Knots, Book 2
by Elias Scott
When my mom called, my heart stopped, then jumped, then skipped a couple beats. I looked over at Matt dressing with the varsity. He was talking to Kealan Williams.
Thomas tapped me on the shoulder. "What's up?"
"My mom wants to see Matt and me after practice."
"Do you want me to come?"
I shook my head. "I don't think so. What could you do?"
"I just want to help."
"Thanks, but I don't think it'll do any good."
Randy patted me on the back, then slid on his pants. "I don't know what the fuck you're all worried about. We're gay. So what?"
Thomas pushed him. "Shut your friggin mouth. Someone's going to hear you."
Randy shrugged. "Who cares, they know we've fucked around. You guys worry too much."
Randy's attitude pissed me off. "Okay. Okay. Knock it off. Maybe you don't give a shit, but we do. Anyway, I'd better head over and tell Matt."
Matt was smiling as Kealan headed to his locker. He had a determined look on his face that said, "I'm going to beat out that ass, Frank Kutcher." That was until I walked toward him. The smile left and his air of confidence dwindled when he saw the look on my face.
"I got some bad news. My mom wants to see both of us after practice."
He looked down at the floor. "Shit. I was afraid this was going to happen."
I put my hand on his shoulder. "Don't panic. It might be nothing."
"Nice try, Andy. They know. Your father was home all day. Who knows what he found. Do you think they called my parents?"
We were both silent as he waited for my answer.
"She just said she wanted to see both of us after practice. That's all I know."
Coach Mills walked through the locker room. "Matt, quit standing around. Get dressed. Andy, go back where you belong."
Matt gave a respectful, "Yes coach," that sounded like he was getting ready to cry. "I just need to talk to Andy for a few more seconds."
"Well, hurry it up."
Coach Mills walked off.
Matt put his shoulder pads over his head. "I'm going to be thinking about this all during practice. My parents are going to find out we've been fooling around."
I tried to look calm. "Relax, we don't know what's up. Don't let this stuff keep you from kicking Kutcher's ass."
He snapped back. "Shit, Andy. Your parents already know you're gay. My parents still think I'm their sweet innocent Matt." He lowered his voice. "They'll know we've been fucking. Can you imagine the image they'll have in their mind? Maybe I should go home sick."
"No, go to practice. It will keep it off your mind."
He shook his head. "I doubt it, but it has to be better than sitting around worrying."
I headed to my locker and then turned back. "Meet me at my locker after you're showered and dressed."
I visualized my whole life falling apart when Andy told me his mom wanted to see us after practice. That was all I could think about for two hours.
"Spence," Coach Mills yelled over and over. "Get your mind on what we're doing. What's the matter with you? This isn't like you."
Kutcher said, "He has some guy on his mind."
I ran at Kutcher and knocked him to the ground. "Shut your fucking mouth, asshole."
He looked up at me. "I must have hit a sore spot."
I bit my lip. "You don't know what you're talking about so shut your ass up."
Coach Mills finally said, "Knock it off. We're a team. What Matt does in his spare time is up to him."
My eyes lit up. "Fuck it," I said as I started off the field.
"Get your ass back here Spence," Coach Mills yelled.
I kept walking.
"You heard me. Get back here."
Kutcher got up off the ground. "Can't take it, huh? I knew there was no way you'd ever beat me out."
Some people are really dumb shits. I was heading somewhere and didn't know where, but that remark turned me around. "We'll see Frank. And you're right. I was thinking about some guy. It was you. I was thinking about how I was going to kick your ass and get your job."
"I thought you liked my ass," he replied.
Coach Mills remained silent.
"Well, let's get to it. I'd like to knock your ass right off your shoulders."
He waved me off. "You don't scare me. Give it your best shot."
This was just what I needed to get me focused. I spent the rest of practice doing my damdest to look good and make Kutcher look bad. The thought about meeting with Andy's parents kept popping into my head, but I was so pissed at Kutcher, I almost forgot. Maybe anger and sexual passion have something in common. They make you forget.
I didn't bother to shower after practice because I wanted to get to Andy's as soon as we could to get whatever was going to happen over with. But of course, he was in the shower horsing around like he had nothing to worry about. And I guess he didn't. All he had to say, was "I told you I was gay and we were having sex. That's what gay guys do."
And me. I lied to Mrs. Gibson. I hadn't told my parents. Gina didn't know. No one knew except our foursome. I figured it would be all over school the next day. Or, if nothing else, I'd have to tell Gina. It would change everything between us. Like I said, I wasn't sure which way I swung. I loved gay sex, but I'd never had any other kind, so what did I know. All I knew then was my cock got hard and I didn't think I cared who sucked it or where I put it as long as it got me off. I love sucking cock, and I wasn't sure about licking a girl's vagina, but I was willing to give anything a try once. I'm not sure I used to think that way until Andy and I had started having sex. I'd changed, and to tell you the truth, I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. That's life I guess. We're stuck with the decisions we make no matter what.
