting on the plane of knowledge created by Master Deeban and Lama Namkhai. They assured him that his mind was capable of absorbing a great many lessons this way, he would understand as time progressed. To express his appreciation to them both, Alan begged permission to show them something and it was granted.
"I do not know if this is considered a frivolous use of the powers you have shown me, Master," Alan said to Deeban. "But I have always had the means to remember places I have seen and capture the beauty within my mind. These are sometimes the places I dream about and they have brought me great comfort when dark clouds surround my thoughts and I feel the pain of life."
The vision he created for them was of vast space, high in the Northern Rockies, the most awesome beauty in North America. He had compiled these images from a trip his family had taken when he was only ten years old, but the experience seemed fresh and new to the expanded powers of his mind.
Here in the total isolation of rock and snow, several magnificent eagles flew, their shrieks echoing off steep canyon walls. Mountain elk traversed narrow tracks, grazing on the sparse grass and stripping bark from the spindly trees growing at high altitudes.
The vision was so vast and detailed it almost seemed to stretch the limits of his small abilities but Alan persisted, focusing hard to make it seem so real around them. It was the closest he thought possible to bring his two teachers to the high mountains of their Tibetan homeland and he hoped it would please them.
They sat on the cliffs and watched the panorama of life unfolding around them. The Master and Namkhai sensed his purpose in bringing them here and he felt their gratitude wash over him. Alan began to chant the healing mantra to Rama. Bring your healing energy to earth, oh Rama; we need peace in the world. Their voices joined with his and they were lifted high above the mountaintops as the greatness of the planet spread out before their feet.
Surely the power of the Nine was so great that all things were possible, Alan thought, even the salvation of the world from the enemies of peace. Alan knew he would carry that moment with him forever.
Alan led John out to the barn that evening to find Josh. Although the boy was trying to avoid a farewell scene if at all possible, his sadness had grown these past few days. Those thoughts were projected to Alan loud and clear. Josh was afraid to be alone. He had come to believe that Alan was his spiritual brother.
"Josh," Alan called out as they entered the pens. He knew the boy would be here with his animals.
"I'm over here," A reply came from the distant corner. As expected he was feeding the baby goat.
Josh offered them a seat and a cup of the ever present tea. Although he smiled, Alan knew his mind was troubled.
"Don't be sad," Alan began, "We'll see each other quite soon, I assure you."
"You've both been so busy this past week, I thought you might leave without saying good-bye to me at all," Josh replied.
"Now how could I go without offering congratulations to my new best friend, huh?" Alan asked.
"My teacher, Lama Nagawan, says I may soon wear the orange robe," Josh said. "I guess that means I'm one step closer to joining the order here."
"I would love to see that," John said.
"Soon you'll be down in our neck of the woods," Alan said, "And I will introduce you to some of my friends. I know Louie would love to meet you."
"I'd like that, I don't have any friends left out there in the real world, except for you and John," Josh said.
"Have you thought any more about your brother?" Alan asked. "Do you think he'd like to know what happened to you?"
"I don't know if he even cares," Josh said, "But I wish I knew."
"Then let me help you find him," Alan said. "John and I really can, but only if you allow us."
"Oh, I don't know, he's probably moved away from the old house and... "
"No, I have a better way, you'll just have to trust me," Alan said.
"I do, you're my best friend," Josh replied.
"Can you do this?" John asked. Alan had said nothing to him about finding the brother. How would that be possible?
Alan moved closer and Josh removed the knit cap from his head, exposing his shaved skull, which was now covered with bare stubble.
"Take my hand," Alan said, "Relax and look me in the eye. Trust in me, Josh. I want you to remember your brother's face." John took the boy's other hand and the three of them formed a circle.
"What's your brother's name?" Alan asked.
"Paul... Paul McKearn," Josh said.
"Thank you," Alan said. "Now relax, keep your eyes on mine and give me an image of your brother as you remember him."
