Transgender Jews

Making your community more welcoming

General

When interacting with transgender people in any setting, the most important thing to remember is to respect each person and their identity and experience. The important thing is how they feel inside, not how they look outside - just as we all hope that people will treat us according to who we are and not how we appear.

Asking questions

Transgender people understand that gender can be complicated and confusing, and that most people do not know very much about these issues. The important thing is that people are respectful, and it is generally appreciated when people want to learn. There are ways to ask questions that are respectful and other ways that are not.

The first and most important question to ask about someone else's gender is: "Do I really need to know?" There are many situations in which it is really not important what a person's gender status or situation is. For example, if someone walks into Shabbat services, and their gender is unclear, there is almost certainly no reason to ask or comment in any way. The person is there to pray and to be amongst community. They can be welcomed without knowing what their gender identity is.

There may be times at which you decide that you do need to know or understand something about someone else's gender. Most people are welcoming of respectful and appropriate questions. This is often better than making assumptions that may not be true. If the person doesn't want to answer, then they will choose not to.

What is a respectful question?

The most important guideline is a version of Hillel's rule: If you would not wish to be asked a given question, it is probably not respectful to ask it of someone else.

Instead of asking "What are you?" or "Are you a man or a woman?", try:

"What is the respectful pronoun to use for you?"

or

"I'm interested in hearing about your gender identity if you are comfortable telling me"

or

"Is there anything I/we/the community can do to make this a more comfortable place?"

Don't ask about anyone's genitals, medical procedures, or medical history. If they want to share that information, they will. If you are concerned about a congregant's health, it is fine to ask 'how is your health?', as you would for any other community member.

Don't unnecessarily refer to a person's previous gender status.

If this information is not known publicly, revealing it could put the person at risk of harm. Regardless of how open a person is about being transgender, referring to their previous status usually makes that person uncomfortable. This can be analogized to the situation of a person who has converted to Judaism. They may choose to refer to their previous religion or identity, but others do not bring it up.

Don't insist that someone must be either a man or a woman.

Some people identify themselves as neither gender, or as both genders, or as a third gender. This may seem confusing, but this is a legitimate choice. Some people are in a process of discovering their identity or deciding how they wish to live. People may be in various stages of a gender transition. If you need clarification on which pronoun to use, ask.

Avoid saying things like: "But you look like a woman!" or 'But I've always known you as a man' or 'But you made such a good/attractive woman.' Comments like these make people feel bad.

Do respect a person's choice of name/gender/pronoun

If a person expresses that they prefer a certain name or pronoun, take care to use only the name/gender/pronoun that they prefer, and strongly encourage others in the community to do the same. This can take time to get used to, and most people do make mistakes - don't worry. The person is almost certainly used to mistakes. The important thing is that he or she knows that you respect their preference and are trying.

Don't be afraid to say 'I don't understand, but I want to be there for you.'

Do seek out information on your own. Transgender community members will be very appreciative of your efforts to learn about the experience of transgender people.

In the synagogue/school/community center

Language

Language is very important. People pick up on small cues that make them feel more welcome or less welcome in the community.

On flyers, in newsletters, event announcements, etc.: Instead of writing 'men and women welcome' or 'for both men and women', try 'all genders welcome' or 'for all genders.'

In articles, drashot, essays etc: rather than 'both genders' or 'men and women,' refer to 'all genders' or 'people of any gender.'

These changes may seem small, but they are among the most important ways to indicate that you are making an effort to be open and welcoming, It often makes the difference in whether a transgender person will reach out and approach you or not.

Facilities

If possible, it is important to have a non-gender-specific restroom. Usually these are single-person restrooms - if your facility has a single-person restroom, consider whether it must be gender-specific or whether it can be made available to everyone. Again, this may seem like a minor matter. But for many people who have a non-traditional gender appearance, using public restrooms is a particularly frightening experience. They are often much more inclined to go to places that have a non-gender-specific facility,

Life-cycles

Mikveh: allow a person to choose the witness(es) with whom they are comfortable Name changes: transgender Jews often want to change their Hebrew name

© Reuben Zeilman, 2004.