I walked over to the shower. "Andy, quit farting around. Let's go."
Maybe he just looked like he didn't care and was trying to put off the inevitable. I'd have liked to have put it off forever, but preferred finding out right away.
Mr. and Mrs. Gibson and my parents were sitting at the dining room table when we walked in. I wanted to turn around and walk out. My dad pointed at the two empty chairs. "Sit."
We sat like we were defendants in court. Mr. Gibson coughed and blew his nose. He reached down, grabbed the sheets, and held them up. "I found these in your closet. You want to explain why they smell like sperm?"
We were silent. There wasn't any way I was going to open my mouth because I knew Andy would talk as long as I kept my mouth shut. "We jerked off together. That's all. Guys do it all the time."
I wanted to smile, but kept a straight face. My dad looked at me. "Is that true, Matt?"
I nodded my head.
"Andy's mom told us you said nothing was going on and that you guys just played basketball, video games, and watched TV. You lied. Andy's dad found a condom on the floor of their bedroom. Since when do you need condoms to masturbate together?"
This was so embarrassing having my parents talking about us masturbating. But I guess it was better than them talking about us sucking each other off and fucking.
Andy started to answer, but my dad waved him off. "I want to hear it from Matt."
"Uh. Uh. I don't know why the condom was there."
My mom stepped in. "We've never known you to lie to us Matt. I hope you're telling us the truth."
My heart sunk. "I am."
She stared me down. "So nothing else went on here? You just masturbated together? And trust me, I'm not saying I approve. We just want the truth."
I looked down at my fingers which were balled together in a tight knot. Yeah, one of those knots. "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but that's all we did." I figured it was a lot better to leave them with an image of us masturbating than an image of us with our dicks in each other's mouths and asses. It would have been even better if we didn't have to admit to anything.
Andy jumped in. "You know Matt wouldn't lie. Really, that's all we did."
Andy's dad turned to him. "So why was the condom in our room?"
He smiled. "Oh, that's easy. I like to put them on when I masturbate in the shower. I usually take a couple with me. I must have dropped one."
Andy's dad blew his nose again. "Why was the condom so close to our bed?"
"I think I stopped to turn your night table on."
"No, I know."
His dad continued. "There were four of you. Your bed isn't big enough Did you cover our bed with the sheets and have sex on our bed. Is that why the condom was on the floor?"
It seemed like the noose was getting tighter.
"Yeah, but we just masturbated."
His mom frowned. "You did this on our bed?"
Andy didn't miss a beat. "Mom, there were four of us. We needed the room."
"And the condom just happened to be on the floor next to Gibson's bed?" my dad asked.
"Just coincidence," Andy said with a shrug.
I thought they were going to continue with the third degree, but in the end, I think they preferred the story we told them over all the other possible activities that might have taken place on Mr. and Mrs. Gibson's bed.
"We're going to take your word for it," my dad said. "But, Matt, you lied to Mrs. Gibson when you told her nothing was going on. Like your mom said, 'we've never known you to lie,' and I have to tell you, we're disappointed. We know you've both been through a lot. We're trying to be understanding, but it's been hard. Your mother and I have talked it over with the Gibsons, and we decided that we don't want you hanging around with Thomas and Randy unless there are adults present. Do you understand?"
I wanted to argue with them, but decided to keep my mouth shut. But of course, Andy couldn't. He was like having your own lawyer.
"That's not fair."
"You know something," my dad said. "Life isn't fair. Get used to it."
"It's okay for Matt and me to be together when you guys aren't around isn't it?"
My dad handed out our sentence. "No. You can go to the show, play basketball, or whatever, but we don't want you alone in the house for the time being. It's your punishment for not telling the truth. And when we are home, we want your bedroom doors open. We hope you boys are telling the truth. We don't approve of any group sex or for that matter, any sex at your age. If you want to masturbate, do it on your own." He let out a small smile. I guess he knew a little about masturbation himself. "Do you understand?"
Andy started with a "But…"
"We don't want to hear it."
"Can't we appeal?" Andy asked.
"No," all the parents said in unison.
I finally got enough courage to speak. "How long do we have to stick to these rules?"
My dad stood and the other parents followed. "Your sentence is indeterminate. It's going to be at least for a month. We'll talk again then."
My parents headed toward the door and I followed.
Andy rushed after us. "Can't Matt stay for a few minutes. We need to talk?"
My dad gave an emphatic, "No!"
I hated to think what it was going to be like when we got home.
I managed to pull our asses out of the fire. Matt wasn't much help. But then, he's not used to lying.