Alan's mind reached out, soothing and sympathetic. He caught the picture of a man forming in the boy's head, and a face appeared. It was easy to see that they were brothers. Their features matched and Alan was held by the beauty of the blue eyes they shared. And then simply because he wished it, he was behind those eyes, seeing what the brother beheld.
The transference was immediate, and much as he had with the dead soldier in Vietnam, Alan could see through those eyes. Only these were living eyes and the picture in his mind was clear. The scene was a city street covered with ice and snow. Alan saw the brother's eyes look up at the street signs, 85th Street on one, Fifth Avenue on the other. He was still in New York.
The view held his interest as the man walked up some steps to an apartment building. The Evans House, a brass plaque read to the side of the doorway. A hand reached out, inserted a key in the lock and pushed open the glass doors. The eyes beheld a brightly lit lobby with deep green carpet.
Alan was a little shocked as he saw the face appear in a mirror beside the door. The man was looking at himself. He straightened his tie and brushed the front of his uniform coat, Alan recognized the outfit. Josh's brother was the doorman at the Evans House. He shouldn't be hard to find.
This was all confirmed seconds later as the elevator doors opened and a well-dressed couple walked towards the lobby doors. The man opened the doors for them and hailed a taxi waiting beside the curb across the street. Alan saw tears forming in Josh's eyes. He too had seen the vision.
Josh was trembling, the emotion too great. Alan ended the vision and Josh collapsed forward in his arms, pushing them both to the floor as he sobbed. He leaned forward and kissed Josh on the top of his head. John's arms encircled them and Alan looked into the face of the one he loved.
"You are the most amazing... " John couldn't finish, his throat choked with emotion.
"You better get used to what we can do now," Alan said. They raised Josh up and sat him back on the hay bale.
"I... I saw Paul," Josh said, wiping away the tears. "He's older."
"And so are you, my friend. We will find your brother," Alan said.
"But how... ?"
"We'll go to the city and see him. Wouldn't you like him to know you're here? It might give him comfort to know you're alive and well, "Alan suggested.
"Oh, yes, please."
"Then I want you to write him a simple letter. Tell him you are doing well and where you are," Alan said. "I'll ask him to write you back. He needs to know that you aren't angry for the way he treated you. Brothers should learn to forgive."
"I was mad at him for a long time, but not now. He needs no forgiveness, I was a fool. There have been so many times when I just wished I could tell him how sorry I was," Josh said.
"Well now you'll get the chance," John said.
"How did you do that, I saw him... ?" Josh asked.
"I can't tell you how. I just asked you to trust me and you did."
"I love you," Josh said, and threw his arms around Alan's neck.
Alan returned the hug, looking over Josh's shoulder at John's smiling face.
What he didn't say was that in those few short seconds he had been inside the brother's mind Alan had felt a large emptiness in the man's heart. The eyes reflected in that mirror had said that and more. He was a man in pain, just like the boy hugging him now. They needed each other to be whole again.
Josh finally let Alan go only to hug John. "Thank you both, I will pray for your safe journey home."
"Thank you, Josh," John said to cover the awkwardness of the moment.
"We'll be leaving early tomorrow," Alan said, "I will need that letter from you after supper this evening. I'll write you when I get back and tell you all about the trip home. You're welcome to come and stay with us when you come to Maryland this spring."
"May the wisdom of the Buddha guide your steps," Josh said and the three of them bowed to each other.
Such a sweet boy, Alan thought as they slipped and slid down the path towards the monastery walls. He was so young in mind and heart and Alan felt sorry that the boy had lost so much of his childhood. The harsh reality was that Josh wasn't alone, there were entirely too many just like him out there.
Just before they came to the wall, John put a hand on Alan's shoulder. "I don't read minds but that boy back there really loves you," He said.
"I like being loved," Alan smiled. "He's a good man, John. Let's hope this place gives him all that he needs to live a good life."