My biggest concern was where we were going to fuck. I figured we'd just have to use our imagination. I wasn't sure I could handle such a long dry spell. Our parents didn't even give us a chance to talk and strategize about where we'd fuck. Of course, while Matt loved our sex, he didn't seem to need it as much as me. Or at least it seemed that way.
I was getting ready to call Matt when my dad came into my room. He had a serious look on his face. "Who are you calling?"
He stuck out his hand. "Give me the phone."
"You're not taking my phone!"
"Afraid I am. You'll have to use the phone in the kitchen for the next month. So give it to me."
I stepped back. "I'm not giving it to you. What if there's an emergency?"
"Use the phone at school."
"Why are you and Mom being so strict? You're not usually like this."
He looked down at the floor and then up into my eyes. "We think we haven't been paying enough attention to you. We kind of let you do what you wanted, and we feel responsible that you were hurt."
"It wasn't your fault. It was mine. I was stupid for thinking Dillon loved me."
He walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. "Sit. Let's talk."
I could never remember a time when my dad sat down to have a serious talk with me. And now he decides to do it. "Dad, it's too late. We should have talked a long time ago."
He started to get up to leave. Inside, I hoped he'd stay.
"So are you going to leave or not?" I snapped.
He stood then sat back down. "I'm not. Now sit like I asked you."
I put my phone in my pocket. "You didn't ask. You told me."
His voice softened. "Would you please sit down so we can talk?"
It was strange because he seemed as empty as I felt so many times when I yearned to have my ass filled with someone's cock or be held and kissed as we fucked. He looked like he needed to be loved as much as I needed to be loved. I sat down at my desk.
He was silent for a few seconds. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"We've let you down. We shouldn't have let you spend so much time with Dillon. We never gave you a curfew and we were too busy trying to satisfy our own needs. We neglected you, and while you probably thought all that freedom was great, I think it probably made you feel like we didn't love you."
I shrugged. "I always knew you loved me."
"Tell me how you know."
That surprised me. "I just know."
He got up and started pacing. "I want to know how you know."
My mind was empty. I didn't have an answer. I thought they loved me, but I couldn't tell you why or what they'd done to make me feel loved. They'd never abused me or yelled at me. But now he wanted my phone. What kind of love was that?
"You sure as hell aren't showing your love by taking my phone."
"How do you want us to show we love you?"
He was frustrating me. "I'm only fifteen, How should I know?"
Dad walked up to me. "Stand up so I can give you a hug."
He'd never hugged me once in fifteen years. I didn't move.
He smiled. "Come on. Get up. If you don't need a hug, I do."
How could I turn him down? I stood, and as I did, I thought of all the sex I'd had and all the hugging and kissing and fucking I'd done with others and here I was about to have my first hug with my dad. He put his arms around me and squeezed me to him. Tears welled in my eyes as I suddenly squeezed back. I could feel him shaking as he began to cry. It felt so good. The emptiness I felt, vanished for those few seconds.
He let go, stood back, and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Look at us. Crying like a couple babies."
I wiped my cheeks and nodded with a smile.
He pulled me into him again. "I should have given you at least one hug every day of your life. I'm sorry. Then you could have said, I know you love me because you hug me every day."
My father was suddenly like a stranger. Then he asked again, "How do you know we love you?"
"I just do."
Then he surprised me. "I think it's time you give me your phone."
"What's that got to do with love? If you loved me, you wouldn't take it."
"It's because we love you that we're taking it. There shouldn't be anything you and Matt or your friends have to talk about that we shouldn't know about. And it's only for a month. You might find out it's not that bad."
"I'm not giving you my phone."
"Then you won't be playing football."
"You can't do that?"
"If you want to find out, then keep it."
He pissed me off. "So you come in here to talk, say you're sorry, give me a hug, and then take my phone. I always knew you didn't love me." My words surprised me. Maybe that's what I really felt and maybe that's why I felt so empty inside.
My dad rubbed his chin. "So what'll it be?"
I put my hand in my pocket and rolled my fingers around my phone as my father waited.
"Well?" he said.
My hand pulled the phone out. "I don't know why you think this'll make me feel you love me."
"Well, Andrew, sometimes love comes in unfamiliar packages."
"How come you think you've become so wise all of a sudden?"
"Matt's dad. He made me see where I've failed."
"Why do you find that so funny?" he asked.
What made him think they were such great parents? After all, they didn't know Matt and I were fucking all the time. But then, Matt didn't have a computer in his room or a cell phone. His parents gave him a curfew and I knew, from being at his house, that they loved him. And of course Matt gave himself to me because he loved me.
I stopped laughing. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed." I handed him my phone.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. -- Mother Teresa
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. -- James A. Baldwin
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