"For years I've been wondering what I needed to live a good life and the Buddhist way seems to be the best I've found," John replied.
"Josh needs this place because they will not judge his past as harshly as he judges himself for the things he's done. I see nothing but confusion in his mind over so many things. He doubts his own sexuality because of the men that used him. He doubts his own sense of intelligence because of his addictions. He doubts almost everything around him." Alan smiled. "And life here is simple enough to give him time to heal, time to get his self esteem back. He needs a brother's encouragement and we're in a position to do something about that, so we do it."
"You love him too, don't you?" John said.
"Yes, I do but it's not like the love we share. I love Josh for what he can become, for the courage he has buried inside. My life has been simple compared to what he had to endure just to find his way into this place."
"Imagine the forces it took for the universe to bring the three of us together for this moment in time," John said. He stopped and smiled. "But you can now, Alan... can't you?"
"In truth I don't know what I am capable of doing but I want to find out. It's scary, John, I don't want to hurt anyone."
"I'm here to help in any way I can."
Alan threw his arms around John's neck and gave him a kiss. When their mouths parted their eyes met and Alan saw the joy only lovers can share. "I need you more than ever, John Bateman. Beyond these walls is a scary reality that I can't face alone."
"There should be no I in that statement. We can face anything you want and I will be there to love and guide you."
"And that is the scariest part," Alan said, "I've dragged you into this and I don't want you to get hurt by it."
"You forget that we are not alone, Alan. There is a whole community of wisdom behind us and you have Namkhai watching over you."
"I'm beginning to understand that he will be with me forever. He's like a guardian angel, just more powerful."
"He is foremost a teacher, your lama," John said.
"No, you've got it wrong, John. He is now my Master and my life is in his hands."
Supper that night gave John and Alan a chance to say good bye to all their new friends. Namkhai was due to drive them down to the main highway where they would catch the bus to New York City, but they would have to leave very early in the morning. Alan had already mentioned to John that they would need only a few hours in the city for the task with Josh's brother.
Namkhai approached their table during the meal and said that the Rinpoche would like to see them afterwards.
"Your presence here has made us all very happy," The sweet elderly man said. "The winter frost has been warmed by the addition of two such fine young men. It is hoped that your lives will be granted peace until we meet again in the spring."
The Rinpoche thanked them for joining his community these past two weeks. They had been most welcome guests. He gave them each a small wooden bowl as a token to remind them of the humility one needed in life to accomplish the Path. There was nothing they could give as a gift in return for the man's kindness, the monks held all property in common.
As they were leaving the dining room Alan turned back with a thought he wanted to share with the Rinpoche. His idea was that they should send a dozen crates of fresh fruit for the kitchen when they got back. The Rinpoche seemed pleased at this thoughtfulness. Alan was happy too since he knew the Drama Club was selling boxes of fruit to raise money for the spring musical and this would cover their quota.
John and Namkhai found themselves alone in the hallway leading to the temple.
"You have discovered the powers of his mind, I know," Namkhai said. "But I wonder if you are aware of the destructive force that such power can wield."
"Alan and I have agreed that we are in this together, Master. It is not easy for him, as I am sure you already know. I will help him to the best of my abilities."
"Do you believe your mind capable of such control?"
"No, only you have that power, I am sure," John replied. "But Alan is afraid of this power, as he should be. His mind is open to me and we are both fully aware that such strength may not be used lightly. You have been kind in accepting us as we are and so you must also realize that it is practical for us to try and control this together."
"Emotion is not always the best master," Namkhai said.
"And we are young and impetuous, is that what you mean? Don't tell me you have created this situation without a thought to controlling it?"
"And what makes you think that?" Namkhai said.
"You have an objective and Alan is a part of your plan. But I won't let him be used by anyone. And that includes his Master unless I understand that what you seek is part of the greater good."
Namkhai nodded. "It is good to be cautious and I would not have it any other way. Master Alan is not a pawn in some great scheme, but he is the wild card that must be kept close in the hand that controls the game."
"Then you leave that to me, Master. I will not allow him to run away with this power. To allow that would be to let him bring about the destruction of everything he has sought. His life has needed meaning and somehow you and I have come together to make that happen."
"I know you will try, you have the wisdom to understand our predicament. There has been so little time for him and yet he has drawn in such great amounts of knowledge, much of which he yet fails to understand."
John smiled. "I believe Alan and I will come to some understanding about these powers."
It was Namkhai's turn to smile. "This is true. I suppose we have put too much emphasis on what might happen. Each mind is different and unique. His powers may never be completely understood."
"Then I share your concern. What Alan and I have is something beyond your comprehension and always will be. His life gives mine meaning. That should be enough for you. Everything I do from now on is but a reflection of his existence."
Namkhai's smile faded and his body bent forward in a bow of deep conviction. "We are blessed that your union with this boy has given such strength to our cause. I will do my best to assure your future success, just as I have committed myself to Master Alan."
"If this is so, then which is the teacher and which is the student?" John asked.
"I cannot give you an answer for that which I do not know," Namkhai said. "Only the Wheel of Life will bring forth that answer."
It was at this point that Alan found them standing in the hall together outside of the temple.
"Have you two been having a good conversation?" He asked.
"We have just been sharing our common interests," Namkhai said and John nodded in agreement.
"Great. I was wondering if we might get the chance to say good-bye to Deeban, or do you think it's too late?"
"The old man rarely sleeps," Namkhai said.
Alan smiled and knew Namkhai was telling him to go up and see the Master. They climbed the stairs into the aviary where all was quiet. Sitting in the darkness of the room and gazing across the wall at the moonlit forest beyond, they found peace once again with their feathered friends.
The birds were all quiet now, only the occasional peep was heard as they shuffled around in their cages seeking the best perch for the night. Deeban must have heard them climb the stairs and came out from his room to greet them. He knew why they had come.
"Welcome, young masters," Deeban said. "Have you come to say good bye to all your feathered friends? They have just become settled for the night's rest but I think they are happy to see you."
"We came to see them and you, Lama Deeban," John said. "I will miss your kindness and instructive conversation when I am gone."
"You have been a most welcome diversion for an old man's mind, young sir," Deeban said. "I too will miss our talks, but surely you will come see us again?"
"Yes sir, we surely will."
Deeban sat with them a while and Alan opened his mind to the old man's thoughts. They communicated silently as John sought out his favorite birds.
"And I will miss you too, my young student," Master Deeban's thoughts said quietly in Alan's mind. "You have learned much in such a short time but there are miles to walk on this path before you may consider your task to be done. Choose wisely those who may understand your usefulness and keep the Eye hidden at all costs.
"I believe your young friend here now has some understanding about your abilities. Follow his counsel. Should it become necessary your powers will find either myself or Namkhai willing to assist you, but this you already know."
"I hope the Master will not fear that I shall use this training for wrongful purpose," Alan thought back. "I am grateful that your kindness allows me to serve you."
"A wise student should always know that he is but one step away from the Master, your faults will become mine should you fail. We have a great purpose to accomplish in just a short while, hey? Then you will surely know how the Inner Eye will guide you to achieve that goal."
Alan felt the Master's mind closing and bowed in reverence to his wishes, it was time to go. Deeban stood and shook hands with each of them. Alan felt like he should make some larger gesture of thanks but knew the old man would be embarrassed by the attention. Deeban avoided the awkwardness of the moment by turning away and returning to his sleeping quarters in the back room of the loft.
"What a wonderful man," John said with a sigh. "I will miss him."
"It seems he likes you a lot too," Alan said.
"You two were pretty quiet," John said.
"Yeah, we don't have that much to talk about I guess," Alan replied.
Sleep came easy that night as they shared a dream about being on a sailboat far out in the calm waters of a great ocean. The only sounds they could hear were the lapping of the waves against the hull and the cry of the occasional seabird wheeling around the tall masts. Alan didn't bother to remember the dream, he was sure John would tell him all about it in the morning.
A hand shook him gently and Alan knew it was Namkhai telling him it was time to awaken, time to leave this place and catch the bus back to the real world of parents and schoolbooks. Alan reached up and snapped on the light.
"We must leave within the hour," Namkhai said with a smile.
"I'm awake," Alan said, "Thanks for getting me up."
"I will make tea," Namkhai said, then he left and Alan bent to awaken John.
"John, wake up," Alan said.
John mumbled in his sleep by way of reply so Alan nibbled on his ear and kissed his neck.
"Oh, man... I'm awake," John groaned.
"Namkhai's been here already, it's time to get dressed."
The tea was hot and burned Alan's lips as he sucked on the rim of the cup. Namkhai looked bright and cheerful, how could anyone do that so early in the morning?
The cook had thoughtfully prepared sandwiches to eat as they waited for the bus and John shoved them in his pack as they loaded up the car. It would be a thirty mile trip down frozen highways to the bus station.
The road was grim as the old car chugged along towards the main gate onto the property. They had not come this way since the hike up to the monastery twelve days ago, the snow was deeper now. Namkhai stopped behind the gates and John got out to open them.
But before driving through they had to make an offering to the deity in the roadside altar. The three of them stood in the snow and lit a stick of incense, clapping their hands and bowing to the statue, praying for a safe journey into the world.
The ride down was pretty cool. Namkhai switched on the radio after they hit the paved road and caught an early morning rock station in Albany. They were playing a new album by Simon and Garfunkel. As Alan listened to the words through the constant background static, he thought these guys really understand about all the pain and suffering in the world.
They talked about how this music was carrying the message of a generation. Alan was surprised to learn that Namkhai even knew about Bob Dylan. But then this monk had been nothing but surprises since the day they met.
The dark road was icy and dangerous but Namkhai navigated the old machine with skill, maybe this was another accomplishment the Inner Eye lent him. Alan's auto insurance company would be glad to know about that.
It took all of two hours to travel the thirty miles down the winding road at less than twenty miles per hour. By six o'clock Namkhai had them both safely delivered to the bus shelter beside the highway with only a short while to wait.
John thanked him profusely for all the trouble driving down here and for his kindness during their visit. He got out and took a seat in the shelter, understanding that Alan would need some time alone with his teacher to say good bye.
"Farewell, my young student," Namkhai said.
"I really hate to leave you, Master," Alan said.
"There is much time ahead for us to speak of the life we shall both lead in the future," He said. "Be patient with others who do not have your strengths and use your gifts wisely. My time with you has been well spent, you have accomplished much."
"Thank you," Alan said. "I look forward to seeing you in Washington. There is so much we need to do."
"You know enough now to begin to use the powers you have for good. Just remember that I will never be far away if you need me. Go now, and be at peace in your life."
"My life is but a shadow to the Master's wishes," Alan said. "I will keep my eyes open and guard my thoughts. May peace follow your days as well, my teacher."
Alan glanced at Namkhai's face and had to get out quickly before he recognized the tears in both their eyes. It would be unseemly to notice this moment of affectionate parting. Namkhai drove slowly away, the only way his car ever moved, and Alan watched until the lights faded away down the road.
"We have sandwiches?" John said.
"Yes," Alan sniffled, "Yes, we do."
John handed him the bag and put his arm around Alan's shoulder. They kissed each other after realizing they could do that now. But this was the other world, the real one, so they both looked around.
"I love you, Alan," John said in a serious tone.
"You have no idea how good that sounds," Alan replied. "But if you're not careful when we get home I'll show you what that means to me," He smiled devilishly.
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